Don't want to feel guilty about this...

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Johnnyswife
Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
in Chit-Chat
Okay, I could have sworn I posted about this before, but I can't find it anywhere. Long story short, my friend from NC got married to my husband's friend here in Cali. She met him while visiting us nearly two years ago. My husband and I played matchmaker and sort of set them up on two different dates and now here they are newlyweds.

The issue is that neither of them bothered to keep us in the loop or even really talk to us about anything. I didn't feel like she owed me anything, but a phone call saying, "Hey, he popped the question!", would have been nice, but that didn't happen. We got an invite to the wedding in NC and while we couldn't afford to go, we did send a gift.( Oh..and someone here had a shower for them, and we didn't get invited to that either.. :()

They called my husband yesterday and asked him to help them move. He did help them today and was there all day, while I was at work. He told me that my "friend" has to clean out the old home tommorow on her own. She was sick with a migraine for two days and her husband has to work so its on her to clean out the old place.

I am now feeling bad, cause when my husband told me that, I said there was no way I would help her clean since she really left me out of everything up till now, and when the chips are down, they want us to help them do the grunt work. As soon as I said that, I felt bad, as if I was acting like a spoiled baby.

To top it off, aside from being sick, he told me that the place was so disgusting and dirty, and that her husband had snapped at her a few times, and she at him. They are already having mini fights, one week into being married. I do know that with moving, comes stress, and that some bickering is to be expected, but its adding to my guilt and pulling at my heartstrings. She is alone here with just her husband and no other family and starting over like I did 4 years ago.

What would you do? Do I give up my day off and offer to help her clean? Do I pretend she's not here and spend the day with my husband? I feel like I don't want to help out, and at the same time, I want to be there for her if she needs me. Am I a bad person if I don't go? My husband said it was up to me to decide....

Should I go? Should I not go? Help... :(
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Replies

  • grobbygru
    grobbygru Posts: 295 Member
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    I pretend they weren't there - sounds like spoilt gen Y behaviour to me. They need a few wake up calls - like having to deal with life.
  • SweetProgression
    SweetProgression Posts: 65 Member
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    I'd help--- Plus the time alone would give YOU time to pop the question about why or how you two disconnected
    be kind yet real. If I didn't move to a whole new state for my guy I probably wouldn't say you should but it's so lonely and I'd hate for her to feel that way.
  • Misiaxcore
    Misiaxcore Posts: 659 Member
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    I love to help my friends when they need it, but friendship is a two way street. I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore so I wouldn't help if they were like that to me.
  • aaleigha1
    aaleigha1 Posts: 408 Member
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    myself I would NOT give up my day off with only a days notice
    afterall on my days off I have plans

    today for me being Sunday is FAMILY day my grown children often just pop in with their friends - we have always had an open house policy on a Sunday and everyone knows if you are here you will get fed - so I would not be able to cancel that with a days notice

    I am sure you have plans - they might be slightly more flexible than mine

    how about phoning her to say you cant help sorry but you have plans and will pop in later in the day - that way you can help just for maybe the last hour

    and why cant all the friends who organised their shower go help them
  • ╰☆╮PilatesPOPster╰☆╮
    ╰☆╮PilatesPOPster╰☆╮ Posts: 198
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    I'd help...
    She's your friend! Don't ditch her just because she didn't keep you in the loop all the way! wedding planning is busy and hectic enough. maybe it just slipped her mind?
  • missjessica83
    missjessica83 Posts: 64
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    Whatever you decide to do is absolutely your right and decision so throw the guilt out....easy to say i know!! Whatever's gone on before she was your friend and she needs your help hey its just one day but dont do it if you feel sorry for her or you think that her relationship is struggling because all kinds of people have all kinds of relationships that work for them and if there's 'conditions' on your friendship based on how happy she is then you're going to come into problems somewhere down the line.

    When faced with a tough decision the old advice is the best do unto others as you would have done to you (and apparently this means where possible not getting upset when other people dont follow this advice and then want your help!) Its not easy i do really appreciate that. If its just one day it might be good and help get your relationship back on track and if not you'll be able to turn away from the friendship for the time being without wondering if there was more you could do.

