Advice needed from both sexes... especially men and women!!

canamoc · October 2011

So I don't normally post on here, I spend my whole time creeping really, apologies for that, maybe after this post I will become addicted to airing my problems online!!

So I'll make this as short as possible, I just need some advice on my situation really.......

I am recently separated ( 2 months) from my husband whom I had been with for 10 years. At the time it seemed like it was a mutual decision, we have (or maybe just me) been unhappy for a LONG time and just dragging it out and hoping for a change cos' we have 2 young children. Anyways, after many splits I finally did it for good about 2 months ago and I don't regret it for a minute. I know, though it's not been easy in many ways that this was the right thing to do and I should have done it a long time ago. He on the other hand has not had such an easy time of it and has gone through various emotions... but we are moving on.

Anyways, there is this friend of mine (a guy) that I have known for 8 years, with some periods of time that we didn't talk too much but have always been friends. Over the last 1.5 years we have become closer friends again and he would come over sometimes and hang out with my husband and I and my brother (as he is also his friend). Before my husband and I broke up he made comment about how him and I should have gotten together and gotten married..... I was kinda shocked and questioned were he serious and turns out he was.... which lead me to admit that back before I got married I too had feelings for him but I was engaged and he had a girlfriend so nothing was ever voiced. (FYI... he is currently single, never been married or anything). So then I admitted that I kinda did still have some feelings for him and always had because with him everything is just soooo easy.....

Then I broke up with my husband.... and I told this guy.... and we talked........ and we touched on 'us' and if there was any future for us eventually, other than friends. He agreed that he thought there was but with everything going on that we should really just take it slow and see what happens, cos we also don't want to lose out friendship. So then we started talking on phone every night (we had already been texting all day, way before my husband and I split) and when I say talking, some times it would be 8 hours.... but normally around 4-5 hours. EVERY NIGHT. And we hung out every Saturday, movie, drinks, he came with me to get tattooed and a piercing done...... he came with me and my kids to a theme park......

Sorry, trying to shorten it.....

We have talked sometimes about 'us' and decided we are in a grey area and we have to take it slow... he is having a hard time with the fact that he knew my ex, though not really 'friends' that I am moving from being a friend to something more, that he was not wanting to be in a relationship, but is open to it with me, that he is friends with my brother, that I come with 2 kids, when he never thought he would date someone with kids..... and so on...... Then about 3 weeks ago we were both a little drunk and we ended up kissing.... a lot.... you know how that goes... no explanation needed!!!! Afterwards we agreed twas great and there was no awkwardness or anything.... we have continued to talk every day for hours, text all day, and hang out every Saturday night (it's the night my ex takes the kids). But there has been no more of the good stuff ;-( When I am a little drunk I will ask him about this and he says it's complicated and he doesn't like to talk about it and that I need more time (though I checked out of my marriage a long time ago and had already accomplished closure from that) and that he is scared to lose me as a friend..... yadda, yadda.....

Last night we were out and having a great time as we always do..... end of night comes, I am driving so I drop him home..... there is a brief awkward 'air' and then he gets out and I speed off..... pissed right off....... no lip action..... wtf? sometimes I feel like he wants to and he knows damn well I want to, but sadly without the fuel of alcohol I will not be the first move maker..... and he just seems shy, which is ridiculous as we have talked and talked about everything......

So I am FED up and so unsure as to what is going on...... he fully admits that there is 'something' between us, and that he wants to see what happens for us, but that he is scared to lose me as a friend as he has no contact at all with his exes.... where as I am cool with mine....... I am confused and a little heart broken and the ego is a little bruised in all this. I know I was looking good last night, there was another guy almost trying to hit on me and 'my' guy was very concerned and jealous.... and 'my' guy is always complimenting me on everything about me, from what I can gather he thinks I'm the next best thing to sliced bread!!! But..... no friggin action...... WTF???

So any and all advice is appreciated, have you been in similar? Are you a guy who can shed some light on situation....... are you a woman who is doing this right now?

