Advice needed from both sexes... especially men and women!!
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Sounds like your guy really likes you as a friend...would probably sleep with you...but is not cool with the rest of your situation. by that I mean he does not want a ready made family, doesn't want to deal with your ex, is confused by how you can move on in what for him seems a short time.
"Your guy" values your friendship and can probably see himself moving on once he has slept with you. Here's the deal when a guy gets the cookie and doesn't like the rest of the meal, he is moving on no matter what. He seems decent and concerned for your feelings, he has probably told you what I have said and you are not hearing it. So unless you really just want a booty call back off to let him resolve his fee.lings.
Very well put.0 -
Here are the facts as you've stated them:
1, You're still legally married - not even formally separated
2. You have children still in the home
3. The only time things got really physical was when you were under the influence of alcohol
4. Your friend has told you he has concerns about proceeding with a romantic relationship
5. Your friendship with the other man constituted an emotional affair before the end of your marriage even if not a physical one
Every single one of these things are red flags. Stop and take a good honest look at yourself and your situation. This is NOT all about you. There is the man who is still legally your husband, and the father of your children. There are your children and other extended family members. There is this other man who you have turned to for emotional gratification. Even if you think you are ready to proceed with another relationship, doing so at this point will most definitely hurt people who you love. It's no foundation for a long-term successful relationship.
Give everyone time - including yourself. Rushing into this is not wise for many reasons and purchasing your own happiness at the expense of someone else's delivers you some seriously bad Karma.0 -
Wow, so many great responses....... since my kids are home though now I can't quote and reply to all of them so I'm gonna touch on the main issues that everyone brought up!
With regards to my children, they are not aware of a anything, this guy has been around as a friend for a long time, and anytime he is with my kids there is nothing they could ever see that would make them think any differently..... my kids are not going to be involved in anything for a long time as I don't want them hurt in any more ways than they have been by my split. This is why I only see this guy once a week, when I don't have my kids, and we only talk late at night when my kids are in bed.
With regards to him ever viewing me as someone he can sleep with and then move on. I seriously doubt that (I could be wrong of course) cos' he knows me too well, he is not like that and has never been into 'conquests' he is way too concerned about messing up our friendship and in my many drunken moments he could have easily gone that route but actually he is quite the opposite. On one particular night, which unfortunately I don't remember due to alcohol consumption, lack of food and lack of sleep, he brought me home and apparently (he told me the next day) I was def' encouraging some 'lovin' and he flat out told me that that was not how he wanted it to happen with us.... so yeah I pretty sure I would never be a benefit friend!!
My marriage had been over for a long time, even my ex would admit that. It's not possible to get into all the details here but we had discussed splitting many times and had previously parted for up to a week many times. We did marriage counselling, we tried many times, both of us. He was well aware that I talked with this other guy all the time and that I did that because as well as many other things that were wrong in my marriage, my husband and I never ever talked about anything. I am a chatty person and my husband had just lost interest in talking or any other part of a marriage pretty much. Was I emotionally cheating? Hmm, maybe I was, but I didn't do it secretly. My husband was always aware of my friendship and how close I was with this other guy. My husband has not dealt with this well cos' he has also had his brother move away and so he feels very alone now, then just a few days ago he rear ended someone and wrote off his truck.... so everything combined has lead to his emotional state. I don't think he is like this cos' he really loves me and misses me..... it's more cos I am familiar and safe and he doesn't have that now and it's more apparent with his brother having moved away, so he is left with no family close by. As for the legal separation, neither one of us wants to involve a lawyer till we can file for divorce and we need to be separate for a year before we can do that. We have the papers off the internet for separation but I question how much weight they actually hold.
My close girlfriends have told me the same things that you guys have regarding taking it slow.... this seems to be the consensus amongst my friends whom I have told about this. I know I should and I want that too, I don't want to see him all the time, once a week is good for me, yeah we maybe talk to much but we did that before any of this came about, same with the texting. I know we should cut back and I don't really have an argument why I can't other than I enjoy it and it's a break from my life when we chat about the random stuff we chat about..... but I am also aware that I am becoming dependant on him for my company and my release everyday. I guess for me I just don't understand the lack of physical activity, and I know there is the feeling in the 'air' so to speak that at the end of the night it's kind of there but neither one of us makes a move.... maybe I am just as much to blame then too.
