Why cant I do it MY way?
JonathanH67
Posts: 9 Member
Im 44 years old, married, I wiegh about 295 right now. I hit boot camp all 4 days a week and exercise at least 1-2 days that I dont have bootcamp. Ive been married for 12 years. My wife got me into boot camp and she looks great, but she is neurotic when it comes to tracking everything. Im not neurotic but I do track it by writing it down, Ill admit, I havent used myfitnesspal very much because of the growing resentment that is brewing. Allow me to explain. i do realize that there are two sides to every story if not more but this is just my perspective. Im concerned. I did go down in wt and Ive been working ouit 5 to 6 days a week. What concerns me is my wife's fixation on the scale and the numbers they show. For the last 4 weeks Ive been busting my *kitten* at boot camp and been pretty good with the dieting. I dont track my food like she does, she has an iphone and is on it at every spare moment. I am less tech savvy but I make sure to have healthy snacks like sliced cucumber or hard boiled egg should I need a little something. I make our lunches and she refers to her salad as The Trough. I figured there is plenty of salad, she wouldnt go hungry and she can always save the rest for later if she gets hungry again, as you know, salads dont really fill you up. We have been told by our boot camp instructor that it is the inches on your waist that matter more than the scale. Im able to get over 4 foot walls, my waist is down from a 51 to a 47 and Im trying not to let her fixation with the scale bring me down. I dont expect a parade, but it would be nice to get a compliment, yknow, actually verbalized and not a thumbs up with a mouthful of toothpaste, had no idea what she meant. Its the small goals that lead to the big ones, I like to appreciate the fact that Im slowly getting ahead instead of being constantly reminded where I NEED to be and how far away it is. Im frustrated and Im angry. I channel it into bootcamp but she keeps bringing the same **** up. I make her a large salad every day and she calls it THE TROUGH, why cant she just ask for a smaller salad? Trough is connected to pig which is connected to gluttony. Im not the one munching on cheetos and crap in front of the tv. Im not as OCD as some people but I understand that it is my lifestyle that needs to change. Ive been doing it my way, but she is so fixated on her way of doing things that I just end up resenting rather than trying to do at least some of the stuff she says I need to do. i would be more open to using MFPal if I wasnt having it shoved in my face every moment. I am following the guidelines set by my bootcamp instructor and I need to get on the ball with the tracking. This I know, just seems like anything I accomplish is blown off and Im reminded of how far I have to go. There is no appreciation for the small goals. I understand that I will make mistakes but for someone that cant listen to a request that is your partner just because she doesnt have near as much to lose makes me question myself and where this is headed. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Im not going to solve this overnight.
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I don't really have any solutions but just wanted to say **hugs** that must be pretty tough. Sit down and let her know how this is making her feel?0
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You can do it your way. If she doesn't appreciate what you are making her, let her make her own food. She can make her own trough. You have to find what works for you. You are different people. She still needs to support you on your way. My husband is losing weight as well as me. MFP is my thing. He doesn't track calories, etc. He is doing it his way and I won't try to force anything on him.0
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No relationship advice for you, sorry.
Just head down, and bum up and the results will soon be too big for anyone to ignore.
OK, just one small piece of relationship advice. Don't make her salad for a week. she might appreciate it a bit more when you do!0 -
Have you told her how you feel?0
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Sounds like you and your wife need to sit down and have a chat......communication is a great way to clear the air! Just tell her how you feel, and listen to how she feels. You guys may argue about it some.....BUT in the long run you will probably get it worked out and SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!
Good Luck and just keep doing what you are doing and focus on YOU!0 -
Woah! All I can tell you is men and women think very differently. Sorry you're having a rough time. Just keep doing what is right and healthy for you and the rest will fall into place... Good luck!0
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First, I understand how hard it is to accomplish anything in an environment such as you are portraying. Have you tried talking to her about it? If not, start off by giving her a compliment and try to go into the discussion with gentleness, not anger.
I'm hoping you can get this worked out with her in a timely manner so that you can move forward with more achievements towards your goals.0 -
Sometimes when people are obsessed with numbers it’s because they don’t see it. They don’t see when they gain or when they lose. They don’t see it on you, themselves or anybody else. I’m one of them. I gain 50lbs and the only way I know is because I can’t do up my clothes. I lose 30 and the only way I know is that my jeans fall down when I walk (actually happened). They can deal with numbers because it’s concrete. She can see that!
Men put on muscle much more easily than women. That’s what you are probably seeing. You cannot compare yourself to your wife because there is a really big difference in the way men’s and women’s bodies manage fat. Create different rules for yourself which you have already done in that you are measuring. It sounds like you are doing great btw!!!0 -
I wish my partner was on board as you are....right now I would be happy if he just decided to workout...... you are doing a great job and keep it up - talk to your wife and I'm sure she will understand and remind her what you were doing a year ago - I'm sure it's an improvement!0
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Its great to hear it from a guys perspective, I have been joint on this journey with by a male friend and I am similar to your wife in respect to always logging and being on my iphone, however, I know that I am in this for the long run and not just what the scales show me! The thing for your wife to remember or realise is that everyone has their own way of doing things and what matters is that you follow whatever way works for you to achieve your goals.
With regards to 'The Trough', I originally thought she meant it in the way of the fact that pigs eat salad and stuff from trough as well as what ever other food they eat. A bit like me calling a salad 'Rabbit Food'! If you do genuinly think its because of the size of the salad then either make her a smaller one or let her make her own.
