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Why do so many women over 40 struggle with stress?
ddsb1111
Posts: 871 Member
This seemed like the right place to put this. Not because I want to argue or debate necessarily, I just want to hear what you’ve experienced with yourself and in others. I turned 42 recently, fairly young in terms of this referenced article, but that’s not the point. The article is a highlighter on an issue I’ve personally noticed and would love to know all the who, what, where, when, why, and how’s of it…. If it’s even possible.
What I’m NOT looking for is an excuse to have Karen like behavior, like I “deserve” to act in a certain way. And, if it’s hormones, I want to change that. Is there anything that can be done? Why am I so stressed over even the sound of a commercial or my husband driving? Where did my version of “care-free” go?
https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/11/i-started-to-unravel-why-do-so-many-women-over-40-struggle-with-stress
What I’m NOT looking for is an excuse to have Karen like behavior, like I “deserve” to act in a certain way. And, if it’s hormones, I want to change that. Is there anything that can be done? Why am I so stressed over even the sound of a commercial or my husband driving? Where did my version of “care-free” go?
https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/11/i-started-to-unravel-why-do-so-many-women-over-40-struggle-with-stress
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Replies
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I think it’s hard to tease out overarching feelings of stress when there are always so many competing priorities in day to day life. However, I don’t think the role of hormones can be disregarded in the least. A year ago, there were SO MANY things wrong with me. Constant fatigue—like minimum 10 hours a night fatigue. Body aches, plantar fasciitis, heart palpitations, brain fog, aphasia, hair loss, different skin texture…all kinds of stuff. I honestly felt like I was 180 years old all the time. My sister pointed out how many of these things line up with peri menopause. I finally went to the doctor, we did some blood work and I was dead in the middle of every hormonal indicator of peri menopause. Some estrogen patches and progesterone pills CHANGED MY LIFE within just a few days.
If you can talk your doc into hormone testing, that would probably give you the best indication. That can sometimes be tricky though. My doctor said she almost never does hormone testing. I hadn’t had a period in 25+ years, so couldn’t really speak to the usual indicators like irregular periods so blood work was the only thing we could diagnose from.
I also believe in incremental stress. I think we hit points where so many constant little things add up that it’s hard to deal with anything at all and everything seems to push your buttons.
I admit, I have a pretty sweet life. Great job (most days), I’m single, childfree and don’t have to deal with a lot of the stresses other lifestyles can suffer. But when I start to feel piled on and “nothing’s wrong except everything’s wrong” feeling, I know it’s time to step back and prioritize taking care of myself to keep things from snowballing. But HRT helped calm my temper tremendously and honestly, I just don’t get worked up like I used to. Not in a sedated kind of way, but a lower key kind of way.
TL;DR: peri menopause is more than weird periods and it starts earlier than a lot of people expect. Check hormones for sure, but life also just piles up until little things become big things and you get asked to leave PetSmart…
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This seemed like the right place to put this. Not because I want to argue or debate necessarily, I just want to hear what you’ve experienced with yourself and in others. I turned 42 recently, fairly young in terms of this referenced article, but that’s not the point. The article is a highlighter on an issue I’ve personally noticed and would love to know all the who, what, where, when, why, and how’s of it…. If it’s even possible.
What I’m NOT looking for is an excuse to have Karen like behavior, like I “deserve” to act in a certain way. And, if it’s hormones, I want to change that. Is there anything that can be done? Why am I so stressed over even the sound of a commercial or my husband driving? Where did my version of “care-free” go?
https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/11/i-started-to-unravel-why-do-so-many-women-over-40-struggle-with-stress
PERI-MENOPAUSE OR ANXIETY- It really depends. For some women, it's peri-menopause upping the stress. You may talk to your doctor and see what may work. You might see if your doctor can recommend some options. Soy, hormone therapy, and mood elevators---may help. You might try exercise--because it sometimes helps with the underlying anxiety. See if it is peri-menopause. They can do blood work. If not, it may be just anxiety. Exercise and meds can help manage it non-medically. Peri-menopause can run 10+years. People don't realize that it can screw with you for years. For some, it is mild. For others, it sets your pants on fire. But it is fixable. Sometimes, you can manage it with exercise, meditation, and rest. For others, a low dose of medication can help--what kind--you have to ask your doctor. Things have really changed. Estrogen supplements or a mild anxiety med may help. But talk to your doctor.
OTHER ISSUES- Do you have other issues such as ADHD? These types of issues have a tendency to get worse in your 40's. Non-medicated ADHD can sometimes be manageable without meds, but unmedicated ADHD can really ramp up in your 40's. All those years of masking can lead to high levels of anxiety/stress/depression.
