Advice needed from both sexes... especially men and women!!

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canamoc
canamoc Posts: 16 Member
in Chit-Chat
So I don't normally post on here, I spend my whole time creeping really, apologies for that, maybe after this post I will become addicted to airing my problems online!!

So I'll make this as short as possible, I just need some advice on my situation really.......

I am recently separated ( 2 months) from my husband whom I had been with for 10 years. At the time it seemed like it was a mutual decision, we have (or maybe just me) been unhappy for a LONG time and just dragging it out and hoping for a change cos' we have 2 young children. Anyways, after many splits I finally did it for good about 2 months ago and I don't regret it for a minute. I know, though it's not been easy in many ways that this was the right thing to do and I should have done it a long time ago. He on the other hand has not had such an easy time of it and has gone through various emotions... but we are moving on.

Anyways, there is this friend of mine (a guy) that I have known for 8 years, with some periods of time that we didn't talk too much but have always been friends. Over the last 1.5 years we have become closer friends again and he would come over sometimes and hang out with my husband and I and my brother (as he is also his friend). Before my husband and I broke up he made comment about how him and I should have gotten together and gotten married..... I was kinda shocked and questioned were he serious and turns out he was.... which lead me to admit that back before I got married I too had feelings for him but I was engaged and he had a girlfriend so nothing was ever voiced. (FYI... he is currently single, never been married or anything). So then I admitted that I kinda did still have some feelings for him and always had because with him everything is just soooo easy.....

Then I broke up with my husband.... and I told this guy.... and we talked........ and we touched on 'us' and if there was any future for us eventually, other than friends. He agreed that he thought there was but with everything going on that we should really just take it slow and see what happens, cos we also don't want to lose out friendship. So then we started talking on phone every night (we had already been texting all day, way before my husband and I split) and when I say talking, some times it would be 8 hours.... but normally around 4-5 hours. EVERY NIGHT. And we hung out every Saturday, movie, drinks, he came with me to get tattooed and a piercing done...... he came with me and my kids to a theme park......

Sorry, trying to shorten it.....

We have talked sometimes about 'us' and decided we are in a grey area and we have to take it slow... he is having a hard time with the fact that he knew my ex, though not really 'friends' that I am moving from being a friend to something more, that he was not wanting to be in a relationship, but is open to it with me, that he is friends with my brother, that I come with 2 kids, when he never thought he would date someone with kids..... and so on...... Then about 3 weeks ago we were both a little drunk and we ended up kissing.... a lot.... you know how that goes... no explanation needed!!!! Afterwards we agreed twas great and there was no awkwardness or anything.... we have continued to talk every day for hours, text all day, and hang out every Saturday night (it's the night my ex takes the kids). But there has been no more of the good stuff ;-( When I am a little drunk I will ask him about this and he says it's complicated and he doesn't like to talk about it and that I need more time (though I checked out of my marriage a long time ago and had already accomplished closure from that) and that he is scared to lose me as a friend..... yadda, yadda.....

Last night we were out and having a great time as we always do..... end of night comes, I am driving so I drop him home..... there is a brief awkward 'air' and then he gets out and I speed off..... pissed right off....... no lip action..... wtf? sometimes I feel like he wants to and he knows damn well I want to, but sadly without the fuel of alcohol I will not be the first move maker..... and he just seems shy, which is ridiculous as we have talked and talked about everything......

So I am FED up and so unsure as to what is going on...... he fully admits that there is 'something' between us, and that he wants to see what happens for us, but that he is scared to lose me as a friend as he has no contact at all with his exes.... where as I am cool with mine....... I am confused and a little heart broken and the ego is a little bruised in all this. I know I was looking good last night, there was another guy almost trying to hit on me and 'my' guy was very concerned and jealous.... and 'my' guy is always complimenting me on everything about me, from what I can gather he thinks I'm the next best thing to sliced bread!!! But..... no friggin action...... WTF???

So any and all advice is appreciated, have you been in similar? Are you a guy who can shed some light on situation....... are you a woman who is doing this right now?