Sorry for this to be so long, man writing this out was a bit of a bore so I'm sure reading it will be too....... yawn!! Oh and before anyone mentions my 'ex' yes, it may have been a short time since we split, but I really did reconcile my feelings a long time ago regarding him, It has been over for me for a long time and I was just going through the motions..... and 'my' guy knows this.... although last night he passed comment on the fact that no separation agreement has been signed..... hmmmmmmm, only cos' we are amicable and I haven't wanted to upset my ex anymore, could that be a reason? Anywaysssssss

Many thanks!!!

Iamfit4life · October 2011

I'm going to come back and answer this when I'm not on a bike at the gym. I think my life situations can me give you some good advice.

i_love_vinegar · October 2011

i think hes trying to be respectful of u! maybe u should be a bit more forward...kinda set the stage like leave lingerie on ur bed and go, "come in" and then lay in bed with him to watch a movie or something XD maybe touch his hand first >_< gawsh its hard i know, but just grab his hand and say, "AFAFAFE!!!!" his name. Then he will be like, "Huh?! huh?!" and u will be like, "Um...UM!" and then look at him with lust and try and make ur eyes sparkle >_< If that doesnt get you a kiss at the end of the date, maybe the alcohol would be a good idea ^^

sunkisses · October 2011

1) Your ex and his feelings are no longer your concern. Try to stop feeling guilty about hurting him. Being broken up with hurts. It just does.

2) I've found, and this is just my experience, that when a guy is into you romantically, you won't wonder about it. Even though he says he wants to start something with you, his actions are saying something else.

Honestly, the best thing to do is walk away from this and give it some air. He needs to pursue you if he's ready to do that. I know it sounds counter-productive, but the more you wonder and get anxious and annoyed, the less interest he has in you. Find something to keep you "too busy" to care. Good luck.

CamiXiomara · October 2011

I am not an expert on this area, since I've been married to the same guy for more than 10 years. But, it seems to me that you might want to give yourself a break from a relationship. You just got out of ten year marriage. Give yourself time to know yourself. Also, by what you have written, I believe that your 'guy' might be in to you, but he doesn't want to go 'all in' so fast. This types of scenario need time - If he is truly the one, he'll wait a bit longer. Don't force it. Good luck with everything!

chuckyp · October 2011

Also, you're technically still married. Maybe that freaks him out a bit.

Contrarian · October 2011

What's your hurry? If you care about him, you need to consider what he wants - not just what you want. He wants to go slowly.

Scott613 · October 2011

You should jump on the chick train, go lesbo!!!

Btw my advice is flawed and horrible do not listen to me.

suemar74 · October 2011

Edited because I realized that my own personal life is what many (including me) would consider messed up and I probably have no right to be giving advice

That is all. Carry on...

sunkisses · October 2011

I am not an expert on this area, since I've been married to the same guy for more than 10 years. But, it seems to me that you might want to give yourself a break from a relationship. You just got out of ten year marriage. Give yourself time to know yourself. Also, by what you have written, I believe that your 'guy' might be in to you, but he doesn't want to go 'all in' so fast. This types of scenario need time - If he is truly the one, he'll wait a bit longer. Don't force it. Good luck with everything!

This is excellent advice.

dhayes · October 2011

Sounds like your guy really likes you as a friend...would probably sleep with you...but is not cool with the rest of your situation. by that I mean he does not want a ready made family, doesn't want to deal with your ex, is confused by how you can move on in what for him seems a short time.

"Your guy" values your friendship and can probably see himself moving on once he has slept with you. Here's the deal when a guy gets the cookie and doesn't like the rest of the meal, he is moving on no matter what. He seems decent and concerned for your feelings, he has probably told you what I have said and you are not hearing it. So unless you really just want a booty call back off to let him resolve his fee.lings.

TooFatToFit · October 2011

I don't think my answer is what you are hoping to hear, but I think 'your' guy is right. I think you should proceed with ultimate care, caution and slowness. Although, texting all day (even while you were still with your husband!), talking all night, socializing and drinking together...I don't know, sounds like dating to me! Sex seems to be the only thing you're not doing. Still, I don't get you peeling off because he didn't kiss you...it comes off as kind of immature. (Not saying you are, but that action does.)