    Also if youre just going to feel bad the whole day with your husband thinking you should be there its a pointless exercise. If however there's more thats gone on and you feel taken advantage of this person and have no desire to continue the friendship then this could be an important time to show her your time and attention is valuable and not to be taken for granted.

    Sorry probably didnt make things much clearer but whatever you decide dont feel bad! Your feelings and opinions have value whatever they are :)
  • Hernandezedw
    Hernandezedw Posts: 284
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    I find the more often I help someone, the more they take advantage.
  • Hernandezedw
    Hernandezedw Posts: 284
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    do unto others as you would have done to you

    Not something you should quote. Some people like to be physically abused. They thrive on pain. Does this mean they should hit others?
  • Ireshgurl
    Ireshgurl Posts: 559
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    No way, no how, nuh huh. Friendship is like marriage, as i told a girlfriend the other day. It's 50/50 and there needs to be communication on both sides. She hasn't been communicating with you about ANYTHING except when she needs help. I'm sorry, yes, planning a wedding can get hectic, but that doesn't mean she couldn't find a few minutes out of a day or two to give ya a ring and keep you informed of the fact that their relationship was getting better and he finally popped the question. Not if she's a good friend, sorry no excuses for this one. I definately would not help. I feel like if you did, your just signing yourself up for being a "convienance" friend. There is no "last minute" anything when it comes to friendship. You know about that kind of stuff in advance. I mean seriously, how long did they know they were gonna be moving out?? They coulda started cleanin while they were packing. She does have other friends.... like the ones that were invited to her party.... let her call them. And you shouldn't feel guilty at all. They got themselves into that spot, they can get themselves out.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    There are acquaintances (MANY), then there are casual friends (NOT SO MANY), then there are very close friends (VERY FEW). You have to decide which one you are, and act accordingly. If you are a good friend, then act like one. A true friendship SHOULD be way more resilient.

    I could understand if she was not only your friend but she was your BEST friend. You know, the kind of friend you did EVERYTHING with. A new relationship in the mix will change the dynamics of your friendship some. It happens. It doesn't mean they love you any less, it just means they love someone else too. If you KNOW her at all, do you think she would be the kind of person who would just coldly dump YOU like that .. or would she be there to help you in your time of need? What kind of friend has she been to you in the past?

    If you are going to cut her (or them) off because they didn't involve you in their glory right away, then perhaps the category you fit into is more of a casual nature. To tell you the truth, it's a little juvenile. Real friends - true friends, don't do that Real friends would be happy for the newly committed couple with no strings attached.

    There is however, a thing called communication. If you've got something to say .. say it to THEM (or even just to HER) .. and deal with it. Once you decide to harbour a grudge over something so trivial, then you are really not 'true friends' at all, and maybe more like acquaintances because it is much easier to just cut them off. If you were offended .. say so. Don't think just because you're friends, they are going to be involving you in EVERYTHING they do in the moment they do it. Not going to happen by the sounds of it. THAT is no reason to right off what you considered a good friend.

    Be happy for them. Be happy to get an invitation to the celebrations. Be happy they will continue to be long term friends. Casual friends come a dime a dozen .. But, true friends are worth their weight in gold.

    Sure friendships can be like a marriage.50/50. But, when someone is offended .. they speak up, and work it out. They don't just file for divorce!
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
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    If you are going to cut her (or them) off because they didn't involve you in their glory right away, then perhaps the category you fit into is more of a casual nature. To tell you the truth, it's a little juvenile. Real friends - true friends, don't do that Real friends would be happy for the newly committed couple with no strings attached.
    See this is what I don't want to be like. It's not just just that I feel left out though. I've texted her and called her and she won't return my calls or texts and its sort of sudden. This concerns me and makes me wonder what happened...

    I think I'll call today with an offer, but if she chooses to ignore me today, than the ball will be in her court.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    If you are going to cut her (or them) off because they didn't involve you in their glory right away, then perhaps the category you fit into is more of a casual nature. To tell you the truth, it's a little juvenile. Real friends - true friends, don't do that Real friends would be happy for the newly committed couple with no strings attached.
    See this is what I don't want to be like. It's not just just that I feel left out though. I've texted her and called her and she won't return my calls or texts and its sort of sudden. This concerns me and makes me wonder what happened...

