Appropiate age to have children?

xSophia19
xSophia19 Posts: 1,536 Member
edited October 3 in Chit-Chat
what age do you all think is appropiate to start having children? Personall i think anything over 18 years old :) as long as you are mature enough to look after yourself aswell a little un it should be a problem! :D

Saying that! I fell pregnant at 13, (yes u can all have a go at me for been soo young!) unfortunatley i was in a very rough relationship. The lad was 17, we had been going out for a few months and at the time he was really nice and loving and didnt make me do things i didnt want to! Anyway i stayed at his place for a week as his mum and dad went on holiday.. Everything was running smoothly first day, untill the 2nd day when he things turned for the worse! He got extremely violent threatend to burn my house down with my mum and 4 year old brother inside it if i didnt have sex with him basically. Soo been a young age, i was scared i didnt want mum to know that i was being threatend! Anyway it happend for the rest of the week that i was there, i had no choice but to give in to him. And with this being my first time and all that, i got pregnant! TOM didnt arrive the next month i went to visit doctors with mum as she was extremelly worried (as any mother with a daughter the age 13 whose skipping a period!) took a pregnancy test, and came out positive! Mum had a breakdown in the doctors she didnt know what to do, i had to tell her the truth infront of the doctor exactly what happend! Anyway we all calmed down and discussed things and decided that for the best id shud have an abortion. And soo i did! :( at the time it was something that i wanted as i was only 13, still at school etc etc, but looking back i do wish id of kept it.. I would of had a 6 year old girl/boy with me now! I love kids to bits (i work with them, im a qualified teaching assistant) but i jus feel sooo quilty in what i did back then!

Sorrry i was babbling away there about my past! Which is probably complete rubbish and nonsense to you lot :L, but its made me realise that to become a responsible parent you need to be alot older than 13! You should be able to look after yourself if your going to have another person to look after! :)

Replies

  • pnieuw
    pnieuw Posts: 473
    My own opinion is coloured by my religious views, but I won't make this a religious answer. I think children are a huge responsibility, and a couple should have kids when they are financially able to care for them, and are mature enough to make adult decisions about them. Raising kids is a tough job, and you have to make a lot of hard decisions.

    I'm sure your experience at 13 will make you appreciate the opportunity for kids later in life, when you are truly ready to care for them.

    Congrats on your weight loss for far too - great start towards your goals!
  • Chastityx
    Chastityx Posts: 192 Member
    Sorry, you had to go thru that. i am opposite, I think I waited too long to have my last son. I had him at 31, and i have less energy and don't take him to do as much stuff as I did the other 2. I think the optimal ages to have children are between 25 and 30.
  • SparkleShine
    SparkleShine Posts: 2,001 Member
    Honestly my mouth dropped open when reading this.:noway: I have a 13 daughter and she hasn't even kissed a boy yet.

    That being said, I'm sorry for you honey. That's an awful lot to deal with at such a young age.

    Oh and just my opinion mid 20's.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    Honestly... I dont know what state you reside in, but I do hope there are statutory laws that will be pressed against this 17 year old... you were not considered old enough to consent to sex, he is considered a legal adult and therefore, statutory rape charges apply. Moving forward though, hopefully you will not get involved with a guy just yet and come to realize how much more important school is.... they are definitely not a priority....


    I was not even two months out of high school when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I was age 18, and ****using TWO birthcontrol options**** and STILL got pregnant! UGH!

    I had to give up a free four-year scholarship to college because my pregnancy was considered extremely high risk. Right now, my daughter is 18 years old, she moved out and is on her own and still has one year left of high school. I worry about her jeopardizing her life if she gets pregnant with her boyfriend... Yes, I said jeopardizing.... Its too hard to be raising a baby when the teenager hasnt matured enough at all for this responsibility.

    As far as your question goes... I think the 'right age' ought to be when you have completed college with a viable degree in a field you can find work in relatively easy. You need to have a roof over your head with stable income and hopefully with someone who is the opposite parent (or have a really good support system in place)....

    Right now, jobs for lack of a better word: SUCK. Many people are still out of work who have decades of experience and still cant find work - or even worse, they refuse to accept a lower paying job.

    Healthcare is extremely expensive.
    Being a new mother, the first two years have several doctors appointments just for immunizations, follow ups, monitoring length, weight, and all that is Apgar... This means hoping and praying your employer is understanding enough that you have to take your child to these appointments.

