Do your relatives try to undermine you?

plantgrrl · September 2011

One of the reasons I want to be a healthy weight is that obesity is a problem in my family. Currently, all of the women in my immediate family are morbidly obese (I'm only "overweight" right now, but I was "obese" for a couple years). The women in my mom's family have some serious weight problems too. Genetics and poor diet habits together. Also, Type 2 and a string of other badness is there as well. So I want to try to maintain a healthy BMI for those reasons AND because it helps me feel good inside and out.

My sister, who is obese, keeps telling my mom she "thinks I'm anorexic." Because I have MFP tethered to my facebook. I am not, but she thinks because I *jog* and it shows up on FB that I'm anorexic...she also thinks I "want everyone else to be anorexic too" because I had my mom (who is morbidly obese and willing to try it) come to Weight Watchers meetings with me 2 years ago (I paid for it); and because I gave the extra pedometer I had to our other sister, when she said she was interested. Do I attempt to push them a little to take care of themselves because I love them? Yes. Am I a zealous advocate for taking baby steps to improve the quality of life/food/exercise of those I hold dear? Also, yes. But, I've never talked to her about fitness/food stuff, because via comments she's made over time, I know she's not interested. I care about how she feels about herself (I know she has a *very* low self esteem and I get that's why she acts like this) and I wouldn't suggest an exercise or program to her, because I know it would point out to her one of the things I know she dislikes about herself.

*BUT* Now that I'm on a healthier path, and my mother (who she lives with with her kids) is working on her fitness at the YMCA, I find it VERY frustrating that she's constantly saying things like this and making comments to mom about how she "should eat more" and "doesn't need to go to the gym" that she's "trying to kill herself" with the exercise. "That I'm a bad influence" or some sh* like that. I can take it, but I don't think she should be trying to undermine mom's fitness; Mom has a myriad of health problems, some of which could be eased by taking off some weight, esp. since she's been Severely Obese for over half her life now.

How do you deal with your lovely under-miners?

99Tinkerbell · September 2011

Wow that's a tough one. It's a :bigsmile: shame she won't join in. All you can do is constantly support your mom and keep her going. Does she belong to MFP tell her to join she'll find a lot people in her shape and be able to talk to them. I find this is an unbelievable motivator for me. I'm obese also doing it for myself and my handicapped children

Pinnagerjaggin · September 2011

That sounds awful. Luckily my family and I are on the same page and we're all trying to better ourselves. It definately makes it easier. My mom always tells me about the weight she's lost.

Personally, if I had a sister like that I would tell her to shove it and go about my business. But I tend to be less forgiving about stuff like that.

ChristineMarie89 · September 2011

ignore em yea i know its terribly hard i live with my mom and she is my under-miner. theres always something wrong with something but u cant fix them al there is is to ignore the rude comments

mitchipooo · September 2011

It's taken me a LONG time to come to grips with my family, in particular my mom, she's a size 10 and has never had any weight issues. Both my sisters and I and my dad are overweight, I have been a chunky monkey since I was a child. I've finally stopped sharing my achievements with my mom, she has never been able to give a pure compliment, it's always been well that's great that you've lost five pounds, just keep it up you have so many more to lose. She's never said you look good today or you're pretty, it's always been...you could be so pretty if you just lose the weight. There's always a good for you with a kick in the teeth attached. It's taken 36 years but I finally come to the realization that whatever I do I have to do it for myself, not in a desperate search for a kudo or compliment that's never going to come. I'll always love my mom, but she's definitely sabotaged my weightloss up to this point, I would get to a point where I would feel so defeated not being able to make her proud that I'd give up with a bag of chips or a box of chocolates. I have some good friends who are incredibly supportive and love me for who I am, with their support and this amazing community I've found on MFP are getting me on the right track. It's hard to step back from family, the ties that bind, but sometimes we don't need to cut free, just loosen the bonds and let some positive people into our lives.

