Just Friends with Food, Lovers NO MORE

The TV is in sleep mode and the only sound is coming from the ceiling fan above me, whoosh whoosh. The clock sails past 4:00 AM, as I lay in bed longing to be rescued by sleep that simply won't come. My mind is racing as it accepts the change that happened this weekend, my relationship with food has changed from lover to just friends. As with any breakup, this one comes with some a lot pain. My stomach has been hurting for hours and the pain is a reminder, I am doing the right thing. This after all is my longest relationship, although as toxic as it maybe, any change is difficult.

Labor Day 2011 started with excitement and hope, little did I realize it would mark the biggest psychological change with my journey to lose weight and change my life. I went out to a nice restaurant on Friday, and I had prepared for this dinner by saving calories during the day. I ordered an appetizer of mussels, that were fabulous, but I realized as I gobbled all them down including all the bread on the table, I was probably too hungry. My entree hit the table with a thud, posh meatloaf and mashed potatoes! My stomach was actually full, but my lover was telling me to eat. Every bite was justified because I didn't eat that much during the day. Fast forward one hour and I am sitting at a bar, trying to have a good time, but I am so full I want to die. The cracks in my toxic food relationship have been surfacing,as I have lost this first 60 pounds, but Friday night was the first public blow-up. I laid down the law, no more appetizers and an entree, one or the other. I simply don't want to feel like this ever again.

With Friday night still very fresh in my mind, I enjoyed a great morning with friends and very successfully navigated a mine-field of a lunch. My lover was growing disillusioned and was happy when I ended up at Macaroni Grill the next day. He tried to seduce me with my favorite outfit, warm bread and butter! I did give into some temptation, but still felt sensible. The final blow came later that night. I was on my way home and was craving BBQ for weeks and wanted to get some dinner. My actual friend and I pulled into a place and ordered a meal, but with NO appetizer. As soon as the plate hit the table, I knew it was officially over; six months ago I would have eaten every bite on that plate and not blinked. Part of me wanted to run, but with so much history, so much time invested into this relationship, I stayed. I only ate one rib, some chicken and the mac & cheese (of course), but I wasn't happy or fulfilled. I decided to break the news right then and there, my life is different and I have enjoyed our years together, but from today forward we're only FRIENDS. I won't love you the way I did anymore. I am sure we will still "hook-up" every once in awhile, especially when I am seduced with warm bread and butter, but meals like that one in front of me, God willing will be forever in my past