Dr. Phil was Right!

After years of being overweight, struggling with my own body image; hating the way I look and feeling hopeless, I finally got it. Years ago, I read one of Dr. Phil's books. In it he said, "Once you figure out what you have to gain by being overweight, you will begin to lose the weight.” His instructions were to put the book down and figure out what "it" is. Then come back to the book.

Well, that was 5 years ago. I never picked the book up again. What on earth could I gain by being fat? I was devastated by the simple thought that I could be causing my own obesity. I thought it was something that "happened" to me. I mean I know that I was the one buying and consuming the food, but I felt helpless against my own will. I never blamed anyone, especially myself.

I was at a loss. I examined my life with a life size magnifying glass. I scrutinized every bad habit I had, searching for the answer. Still thinking Dr. Phil had to be wrong. Surely, this was genetic. Surely, it was my upbringing. No way was this my doing!

Well, I managed to stop biting my nails. Stop my sailor cringing, swearing ways. I stopped being so bossy, I conquered many of my fears. But I didn't find any insight into my obesity. Then it happened. A life altering event. I discovered that I perpetuated my own eczema. After 20 years of suffering from a small patch of eczema, a doctor said something simple, “just don't touch it.”

How cruel! I have tried everything, ointments, treatments, herbal remedies, I had suffered flair ups and mishaps, and this was my cross to bare. Emphasis on “my”. I owned it, I tried everything and was defeated, now it was mine. How could he say, “just don't touch it.”

I didn't believe him either but I tried it and it worked. I had been making it worse all those years. I was perpetuating my own suffering. My never ending search for the cure had made my condition worse. “Just don't touch it.” was right and I was wrong.

One eye open!

I was wrong. How humbling can it be to realize that all of my suffering, I caused. Me. I did it. That bares repeating. I caused my own suffering. So what else was I causing?

Ok, ok I can be the cause of my own suffering. Dr. Phil, I'm peaking around the corner. Maybe he's not so crazy.

Then one day, I am watching tv. It's a Christmas episode and the wife is running around the house frantically barking orders, listing all the things she has to do before Christmas dinner. Next family arrives, children running and playing, ladies cooking in the kitchen, men getting drinks in the den. The call to come to dinner is made. Next we see the whole happy family sitting around the table, grace is said, and food is passed. How perfect. I'm all in. It made me homesick. Next there is a family emergency, the phone rings, panic strikes and chaos kicks in. Still I'm all in. The scene is very familiar. But the next scene, blows me away, instead of sitting back down to dinner, life goes on.

“What about the food?” I yell at the tv. All that food... It's Christmas dinner! All that work. I'm physically upset. “What about dinner?” Suddenly I'm out. This show has made me angry. Why am I angry? There is something here. There is something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with the tv program. There is something wrong with my thinking. People don't value food like I do. I have witnessed this before, but I didn't know what it meant. I'm not only different, I'm wrong.

Wrong about food and what it means. That is it Dr. Phil, food means something to me. It's not just nourishment, it's what? For the answer I had to do more soul searching. To this tv family the Christmas dinner was just a part of the holiday. It was just something they had to do. Once dinner was over, it was over. It didn't mean anything to them, or to the writers or director but it meant something to me. Why did it bother me so much?

I didn't speak to any one for days. What does food mean to me?

I went back to my roots. I'm a mixture of Irish and Welsh and a product of humble beginnings. I was raised on meat and potatoes and whiskey. In my family, you are either eating or drinking or both. Alcoholism and obesity are the norm in my family. But I have always looked at the way I was raised, and it didn't solve anything, Dr. Phil.

My mom was the worst when it came to food. Got a boo boo? Here's candy. Get into an argument, go out to dinner. Celebrate a victory, go buy ice cream. Feel bad about yourself, there's donuts under the car seat. Worst of all, feeling depressed? There's a special hiding place in mama's dresser where she hides the happy pills. Food meant everything to mama and mama never weighed less than 250 lbs.

I have known this. I have been fighting this my entire life. I could have been an alcoholic by the ripe old age of 13. I have been heavy and I have been thin. I know how to lose weight and I have lost 60-70 lbs three different times in my life but the weight still keeps creeping back on. The question is why. Why would I let myself be obese?

I didn't get it until I saw a family where food didn't have a special meaning. OK. Here's the light bulb, Oprah's aha moment. Food was my mom's love. But, Mom's not here feeding me, I am. I am loving myself. Food is my messed up way of showing mom's love to me.

Let that set for a minute. I am loving myself with food. Mom's not here, I am. Mom was wrong and so am I. Dr. Phil, what I got from food was a mother's love.

A life Altering Moment

I don't need to love myself with food. I already have my mom's love. I love me. I don't need food to show it like she did. I can handle boo boos, arguments, victories and failures. I taught myself how to handle a crisis. Stress is not a problem for me. So why overeat?

No reason. I started dieting 6 weeks ago and I have lost 16 lbs so far. I started at 269 lbs. and 253 lbs now. Dr Phil intimated that the weight would fall off and it has so far. I feel so much better, like the burden of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

It feels like a skeleton key has been turned and a heavy, squeaky oak door has opened to the rest of my life. I stand before it, humbled by my own ignorance, and looking forward to beginning my new, thinner life.

Thanks Dr. Phil!