As far as he just wants to stay friends..... hmmmm, maybe ultimately he does, however in all our discussions he has indicated otherwise..... he has not been with anyone in a year and is a little jaded when it comes to relationships. He told me he had no plans to be in a relationship, however with me he is willing to cos' it's different. He has been open and honest about his desire to take it slow and not step on anyone's toes. He doesn't want to come to my house as it was my 'home' with my ex (it's on the market.... anyone need a house??) but when I get my own place then that will be different. He has told me he goes back and forth between being OK with my ex and then remembering I have that ex and that it's hard for him as he had to bury those feelings for a long time as I was someone else's wife, and now he is allowed to have those feelings it takes time for him.
So yeah as I write this I'm really wondering why I didn't just write this all out before as it kind of makes it clearer to me where he is coming from. I know it's not all about me, but in my marriage it was never about me and so now I just kind of think, so long as it doesn't effect my kids, then it is about me, it goes kids, me and then everyone else...... I have to put myself closer to the top and do what I want cos' I haven't for so long.
Sorry for the excessive rambling..... I really do appreciate everyones opinion and advice, even if I don't agree with it, it doesn't mean I don't respect you and thank you for it. And everything everyone has said has encouraged me to think more carefully and honestly about the situation.
For those that mentioned similarities in their life, feel free to friend me, or anyone else for that matter, if you think you and I could chat sometimes and bolster each others spirits.0 -
I don't think my answer is what you are hoping to hear, but I think 'your' guy is right. I think you should proceed with ultimate care, caution and slowness. Although, texting all day (even while you were still with your husband!), talking all night, socializing and drinking together...I don't know, sounds like dating to me! Sex seems to be the only thing you're not doing. Still, I don't get you peeling off because he didn't kiss you...it comes off as kind of immature. (Not saying you are, but that action does.)
That said, I have been purposely single for going on 2 years after my separation because I wanted to make sure I come into any new relationship with no baggage and having worked on the parts of myself that affected my marriage in a negative way (BOTH sides contribute to a failed marriage). I also wanted to protect my children from further ups and downs which any relationship WILL have...I thought they needed just consistent stability while I focused on them and helping them get through this horrible thing in their lives. It's only just recently that I've thought it might be okay to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship (which the kids would not know about until I was sure it was going somewhere long term). So obviously, I'm a take it slow kind of person, which is why this is my opinion on your situation as well.
Good luck, though. This sounds like a big dramatic mess which can't be doing anyone any good.
FYI.... I always peel off.... my driving habits are fast and furious...... so me speeding off is the norm... had I crept away doing the the speed limit THEN he would have wondered!!! Haha!!0 -
The best advice I can give is this: Don't get into ANY relationship until you've been on your own for a while. Live your life drama free from men and do your own thing. It will clear your view from what others want from you and give you a little clarity on what YOU want for YOU. I'm sure you would like to have the affection associated with a relationship, but you can have that in time. Why rush into a relationship when you aren't even divorced yet? Forget about this guy for a while and get your life in order first. Then you can persue him or someone else.0
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I agree with the first point - I was in a similar situation and hung on out of "guilt" - I knew my ex was better off with me than without me, but I had to worry about ME for a change.
