Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, and more fun stuff
Xiao_Ya_
Posts: 495 Member
I know there are no magic bullets; I'm just wondering if anyone has some similar experiences or advice about surviving after a psychiatric emergency, hospitalization, and the aftermath.
I just got out of the psych ward after letting things build up for years, and though the hospitalization was good for acute stabilization, I'm so lost and confused. I've had depression and anxiety since I was 12 and much more recently received the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I've also been told I have OCD traits though not the full disorder and I'd dispute the eating disorder diagnosis despite what the clinicians think. However, everything just feels like it's coming together to absolutely crush me.
I ran away from help for years after a bad experience at 12 and more or less went from no treatment to psych ward in the span of one day. I tried therapy for a couple months before I completely went off the deep end. I was recommended DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) but no DBT informed clinicians were available and I had to go with whoever was available. With different therapists, I felt criticized, abandoned, and mocked and I gave up as my symptoms just kept getting worse the more I engaged in therapy.
I feel awful for burdening other people, so I've always tried my best to mask for years and pretend everything was great and tried to be what people want and expect me to be. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was under involuntary hold and lost my rights to choose what to do and had some terrifying ambulance and ER experiences then. At the ward, I was prescribed Lexapro and I have no history of psychiatric medications before this. I'm a neuroscience major and I know about the 2 weeks of antidepressants being worse before they get better in younger people, but I'm feeling absolutely awful and no amount of knowing it would happen makes it feel better. It was my birthday yesterday, and a loved one tried to make it special, but all I could think about was how much of a burden I was being and how hopeless I felt. I knew they wanted to see me happy, but I couldn't muster a drop of joy, energy, or life.
I really don't know if I can take much more of this. And I'm so sorry for putting this out on the internet; I just really don't have a real life social support system. I got told intensive outpatient therapy would exacerbate my BPD symptoms, DBT waiting lists are a year long, individual therapy is almost impossible to access, and I'm stuck with antidepressants that are making me feel terrible. Basically no help for a year or so. I don't see any good way to escape this hell.
I just got out of the psych ward after letting things build up for years, and though the hospitalization was good for acute stabilization, I'm so lost and confused. I've had depression and anxiety since I was 12 and much more recently received the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I've also been told I have OCD traits though not the full disorder and I'd dispute the eating disorder diagnosis despite what the clinicians think. However, everything just feels like it's coming together to absolutely crush me.
I ran away from help for years after a bad experience at 12 and more or less went from no treatment to psych ward in the span of one day. I tried therapy for a couple months before I completely went off the deep end. I was recommended DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) but no DBT informed clinicians were available and I had to go with whoever was available. With different therapists, I felt criticized, abandoned, and mocked and I gave up as my symptoms just kept getting worse the more I engaged in therapy.
I feel awful for burdening other people, so I've always tried my best to mask for years and pretend everything was great and tried to be what people want and expect me to be. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was under involuntary hold and lost my rights to choose what to do and had some terrifying ambulance and ER experiences then. At the ward, I was prescribed Lexapro and I have no history of psychiatric medications before this. I'm a neuroscience major and I know about the 2 weeks of antidepressants being worse before they get better in younger people, but I'm feeling absolutely awful and no amount of knowing it would happen makes it feel better. It was my birthday yesterday, and a loved one tried to make it special, but all I could think about was how much of a burden I was being and how hopeless I felt. I knew they wanted to see me happy, but I couldn't muster a drop of joy, energy, or life.
I really don't know if I can take much more of this. And I'm so sorry for putting this out on the internet; I just really don't have a real life social support system. I got told intensive outpatient therapy would exacerbate my BPD symptoms, DBT waiting lists are a year long, individual therapy is almost impossible to access, and I'm stuck with antidepressants that are making me feel terrible. Basically no help for a year or so. I don't see any good way to escape this hell.
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Replies
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I know there are no magic bullets; I'm just wondering if anyone has some similar experiences or advice about surviving after a psychiatric emergency, hospitalization, and the aftermath.
I just got out of the psych ward after letting things build up for years, and though the hospitalization was good for acute stabilization, I'm so lost and confused. I've had depression and anxiety since I was 12 and much more recently received the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I've also been told I have OCD traits though not the full disorder and I'd dispute the eating disorder diagnosis despite what the clinicians think. However, everything just feels like it's coming together to absolutely crush me.