That said, I have been purposely single for going on 2 years after my separation because I wanted to make sure I come into any new relationship with no baggage and having worked on the parts of myself that affected my marriage in a negative way (BOTH sides contribute to a failed marriage). I also wanted to protect my children from further ups and downs which any relationship WILL have...I thought they needed just consistent stability while I focused on them and helping them get through this horrible thing in their lives. It's only just recently that I've thought it might be okay to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship (which the kids would not know about until I was sure it was going somewhere long term). So obviously, I'm a take it slow kind of person, which is why this is my opinion on your situation as well.

Good luck, though. This sounds like a big dramatic mess which can't be doing anyone any good.

koosdel · October 2011

You should get a sitter, or put vasoline on the door knobs. You know, whatevers easier.

dhayes · October 2011

Good luck to you.

LorinaLynn · October 2011

I agree with those that said go slow and proceed with caution.

You're been in Relationship Mode for 10 years. Even though you've emotionally checked out with your husband, you should be in Independent Mode, and perfectly comfortable being there, before you get involved with someone else.

Your guy-friend seems like he's really got his head on straight. He likes you, but doesn't want to be Rebound Guy. With him being sensible about it, you should be able to tell him, "Look, I like you a lot and I think there's real possibility here, but I need more time and space before getting involved." Then back off. Way off. Don't talk nightly, for starters. Figure out a schedule that works. Enjoy being single. Enjoy not having to worry about another adult's feelings. Rediscover who you are, because no matter how over your ex you are, it still takes time and distance to stop thinking about yourself as half of a relationship.

dhayes · October 2011

I don't think my answer is what you are hoping to hear, but I think 'your' guy is right. I think you should proceed with ultimate care, caution and slowness. Although, texting all day (even while you were still with your husband!), talking all night, socializing and drinking together...I don't know, sounds like dating to me! Sex seems to be the only thing you're not doing. Still, I don't get you peeling off because he didn't kiss you...it comes off as kind of immature. (Not saying you are, but that action does.)

That said, I have been purposely single for going on 2 years after my separation because I wanted to make sure I come into any new relationship with no baggage and having worked on the parts of myself that affected my marriage in a negative way (BOTH sides contribute to a failed marriage). I also wanted to protect my children from further ups and downs which any relationship WILL have...I thought they needed just consistent stability while I focused on them and helping them get through this horrible thing in their lives. It's only just recently that I've thought it might be okay to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship (which the kids would not know about until I was sure it was going somewhere long term). So obviously, I'm a take it slow kind of person, which is why this is my opinion on your situation as well.

Good luck, though. This sounds like a big dramatic mess which can't be doing anyone any good.

Excellent advice and well said.

juliecat1 · October 2011

Cool it for a while. If hes interested and is the "right" one, he will hang on a little longer. Get the divorce stuff out of the way - thats likely causing him to hold back some too. Enjoy your SINGLE time. Find some new hobbies, some new friends, get yourself back and your kids lives adjusted and in line a bit too. There is just no rush and no need to be in a relationship.

Rae6503 · October 2011

Agree with everyone that you should back off the new relationship. I know you say you've been out of your marriage for a while, but you should still take some time to just be you. Doesn't sound like he is ready either. Give it 6 months (you've waited 10 years already so what is another 6 months?). I would back off on the phone calls and everything. Maybe once or twice a week. Seriously. Juts be you for a while. It isn't healthy to jump from one relationship into another.

StaceyL76 · October 2011

Ever think he may just not want to be your rebound??? He has feelings and stakes in this too... It isn't all about you. He needs to make sure he isn't setting himself up for heartache. He has known you for many years and he wants to take it SLOW.

What is your rush??? Figure that out? Maybe you need some time to rebound, blow off steam and just go get the attention you want. If he is a keeper, do you really want to take a chance of screwing it up??

writtenINthestars · October 2011

OP...I can't even begin to tell you how SIMILAR our stories are right now.

I actually can't offer any advice as I'm going through the same thing of sorts...my heart is torn and I don't what the eff to do.

I'm going to lurk on this thread for a bit and see if I can get some insight as well.

dlaplume2 · October 2011

I think that maybe if you checked out of your marriage a long time ago, then you didn't give it a fair chance to work out. If your husband is still upset, then maybe, he had put some more effort into and never got a real chance to make it better. Maybe your new guy knows this and he doesn't want to suffer the same fate. Even though you checked out of your marriage, you were still married and when you were talking to your new guy, you were having an emotional affair. I think your new man is right to be cautious. How does he really know you won't do that again with someone else.