- Thyroid? If you have developed thyroid issues, it can cause dry skin, anxiety, hair loss or growth.
- Vitamin Deficiencies---If you are low on Magnesium, D3, B6, Zinc, Omega3s--it will also ramp up your anxiety.
- Poor sleep--Your sleep can not be restful sometimes in your 40's. It'll ramp up your anxiety.
- GAD, BURNOUT-- Mild generalized anxiety or life/work burnout often gets worse in your 40s or 50s. Hormones fluctuate and can cause mild conditions to flare unpredictably.
I would start with bloodwork. Find out if you are in peri-menopause. Also run a thyroid and vitamin panel. If it is any of these things, meds can help.
Good luck.
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My take (I'm 68 and still have hot flashes after 10 years of menopause) is that anxiety goes up and that causes many problems. That's why I will feel stressed, snappy, overworked (I'm a housewife and you can NEVER retire), achey, you name it.......
I'm dealing with it as best I can. I do some sort of exercise everyday. I do some yoga, but started Tai Chi in the park early mornings with a group of Chinese and Italians, and that has been very calming and relaxing. Doing the sequences under the palm trees next to Roman ruins at dawn with all the different birds flying and chirping is rather a type of meditation. It has helped tremendously.4 -
At nearly 50 I’m in a senior post I’ve worked really hard to achieve with long hours and commute a necessity, I’m still carrying most of the mental load of my small family, I have aging parents and in laws who need increasing support and I’m in perimenopause. My guess is those reasons are my personal source of stress!5
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There's a book about this!:D
With a new awareness, both painful and humorous, I begin to understand why the saints were rarely married women. I am convinced it has nothing inherently to do, as I once supposed, with chastity or children. It has to do primarily with distractions. The bearing, rearing, feeding and educating of children; the running of a house with its thousand details; human relationships with their myriad pulls--woman's normal occupations in general run counter to creative life, or contemplative life, or saintly life. The problem is not merely one of Woman and Career, Woman and the Home, Woman and Independence. It is more basically: how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea5 -
Well, this is interesting. I am 49 and can say, without hesitation, that my 40s have been the best, most relaxing decade of my life. Maybe it's just that my 20s and 30s were so completely exhausting that everything that's hit in the last 9 years has been a breeze by comparison. <shrug>3
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I’ve had stress since 20… do I have more to look forward to? Lol2
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SafariGalNYC wrote: »I’ve had stress since 20… do I have more to look forward to? Lol
i do agree with you 100%1 -
Something else to consider as a possibility is untreated mental health stuff rather than normal life stressors. Over the summer I was diagnosed as bipolar 2 which is a mood disorder where I can swing between hypomanic episodes, stable, and depression or sometimes mixed episodes. I only thought of this when you mentioned sounds of a commercial or your husbands driving giving you stress.
In a normal hypomanic episode I'm pretty much on top of the world and king of my own castle with tremendously brilliant (in my mind) ideas and it is extremely euphoric...but with a mixed hypomanic episode I'm irritable AF. In one such episode I came home and snapped horribly at my wife because I thought the TV was too loud even though it wasn't up any higher than normal...her driving can also make me irate when I'm in such an episode because she has a lead foot...doesn't bother me really under normal circumstances, but when I'm in that mood I can't even be in the car with her driving.
I started noticing things were off in my early 40s, but looking back I can now recognize symptoms even in my early 20s...they just got worse over time without treatment. I've also been in and out of therapy since my early 40s because I just couldn't figure out what was going on. Having my diagnosis at least makes things make sense. In talking with my therapist, there are a lot of people in their 40s who've never been diagnosed because when our age group was younger, MH wasn't something that was taken very seriously unless it was something truly psychotic. For men, statistics are worse because we tend to bottle everything up and don't seek treatment even when we know something is off.6 -
Nah, not for me. I'm totally chill. Maybe at times a bit too much.3
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I feel sometimes it goes deeper than it seems. As women I think, after 40,for many, something significant, in a good way is happening to us and it is on a deeper level and for some (unseen) reason(s)there are forces that wish to suppress how special we truly are.
Hope things improve for you and that you're able to overcome/resolve/find a solution.3 -
https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/11/i-started-to-unravel-why-do-so-many-women-over-40-struggle-with-stressI went from coping with a high-flying job editing ELLE magazine, travelling the world and writing a book, then launching a podcast and co-parenting four children to having panic attacks about the journey to work. I was getting up at 5am to tackle a to-do list I could no longer cope with. This new “incompetence”, as I saw it, was a surprise. It shook my sense of identity.
