Why cant I do it MY way?

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JonathanH67
JonathanH67 Posts: 9 Member
in Motivation and Support
Im 44 years old, married, I wiegh about 295 right now. I hit boot camp all 4 days a week and exercise at least 1-2 days that I dont have bootcamp. Ive been married for 12 years. My wife got me into boot camp and she looks great, but she is neurotic when it comes to tracking everything. Im not neurotic but I do track it by writing it down, Ill admit, I havent used myfitnesspal very much because of the growing resentment that is brewing. Allow me to explain. i do realize that there are two sides to every story if not more but this is just my perspective. Im concerned. I did go down in wt and Ive been working ouit 5 to 6 days a week. What concerns me is my wife's fixation on the scale and the numbers they show. For the last 4 weeks Ive been busting my *kitten* at boot camp and been pretty good with the dieting. I dont track my food like she does, she has an iphone and is on it at every spare moment. I am less tech savvy but I make sure to have healthy snacks like sliced cucumber or hard boiled egg should I need a little something. I make our lunches and she refers to her salad as The Trough. I figured there is plenty of salad, she wouldnt go hungry and she can always save the rest for later if she gets hungry again, as you know, salads dont really fill you up. We have been told by our boot camp instructor that it is the inches on your waist that matter more than the scale. Im able to get over 4 foot walls, my waist is down from a 51 to a 47 and Im trying not to let her fixation with the scale bring me down. I dont expect a parade, but it would be nice to get a compliment, yknow, actually verbalized and not a thumbs up with a mouthful of toothpaste, had no idea what she meant. Its the small goals that lead to the big ones, I like to appreciate the fact that Im slowly getting ahead instead of being constantly reminded where I NEED to be and how far away it is. Im frustrated and Im angry. I channel it into bootcamp but she keeps bringing the same **** up. I make her a large salad every day and she calls it THE TROUGH, why cant she just ask for a smaller salad? Trough is connected to pig which is connected to gluttony. Im not the one munching on cheetos and crap in front of the tv. Im not as OCD as some people but I understand that it is my lifestyle that needs to change. Ive been doing it my way, but she is so fixated on her way of doing things that I just end up resenting rather than trying to do at least some of the stuff she says I need to do. i would be more open to using MFPal if I wasnt having it shoved in my face every moment. I am following the guidelines set by my bootcamp instructor and I need to get on the ball with the tracking. This I know, just seems like anything I accomplish is blown off and Im reminded of how far I have to go. There is no appreciation for the small goals. I understand that I will make mistakes but for someone that cant listen to a request that is your partner just because she doesnt have near as much to lose makes me question myself and where this is headed. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Im not going to solve this overnight.
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Replies

  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
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    I don't really have any solutions but just wanted to say **hugs** that must be pretty tough. Sit down and let her know how this is making her feel?
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
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    You can do it your way. If she doesn't appreciate what you are making her, let her make her own food. She can make her own trough. You have to find what works for you. You are different people. She still needs to support you on your way. My husband is losing weight as well as me. MFP is my thing. He doesn't track calories, etc. He is doing it his way and I won't try to force anything on him.
  • caramkoala
    caramkoala Posts: 303 Member
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    No relationship advice for you, sorry.

    Just head down, and bum up and the results will soon be too big for anyone to ignore.

    OK, just one small piece of relationship advice. Don't make her salad for a week. she might appreciate it a bit more when you do!
  • jojopel
    jojopel Posts: 348 Member
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    Have you told her how you feel?
  • sjcply
    sjcply Posts: 817 Member
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    Sounds like you and your wife need to sit down and have a chat......communication is a great way to clear the air! Just tell her how you feel, and listen to how she feels. You guys may argue about it some.....BUT in the long run you will probably get it worked out and SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!

    Good Luck and just keep doing what you are doing and focus on YOU!
  • chrissym78
    chrissym78 Posts: 628 Member
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    Woah! All I can tell you is men and women think very differently. Sorry you're having a rough time. Just keep doing what is right and healthy for you and the rest will fall into place... Good luck!
  • annie41977
    annie41977 Posts: 17
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    First, I understand how hard it is to accomplish anything in an environment such as you are portraying. Have you tried talking to her about it? If not, start off by giving her a compliment and try to go into the discussion with gentleness, not anger.