I don't really expect you to answer this, I am just voicing my opinion, as that is what you asked for. Please don't hate the opinioner.

One other thing to consider is if he has never been married, he may not want to be married and tied down to someone with kids. Yes he hangs out with you and the kids, but that is different than being a partner in life events. Maybe he just doesn't want the same things as you and is smart enough to not get emotionally involved.

:flowerforyou:

dlaplume2 · October 2011

Sounds like your guy really likes you as a friend...would probably sleep with you...but is not cool with the rest of your situation. by that I mean he does not want a ready made family, doesn't want to deal with your ex, is confused by how you can move on in what for him seems a short time.

"Your guy" values your friendship and can probably see himself moving on once he has slept with you. Here's the deal when a guy gets the cookie and doesn't like the rest of the meal, he is moving on no matter what. He seems decent and concerned for your feelings, he has probably told you what I have said and you are not hearing it. So unless you really just want a booty call back off to let him resolve his fee.lings.

Very well put.

Artemis_Acorn · October 2011

Here are the facts as you've stated them:

1, You're still legally married - not even formally separated
2. You have children still in the home
3. The only time things got really physical was when you were under the influence of alcohol
4. Your friend has told you he has concerns about proceeding with a romantic relationship
5. Your friendship with the other man constituted an emotional affair before the end of your marriage even if not a physical one

Every single one of these things are red flags. Stop and take a good honest look at yourself and your situation. This is NOT all about you. There is the man who is still legally your husband, and the father of your children. There are your children and other extended family members. There is this other man who you have turned to for emotional gratification. Even if you think you are ready to proceed with another relationship, doing so at this point will most definitely hurt people who you love. It's no foundation for a long-term successful relationship.

Give everyone time - including yourself. Rushing into this is not wise for many reasons and purchasing your own happiness at the expense of someone else's delivers you some seriously bad Karma.

canamoc · October 2011

Wow, so many great responses....... since my kids are home though now I can't quote and reply to all of them so I'm gonna touch on the main issues that everyone brought up!

With regards to my children, they are not aware of a anything, this guy has been around as a friend for a long time, and anytime he is with my kids there is nothing they could ever see that would make them think any differently..... my kids are not going to be involved in anything for a long time as I don't want them hurt in any more ways than they have been by my split. This is why I only see this guy once a week, when I don't have my kids, and we only talk late at night when my kids are in bed.

With regards to him ever viewing me as someone he can sleep with and then move on. I seriously doubt that (I could be wrong of course) cos' he knows me too well, he is not like that and has never been into 'conquests' he is way too concerned about messing up our friendship and in my many drunken moments he could have easily gone that route but actually he is quite the opposite. On one particular night, which unfortunately I don't remember due to alcohol consumption, lack of food and lack of sleep, he brought me home and apparently (he told me the next day) I was def' encouraging some 'lovin' and he flat out told me that that was not how he wanted it to happen with us.... so yeah I pretty sure I would never be a benefit friend!!

My marriage had been over for a long time, even my ex would admit that. It's not possible to get into all the details here but we had discussed splitting many times and had previously parted for up to a week many times. We did marriage counselling, we tried many times, both of us. He was well aware that I talked with this other guy all the time and that I did that because as well as many other things that were wrong in my marriage, my husband and I never ever talked about anything. I am a chatty person and my husband had just lost interest in talking or any other part of a marriage pretty much. Was I emotionally cheating? Hmm, maybe I was, but I didn't do it secretly. My husband was always aware of my friendship and how close I was with this other guy. My husband has not dealt with this well cos' he has also had his brother move away and so he feels very alone now, then just a few days ago he rear ended someone and wrote off his truck.... so everything combined has lead to his emotional state. I don't think he is like this cos' he really loves me and misses me..... it's more cos I am familiar and safe and he doesn't have that now and it's more apparent with his brother having moved away, so he is left with no family close by. As for the legal separation, neither one of us wants to involve a lawyer till we can file for divorce and we need to be separate for a year before we can do that. We have the papers off the internet for separation but I question how much weight they actually hold.