    Cost of daycare - do you make enough for rent, food, utilities, car payments, gas in the car, medications, clothing, do you even have insurance?

    There is definitely alot more to having a baby in addition to the right age. Right now though, having a baby should never be any teenager's thoughts. They really should be concentrating on getting the education they need to graduate, to go to a good college, to get into the field they studied for.... and to learn what it truly means to be on their own - before any baby is brought in.
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
    Whenever you can put the child's needs before yourself.

    My wife and I waited til we were financial secure(Not always required but a plus) and that we got our selfish desires/to do list done before we had our first child. We ended up starting our family at age 27(me) and 26(her) we got married at age 21.
  • xSophia19
    xSophia19 Posts: 1,536 Member
    My own opinion is coloured by my religious views, but I won't make this a religious answer. I think children are a huge responsibility, and a couple should have kids when they are financially able to care for them, and are mature enough to make adult decisions about them. Raising kids is a tough job, and you have to make a lot of hard decisions.

    I'm sure your experience at 13 will make you appreciate the opportunity for kids later in life, when you are truly ready to care for them.

    Congrats on your weight loss for far too - great start towards your goals!

    Yeah it will make me appreciate kids later on in life :)

    And thankyou!! I couldnt have done it without the help of this site lol :)
  • I think this truly is an individual thing, and there is no perfect age.

    I got married at 18, had my first child at 19, and my second at 21. I wouldn't change a thing, but I also wouldn't encourage anyone to start a family that young without really thinking it through.

    We were very fortunate to be able to support our family on our own without having to ask for help, but we've made sacrifices to do that. Our kids have never gone without what they need, but as a family we don't always get to have what we want (does that make sense) I know that, if we had waited until we were older, and if I had gone to college *before* having kids, that might be different.

    My husband and I have talked about that, though. We didn't wait for the "right time" but, honestly, there never would have been a "right" time for us. Maybe we should have waited until I had gone to college. But if we had, I probably would have wanted to work for a few years first. And then we would have wanted to be able to enjoy the results of that hard work and traveled, etc... and then I would have worried that we were getting "too old" (whatever that means) ... who knows if the timing ever would have been right.
  • xSophia19
    xSophia19 Posts: 1,536 Member
    Sorry, you had to go thru that. i am opposite, I think I waited too long to have my last son. I had him at 31, and i have less energy and don't take him to do as much stuff as I did the other 2. I think the optimal ages to have children are between 25 and 30.

    Ahh thats not too old! My mum was 31 when she had my brother lol :)
  • foremant86
    foremant86 Posts: 1,115 Member
    Age is just a number..

    What is important is that the parents be financially stable and have a stable relationship.

    Too many people have kids just because they want them and i'm sorry but it's ignorantly selfish of people to do that, kids take a lot of money to raise and they shouldn't have to struggle through life just because their parents had some empty hole in life to fill.

    My sister had kids because she felt she was incomplete without them, so she ended up having 2 kids with an ex felon who is in and out of rehab and jail....and these kids have to grow up with all this BS in their lives and she'll never able to pay for college for them or anything else and they'll have to struggle all because of her selfishness.

    I'm almost 25 and i couldn't fathom raising children right now, i'm not financially stable and I don't know exactly where i'm going in life(though i have a pretty good direction) and I love my freedom, i don't understand people's need to have kids when they are still figuring themselves out.
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
    I think this truly is an individual thing, and there is no perfect age.

    I got married at 18, had my first child at 19, and my second at 21. I wouldn't change a thing, but I also wouldn't encourage anyone to start a family that young without really thinking it through.

    We were very fortunate to be able to support our family on our own without having to ask for help, but we've made sacrifices to do that. Our kids have never gone without what they need, but as a family we don't always get to have what we want (does that make sense) I know that, if we had waited until we were older, and if I had gone to college *before* having kids, that might be different.

    My husband and I have talked about that, though. We didn't wait for the "right time" but, honestly, there never would have been a "right" time for us. Maybe we should have waited until I had gone to college. But if we had, I probably would have wanted to work for a few years first. And then we would have wanted to be able to enjoy the results of that hard work and traveled, etc... and then I would have worried that we were getting "too old" (whatever that means) ... who knows if the timing ever would have been right.