    I'm hoping you can get this worked out with her in a timely manner so that you can move forward with more achievements towards your goals.
  • mea9
    mea9 Posts: 561 Member
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    Sometimes when people are obsessed with numbers it’s because they don’t see it. They don’t see when they gain or when they lose. They don’t see it on you, themselves or anybody else. I’m one of them. I gain 50lbs and the only way I know is because I can’t do up my clothes. I lose 30 and the only way I know is that my jeans fall down when I walk (actually happened). They can deal with numbers because it’s concrete. She can see that!

    Men put on muscle much more easily than women. That’s what you are probably seeing. You cannot compare yourself to your wife because there is a really big difference in the way men’s and women’s bodies manage fat. Create different rules for yourself which you have already done in that you are measuring. It sounds like you are doing great btw!!!
  • msmayor
    msmayor Posts: 362 Member
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    I wish my partner was on board as you are....right now I would be happy if he just decided to workout...... you are doing a great job and keep it up - talk to your wife and I'm sure she will understand and remind her what you were doing a year ago - I'm sure it's an improvement!
  • colgosling
    colgosling Posts: 104 Member
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    Its great to hear it from a guys perspective, I have been joint on this journey with by a male friend and I am similar to your wife in respect to always logging and being on my iphone, however, I know that I am in this for the long run and not just what the scales show me! The thing for your wife to remember or realise is that everyone has their own way of doing things and what matters is that you follow whatever way works for you to achieve your goals.

    With regards to 'The Trough', I originally thought she meant it in the way of the fact that pigs eat salad and stuff from trough as well as what ever other food they eat. A bit like me calling a salad 'Rabbit Food'! If you do genuinly think its because of the size of the salad then either make her a smaller one or let her make her own.

    Hope this helps and carry on doing what your doing - you sound to have done really well :)
  • sryan8408
    sryan8408 Posts: 244
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    First of all congradulations on your inches lost!

    Second of all *hugs*

    Third You can do whatever works for you right now but probably down the road you might want to track your calories on here. Especially if you hit a plateau.

    Fourth Show her this post.
  • JonathanH67
    JonathanH67 Posts: 9 Member
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    I tell her as gently as possible that I am different. I am not fixated on numbers per se, but more my performance at boot camp and I know the inches are coming off because my front abs are alot more trim, even pants from two years ago are too big. Im on board with supporting and making sure we eat right, it just seems like she is being hypocritical and unsupportive when I make headway. For her, competition is everything, for me, Im just glad to play a good game, winning and losing doesnt matter to me most of the time. For example, we did wieght watchers, I started shedding pounds and she plateaued and got pissed off and angry but coudnt tell me why. I try to talk but then she gets defensive and still has to justify her position and still be right. Why cant we just reach a truce, she will never admit she is wrong. I ask her how do I look, she tells me she cant see a difference because she sees me every day. What that is all about I dont know. I know I dont have a big gut anymore, Im not a small guy, Im solid, but damn. Cant a guy catch a break? Like I said, Ive tried to sit her down, but it just isnt sinking in. If the salad is too much then she should just request a small salad.. We rub each other the wrong way sometimes but we still talk and communicate, just wish it wasnt so one sided. Thank you all for the support. I plan on doing MUD MAN X games this Oct 22nd, I feel very ready.
  • H_Factor
    H_Factor Posts: 1,722 Member
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    She has to come to realize that everyone has their own way. I hated nagging and my stubborness caused me to delay the start of my lifestyle change. You have to do what works for you....and let your wife know that you appreciate her suggestions, but your plan is working for you. its something you can manage and something you can stick with.

    as far as working out, if you are doing boot camp 4x per week, I would really recommend resting the other 3 days. I do a boot camp once per week (wish I could do it more often) and I know how hard I work during the boot camp. If I don't give my body time to rest and recover after a boot camp, it will rebel against me. more is not always more. less can often be more...especially when it comes to exercise.
  • jpd10905
    jpd10905 Posts: 43
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    You sound really frustrated. I'm sorry you're struggling. I would definately talk to her and express how you're feeling. I would also suggest that you don't let her interfere with your weight loss journey; it's too easy to use her bad behavior as an excuse. At least, that's what I would do.