I really relate to this.
Because I had huge uterine fibroids and was trying to get to menopause without a hysterectomy, I did get FSH hormone testing multiple times. Probably at least 5 times. (It's best to do it at the same point of your cycle each month. I always did it on day 1 or 2. My doctor would put the order in, and I'd get it done the day after I started spotting. )
I was never hormonally in perimenopause. I finally had the hysterectomy last year, kept my ovaries, had hormone testing a month later, and still had the hormone "levels of a young woman." I've never had a hot flash.
I've been working on my sleep hygiene for decades and am sleeping great these days. I take Buspirone and melatonin. Melatonin alone was enough a decade ago.
I don't have children and my mother does not want to be taken care of.
In "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" and the "Wisdom of Menopause" Dr. Christiane Northrup talks about peri and menopause from both a conventional medicine/hormonal perspective and an energetic/psychological/spiritual perspective. As I don't relate to anything in the former category, I suspect my new “incompetence” is driven by something in the latter category. I'll have to revisit these books now that my focus is no longer my uterus.
I'm a veteran and getting a lot of support from the VA. Any fellow female veterans want to talk about veteran-specific resources, send me a friend request.2 -
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SafariGalNYC wrote: »I’ve had stress since 20… do I have more to look forward to? Lol
I am more than double your age. In a way, stress gets worse-and better. The great thing about getting older is that you start caring a LOT less about what people think and/or expect from you. It’s very freeing.
This is my experience anyway.
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So many good recommendations and points. It sounds like I’m not alone, and I’m both relieved and sorry that’s the case. I was diagnosed as high functioning Autistic about 4 years ago, that’s something I’m still wrapping my head around, and now there’s this. But, I’m hopeful it can be managed. I just need to quit pretending it’s going to fix itself. Pet Smart doesn’t deserve all my shenanigans.3
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Lol at, "Pet Smart doesn't deserve all my shenanigans."
I'll just say, sometimes they absolutely do!
Well, maybe not Pet Smart the company, but sometimes there are issues and or poor customer service. The trick is knowing if it's them or if it's me. Sometimes a little Karen is called-for! I've never regretted the times I've stood up for myself with a Customer Service rep who is rude or not willing to do their actual job.
I have to say, it's never happened at Pet Smart, though. Pet Smart is a little slice of Heaven.
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Okay, so update 2 months later. The stress or mood swings, I’m now calling perimenopausal rage. This is the worst feeling. One moment I feel fine. Then, the smallest thing can be said, a completely innocent remark, will feel like an assault and I’ll be furious. Obviously, I can’t show how I feel and don’t. But I’ll have to end the conversation, leave, and spend the next 24-48 hours talking myself through it. I KNOW this isn’t normal for me, or just ordinary stress. This feels completely hormonal. Outside of the mood swings, I have thinning hair, insomnia, skin changes, all the other telltale signs apart from hot flashes.
That being said, I’ve decided to pursue treatment with HRT, progesterone, and DHEA and have an appointment with a doctor who specializes in this. Does anyone have personal experience with these treatments, good or bad?
And since this is a weight-loss website, I should add that despite the bazaar hormones and stress I’m not allowing this to derail my regular diet. That would just add to my anger and frustration… not gonna do it.
For reference, I’m already on Bupropion (Wellbutrin) and that has been a fine treatment for me up up until now. But dang, even I don’t want to hang out with me now 😂.3 -
Okay, so update 2 months later. The stress or mood swings I’m now calling perimenopausal rage. This is the worst feeling. One moment I feel fine. Then, the smallest thing can be said, a completely innocent remark, will feel like an assault and I’ll be furious. Obviously, I can’t show how I feel and don’t. But I’ll have to end the conversation, leave, and spend the next 24-48 hours talking myself through it. I KNOW this isn’t normal for me, or just ordinary stress. This feels completely hormonal. Outside of the mood swings, I have thinning hair, insomnia, skin changes, all the other telltale signs apart from hot flashes.
That being said, I’ve decided to pursue treatment with HRT, progesterone, and DHEA and have an appointment with a doctor who specializes in this. Does anyone have personal experience with these treatments, good or bad?
For reference, I’m already on Bupropion and that has been a fine treatment for me up up until now. Even I don’t want to hang out with me 😂.
Ahhh the rage....I exploded at a Petsmart and was asked to leave. Luckily, I made my apologies and my dog still gets to go to day camp!