    Lol you sound like my wife! I had her convinced on it and then when I turned 26 and we had been married for 6 years, she said okay we have a house, cars, and have traveled you ARE GIVING ME A BABY!!! Now that I have an amazing kid (and pressure for another one now...O.O) I can't picture my life without my lil' guy. Just an amazing experience and I just love watching him grow every day, at the age of 3 he is constantly amazing me and knocking my socks off with what the figures out, thinks, and does.
  • Lotte34
    Lotte34 Posts: 429 Member
    I don't think you should have children until you are married. I know people who have got married at the age of 17 and started having children straight away and i know people who have waited. Its down to you as a person. You have to be a stable, responsible, mature (well at least not a complete big kid) person who understands the MASSIVE reponsibilities that come with a baby
  • Wow. I'm actually speechless. Most of the girls in my year at school have had babies earlier, but anything under the age of 18 is silly in my opinion.

    I don't believe in bringing a child into the world unless you can support it. As 20 year old girl living in quite a rough area of England, I see girls having babies so young, and then living on benefits for the rest of their lives.
  • Whenever you are ready and able (financially) to cope with the massive responsibility it brings. For some people that might be very young - we've all read the stories of teenage parents being way too young/immature for parenthood but I've also seen the stories of teenagers being absolutely fantastic parents - the one that is always in my mind are the 16yr olds who had a disabled child and not only coped but were just about the best parents that child could have hoped for - they went on to have a second son when they were 18 who was also disabled and still managed beautifully.

    If it were me (not that it would be, I just don't do kids LOL) I wouldn't feel anything like ready now - I turn 29 next week. Even if I wanted kids I wouldn't be ready physically (medical probs), mentally or financially - nothing like. My sister wanted kids for years - she finally had her son 4 years ago, she was 35 but wasn't ready and in a relationship with the right person until 6 years ago. She was desparate for them before but it was just never quite right for her to try I don't think - as soon as she met her husband she just knew.

    On the flipside, my brother had his son 5 years ago (he was 34) and still isn't ready or willing for the commitment (but that applies to every area of his life - even his dog (who now lives with me because of his neglect), he's just a lazy, selfish person and a complete waste of oxygen but that's another story lol!).

    I also went to school with someone who met the love of her life at 18 and had their first child at 21 I think, far as I know they are still going strong and possibly have a second child now (we aren't in contact any more). She's my age.

    So it is utterly individual - there's no right or wrong. You could argue from a biological point of view that maybe the 20s are the best time - mid to late 30s fertility drops off a cliff for most women (apparently not my family, much to my chagrin - not just my sister who was late but my mum fell pregnant with me at 39!) so from that point of view earlier is better, but with technology the way it is these days, almost any time is ok.
  • xSophia19
    xSophia19 Posts: 1,536 Member
    I actually agree with you all here! I also agree that young mothers end up on benifits! Quite a few people i know have got kids and now live on benifits! Im going to wait untill ive reached a decent responsible age, im financially stable, lovely house, husband who loves me for who i am and all that! :) its nice to see everyones opinions tho hehe
  • I don't think there's an appropriate age to have children, nor a 'right' one.

    As long as the child will be loved, cared for, brought up in a safe, stable home with appropriate means to do so, then why shouldn't anyone have that child?

    I personally can't see myself having children until my mid to late 20's, maybe even my early 30's, purely because I want to have the opportunity to have my own life, get a career and build up the means to support a child. A close friend of mine fell pregnant at 16, tragically had a still birth and last month, at the age of 18, delivered a healthy little boy.

    It's all down to the individual, well, individuals involved :)
  • ursy87
    ursy87 Posts: 287
    I have been with my husband since we were 18 (there's less than a month between us in age), moved in together at 21, we got married at 24 and had our first baby at 25, we had jobs, a house, car, dog, hamster, goldfish and felt we were ready for the BIG step of starting a family. Had second baby at 31 and 3rd and last at 35.

    I was the first out of my group of friends to have babies, a few left it till nearer 30 and beyond, my sis in law waited till late 30's because of career, then found out she had fertility problems, its one of her regrets that she waited, she is now almost 50 and childless.