My close girlfriends have told me the same things that you guys have regarding taking it slow.... this seems to be the consensus amongst my friends whom I have told about this. I know I should and I want that too, I don't want to see him all the time, once a week is good for me, yeah we maybe talk to much but we did that before any of this came about, same with the texting. I know we should cut back and I don't really have an argument why I can't other than I enjoy it and it's a break from my life when we chat about the random stuff we chat about..... but I am also aware that I am becoming dependant on him for my company and my release everyday. I guess for me I just don't understand the lack of physical activity, and I know there is the feeling in the 'air' so to speak that at the end of the night it's kind of there but neither one of us makes a move.... maybe I am just as much to blame then too.

As far as he just wants to stay friends..... hmmmm, maybe ultimately he does, however in all our discussions he has indicated otherwise..... he has not been with anyone in a year and is a little jaded when it comes to relationships. He told me he had no plans to be in a relationship, however with me he is willing to cos' it's different. He has been open and honest about his desire to take it slow and not step on anyone's toes. He doesn't want to come to my house as it was my 'home' with my ex (it's on the market.... anyone need a house??) but when I get my own place then that will be different. He has told me he goes back and forth between being OK with my ex and then remembering I have that ex and that it's hard for him as he had to bury those feelings for a long time as I was someone else's wife, and now he is allowed to have those feelings it takes time for him.

So yeah as I write this I'm really wondering why I didn't just write this all out before as it kind of makes it clearer to me where he is coming from. I know it's not all about me, but in my marriage it was never about me and so now I just kind of think, so long as it doesn't effect my kids, then it is about me, it goes kids, me and then everyone else...... I have to put myself closer to the top and do what I want cos' I haven't for so long.

Sorry for the excessive rambling..... I really do appreciate everyones opinion and advice, even if I don't agree with it, it doesn't mean I don't respect you and thank you for it. And everything everyone has said has encouraged me to think more carefully and honestly about the situation.

For those that mentioned similarities in their life, feel free to friend me, or anyone else for that matter, if you think you and I could chat sometimes and bolster each others spirits.

canamoc · October 2011

I don't think my answer is what you are hoping to hear, but I think 'your' guy is right. I think you should proceed with ultimate care, caution and slowness. Although, texting all day (even while you were still with your husband!), talking all night, socializing and drinking together...I don't know, sounds like dating to me! Sex seems to be the only thing you're not doing. Still, I don't get you peeling off because he didn't kiss you...it comes off as kind of immature. (Not saying you are, but that action does.)

That said, I have been purposely single for going on 2 years after my separation because I wanted to make sure I come into any new relationship with no baggage and having worked on the parts of myself that affected my marriage in a negative way (BOTH sides contribute to a failed marriage). I also wanted to protect my children from further ups and downs which any relationship WILL have...I thought they needed just consistent stability while I focused on them and helping them get through this horrible thing in their lives. It's only just recently that I've thought it might be okay to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship (which the kids would not know about until I was sure it was going somewhere long term). So obviously, I'm a take it slow kind of person, which is why this is my opinion on your situation as well.

Good luck, though. This sounds like a big dramatic mess which can't be doing anyone any good.

FYI.... I always peel off.... my driving habits are fast and furious...... so me speeding off is the norm... had I crept away doing the the speed limit THEN he would have wondered!!! Haha!!

HolleeERL · October 2011

The best advice I can give is this: Don't get into ANY relationship until you've been on your own for a while. Live your life drama free from men and do your own thing. It will clear your view from what others want from you and give you a little clarity on what YOU want for YOU. I'm sure you would like to have the affection associated with a relationship, but you can have that in time. Why rush into a relationship when you aren't even divorced yet? Forget about this guy for a while and get your life in order first. Then you can persue him or someone else.

lokayb92 · October 2011

I agree with the first point - I was in a similar situation and hung on out of "guilt" - I knew my ex was better off with me than without me, but I had to worry about ME for a change.

On point #2, I'm not so sure this guy isn't just really insecure. Playing the devil's advocate here - you still talk to your ex (which is not within his scope of experience), there is no "legal" separation (so, for all he knows, you're just "taking a break"). If he really is a good friend & you do care about him, see what happens when the divorce is final. It'll be tough to wait around that long, but you have to decide whether or not you think it's worth it.