Sorry for this to be so long, man writing this out was a bit of a bore so I'm sure reading it will be too....... yawn!! Oh and before anyone mentions my 'ex' yes, it may have been a short time since we split, but I really did reconcile my feelings a long time ago regarding him, It has been over for me for a long time and I was just going through the motions..... and 'my' guy knows this.... although last night he passed comment on the fact that no separation agreement has been signed..... hmmmmmmm, only cos' we are amicable and I haven't wanted to upset my ex anymore, could that be a reason? Anywaysssssss

Many thanks!!!
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Replies

  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
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    I'm going to come back and answer this when I'm not on a bike at the gym. I think my life situations can me give you some good advice.
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
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    i think hes trying to be respectful of u! maybe u should be a bit more forward...kinda set the stage like leave lingerie on ur bed and go, "come in" and then lay in bed with him to watch a movie or something XD maybe touch his hand first >_< gawsh its hard i know, but just grab his hand and say, "AFAFAFE!!!!" his name. Then he will be like, "Huh?! huh?!" and u will be like, "Um...UM!" and then look at him with lust and try and make ur eyes sparkle >_< If that doesnt get you a kiss at the end of the date, maybe the alcohol would be a good idea ^^
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
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    1) Your ex and his feelings are no longer your concern. Try to stop feeling guilty about hurting him. Being broken up with hurts. It just does.

    2) I've found, and this is just my experience, that when a guy is into you romantically, you won't wonder about it. Even though he says he wants to start something with you, his actions are saying something else.

    Honestly, the best thing to do is walk away from this and give it some air. He needs to pursue you if he's ready to do that. I know it sounds counter-productive, but the more you wonder and get anxious and annoyed, the less interest he has in you. Find something to keep you "too busy" to care. Good luck.
  • CamiXiomara
    CamiXiomara Posts: 114
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    I am not an expert on this area, since I've been married to the same guy for more than 10 years. But, it seems to me that you might want to give yourself a break from a relationship. You just got out of ten year marriage. Give yourself time to know yourself. Also, by what you have written, I believe that your 'guy' might be in to you, but he doesn't want to go 'all in' so fast. This types of scenario need time - If he is truly the one, he'll wait a bit longer. Don't force it. Good luck with everything!
  • chuckyp
    chuckyp Posts: 693 Member
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    Also, you're technically still married. Maybe that freaks him out a bit.
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
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    What's your hurry? If you care about him, you need to consider what he wants - not just what you want. He wants to go slowly.
  • Scott613
    Scott613 Posts: 2,317 Member
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    You should jump on the chick train, go lesbo!!!

    Btw my advice is flawed and horrible do not listen to me.
  • suemar74
    suemar74 Posts: 447 Member
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    Edited because I realized that my own personal life is what many (including me) would consider messed up and I probably have no right to be giving advice :)

    That is all. Carry on...
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
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    I am not an expert on this area, since I've been married to the same guy for more than 10 years. But, it seems to me that you might want to give yourself a break from a relationship. You just got out of ten year marriage. Give yourself time to know yourself. Also, by what you have written, I believe that your 'guy' might be in to you, but he doesn't want to go 'all in' so fast. This types of scenario need time - If he is truly the one, he'll wait a bit longer. Don't force it. Good luck with everything!
    This is excellent advice.
  • dhayes
    dhayes Posts: 216 Member
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    Sounds like your guy really likes you as a friend...would probably sleep with you...but is not cool with the rest of your situation. by that I mean he does not want a ready made family, doesn't want to deal with your ex, is confused by how you can move on in what for him seems a short time.

    "Your guy" values your friendship and can probably see himself moving on once he has slept with you. Here's the deal when a guy gets the cookie and doesn't like the rest of the meal, he is moving on no matter what. He seems decent and concerned for your feelings, he has probably told you what I have said and you are not hearing it. So unless you really just want a booty call back off to let him resolve his fee.lings.
  • TooFatToFit
    TooFatToFit Posts: 285 Member
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    I don't think my answer is what you are hoping to hear, but I think 'your' guy is right. I think you should proceed with ultimate care, caution and slowness. Although, texting all day (even while you were still with your husband!), talking all night, socializing and drinking together...I don't know, sounds like dating to me! Sex seems to be the only thing you're not doing. Still, I don't get you peeling off because he didn't kiss you...it comes off as kind of immature. (Not saying you are, but that action does.)

    That said, I have been purposely single for going on 2 years after my separation because I wanted to make sure I come into any new relationship with no baggage and having worked on the parts of myself that affected my marriage in a negative way (BOTH sides contribute to a failed marriage). I also wanted to protect my children from further ups and downs which any relationship WILL have...I thought they needed just consistent stability while I focused on them and helping them get through this horrible thing in their lives. It's only just recently that I've thought it might be okay to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship (which the kids would not know about until I was sure it was going somewhere long term). So obviously, I'm a take it slow kind of person, which is why this is my opinion on your situation as well.

