Exchanging Pride for Grace

Why am I sharing this? Because many people think just because they mess up, their journey is over, or they are failures. It doesn't have to be that way. I've dropped 10 pounds (mostly water weight) since my doc appointment March 20th. I realized I don't need a 1200 calorie diet to lose weight right now, I am 5'1" and nearly 200 pounds. Little changes will get me started. I cut my drinking down to 2 lite beers 1-2x a week. I started eating fruit instead of cookies for breakfast. I started keeping stuff to make healthy lunches in my office fridge. If we go out to dinner or if we stay in, I eat a half portion. No major changes, not like before. I'm no longer the all or nothing girl I was before. Exercise is tougher. I actually still teach spin classes, but I've been half assing it for 5 years. Time to sweat again even if I'm not 100%, 50% is better than 20%.

The long road…

I have been every size in the book, literally.

I was a small, but soft unathletic kid, with a fairly unhealthy diet of macaroni and hot dogs.

My teens I was a little more fit and still thin (size 2-4) but had terrible eating habits (binge/purge), and zero self esteem.

My early 20's were a train wreck of alcohol and bar food.

Mid - Late 20's - Crash diet for wedding "Adkin's Diet". I was thin and worked out, but still uncomfortable in my skin.

Thirties was another hit to my self esteem, as I slowly but surely regained the weight (Size 12-16). Then I got pregnant x 2, (Postpartum size 8-10) and started my healthy journey… or so I thought.

The late 30's/early 40's I knew I needed to be a better example for my girls, and I put in the work. Those were the fittest and happiest years of my life (Size 0-2). I taught classes at the Y and added MFP to lose ~40 pounds. I still was soft in the middle and so I got more serious about fitness and nutrition. I rode my bike 100-200 miles a week, while training for the state time trials. I ran half marathons for fun. I ate about 1300 - 1600 (which I thought was a lot - I'm only 5'1") calories a day depending on exercise (+2000 on century+ days).

This was great for 3-4 years, but even though I hit my protein numbers, I just wasn't taking in enough calories to support my work load. This led to adrenal fatigue. I was down and out for a year while they figured this out. I started gaining, but not a lot (Size 6-8). Then I dropped into a deep depression, and gained everything back plus some (Size 14-16).

I went through a couple of stints of losing getting back down to sizes 8-10 by cutting carbs or using Optivia, but those were just not maintainable for me. Once I stopped another load hit me, my daughter tried to take her life and my husband was on his 3rd shoulder surgery. Truthful, I have never felt so defeated and helpless in my entire life. I completely stopped exercising. It got so bad that I couldn't even ride my bike. I mentally didn't have the balls to lift my 2nd foot off the ground, huge mental block and another mental let down. Hubby (Former 3:15 marathon runner) and I went out just about every night. Bar food and beer became the norm. Not good emotionally or physically for either of us. Now I am the heaviest I've ever been and it is starting to affect my health. My perfect blood work and strong body have gone. I can't run and I'm out of breath when I walk up the stairs. I am on cholesterol meds, a *kitten* ton of meds to stay sane and now they think I have sleep apnea. Losing weight won't change the mental aspects (I work on those also), but it can bring my physical health back.

It has taken me a long time to hop back on the horse? I needed to forgive me and exchange pride for grace. Be at peace y'all!