HRT is amazing. So amazing. It's like the lights came on. I'm sleeping, I'm calm, I'm not so sore and achy all the time, and it all happened in maybe a week once I started hormones. I'm on the estrogen patch and oral progesterone. We've had to fiddle with the progesterone amount, but that's apparently not awfully unusual. I never intended to white knuckle my way through peri with no meds, but I honestly didn't know what a difference they'd make once I started!0 -
Okay, so update 2 months later. The stress or mood swings I’m now calling perimenopausal rage. This is the worst feeling. One moment I feel fine. Then, the smallest thing can be said, a completely innocent remark, will feel like an assault and I’ll be furious. Obviously, I can’t show how I feel and don’t. But I’ll have to end the conversation, leave, and spend the next 24-48 hours talking myself through it. I KNOW this isn’t normal for me, or just ordinary stress. This feels completely hormonal. Outside of the mood swings, I have thinning hair, insomnia, skin changes, all the other telltale signs apart from hot flashes.
That being said, I’ve decided to pursue treatment with HRT, progesterone, and DHEA and have an appointment with a doctor who specializes in this. Does anyone have personal experience with these treatments, good or bad?
For reference, I’m already on Bupropion and that has been a fine treatment for me up up until now. Even I don’t want to hang out with me 😂.
Ahhh the rage....I exploded at a Petsmart and was asked to leave. Luckily, I made my apologies and my dog still gets to go to day camp!
HRT is amazing. So amazing. It's like the lights came on. I'm sleeping, I'm calm, I'm not so sore and achy all the time, and it all happened in maybe a week once I started hormones. I'm on the estrogen patch and oral progesterone. We've had to fiddle with the progesterone amount, but that's apparently not awfully unusual. I never intended to white knuckle my way through peri with no meds, but I honestly didn't know what a difference they'd make once I started!
I took a HUGE sigh of relief reading this. I’m hoping for the same response to HRT. Just the insanity of it all isn’t worth it. Fortunately an apology can go a long way, but there’s a line when enough is enough or you’re out of places to get your nails done or dog groomed. I’m 42 and it’s odd how little we know or hear about these things.0 -
Received my HRT, progesterone, and DHEA. I’ve slept like a baby for 2 nights. I already feel like a new person, just getting 2 full nights of sleep! I could cry I’m so happy. Anyway, that’s all.5
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One word… MEN!!!
No I’m joking.. definitely get your bloods tested for thyroid issues and hormones.. it could definitely be menopause.2 -
I think the sleep is one of the biggest factors - I personally am crap when my sleep is interrupted and I struggled so much. Just getting some sleep made me able to cope with everything else. I don’t have kids, and can I just say I’ve always thought being a parent looks hard. How people cope with no sleep with babies is beyond me!Received my HRT, progesterone, and DHEA. I’ve slept like a baby for 2 nights. I already feel like a new person, just getting 2 full nights of sleep! I could cry I’m so happy. Anyway, that’s all.
So glad you’re benefiting 😀 I know HRT isn’t for everyone but when it helps - it’s awesome!
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Latest irony of peri—-I started HRT because I could t sleep. We’ve had to increase my progesterone, which is sedating. I overslept and missed a work meeting, which has NEVER happened in my career! So now I take my meds right after dinner so I can wake up on time. Makes it easy to avoid nighttime snacking, I suppose! I didn’t intend to flip the script entirely….2
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Received my HRT, progesterone, and DHEA. I’ve slept like a baby for 2 nights. I already feel like a new person, just getting 2 full nights of sleep! I could cry I’m so happy. Anyway, that’s all.
Hooray! So happy for you
Prometrium, a bio-identical progesterone, helped me sleep better but not a more standard one, whose name escapes me. However, during that time there was a wood stove on the floor below, and it was consistently too hot
(I was taking this for my uterus, not traditional HRT.)1 -
Well, I jumped the gun slightly. I woke up at 2:30 and stayed awake until around 6:30-7am.
I’ll keep an eye on it and if nothing changes I may need to up the progesterone slightly, but so far I’m still doing better than before. Good tip on taking it after dinner if I need to increase the dosage. I can’t be the boss of my company and miss meetings, not a good look 😂.
Thanks everyone for all the feedback, it’s nice to have some training wheels through all of this.2 -
I must commend you on dealing with so much and still managing to track your meals and try to stay on track. That's impressive!!!
And lol @ I don't want to hang out with me now
Hang in there, glad things are improving for you 😊1 -
Informative post and thread/responses!
