Good Pride:Bad Pride Arrogance or Confidence

MassiveDelta · September 2011

Ive lost almost a hundred pounds as you can see from my ticker *points*. My family is all heavy (Father, Mother, Brothers, sisters) even my extended family (Aunts Uncles etc). I have worked really hard to get where I am today. I did it the right way...A change in diet and exercise. I stopped over eating crap and moved more, a lot more.

I've gone from being a 300lb couch potato to a 198 Triathlete. Its taken hard work and dedication and lots of sacrifice. In that transformation not only did I change my outward appearance but I also became more confidant in my own abilities. My self-esteem improved and I began to see myself as worth fighting for and worthwhile. I found that I was making progress and I actually could be successful at something. I was excited about it. People were beginning to notice and it felt great!

I reached a point where I was thinner then I had been when I met my wife and thinner then when I had been a senior in high school. I was running quite a bit and had done a few 5K's and I was cycling probably 60-80 miles a week. I started training for a triathlon. I wasn't completely to goal (I still am working on it) but I needed a new drive. It was about training and getting fit not just losing weight.

I started getting some negative feed back about Me. Not from anyone I other then family though... I was a jerk. I was being an arrogant *kitten*... My sister said I was so full of pride I was about ready to land on my face.

So I've been reflecting all day on my attitude. I dont think those things are true. I would never feel like I'm better then someone else especially about weight loss of fitness....Cause I'm far from perfect or even close to my goal. I know that if I ever quit I would just wind up right back where I was I would never even begin to think I was better then them or anyone else. Im not.

So now I'm questioning myself. Is the pride I have for myself and my accomplishments a bad thing? Am I arrogant or just confidant>? Is that bad?

albayin · September 2011

I think I get your point. We all, more or less tend to "educate" people with what we think we know better, such as weight loss, or eating healthy. It's because we have gone though that so we should know better, right? The thing is other people may or may not see this. The same message, but it depends on how you send it to the audience.

I think keeping focus on yourself, not others and only giving advice when you are asked might help.

speakz82 · September 2011

I'm in your shoes. I ran my first marathon last Sunday, and this was HUGE for me on top of losing 100lbs. A lot of people do NOT like the fact I have new found confidence. There is a fine line between being a jerk, and using your new found confidence to help others. I personally get a lot of crap for it...but I "ditched" my fat friends. I notice when I talk to my old group of friends I tend to have bad days...where as when I associate with my new running friends, I do better. It's harsh, but peer pressure does effect us. You sound totally confident and like most of the cyclists and runners I've been blessed to cross paths with. Congrats on ALL your achievements!

trilikeagirl · September 2011

It sounds like you already know the answer to your question. I'd just like to say, Nice Job, MassiveDelta!!!!! It's normal for others to have to adjust when we make big changes, especially if we move away from things that have bonded us in the past. Might be helpful to have a frank conversation with your family member(s) about what they might be missing in your relationship, or changes you might make that could help them be more comfortable. Don't doubt yourself. You're a rock star!

BettyMargaret · September 2011

You have every right to be proud of yourself! As long as you aren't cramming it down someones throat... so to speak... I would hope your family would be happy you are healthier! I'm proud of ya! Good work!

HMonsterX · September 2011

but I "ditched" my fat friends.

Hmm..so you ditched your fat friends, a group you used to be part of? You ditched them just because they are fat, you no longer are?

If that is the case, that's pretty shallow imo...

velix · September 2011

First of all, congratulations on your dedication and ambition.

Secondly, without knowing any one involved, it has been stated many times on these boards that a lot of people have a hard time with change in others. People hate being confronted with their shortcomings and fault's through someone else's success.

By changing and being dedicated, people often tend to look at that as you "trying to be better" than them .. I have had this happen to me - not about weight loss but about my education (long story but suffice to say, I am the only person on both sides of my family to pursue a PhD - as such, I am often accused of thinking that I am better than them - which - if anyone who really knows me, is farthest from the truth. Yes, I am proud - but never at the expense of others).

Keep your chin up high, be proud of your accomplishments, and hope that they too can find it in themselves to find the kind of pride and happiness you sound like you have.