    I think I'll call today with an offer, but if she chooses to ignore me today, than the ball will be in her court.

    Now THAT's what I'm talk'n about! Good idea! If you are feeling 'avoided' .. no one can explain it better than she. THere may be a simple explanation like her phone is kaflooey, or something. You have to talk, then you'll know what's up.
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,455 Member
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    If you are going to cut her (or them) off because they didn't involve you in their glory right away, then perhaps the category you fit into is more of a casual nature. To tell you the truth, it's a little juvenile. Real friends - true friends, don't do that Real friends would be happy for the newly committed couple with no strings attached.
    See this is what I don't want to be like. It's not just just that I feel left out though. I've texted her and called her and she won't return my calls or texts and its sort of sudden. This concerns me and makes me wonder what happened...

    I think I'll call today with an offer, but if she chooses to ignore me today, than the ball will be in her court.

    Now THAT's what I'm talk'n about! Good idea! If you are feeling 'avoided' .. no one can explain it better than she. THere may be a simple explanation like her phone is kaflooey, or something. You have to talk, then you'll know what's up.

    Yep, all this. Id call and offer the help. Do so with no expectations of what it means or where it will take your friendship.
  • MIMITIME
    MIMITIME Posts: 405 Member
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    Looks like so far she has not ask you to help. If the place is disgusting like your husband said, she may not want you to see it. If she ask you directly to help, maybe you can help. If she does not ask your to help, I would not worry about it.
  • DiabeticAlien
    DiabeticAlien Posts: 240 Member
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    I pretend they weren't there - sounds like spoilt gen Y behaviour to me. They need a few wake up calls - like having to deal with life.

    This!! Sounds like the kind of friend that only wants to have something to do with you when you have something they need. I used to have friends like that...kicked them to the curb and much happier about it.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    I pretend they weren't there - sounds like spoilt gen Y behaviour to me. They need a few wake up calls - like having to deal with life.

    This!! Sounds like the kind of friend that only wants to have something to do with you when you have something they need. I used to have friends like that...kicked them to the curb and much happier about it.

    Let's not forget the OP's friend did not ask for help to clean. Our OP's husband was the one who mentioned it. That hardly constitutes someone who 'only wants you when you have something they need '. There is more to the story than that.
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
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    Just offered by text to let her borrow my carpet cleaner. If she doesn't respond within a few hours, my husband will make the same offer to his friend. If they accept, I'll offer to bring it over and help her clean. :flowerforyou:
  • shorty458
    shorty458 Posts: 163 Member
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    There was this expression I heard one time, "People need the help the most when they appear to deserve it the lease." (or something like that)

    She might have not thought about calling you when they got engaged due to other stuff happening, but now she needs your help though. If I could help a friend in that situation, I would. The past is the past for a reason. Don't let that influence your decision.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    Just offered by text to let her borrow my carpet cleaner. If she doesn't respond within a few hours, my husband will make the same offer to his friend. If they accept, I'll offer to bring it over and help her clean. :flowerforyou:

    Good for you .. Now THAT's what a friend would do...orrrr you can go over there, with all the neccessary equipment that might help the task at hand, and a tray of Takeout coffee .. and see what happens next.

    I am still curious as to why she hasn't returned your call. JUST curious ... Just say''n.
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
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    Just offered by text to let her borrow my carpet cleaner. If she doesn't respond within a few hours, my husband will make the same offer to his friend. If they accept, I'll offer to bring it over and help her clean. :flowerforyou:

    Good for you .. Now THAT's what a friend would do...orrrr you can go over there, with all the neccessary equipment that might help the task at hand, and a tray of Takeout coffee .. and see what happens next.

    I am still curious as to why she hasn't returned your call. JUST curious ... Just say''n.
    She had her number changed when she moved here. Just got it from her husband. Gonna call her now, but I wanted to say thanks for your insight and advice. :flowerforyou:

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