I ran away from help for years after a bad experience at 12 and more or less went from no treatment to psych ward in the span of one day. I tried therapy for a couple months before I completely went off the deep end. I was recommended DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) but no DBT informed clinicians were available and I had to go with whoever was available. With different therapists, I felt criticized, abandoned, and mocked and I gave up as my symptoms just kept getting worse the more I engaged in therapy.
I feel awful for burdening other people, so I've always tried my best to mask for years and pretend everything was great and tried to be what people want and expect me to be. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was under involuntary hold and lost my rights to choose what to do and had some terrifying ambulance and ER experiences then. At the ward, I was prescribed Lexapro and I have no history of psychiatric medications before this. I'm a neuroscience major and I know about the 2 weeks of antidepressants being worse before they get better in younger people, but I'm feeling absolutely awful and no amount of knowing it would happen makes it feel better. It was my birthday yesterday, and a loved one tried to make it special, but all I could think about was how much of a burden I was being and how hopeless I felt. I knew they wanted to see me happy, but I couldn't muster a drop of joy, energy, or life.
I really don't know if I can take much more of this. And I'm so sorry for putting this out on the internet; I just really don't have a real life social support system. I got told intensive outpatient therapy would exacerbate my BPD symptoms, DBT waiting lists are a year long, individual therapy is almost impossible to access, and I'm stuck with antidepressants that are making me feel terrible. Basically no help for a year or so. I don't see any good way to escape this hell.
I'm so sorry. Like you say, there's no easy answer. I would keep looking and see if you can find a therapist that specializes in BPD... as, like they mentioned, with BPD, the wrong therapist will be unhelpful at best, damaging at worst. But don't give up. There ARE therapists out there that specialize in it. Keep looking. And keep us updated. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. All the best.3 -
Firstly, sending love. So many of us will and have reached a crisis point and it’s normal . Writing openly and putting yourself out there is courageous and helps with self healing. There are lots of people online that may be able to help you quicker, maybe explore that whilst waiting. When I had my dark night of the soul, I wanted anyone to help fix me, the truth was the best person for it was me. Things that helped were journaling, yoga, meditation, nature, friends, comedy clips (every day) exercise and seeing the beauty in small things. Helping others also helps. I wish you much love and healing on your journey in finding yourself you will find peace .3
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I'm a therapist as my day job, and from the experiences of my clients BPD and everything that comes with it is hell! Lots of love to you. I recommend, as another person said, finding a therapist who specializes in BPD and uses Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (this therapy was created specifically for individuals with BPD, but can be useful for anyone). Also, finding a local NAMI support group may be helpful if there is one up and running in your state.4
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Don't give up!
I have the same history. Getting help is key but not always easy. Think of therapy as a way to "empower yourself" instead of feeling broken or dysfunctional. Finding a good therapist and doctor is important. (I couldn't find a DBT specialist either) Just focus on finding a good psychologist you can work with. Cognitive Behavioral (talk therapy basically) is not easy as it trudges up old wounds but thats how you heal and get strong. A good therapist will guide you but not judge you or speak for you...the less they talk, the better, lol. As far a Lexapro, its an antidepressant which takes time to work - and they do. Antidepressants aren't miracle pills but can make a difference from feeling complete despair to maybe ok, so you can move forward. Just Don't give up. It takes work. And walk...every single day.Movement keeps you physically and emotionally healthy. Best to you!!3 -
Hi! I was diagnosed with BPD a little over a year ago. I highly recommend DBT. I will say this is a journey and it’s not easy. There is constant work, but it does get easier to apply the skills once you get the hang of it. It’s obvious, but you have to actually apply the skills to your life for it to work. I tried bullshitting my way through for a long time and was frustrated because even though I was attending group for months, I didn’t see progress. My first DBT group I was in for a couple months and it wasn’t the right fit. I didn’t like my therapist and the group didn’t feel right, so I found another one. The wait can be long. The first one I signed up for said they were a 5 month wait and the second was a 9 month wait. I would recommend applying for multiple programs at the same time. Right when I was ready to give up on the first program the second program miraculously had a slot open up 7 months early! I love my therapist now and I’m 5 months away from graduating from group and I’ve learned skills that I will utilize for the rest of my life. I will say you are already doing the skills they will teach you. It’s more a matter of acknowledging when you do them so you can apply them in times of crisis rather than continue with unhealthy coping mechanisms. I would also HIGHLY recommend listening to the podcast back back from the borderline. Molly isn’t a professional. She struggles with the same issues which makes her more real and relatable. She speaks on her belief that people aren’t inherently broken but struggle with underlying issues (trauma from abuse and neglect, etc. ) that cause symptoms of BPD and other “mental disorders”. Her podcast has helped me sooooo much and I can relate to her on so many levels and I’m sure you will too.