MisterDubs303 · September 2011

At a minimum, our changes are encroaching on relationships that, though less than perfect, were comfortably predictable. While people wish the best for us, they didn't make this choice for us. Think about how many people in our circles also need to lose weight - still need to start losing weight. WE are the mavericks who figured out how to make it work, stuck to it, and left everyone else in the dust. Our success highlights their lack thereof. Our new confidence may be a little intimidating to people who still lack confidence or feel even more sensitive to their failure to make the same changes in their own lives.

I think that we should do our best to reassure our loved ones that we are the same people, but that we are also experiencing and expressing parts of us that have just been waiting to be released in the past. And of course, trying to do that gracefully.

speakz82 · September 2011

but I "ditched" my fat friends.

Hmm..so you ditched your fat friends, a group you used to be part of? You ditched them just because they are fat, you no longer are?

If that is the case, that's pretty shallow imo...

Yeah, I did. When my interests don't include what they used to...things change. My time is spent running, hiking, and weight lifting. These people don't want to come by and do those things. These are the people that have no problem drinking til they pass out, and the same goes for eating. I've tried encouraging, and helping them but they are the type that just would rather complain than do something about it. I simply have nothing in common with them anymore. People change. It's life.

I'm sorry you find me shallow. I think I'm pretty damn awesome...but shallow no.

HMonsterX · September 2011

but I "ditched" my fat friends.

Hmm..so you ditched your fat friends, a group you used to be part of? You ditched them just because they are fat, you no longer are?

If that is the case, that's pretty shallow imo...

Yeah, I did. When my interests don't include what they used to...things change. My time is spent running, hiking, and weight lifting. These people don't want to come by and do those things. These are the people that have no problem drinking til they pass out, and the same goes for eating. I've tried encouraging, and helping them but they are the type that just would rather complain than do something about it. I simply have nothing in common with them anymore. People change. It's life.

I'm sorry you find me shallow. I think I'm pretty damn awesome...but shallow no.

Fair enough. I thought you ditched them purely because they were fat and you wasn't any more. If your interests changed, then yeah, makes sense

LeSsOvMe · September 2011

Awesome post! So very very proud of you. I love you, and I know that you are not the person they say you are. I know you better than anyone of them. You are amazing and we love you so much. I don't know what we would do w/o you. Thank you for losing all the weight and changing your lifestyle so you will be with us for many years to come. Don't let them get you down. I love the "new you" *kisses*

MassiveDelta · September 2011

but I "ditched" my fat friends.

Hmm..so you ditched your fat friends, a group you used to be part of? You ditched them just because they are fat, you no longer are?

If that is the case, that's pretty shallow imo...

I've done this too ditching your "unhealthy" friends is a good idea. Keep those around you who inspire you and motivate you.

SmartFunGorgeous · September 2011

From the little I've known of you, you seem more proud of your accomplishments than arrogant. My little sister lost a lot of weight, and she went through this too, though not with her immediate family. We WERE concerned initially, that she was going too far (getting too thin), but she's healthy, and it was just, huh. We've never seen her this little and just needed to adjust. But numerous others have approached me and made comments about her, and I think they just felt the same shock, but were less forgiving. I 100% believe that those who are judging you like this are having difficult adjusting, and would rather blame you than look too carefully at themselves. The very fact that you've dwelt on this and worried over it shows that you're not arrogant.

Great job on your accomplishments!

koosdel · September 2011

"...its not cocky, if you can back it up." -Kid Rock.

KnottyJen · September 2011

*hugs* I'm sorry that your family hasn't been more supportive of you Hun. Like most have already said, people have a difficult time with change, even if the changes don't directly affect them. I think what you're doing and what you've done already is incredible and you have every reason in the world to be proud of yourself. The confidence and pride that you have gained are earned. Hopefully those people will come back around and realize that their lack of support isn't hurting anyone but themselves, as they are lucky to have such a great and inspiring man in their lives. Keep it up, Love. And know that your MFP's (like me!!!!!) have got your back!!!

MassiveDelta · September 2011

First of all, congratulations on your dedication and ambition.

Secondly, without knowing any one involved, it has been stated many times on these boards that a lot of people have a hard time with change in others. People hate being confronted with their shortcomings and fault's through someone else's success.

