Infidelity/weight loss/self-love help

RaJulieMa · February 2023

I'm really struggling right now. My husband told me 5 months ago that he noticed I was starting to have mobility issues and that he didn't want to be with someone who was so overweight. There were other criticisms too, but the shame I felt in regards to my weight prompted a weight loss spree. I've been doing well, I'm down 60 pounds since then, but he has also since revealed that he's fallen in love with my (now former) best friend. She's very thin, a runner, and I feel so betrayed and down on myself.

Even if I lose all the weight, my body will still show scars of what I've put it through. Already I can see the weird puckered skin of my lower abdomen from 2 pregnancies while obese. I'm on a razor's edge with my husband. He has not been able to reassure me that he's fully blocking his emotional affair partner/ex-friend and 100% committing to working through things with me, and until he does so I'm going to focus on myself and my kids. I got a therapist a few months ago and she's been fantastic with helping me develop strength and boundaries in regards to my husband (ex?)-so I don't feel that I need relationship advice. If he can't wake up and commit to me then we're done.

But, how do I love this body? I don't feel like I look any different, even after losing over 20% of my body weight. I feel a floppiness in some areas that were previously firm. Am I going to come out of this weight loss looking worse than when I was at my heaviest? How do I broach this topic with my therapist? How do you all find love for yourselves?

kchapmanma · February 2023

I'm very sorry about your struggles with your husband. For me, I learned to love my body by changing my perspective. Growing up, I learned that being overweight was a problem because of how I looked - from comments like "you'd be so pretty if you just lost weight", etc. That led to all the normal self-esteem issues, until one day when I just got sick of feeling judged all of the time. My attitude shifted towards "to hell with anyone who judges me by such a superficial thing", and I started thinking about being lovable because of who I am as a person, and not what I look like.

You might think that would mean I was happy and content to be overweight then - but I wasn't. What it did was let me focus on my weight being an issue because of my health and my own mobility issues. I started looking at food as being a fuel, and got serious about having a more healthy diet. That led to me losing some weight without really trying, which then led to me feeling better physically - so I then got serious about trying to lose weight. In the last couple of years, I've lost around 110 lbs, and am still working on losing a few more. I'm 5'9, and 185 lbs right now, in case that helps.

So I am smaller now, but I do have loose skin. Arguably, I might actually look "better" naked if I was a bit fatter and had less wrinkles - but I don't really worry about that. I physically feel so much better now, and am able to do more things - so that is what I focus on and what makes me feel good. This isn't to say that I don't care about what I look like, though, either. I wear make up and enjoy pampering myself. I do like wearing smaller sized clothes (mainly because there are so many more clothing options in smaller sizes).

Anyway, I hope this helps. My advice is basically to try and pivot how you think about things - and make whatever changes you want to make for *you*, and not anyone else. Like your body showing those scars you mentioned? I would't think of those as something to be ashamed of - but rather proud of! They're proof of what you've managed to do and what you've overcome! For instance, losing 60 lbs is a serious accomplishment - and that puckered skin is proof that you did it!!

AnnPT77 · March 2023

On the floppiness thing, specifically: Some of us - I'm one - find that we look worse part way through weight loss than we will at goal weight, and then a little worse at goal weight than we will after a few months in maintenance. In fact, my loose skin kept shrinking well into year 2 of maintenance, and IMO the total improvement was pretty significant IMO.

During loss, fat can deplete from anywhere in our fat mass. It doesn't start from the outside-most layer then melt neatly inward. The implication is that areas of fat can get droopy, squishy or floppy at first. It's like when you let water out of a water balloon: If it starts out full and firm, it gets floppier as there's less water. Only when the water is pretty much all gone can the balloon-skin shrink back to pre-water-filled size.

Skin is similar: When the fat is partly depleted (squishy), the weight of it still conspires with gravity to keep skin stretched out. After the fat depletes more, down to just loose skin (which is thin wrinkles), then it can really start shrinking. That will happen at different rates on different parts of the body. After it starts, it takes a while to achieve its final shrinkage (because it's not as elastic as that balloon - skin sort of needs to remodel itself).

This is maybe not what you want to hear, but it's what I believe. (That's after losing from just over the line into class 1 obese, down to a healthy weight, at age 59-60, after around 30 previous years of overweight/obesity. Now age 67, still at a healthy weight since that big loss, I don't think I look dramatically different from women my age of who've always been slim. There are some areas where there are hints, but most people wouldn't notice . . . especially when I'm fully dressed.)