A good resource to find a therapist is psychology today. I will say I went through about 6 therapists in less than a year. Don’t settle if it doesn’t feel right. Have patience. I promise you will find the right therapist just don’t stop looking and don’t waste your time if it’s not the right fit.
I found my DBT program through the county I live in. You could call a government building and they would be able to point you to a list of resources.
I struggle with this too, but it’s hard to acknowledge our growth. Other people see it but it sometimes feels like we are blind to it. Write down all the things you are doing to try to improve your life even something as small as taking a bath, writing in a journal, taking a walk or a drive and listening to music. These ARE actual all DBT skills. And before making an impulsive decision ask yourself: “how does this support my inner growth?”
I hope this helps 💞8 -
I would also recommend contacting local hospitals for recommendations for local DBT programs. When I was working as a DBT therapist, my group practice was only one in a major metropolitan area that followed the full protocol. We would get quite a number of referrals from the hospitals. That said, along with the recommendation of finding a program that follows the full protocol, if none are available, then certainly try a ‘DBT-lite’ program. DBT-lite is my term, but you can ask the practice if they follow the full protocol. Full protocol is…weekly individual sessions with your DBT therapist, weekly classes (commonly referred to as group sessions, but not actually group counseling sessions) for a year, and phone consultation during non-business hours. (There is another part of the protocol, which is indirect to the clients, related to the therapists, btw).2
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Ooooooh my gosh.
Firstly, I read the initial post, the 1st sentence for the next 2 posts, then moved to comment.
So plz no judgement if I sound...odd.
This page is going to be interesting, I hope. I was just Dx'd with BPD just before COVID....then my Doc died. That SUCKED.
Right at this moment tho, that initial post could have been written by me, it is sooooo closed to where I was a few years ago, and am not too far from since.
But right at this moment, I'm in the bathroom at the folks, taking my insulin like a good Type One, then I must be back to "happy-face-or-else town".
I hope I remember to come back.
Hiiii.
HUggz!!!
Bye!4 -
I second the suggestion to attend a NAMI Connection support group. It’s comforting to be around other people who have the same diagnosis. I was told about the group when I was released from a psychiatric hospital after 3 weeks of involuntary treatment and it really helped me.0
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I don't have BPD, but I'm in a full-protocol DBT group and I love it. I had previously done ACT and CBT, and they didn't really click. I love DBT.I will say you are already doing the skills they will teach you. It’s more a matter of acknowledging when you do them so you can apply them in times of crisis rather than continue with unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Yes, I've noticed some of the skills are things I already do. I like doing them more intentionally though.
I'm a female veteran in the Boston VA system and it took about 4 months to get into the group, which is within Women's Trauma Recovery.0 -
I hope you're hanging in there. +1 for some movement every day. Walking, running, or whatever you like--yoga, pickleball.... If you don't mind being touched, massage can be helpful. Meditation. One day at a time!1
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How are you doing OP?0
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Very brave of you to reach out. Don't ever give up no matter what. Life is precious and you only get one. Keep fighting for yourself, you are worth it. Fight for a better life, fight for your own personal peace and happiness. Do everything you can to help yourself and keep doing it. Some people, like you and like me struggle a lot with mental health throughout life... I've cut down on bad habits that I used to mask my problems... Actually just make things worse. I get a lot of joy out of photography and walking, exercise, swimming.... Eating well.... All make me feel good. Mediation, lots of great apps on phones these days too help you practice relaxation and breathing. Headspace and serenity to make a few. Calm another one. Keep trying your life is precious as you are. X2
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