By changing and being dedicated, people often tend to look at that as you "trying to be better" than them .. I have had this happen to me - not about weight loss but about my education (long story but suffice to say, I am the only person on both sides of my family to pursue a PhD - as such, I am often accused of thinking that I am better than them - which - if anyone who really knows me, is farthest from the truth. Yes, I am proud - but never at the expense of others).

Keep your chin up high, be proud of your accomplishments, and hope that they too can find it in themselves to find the kind of pride and happiness you sound like you have.

This and Velix advice is very good. I think this may be true I think there may be some resentment and possible misconceptions about my success and their lack of success I wish this wasn't so. Some of the comments have been terribly hateful.

pinstripepirate · September 2011

"...its not cocky, if you can back it up." -Kid Rock.

*love*

Some people touched on this already and I'm going to agree and say a lot of their negativity stems from personal problems. If they are insecure with themselves, they may feel uncomfortable with the changes they see in you. It may cause them to feel inadequate, even though you aren't doing anything to affirm those feelings in them. I've been overweight my entire life, and many of my family members are heavy as well. When I was in middle school/high school, my mom lost a ton of weight. Everyone telling her how great she looked made me feel uncomfortable because I felt like everyone was comparing me to my mom, and next to her I looked like crap. It was even worse if people tried to talk to me about how great she looked when my mom wasn't around. I know they were just being supportive of her and everything, but it was incredibly difficult for me and I had never felt more fat and awkward. Not one person EVER said to me that I should do what she was doing or that I needed to lose weight... those thoughts and feelings I had imposed on myself.

You've done a fantastic job, and even though I don't know you personally, from what I know about you as your friend on MFP, I doubt that you're rubbing your successes in other people's faces. You're entirely too kind and supportive for that kind of behavior. The best you can do for your family is keep an open mind and try to understand their perspective on your weight loss... Although I kind of wish they would do the same for you, because you deserve it!

atsteele · September 2011

There are two types of pride. One is the pride in a job accomplished and done well. Nothing wrong with that. I feel pride when I finish a marathon or even just tackling a new goal like Tae Kwon Do. Heck, at my age, if I was going by the popular opinion, I wouldn't be doing any of this! And then there is the pride that is which one feels superior to others. I think that you can feel good about yourself, realize your worth as a human being and still not be conceited.

lauehorn · September 2011

Ive lost almost a hundred pounds as you can see from my ticker *points*. My family is all heavy (Father, Mother, Brothers, sisters) even my extended family (Aunts Uncles etc). I have worked really hard to get where I am today. I did it the right way...A change in diet and exercise. I stopped over eating crap and moved more, a lot more.

I've gone from being a 300lb couch potato to a 198 Triathlete. Its taken hard work and dedication and lots of sacrifice. In that transformation not only did I change my outward appearance but I also became more confidant in my own abilities. My self-esteem improved and I began to see myself as worth fighting for and worthwhile. I found that I was making progress and I actually could be successful at something. I was excited about it. People were beginning to notice and it felt great!

I reached a point where I was thinner then I had been when I met my wife and thinner then when I had been a senior in high school. I was running quite a bit and had done a few 5K's and I was cycling probably 60-80 miles a week. I started training for a triathlon. I wasn't completely to goal (I still am working on it) but I needed a new drive. It was about training and getting fit not just losing weight.

I started getting some negative feed back about Me. Not from anyone I other then family though... I was a jerk. I was being an arrogant *kitten*... My sister said I was so full of pride I was about ready to land on my face.

So I've been reflecting all day on my attitude. I dont think those things are true. I would never feel like I'm better then someone else especially about weight loss of fitness....Cause I'm far from perfect or even close to my goal. I know that if I ever quit I would just wind up right back where I was I would never even begin to think I was better then them or anyone else. Im not.

So now I'm questioning myself. Is the pride I have for myself and my accomplishments a bad thing? Am I arrogant or just confidant>? Is that bad?