    Congrats on your progress. Keep up the hard work!!!!
  • bethdris
    bethdris Posts: 1,090 Member
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    You have to do what works for you. I am a scale addict, so those numbers mean a lot to mean. (Im trying to get over it). I do log a LOT and am on MFP a LOT. I have a very loving husband who has supported me through my lifestyle change. Now tht I am on maintainance, he decided to join MFP. I find it VERY important to celebrate all the goals and achievements he does, as he's done for me. I feel really bad that your wife is acting this way.

    I would sit down and talk to her about it.
  • VelcroPooh
    VelcroPooh Posts: 152
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    Women normally are more detail oriented than men. I know there are exceptions. She may just be very detail oriented and doesn't understand that you are not worried about all the little stuff. You should talk to her about it and try to get her to understand and be supportive of your way. Everyone has to do what works for them. My DH joined MFP with me and we have both been losing weight. I log everything....him...not so much but he's still doing it.

    You are doing great!
  • BeeElMarvin
    BeeElMarvin Posts: 2,086 Member
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    Just do it your way, it's working!
  • kmbrooks15
    kmbrooks15 Posts: 941 Member
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    I agree with everyone...sit down and have a CALM conversation with her. Explain to her how it makes you feel when she starts in on you and doesn't recognize the little accomplishments. If she still won't listen, then explain to her that from now on, you will just walk away if she starts to criticize. Each person has a different body and a different personality, and it's not wrong of you to go about things in the way that will work best for you. If you two still can't work it out, see if you can find a neutral third party, possibly even a marriage counselor, who can sit you both down and help you work through it. There is absolutely no shame in going to see a counselor; to me it says that your marriage is important enough to work at it! But you two are seriously butting heads and may need a neutral third party to help you find a compromise agreeable to you both.

    Someone suggested not making her salad for her anymore...that might be a good idea. Just explain that since she doesn't like how you make it, she can make it herself.
  • webdiva1
    webdiva1 Posts: 326 Member
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    Like many others have said, I agree that talking is good. But I'm also wondering if it might also be helpful to look more to yourself for motivation, support and a pat on the back when you need one than to her. Easy for me to say, of course: I'm on my own (and I like it that way). I'm not saying it well, but if you could make this more about YOU recognizing YOUR accomplishments, and YOU rewarding YOURSELF when you're done well, it might not be quite so painful when she doesn't give you the level of support you'd like. Make sense?

    Finally, I understand the whole OCD scale thing. An awful lot of folks consider it to be the only metric that matters. I'm not among them: feeling better, having more energy, improved stamina, downsizing clothes ... all those things matter more to me than what the scale says. That being said, you're probably not gonna change her mind about it. So you can change what YOU think ... or you can continue to do things your way and not waste energy on how she's doing it.

    Edited to add this: Oh, yeah: forgot about the whole salad thing. That's easy -- let her make her own. Sounds like her attitude about them is causing you way more stress than it's worth. Just my $.02. :)

    Hang in there. Like your coach says, get better about tracking. Just stay the course. You WILL get there.
  • KavemanKarg
    KavemanKarg Posts: 266
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    As a former personal trainer.

    As a part time strength and conditioning coach to boxers and MMA champions in Ontario, I can tell you this much for certain.

    You cannot force anyone to approach fitness your way, you can only assist, support, and encourage them to do it their way, leading by example and your own results if you need to change their course.

    If your wife wants to ensure you get pissed off and quit, just let her know she has chosen the perfect path to bring that about.

    I think also you should consider walking your own path and she can hers. My GF and I rarely workout together, because we chose to do it differently. We only ever fought when we tried to do it the same.

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