On point #2, I'm not so sure this guy isn't just really insecure. Playing the devil's advocate here - you still talk to your ex (which is not within his scope of experience), there is no "legal" separation (so, for all he knows, you're just "taking a break"). If he really is a good friend & you do care about him, see what happens when the divorce is final. It'll be tough to wait around that long, but you have to decide whether or not you think it's worth it.0 -
Here are the facts as you've stated them:
1, You're still legally married - not even formally separated
2. You have children still in the home
3. The only time things got really physical was when you were under the influence of alcohol
4. Your friend has told you he has concerns about proceeding with a romantic relationship
5. Your friendship with the other man constituted an emotional affair before the end of your marriage even if not a physical one
Every single one of these things are red flags. Stop and take a good honest look at yourself and your situation. This is NOT all about you. There is the man who is still legally your husband, and the father of your children. There are your children and other extended family members. There is this other man who you have turned to for emotional gratification. Even if you think you are ready to proceed with another relationship, doing so at this point will most definitely hurt people who you love. It's no foundation for a long-term successful relationship.
Give everyone time - including yourself. Rushing into this is not wise for many reasons and purchasing your own happiness at the expense of someone else's delivers you some seriously bad Karma.
^^^ I totally agree with this, plus so many other responses on this thread.
I have been in the position of both men in this scenario.
The nature of your relationship with this man (and presumably why you are so attracted to him) is building in a way that your interpretation of it (and the value of it) is extremely unreliable. It's why emotional affairs are destructive. Of course he was a great friend while you were already checked out of your marriage, you had already created an extremely unfair standard by which to compare him. He has no choice but to come out looking good. You were already tired of your husband, and had discarded him. Meanwhile, this guy, who does not live with you, does not share responsibilities with you, does not have to share the stresses of your failing marriage with you, doesn't have the tension of family politics, the grief of crumbling dreams, or any other aspect of a marriage that makes it difficult, frustrating, and draining, only has to provide positive support. That is the extent of his relationship with you, and it's a piece of cake, especially since that is what you really need or want. It's EASY for him to be supportive, make you feel good, and come out of it looking like the man you "should have been with" from the beginning. You can't trust that dynamic; you created it, and the cards were stacked in his favor. Your husband could (and may be trying to) do the same things as this guy, and you would simply be annoyed by his efforts. That's not the guy, it's you.
It boils down to the fact that you two are providing and receiving an incomplete emotional experience that represents only a tiny piece of a much bigger relationship, and that tiny piece is completely inadequate as a measure to judge its validity. Had you married this guy instead, you might be doing the exact same thing right now, except with your husband.
As an aside, I have tried to balance some tension of my own with how I interact with some of my MFPals for this exact same reason. People are in crappy relationships, but MFPals are so supportive. It is easy to be supportive, caring, etc. from a distance. Unlike spouses or SOs, we don't share the real tension and struggles of everyday life that push aside the niceties that we as outsiders can make the time do provide. I hope people don't really compare the support they receive here to the lack of support IRL and feel worse about the people closer to them. It really is an apples and oranges comparison.0 -
Here are the facts as you've stated them:
1, You're still legally married - not even formally separated
2. You have children still in the home
3. The only time things got really physical was when you were under the influence of alcohol
4. Your friend has told you he has concerns about proceeding with a romantic relationship
5. Your friendship with the other man constituted an emotional affair before the end of your marriage even if not a physical one
Every single one of these things are red flags. Stop and take a good honest look at yourself and your situation. This is NOT all about you. There is the man who is still legally your husband, and the father of your children. There are your children and other extended family members. There is this other man who you have turned to for emotional gratification. Even if you think you are ready to proceed with another relationship, doing so at this point will most definitely hurt people who you love. It's no foundation for a long-term successful relationship.
Give everyone time - including yourself. Rushing into this is not wise for many reasons and purchasing your own happiness at the expense of someone else's delivers you some seriously bad Karma.
^^^ I totally agree with this, plus so many other responses on this thread.
I have been in the position of both men in this scenario.