Several years ago, I lost a bit of weight and completely changed my lifestyle, which resulted in less going out and drinking, more getting up early to go ride bikes and train for triathlons, all things to which my friends were not accustomed. It was a real strain on my relationships. At first, it was because they couldn't handle the change and it was threatening, but the longer it went on, I realized I had become more insensitive and jaded by their reaction to how changes had impacted the them and heightened their insecurities. While it wasn't necessarily my fault and, no, I didn't have to abandon my change for them, I should have made more of an effort to be sensitive to them and their challenges and celebrate my success in ways that didn't alienate them. At the time, I felt like it was their problem and not mine. In hindsight, that didn't remain true and to be a "good" friend, I should have been more sensitive and aware, and less pushy about putting my new lifestyle on them. Just be careful. It's a fine line between arrogance and confidence. If you value your relationships, put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they are feeling and how they may perceive your actions or comments. Not to say there aren't those who are just out to rain on any parade and yes, your friends should be supportive of you and encouraging and celebratory, but make sure you aren't asking too much and that you are giving back equally. Congrats on your success!

alyssamiller77 · September 2011

It's very easy for pride to be mistaken for arrogance, especially when there's an emmotional element. Remember, your weight loss and fitness successes probably in and of themselves make your family members feel inferior. You're all trim, fit and doing things they can only imagine being able to do. Now add on top of that your pride in your accomplishments and in their emmotional dilemma they turn the anger they're harboring at themselves on you instead.

Personally I don't think you've done anything wrong. You have every right to be EXTREMELY proud of what you've done. Just like getting a Master's degree, buying a first home, or any other long term goal, you've accomplished something major through commitment, hard work and dedication. It's been a long haul for you and it's not easy so the fact that you've been successful is something you should be very proud of and honestly your family *should* be proud for you as well.

That said, perception is reality. And while your family should be proud, they're having a hard time dealing with those emmotions of self-guilt and inferiority. So you do have to keep that in mind when you talk to them about anything to do with your fitness and weight loss. Your excitement over your accomplishments probably leads to you talking about it on occasions. What is probably normal amounts to them may seem like a constant barrage so keep that in mind. At the same time, I wouldn't be shy with them about sharing your feelings either though. Let them know that it's just as hurtful for them to not show more support and pride in what you've done. If you had gotten a masters or built a first home or something, wouldn't they be proud of you for that?

Galathea96 · September 2011

Ive lost almost a hundred pounds as you can see from my ticker *points*. My family is all heavy (Father, Mother, Brothers, sisters) even my extended family (Aunts Uncles etc). I have worked really hard to get where I am today. I did it the right way...A change in diet and exercise. I stopped over eating crap and moved more, a lot more.

I've gone from being a 300lb couch potato to a 198 Triathlete. Its taken hard work and dedication and lots of sacrifice. In that transformation not only did I change my outward appearance but I also became more confidant in my own abilities. My self-esteem improved and I began to see myself as worth fighting for and worthwhile. I found that I was making progress and I actually could be successful at something. I was excited about it. People were beginning to notice and it felt great!

I reached a point where I was thinner then I had been when I met my wife and thinner then when I had been a senior in high school. I was running quite a bit and had done a few 5K's and I was cycling probably 60-80 miles a week. I started training for a triathlon. I wasn't completely to goal (I still am working on it) but I needed a new drive. It was about training and getting fit not just losing weight.

I started getting some negative feed back about Me. Not from anyone I other then family though... I was a jerk. I was being an arrogant *kitten*... My sister said I was so full of pride I was about ready to land on my face.

So I've been reflecting all day on my attitude. I dont think those things are true. I would never feel like I'm better then someone else especially about weight loss of fitness....Cause I'm far from perfect or even close to my goal. I know that if I ever quit I would just wind up right back where I was I would never even begin to think I was better then them or anyone else. Im not.

So now I'm questioning myself. Is the pride I have for myself and my accomplishments a bad thing? Am I arrogant or just confidant>? Is that bad?

I would say it depends on how you come across to other people. On the one hand you have every right to be happy about yourself and your achievements. You worked hard for it and gave it your all. On the other hand, it's really easy for someone to come across as a smug or self satisfied person even when one isn't actually trying to be.

If you really are worried about how people perceive you, you'll probably have to watch how do you come across to other people, especially when it comes to to topics such as health and fitness. How do you react to them and their problems? Do they feel as if you're smug and holier than thou when you say something about excercise, health, food etc.? Do they think you're acting as if you're better than them?

Good Pride:Bad Pride Arrogance or Confidence

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