I'm in my mid forties (smack in the middle at 45), ADHD (not formally diagnosed, but not interested in fighting through figuring out meds since most of my work-arounds are well established by now), and on Mirena.
There were several things mentioned in the article that have been a struggle - when the stress gets "extra" I find myself going into "shut down" mode far quicker than I used to. The tinnitus has been special too, although I have good reasons to suffer from that. Little things will set me off, even when I've not had a bad day (such as my teenage puppy having his usual teenage moment, and my tolerance is not where it ought to be).
Life has been pretty high stress for me since 2018/19, with moments of calm in there, but looming big stressors on the horizon. Before that of course it was stressful but it was - steadier stress I guess. Now, it goes to extremes. A combination of my own life changing; world events that had personal deep impact; and then just "life shitake" that many have faced (such as layoffs and financial implications).
I've mostly blamed it on the ADHD and all the life junk that I've been slammed with. I have moments of great calm, and have improved my BP by a lot (still improvement to be made though). I'm reaching goals and starting to see some small steps towards being successful in things that matter deeply to me. It's not like it's been all bad.....
....so hard to say where it all lands, and with the prices of healthcare these days, chasing things from that perspective is pretty out of reach when you can mostly function through life.3 -
Well, I jumped the gun slightly. I woke up at 2:30 and stayed awake until around 6:30-7am.
I’ll keep an eye on it and if nothing changes I may need to up the progesterone slightly, but so far I’m still doing better than before. Good tip on taking it after dinner if I need to increase the dosage. I can’t be the boss of my company and miss meetings, not a good look 😂.
Thanks everyone for all the feedback, it’s nice to have some training wheels through all of this.
There are so many things on my sleep hygiene checklist and I have to do all of them, every night. I'll give you the highlights:
1. Stop drinking caffeinated beverages in the afternoon.
2. Have just a small amount of fluid with dinner, and no more after that.
3. Evening stretching/yoga for at least 20 minutes, and preferably 45 minutes. I skipped this to my detriment last week.
4. I finally found a med that helps me sleep but does not increase my appetite - Buspirone, for anxiety. Remeron and Gabapentin both increased my appetite >.<
5. Room temperature - too hot and I have "vivid dreams" aka nightmares.
6. Be really disciplined about getting to bed on time.
7. I read to fall asleep and to get back to sleep. The back to sleep book has to be a reread, and just engaging enough but not a page turner.
Ok, I'll stop now
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NotGvnUp_EJ wrote: »I must commend you on dealing with so much and still managing to track your meals and try to stay on track. That's impressive!!!
And lol @ I don't want to hang out with me now
Hang in there, glad things are improving for you 😊
It’s stress management for me all day everyday now lol! The last thing I need to do is compound the stress and agony with backtracking 20+ lbs. I’d be gutted. It’s the one thing I feel like I understand and can control. A happy place if you will ☺️.
Wow… I’ve changed.3 -
HoneyBadger302 wrote: »Informative post and thread/responses!
I'm in my mid forties (smack in the middle at 45), ADHD (not formally diagnosed, but not interested in fighting through figuring out meds since most of my work-arounds are well established by now), and on Mirena.
There were several things mentioned in the article that have been a struggle - when the stress gets "extra" I find myself going into "shut down" mode far quicker than I used to. The tinnitus has been special too, although I have good reasons to suffer from that. Little things will set me off, even when I've not had a bad day (such as my teenage puppy having his usual teenage moment, and my tolerance is not where it ought to be).
Life has been pretty high stress for me since 2018/19, with moments of calm in there, but looming big stressors on the horizon. Before that of course it was stressful but it was - steadier stress I guess. Now, it goes to extremes. A combination of my own life changing; world events that had personal deep impact; and then just "life shitake" that many have faced (such as layoffs and financial implications).
I've mostly blamed it on the ADHD and all the life junk that I've been slammed with. I have moments of great calm, and have improved my BP by a lot (still improvement to be made though). I'm reaching goals and starting to see some small steps towards being successful in things that matter deeply to me. It's not like it's been all bad.....
....so hard to say where it all lands, and with the prices of healthcare these days, chasing things from that perspective is pretty out of reach when you can mostly function through life.
I know I don’t have the capacity to provide the perfect advice but I will say with 100% certainty that you’re not alone. Don’t take all the struggles lying down though. There are options, whether it be therapy, HRT, relationship changes (for some- you never know), a better diet, sleep, there’s so many variables. I’m grateful for the insight I’ve received here that’s lead me to find the answer that works for me. I bet you will be too.2
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