    Who's to say what age is the right age, its worked for us :smile:
  • Lisa_222
    Lisa_222 Posts: 301 Member
    There is no right answer to your question. Everybody has an opinion that reflects their beliefs and personal experiences. The best time to have a child is whenever someone decides they are ready to be a parent. At 13, you were still a child, yourself.
  • Liliacea
    Liliacea Posts: 17 Member
    I think I'm not going to have a baby before I'm 36. I live in Istanbul and people here usually don't have children before they get a proper job and a house, so the majority of the people here have children when they're 28-35. But of course there's a minority (most (not all but most) of these people are uneducated and lower class) who have children in their teens and such. When it comes to me, I want to live my twenties as I wish, without the responsibility of having a child. Also, at this time of my life (I'm 20) I'm still selfish enough to think that I don't want to ruin my body with having a child. But most importantly, my studies (I'm going to collage) and (eventually) my career comes first.
    I see that some (minority, maybe? - I don't exactly know) people in USA and UK are having children at very young ages - anything below 26-28 is considered very young for me - and I have never been able to understand why people (intentionally or unintentionally) are having children at young ages and risking their studies and careers.
    I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing. Or, maybe it's because it's harder to find a job in Turkey so (if you want to get a job you should study very hard) teenagers here prefer to focus on their studies. Could be both too.
    Anyway, so the appropriate age for ME to have children is 36.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,420 Member
    I think it was very courageous of you to post your story.

    Life has a way of taking its twists and turns. I am 57 and have no children. While I think I would have been a good mom, I never found the relationship that made me feel safe enough to take that leap.

    I don't regret my choices. I am at peace with my life. It sounds like you are, too. You will make the choices that you are comfortable with, when you are ready.
  • brittanyjeanxo
    brittanyjeanxo Posts: 1,831 Member
    I feel like there is no specific age. I think so long as the parents are financially stable and able to support their child/children it's fine. I wish my mom had not gotten pregnant at such a young age because she never went to college, never got a real job, and had to give up a lot of things she could have done with her life and had 3 kids before she was 21. Her and my father are great parents, but they never learned how to properly manage their money because they just kind of barely scraped by. Even now I don't feel like they'd be financially stable enough for kids.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    As someone who was 19 when she had her 1st child, and who maintained the maturity to stop acting 19 when that happened, I have to say being mature didn't make it any more ideal. I'm 33 and finally got my BA. I missed my selfish early-20s years. I barely got to travel anywhere. I don't resent my children or wish it had been different. I had benefits from being a young mother. But if someone were to take my advice, I'd tell them to wait until they've achieved some level of satisfaction in terms of education, career, and your core wishes and desires. It doesn't mean you have to find utopia before having a child, but these are big, important things, and your children will blanket your dreams with their needs faster than you can say "Diaper Genie".
  • sting9902
    sting9902 Posts: 22 Member
    i was 23 when my first daughter was born :)
  • dshiemke
    dshiemke Posts: 24 Member
    I waited and had my kids at 30, 33, and 37. I had a bit of a career after college, then became a stay at home mom after the third child was born. I feel like I had a chance to do everything and didn't miss out on anything. It's working for us.
  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
    2
  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
    I HAFD MY FIRST AT 18
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    I dont plan on having biological children, but I would guess maybe 24-25 at the earliest for most people. I say this because that is when the brain is completely formed.

    My mom had me when she was 43 though...rather late, but she was a great mom! I think having an older mom was beneficial in that she was more mature and stuff though ^^

    BTW I am so sorry that happened to you ^^ You didnt deserve that, and I think the abortion was the right thing to do. It wasn't like you were using it as a form of birth control, you were taken advantage of. You sound like a mature young woman now, but a child is at least an 18 year commitment.
  • BondBomb
    BondBomb Posts: 1,781 Member
    I had my son at 36.I don't know if I will have anymore but I am glad I waited. I have a great career and good income. He has everything he could Need or want. Plus I got all of the 'party' out of my system.
    Well most of it :)
  • Queen_JessieA
    Queen_JessieA Posts: 1,059 Member
    I was 19 and wouldn't have it any other way. I had all three of my kids by the time I was 25.
  • I don't think theres an appropiate age really....I had my son when I was 2 months away from my 21st birthday....I got thrown into single motherhood at a young age and it really made me grow up....It turned my usual selfish ways into giving my all to my son...I'm sure that doesn't happen with all people though..I think its different with every person
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