    Good luck, though. This sounds like a big dramatic mess which can't be doing anyone any good.
  • koosdel
    koosdel Posts: 3,317 Member
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    You should get a sitter, or put vasoline on the door knobs. You know, whatevers easier.
  • dhayes
    dhayes Posts: 216 Member
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    Good luck to you.:smile:
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    I agree with those that said go slow and proceed with caution.

    You're been in Relationship Mode for 10 years. Even though you've emotionally checked out with your husband, you should be in Independent Mode, and perfectly comfortable being there, before you get involved with someone else.

    Your guy-friend seems like he's really got his head on straight. He likes you, but doesn't want to be Rebound Guy. With him being sensible about it, you should be able to tell him, "Look, I like you a lot and I think there's real possibility here, but I need more time and space before getting involved." Then back off. Way off. Don't talk nightly, for starters. Figure out a schedule that works. Enjoy being single. Enjoy not having to worry about another adult's feelings. Rediscover who you are, because no matter how over your ex you are, it still takes time and distance to stop thinking about yourself as half of a relationship.
  • dhayes
    dhayes Posts: 216 Member
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    I don't think my answer is what you are hoping to hear, but I think 'your' guy is right. I think you should proceed with ultimate care, caution and slowness. Although, texting all day (even while you were still with your husband!), talking all night, socializing and drinking together...I don't know, sounds like dating to me! Sex seems to be the only thing you're not doing. Still, I don't get you peeling off because he didn't kiss you...it comes off as kind of immature. (Not saying you are, but that action does.)

    That said, I have been purposely single for going on 2 years after my separation because I wanted to make sure I come into any new relationship with no baggage and having worked on the parts of myself that affected my marriage in a negative way (BOTH sides contribute to a failed marriage). I also wanted to protect my children from further ups and downs which any relationship WILL have...I thought they needed just consistent stability while I focused on them and helping them get through this horrible thing in their lives. It's only just recently that I've thought it might be okay to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship (which the kids would not know about until I was sure it was going somewhere long term). So obviously, I'm a take it slow kind of person, which is why this is my opinion on your situation as well.

    Good luck, though. This sounds like a big dramatic mess which can't be doing anyone any good.


    Excellent advice and well said.
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,455 Member
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    Cool it for a while. If hes interested and is the "right" one, he will hang on a little longer. Get the divorce stuff out of the way - thats likely causing him to hold back some too. Enjoy your SINGLE time. Find some new hobbies, some new friends, get yourself back and your kids lives adjusted and in line a bit too. There is just no rush and no need to be in a relationship.
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
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    Agree with everyone that you should back off the new relationship. I know you say you've been out of your marriage for a while, but you should still take some time to just be you. Doesn't sound like he is ready either. Give it 6 months (you've waited 10 years already so what is another 6 months?). I would back off on the phone calls and everything. Maybe once or twice a week. Seriously. Juts be you for a while. It isn't healthy to jump from one relationship into another.
  • StaceyL76
    StaceyL76 Posts: 711 Member
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    Ever think he may just not want to be your rebound??? He has feelings and stakes in this too... It isn't all about you. He needs to make sure he isn't setting himself up for heartache. He has known you for many years and he wants to take it SLOW.

    What is your rush??? Figure that out? Maybe you need some time to rebound, blow off steam and just go get the attention you want. If he is a keeper, do you really want to take a chance of screwing it up??
  • writtenINthestars
    writtenINthestars Posts: 1,933 Member
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    OP...I can't even begin to tell you how SIMILAR our stories are right now.

    I actually can't offer any advice as I'm going through the same thing of sorts...my heart is torn and I don't what the eff to do.

    I'm going to lurk on this thread for a bit and see if I can get some insight as well.
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
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    I think that maybe if you checked out of your marriage a long time ago, then you didn't give it a fair chance to work out. If your husband is still upset, then maybe, he had put some more effort into and never got a real chance to make it better. Maybe your new guy knows this and he doesn't want to suffer the same fate. Even though you checked out of your marriage, you were still married and when you were talking to your new guy, you were having an emotional affair. I think your new man is right to be cautious. How does he really know you won't do that again with someone else.

    I don't really expect you to answer this, I am just voicing my opinion, as that is what you asked for. Please don't hate the opinioner.

    One other thing to consider is if he has never been married, he may not want to be married and tied down to someone with kids. Yes he hangs out with you and the kids, but that is different than being a partner in life events. Maybe he just doesn't want the same things as you and is smart enough to not get emotionally involved.

    :flowerforyou:

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