Feeling Torn - A Desperate Failure

zillah73
zillah73 Posts: 505 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have always been ardently opposed to weight loss medication, surgery, etc. on my own personal journey. I never begrudged anyone making their own decisions on what was best for them; however, I was steadfast in my determination that I could achieve my desired weight and fitness level through diet and exercise alone. In the past I was successful, losing close to 120 pounds.

Now I find myself in new territory, at a crossroads. I have regained half of the weight I lost and I have been stuck here for the better part of a year. What I achieved through diet and exercise seem impossible now because of my environment - an environment I can no longer control or change.

When I lost weight in the past I was single and living on my own. I could hit the gym after work every day and stay there as long as I liked because nobody was waiting for me at home, wanting to spend time with me. I could keep my home free from temptations like snack food and desserts. Now everything is different. I am married and my husband is a naturally slender person who loves snacking on mixed nuts, chips, crackers, and dried fruit. He loves his after-dinner desserts. He wants to spend time together when I'm not working. While I believe his heart is in the right place, he often makes very triggering comments about my eating - "I can't believe you eat so fast." "How are you hungry again already?" "Didn't you just eat?" He doesn't understand and, no matter how many times I have explained to him how painful and harmful it is for me to hear things like that, he continues.

I feel desperate... my eating is out of control. My doctor recently said I shouldn't go to the gym unless it's to swim after stressing my ankle (probably at least partly caused by my carrying too much weight on my body).

I have an appointment this afternoon for a meeting with my healthcare provider to discuss weight loss medication options. There is a big part of me that feels like a failure for even entertaining the idea, like I am trying to take the "easy way out." I feel so torn between the way I always saw myself succeeding and the hopelessness I feel in my current situation.

Replies

  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now, but the comments from your husband (that don't stop after talking to him about their affects on you) is a major concern. Will he go to marriage counseling with you? If not, consider going on your own.

    Talking to your doctor is a good idea, however, weight loss medications won't fix your issues at home. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't mean it that way. Good luck and let us know how your conversation with the doctor goes, if you wish.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    Oh, and also, you're NOT a desperate failure! You're learning to navigate new, difficult circumstances.
  • EDTake2
    EDTake2 Posts: 165 Member
    edited August 2023
    I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. But I really want to say that you have not failed. We all struggle to a certain level with our own environment, psychological, physical changes/triggers (that are not in our control). My naturally slender husband seems very similar to yours. He can eat whatever, at any time of the day (ice cream at 11PM) and no weight change. What has been working for me (heaviest 230LB 2021/2022, went down to 183LB in 2022, went back up to 210LBS and now down to 183LBS) is intermitted fasting (IF) in combination to calorie counting (CC). I eat my calories for breakfast and lunch, and then nothing until next day. Dinner for me was a trigger to overeat. I would sit with my husband, and whatever he ate, I would eat. This caused me to eat over my calories, and I would tell myself, 'Ok, tomorrow morning we start again with CC and stick to it'. It was a very vicious cycle that it took a lot of strength, and trial and error, to get out of. Now, dinner time, I occupy myself with other things (laundry/walk/go to the Y or Zomba class, making food ready for next day) and not pay attention to what he is eating at dinner/late night snack, because I know that if I sit and look at what he is eating, I will be tempted (and there have been days that I give in to temptation). I have communicated this to my husband and made sure he understands my feelings and that I have to do this for myself. (FYI, I do eat breakfast and lunch with him, those are our meals together, and after dinner we sit and chat or read/watch a movie). For you, maybe you can skip breakfast and have a small lunch, so that your dinner with your husband is where you get most of your calories.

    I do wish you the best of luck. I think playing around with different ideas and approaches, will give you a chance to see what works best for you. I know that for me IF combined with CC works, and it's something that I can do for the rest of my life. Also, seeking medical advice and help is really not a bad thing, and sometimes that is exactly what is needed to push us in the right direction. I did talk to my doctor before starting IF in combination to CC to make sure I was not causing myself any harm. I have my follow up appointment in Oct, I will be close to 40lbs loss by then (fingers crossed), cannot wait to see what the Doc will say : ) and my blood work results.

  • MurphmomSparkles
    MurphmomSparkles Posts: 208 Member
    Addressing depression/anxiety sounds in order. Any kind of a major change, even a good one, like getting married causes major stress and takes a lot of adjustment. You might like the podcast “Losing 100 Pounds” with Corinne Crabtree. She has episodes that talk about how to deal with an unsupportive spouse.
  • zebasschick
    zebasschick Posts: 1,067 Member
    i'm so sorry you're going through this, but you're not a failure. most people gain back the weight they lose because they focus on losing weight. the problem is, if one hits a weight they're happy with through dieting or medication, they don't know how to eat to maintain it. no one teaches us about calories, how many, nutrition or anything. we're just magically supposed to know.

    i still have eating madness fall upon me, but i've discovered that if i make my own popsicles with water and calorie-free water enhancer (and there are SO many flavors!!!) or calorie free soda, and once i found which flavors i liked the best, they keep me satisfied. i can also make slushes. i also found lots of lower calorie snacks like dannon light & fit yogurt (especially the cherry and the vanilla), juicy gels sugar free orange and strawberry jello cups, meringues, and a wide variety of foods to grab when i want something to munch.

    btw, a few years ago, i lost 60 pounds by replacing my regular foods with lighter versions. that's when i found the dannon light and fit yogurt and many other lighter versions of things like milk, ice cream and cheese. some of the light foods i tried weren't very good, but some were yummy.

    do what works for you. there's nothing wrong with the easy way. life is hard - why make it harder, right?
  • fiver1007
    fiver1007 Posts: 1 Member
    You are not a failure at all! Be gentle with yourself. Your husband frankly sounds like a jerk. Anyone who makes critical remarks to another human being, particularly someone they cohabit with is not just insensitive, they are callous, cruel & verging into abuse territory. If your dr okays it, maybe gentle yoga could give you an emotional boost. Don't give up and don't focus on where you were at before. Know that we all fall and each time we're starting anew. I am so sorry you're having such a hard time.

Categories