Different people will have different results, but I think if you look at before/after photos in the "Success Stories" part of the Community here, you'll be surprised at how good very many people look after substantial weight loss.

Until you get to goal weight and hang out there for a while, try not to let this get you down. High, high odds that it will improve significantly sometime between now and then. Truthfully, it could even get a little worse at first as loss proceeds, . . . but almost certainly will get better in the long run. I know that patience is hard, but that's what's required.

What can you do to minimize loose skin in the long run? Here's what I think: Genetics do matter, and likely age does, too. That's the hand we're dealt, and it's unpredictable and pretty much unchangeable.

Beyond that, skin is an organ. The things that keep other organs healthy will also tend to keep skin healthy, which means elastic and more willing to adjust. These include:

* avoiding fast loss (because it's a physical stress to lose fast),
* getting good well-rounded nutrition (macros and micros, especially but not exclusively protein),
* getting regular exercise (both cardiovascular and strength),
* managing all-source life stress (I know this is extra-challenging in your circumstances!),
* hydrating adequately (not crazy much, but enough),
* avoiding smoking and excessive alcohol,
* specific to skin, also avoiding tanning.

People will recommend things like collagen supplements, creams, dry-brushing, etc., but personally I'm inclined to thing those are mainly ways to pass the time while skin does pretty much what it was going to do anyway. Help a little? Maybe. Big help? I doubt it. But it can feel good to feel like we're doing *something*, and those aren't dangerous. So as long as you don't break the bank buying products, there's not much risk in trying them alongside the bullet list stuff above.

Just my opinions throughout, though . . . probably worth every penny you're paying for them.

Personally, I love my body - did when I was obese, actually - because . . . well, how would I have a good life without it? It does the best it can with the inputs (food, exercise, rest, etc.) that I give it. It can move in wonderful ways, bring me all of life's experiences. Yours even created whole new humans - that's amazing! Self-caring can be a positive cycle: Investing in self care helps me feel better, look better, be healthier . . . which creates a sense of self-empowerment and reward that makes me want to do even more and better. Where to get on that on-ramp will vary for each person, but I encourage you to find your personal route. It's worth it: Hopefully your therapist can help.

Best wishes for wonderful progress on your route to self-acceptance, self-appreciation, improved health and happiness!

Hiawassee88 · March 2023

There's no need to drop it like it's hot, for yourself or anyone else. Stop pushing yourself so hard. To hell with the shame, guilt, and everything else that's taken a big hit on your life. Gain some detachment. Stand back and see yourself as someone to be loved, and not a victim.

No one has to live in our body. No one gets that right. As bad as this is, forgiveness belongs to those who know how to love in the first place. That would be you. Pain is the precursor to change. Use this pain to make lasting changes, but don't push yourself to the brink. You'll only be digging yourself into a bigger hole. The system works.

Use MFP to track your data points. Ask questions and stay involved. Connected. You've got a plan for your emotional recovery. Connection is everything. You've got a hole inside, but new fitness friends can help you fill it.

MaggieGirl135 · March 2023

To address your question of how do I broach this topic with my therapist…

First of all, I think it’s very positive that you realize that this is probably a topic that would warrant processing in a session as well as to learn coping skills to manage your thoughts regarding this.

And how to approach it with your therapist is just being honest and say hey, I’m very uncomfortable talking about this, but I think that this is something that should be talked about and go from there. You may be surprised by how broaching this topic is easier than you thought, once you start. Hugs

Lietchi · March 2023

You will look better when dressed. You will feel better.

I have no idea what you'll look like, I had no idea what I would look like. I worried about loose skin when I started weight loss, so I lost weight slowly. 75lbs down and at a normal BMI, and yes, undressed there are saggy bits and, trust me, never look at your abdomen while doing planks if you have loose skin unless you're ready for that image etched into your memory 😆
The fact that I can joke about it, is because nothing trumps how great I feel after having lost weight. Sure, I would make the saggy stretch marks go away if I could. But NOT if it meant being obese again. And I feel awesome dressed.
How many people see you naked anyway? They will be medical professionals (they don't give a damn) or people you're intimate with (they should love you as you are, or they can take a hike?)

avatiach · March 2023

At my son’s college graduation one of the presenters said something I really liked and I wrote it down:
« Stay strong
Stay open to the world
You are not alone. »

I think the advice about how to talk to your therapist (above) is really good and I would say—stay open to the world—to all you are learning through this journey.

Stay strong—you ARE strong—gove Yourself credit.

You are not alone—there is a community here, and you probably have one in real life, too.

Much luck!

Infidelity/weight loss/self-love help

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