The nature of your relationship with this man (and presumably why you are so attracted to him) is building in a way that your interpretation of it (and the value of it) is extremely unreliable. It's why emotional affairs are destructive. Of course he was a great friend while you were already checked out of your marriage, you had already created an extremely unfair standard by which to compare him. He has no choice but to come out looking good. You were already tired of your husband, and had discarded him. Meanwhile, this guy, who does not live with you, does not share responsibilities with you, does not have to share the stresses of your failing marriage with you, doesn't have the tension of family politics, the grief of crumbling dreams, or any other aspect of a marriage that makes it difficult, frustrating, and draining, only has to provide positive support. That is the extent of his relationship with you, and it's a piece of cake, especially since that is what you really need or want. It's EASY for him to be supportive, make you feel good, and come out of it looking like the man you "should have been with" from the beginning. You can't trust that dynamic; you created it, and the cards were stacked in his favor. Your husband could (and may be trying to) do the same things as this guy, and you would simply be annoyed by his efforts. That's not the guy, it's you.
It boils down to the fact that you two are providing and receiving an incomplete emotional experience that represents only a tiny piece of a much bigger relationship, and that tiny piece is completely inadequate as a measure to judge its validity. Had you married this guy instead, you might be doing the exact same thing right now, except with your husband.
As an aside, I have tried to balance some tension of my own with how I interact with some of my MFPals for this exact same reason. People are in crappy relationships, but MFPals are so supportive. It is easy to be supportive, caring, etc. from a distance. Unlike spouses or SOs, we don't share the real tension and struggles of everyday life that push aside the niceties that we as outsiders can make the time do provide. I hope people don't really compare the support they receive here to the lack of support IRL and feel worse about the people closer to them. It really is an apples and oranges comparison.
I truly value your input and really do take everything you said into consideration.
Just to clarify I am in no way wearing 'rosy tinted spectacles' when it comes to my 'friend' I am well aware that had I ventured down that path years ago that things could have ended the same if not worse than they have with my current husband. I am also aware that what we have comes with none of the stressors that are the realities of life..... it's kind of like being a teenager again, and yes that super fun, but not necessarily something that will work long term. I am not rushing into things, seeing him once a week at the moment is enough, I just expected some physical attention tis all. My ex husband did not make any effort despite repeated discussions about what needs to be worked on in our relationship, despite a marriage counsellor, despite him agreeing with the things the marriage counsellor recommended. I tried very hard in my marriage and did not want it to end, and I won't go into the details but there was no hope, and my husband would be the first to admit he is more to blame for this than I am..... I worked, he held fast to the idea that I never would actually have the 'balls' to go it alone. I am not looking to jump into another relationship, I am not looking for a rebound either. This other guy and I have always and continue to have a great relationship, we just work, I can't explain it, it's just so easy. Were it not him there would be no one at this point in time, many people are wanting to 'fix' me up and I'm not interested, but this is something that has always been brewing..... and now we have the opportunity to explore the possibilities. I am going into this with my eyes wide open, I am far from a teenager who thinks it's all perfect and sunshine and butterflies..... I have had other long term relationships go bad, for many reasons.... and I have never wanted to 'jump' into something else. And some days I don't know if I can be bothered with this either!! I believe in living my life without 'what if's' and so I'm covering this 'what if' and what happens happens...... if it's nothing, if it's just some fun or if it's something more then thats what it is and in some cases, all it is. But in no way do I think that our current and past 'relationship' is truly reflective of 'real life' I'm no fool to this whole relationship scene, and I am no hopeless romantic, in fact most people describe me as being very practical and honest as far as relationships are concerned.... not sure if thats a positive or not!!??
As for MFP'ers..... it's great to have a sounding board and get some feedback from people who are not in any way biased in the situation, but I am also aware that no body here knows me and I don't know them, their feedback maybe great and applicable but it may also need to be taken as a pinch of salt! No offence peep's!!!!0 -
Whatever the case, I do wish you and your family the best, and hope for a smooth transition into your new lives.0
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I'm a guy, an OLD guy! Guy's always want what we cannot have... That's why he's been tracking you.. He has now accomplised his GOAL and I think his interest in you will fade.. Him marring you with kids I think is slim to none.. I think he just filled a fantasy...
If you x husband get's in touch with your post here he may have custody of your kids... I truely hope all goes well for you and most of all your children they could be having a tough time wondering where dad is!!
Just a guy's point of view..
Take care and good luck!0
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