ashlenz · September 2011

I have some family that try to do the same thing to me. They think that i am obsessed with logging calories, and that i am starving my body and that i need more fat on my body. A lot of my immediate family is very competitive, so my cousins tend to try to put me down and criticize what I'm doing. I just look the other way. My aunt is type 2 and i tried to encourage her to join MFP and she said that it was all about people logging about how they are starving themselves. Some people are just misinformed or are just shut off to any healthy change.
I wish i had some great advice for you but i just wanted to let you know you're not alone with this. Just maybe speak with your mom and teach her about how this is helping rather than hurting her, that way she won't be phased by your sisters "influence".
Best of luck

anu_6986 · September 2011

That's awful... I just hope your Mom keeps going and not listen to your sister.. My family is fine, except for my grandparents. The last time I visited them I had lost 9kilos and was looking a lot better. They would not admit it, and said that I looked awful and had gained weight and were asking me to stop exercising. Huh.. You can't help some people.

Just keep doing what you do, maybe when she sees the changes in you she would also be motivated.

zeeeb · September 2011

I really think you need to say something to her.

Fine, she can do what she wants to herself, and if she doesn't want anyone encouraging her, fine. But when she is trying to sabotage your (and her) mum and sisters, that's just wrong. Tell her that you are not anorexic, that you are fit and healthy, you eat plenty and your health is good. She needed worry or gossip about you because you know that your health is doing A-OK. But sabotaging your other family members health beacuse of her insecurities is not on. Tell her that if they want to lose a bit of weight and gain a bit of fitness that they shouldn't have people who supposedly love them, trying to sabotage them. It's not fair.

If she hasn't got anything positive or encouraging to say to you and your mum and sister, she should really try to keep her mouth shut about it.

I know she'll hate it, but she needs to hear it. people should be encouraging, or say nothing, simple as that.

SueInAz · September 2011

I think the first thing I'd do is to tell your sister to actually look up the definition of "anorexic". I've studied it quite a bit over the years and you obviously don't fit the mold. I'd also tell her to stop throwing around terms she doesn't understand just because your, and your mom's, drive to better yourselves threatens her. But that's just me.

Seriously, though, you might need to say something pretty harsh to stop her in her tracks. She shouldn't be allowed to sabotage what you or your mom are trying to do.

I'd also sit down and have a heart to heart with your mom. Remind her that she's doing this to better her health and increase her lifespan. I'm sure she wants to be around for her grandkids and maybe even their kids. By losing weight and increasing her physical activity she'll not only increase her quality of life now but ensure herself a better future. You might also ask her opinion why she thinks your sister is behaving the way she is. Understanding your sister's motivations should help to keep any influence she might have to a minimum.

plantgrrl · September 2011

Thanks everyone. Yeah...I know there isn't really a way to stop her, but it was good to hear from other people with the same issues.

I have asked my mom to join MFP. She did, but she's lost her password and "can't figure out how to get on." She isn't very good at computers and wasn't the best at logging when she was on WW. I told her she could start out making friends and using the forums and logging exercise and come to logging food later if she wants, but that it was an awesome support system. We'll see if I can get her into it. For now I'm just glad she's going to the Y and has finally gotten a C-PAP for her apnea (one of "the worst cases" her doc at the sleep clinic had seen in a while they said her sleep was interrupted approx "32x per hour" Yikes!).

I've talked to her about it before actually. I've tried logic--"define anorexia for me? Do I fit that pattern? No." I've tried scoffing, yelling (never got anywhere with her before). Like I said, she has a crushingly low self-esteem, which is why it's impossible for her to want someone else to do something good she feels she is incapable of. Now we roll our eyes...and write forum posts! I think mom can take it. But she's weak around food, and if sis makes something for her, she feels she has to eat it to be nice and because it's easier. I just hope sis's comments aren't bringing her down too much. Did I mention sis' is at best, a massive fan of exaggeration and at worst, a compulsive liar with a touch of bi-polar/paranoia? ...Anywho...glad to know I'm not alone here. I just wish she would stop. Thanks for listening Pals!

Do your relatives try to undermine you?

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