MisterDubs303 · October 2011

Here are the facts as you've stated them:

1, You're still legally married - not even formally separated
2. You have children still in the home
3. The only time things got really physical was when you were under the influence of alcohol
4. Your friend has told you he has concerns about proceeding with a romantic relationship
5. Your friendship with the other man constituted an emotional affair before the end of your marriage even if not a physical one

Every single one of these things are red flags. Stop and take a good honest look at yourself and your situation. This is NOT all about you. There is the man who is still legally your husband, and the father of your children. There are your children and other extended family members. There is this other man who you have turned to for emotional gratification. Even if you think you are ready to proceed with another relationship, doing so at this point will most definitely hurt people who you love. It's no foundation for a long-term successful relationship.

Give everyone time - including yourself. Rushing into this is not wise for many reasons and purchasing your own happiness at the expense of someone else's delivers you some seriously bad Karma.

^^^ I totally agree with this, plus so many other responses on this thread.

I have been in the position of both men in this scenario.

The nature of your relationship with this man (and presumably why you are so attracted to him) is building in a way that your interpretation of it (and the value of it) is extremely unreliable. It's why emotional affairs are destructive. Of course he was a great friend while you were already checked out of your marriage, you had already created an extremely unfair standard by which to compare him. He has no choice but to come out looking good. You were already tired of your husband, and had discarded him. Meanwhile, this guy, who does not live with you, does not share responsibilities with you, does not have to share the stresses of your failing marriage with you, doesn't have the tension of family politics, the grief of crumbling dreams, or any other aspect of a marriage that makes it difficult, frustrating, and draining, only has to provide positive support. That is the extent of his relationship with you, and it's a piece of cake, especially since that is what you really need or want. It's EASY for him to be supportive, make you feel good, and come out of it looking like the man you "should have been with" from the beginning. You can't trust that dynamic; you created it, and the cards were stacked in his favor. Your husband could (and may be trying to) do the same things as this guy, and you would simply be annoyed by his efforts. That's not the guy, it's you.

It boils down to the fact that you two are providing and receiving an incomplete emotional experience that represents only a tiny piece of a much bigger relationship, and that tiny piece is completely inadequate as a measure to judge its validity. Had you married this guy instead, you might be doing the exact same thing right now, except with your husband.

As an aside, I have tried to balance some tension of my own with how I interact with some of my MFPals for this exact same reason. People are in crappy relationships, but MFPals are so supportive. It is easy to be supportive, caring, etc. from a distance. Unlike spouses or SOs, we don't share the real tension and struggles of everyday life that push aside the niceties that we as outsiders can make the time do provide. I hope people don't really compare the support they receive here to the lack of support IRL and feel worse about the people closer to them. It really is an apples and oranges comparison.

canamoc · October 2011

Here are the facts as you've stated them:

1, You're still legally married - not even formally separated
2. You have children still in the home
3. The only time things got really physical was when you were under the influence of alcohol
4. Your friend has told you he has concerns about proceeding with a romantic relationship
5. Your friendship with the other man constituted an emotional affair before the end of your marriage even if not a physical one

Every single one of these things are red flags. Stop and take a good honest look at yourself and your situation. This is NOT all about you. There is the man who is still legally your husband, and the father of your children. There are your children and other extended family members. There is this other man who you have turned to for emotional gratification. Even if you think you are ready to proceed with another relationship, doing so at this point will most definitely hurt people who you love. It's no foundation for a long-term successful relationship.

Give everyone time - including yourself. Rushing into this is not wise for many reasons and purchasing your own happiness at the expense of someone else's delivers you some seriously bad Karma.

^^^ I totally agree with this, plus so many other responses on this thread.

I have been in the position of both men in this scenario.

The nature of your relationship with this man (and presumably why you are so attracted to him) is building in a way that your interpretation of it (and the value of it) is extremely unreliable. It's why emotional affairs are destructive. Of course he was a great friend while you were already checked out of your marriage, you had already created an extremely unfair standard by which to compare him. He has no choice but to come out looking good. You were already tired of your husband, and had discarded him. Meanwhile, this guy, who does not live with you, does not share responsibilities with you, does not have to share the stresses of your failing marriage with you, doesn't have the tension of family politics, the grief of crumbling dreams, or any other aspect of a marriage that makes it difficult, frustrating, and draining, only has to provide positive support. That is the extent of his relationship with you, and it's a piece of cake, especially since that is what you really need or want. It's EASY for him to be supportive, make you feel good, and come out of it looking like the man you "should have been with" from the beginning. You can't trust that dynamic; you created it, and the cards were stacked in his favor. Your husband could (and may be trying to) do the same things as this guy, and you would simply be annoyed by his efforts. That's not the guy, it's you.

It boils down to the fact that you two are providing and receiving an incomplete emotional experience that represents only a tiny piece of a much bigger relationship, and that tiny piece is completely inadequate as a measure to judge its validity. Had you married this guy instead, you might be doing the exact same thing right now, except with your husband.

As an aside, I have tried to balance some tension of my own with how I interact with some of my MFPals for this exact same reason. People are in crappy relationships, but MFPals are so supportive. It is easy to be supportive, caring, etc. from a distance. Unlike spouses or SOs, we don't share the real tension and struggles of everyday life that push aside the niceties that we as outsiders can make the time do provide. I hope people don't really compare the support they receive here to the lack of support IRL and feel worse about the people closer to them. It really is an apples and oranges comparison.

I truly value your input and really do take everything you said into consideration.

Just to clarify I am in no way wearing 'rosy tinted spectacles' when it comes to my 'friend' I am well aware that had I ventured down that path years ago that things could have ended the same if not worse than they have with my current husband. I am also aware that what we have comes with none of the stressors that are the realities of life..... it's kind of like being a teenager again, and yes that super fun, but not necessarily something that will work long term. I am not rushing into things, seeing him once a week at the moment is enough, I just expected some physical attention tis all. My ex husband did not make any effort despite repeated discussions about what needs to be worked on in our relationship, despite a marriage counsellor, despite him agreeing with the things the marriage counsellor recommended. I tried very hard in my marriage and did not want it to end, and I won't go into the details but there was no hope, and my husband would be the first to admit he is more to blame for this than I am..... I worked, he held fast to the idea that I never would actually have the 'balls' to go it alone. I am not looking to jump into another relationship, I am not looking for a rebound either. This other guy and I have always and continue to have a great relationship, we just work, I can't explain it, it's just so easy. Were it not him there would be no one at this point in time, many people are wanting to 'fix' me up and I'm not interested, but this is something that has always been brewing..... and now we have the opportunity to explore the possibilities. I am going into this with my eyes wide open, I am far from a teenager who thinks it's all perfect and sunshine and butterflies..... I have had other long term relationships go bad, for many reasons.... and I have never wanted to 'jump' into something else. And some days I don't know if I can be bothered with this either!! I believe in living my life without 'what if's' and so I'm covering this 'what if' and what happens happens...... if it's nothing, if it's just some fun or if it's something more then thats what it is and in some cases, all it is. But in no way do I think that our current and past 'relationship' is truly reflective of 'real life' I'm no fool to this whole relationship scene, and I am no hopeless romantic, in fact most people describe me as being very practical and honest as far as relationships are concerned.... not sure if thats a positive or not!!??

As for MFP'ers..... it's great to have a sounding board and get some feedback from people who are not in any way biased in the situation, but I am also aware that no body here knows me and I don't know them, their feedback maybe great and applicable but it may also need to be taken as a pinch of salt! No offence peep's!!!!

MisterDubs303 · October 2011

Whatever the case, I do wish you and your family the best, and hope for a smooth transition into your new lives.

0PhAtDaDdY · October 2011

I'm a guy, an OLD guy! Guy's always want what we cannot have... That's why he's been tracking you.. He has now accomplised his GOAL and I think his interest in you will fade.. Him marring you with kids I think is slim to none.. I think he just filled a fantasy...

If you x husband get's in touch with your post here he may have custody of your kids... I truely hope all goes well for you and most of all your children they could be having a tough time wondering where dad is!!

Just a guy's point of view..

Take care and good luck!

Advice needed from both sexes... especially men and women!!

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