Hope this helps and carry on doing what your doing - you sound to have done really well
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First of all congradulations on your inches lost!
Second of all *hugs*
Third You can do whatever works for you right now but probably down the road you might want to track your calories on here. Especially if you hit a plateau.
Fourth Show her this post.0 -
I tell her as gently as possible that I am different. I am not fixated on numbers per se, but more my performance at boot camp and I know the inches are coming off because my front abs are alot more trim, even pants from two years ago are too big. Im on board with supporting and making sure we eat right, it just seems like she is being hypocritical and unsupportive when I make headway. For her, competition is everything, for me, Im just glad to play a good game, winning and losing doesnt matter to me most of the time. For example, we did wieght watchers, I started shedding pounds and she plateaued and got pissed off and angry but coudnt tell me why. I try to talk but then she gets defensive and still has to justify her position and still be right. Why cant we just reach a truce, she will never admit she is wrong. I ask her how do I look, she tells me she cant see a difference because she sees me every day. What that is all about I dont know. I know I dont have a big gut anymore, Im not a small guy, Im solid, but damn. Cant a guy catch a break? Like I said, Ive tried to sit her down, but it just isnt sinking in. If the salad is too much then she should just request a small salad.. We rub each other the wrong way sometimes but we still talk and communicate, just wish it wasnt so one sided. Thank you all for the support. I plan on doing MUD MAN X games this Oct 22nd, I feel very ready.0
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She has to come to realize that everyone has their own way. I hated nagging and my stubborness caused me to delay the start of my lifestyle change. You have to do what works for you....and let your wife know that you appreciate her suggestions, but your plan is working for you. its something you can manage and something you can stick with.
as far as working out, if you are doing boot camp 4x per week, I would really recommend resting the other 3 days. I do a boot camp once per week (wish I could do it more often) and I know how hard I work during the boot camp. If I don't give my body time to rest and recover after a boot camp, it will rebel against me. more is not always more. less can often be more...especially when it comes to exercise.0 -
You sound really frustrated. I'm sorry you're struggling. I would definately talk to her and express how you're feeling. I would also suggest that you don't let her interfere with your weight loss journey; it's too easy to use her bad behavior as an excuse. At least, that's what I would do.
Congrats on your progress. Keep up the hard work!!!!0 -
You have to do what works for you. I am a scale addict, so those numbers mean a lot to mean. (Im trying to get over it). I do log a LOT and am on MFP a LOT. I have a very loving husband who has supported me through my lifestyle change. Now tht I am on maintainance, he decided to join MFP. I find it VERY important to celebrate all the goals and achievements he does, as he's done for me. I feel really bad that your wife is acting this way.
I would sit down and talk to her about it.0 -
Women normally are more detail oriented than men. I know there are exceptions. She may just be very detail oriented and doesn't understand that you are not worried about all the little stuff. You should talk to her about it and try to get her to understand and be supportive of your way. Everyone has to do what works for them. My DH joined MFP with me and we have both been losing weight. I log everything....him...not so much but he's still doing it.
You are doing great!0 -
Just do it your way, it's working!0
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I agree with everyone...sit down and have a CALM conversation with her. Explain to her how it makes you feel when she starts in on you and doesn't recognize the little accomplishments. If she still won't listen, then explain to her that from now on, you will just walk away if she starts to criticize. Each person has a different body and a different personality, and it's not wrong of you to go about things in the way that will work best for you. If you two still can't work it out, see if you can find a neutral third party, possibly even a marriage counselor, who can sit you both down and help you work through it. There is absolutely no shame in going to see a counselor; to me it says that your marriage is important enough to work at it! But you two are seriously butting heads and may need a neutral third party to help you find a compromise agreeable to you both.
Someone suggested not making her salad for her anymore...that might be a good idea. Just explain that since she doesn't like how you make it, she can make it herself.0 -
Like many others have said, I agree that talking is good. But I'm also wondering if it might also be helpful to look more to yourself for motivation, support and a pat on the back when you need one than to her. Easy for me to say, of course: I'm on my own (and I like it that way). I'm not saying it well, but if you could make this more about YOU recognizing YOUR accomplishments, and YOU rewarding YOURSELF when you're done well, it might not be quite so painful when she doesn't give you the level of support you'd like. Make sense?
Finally, I understand the whole OCD scale thing. An awful lot of folks consider it to be the only metric that matters. I'm not among them: feeling better, having more energy, improved stamina, downsizing clothes ... all those things matter more to me than what the scale says. That being said, you're probably not gonna change her mind about it. So you can change what YOU think ... or you can continue to do things your way and not waste energy on how she's doing it.
Edited to add this: Oh, yeah: forgot about the whole salad thing. That's easy -- let her make her own. Sounds like her attitude about them is causing you way more stress than it's worth. Just my $.02.
Hang in there. Like your coach says, get better about tracking. Just stay the course. You WILL get there.0 -
As a former personal trainer.
As a part time strength and conditioning coach to boxers and MMA champions in Ontario, I can tell you this much for certain.
You cannot force anyone to approach fitness your way, you can only assist, support, and encourage them to do it their way, leading by example and your own results if you need to change their course.
If your wife wants to ensure you get pissed off and quit, just let her know she has chosen the perfect path to bring that about.
I think also you should consider walking your own path and she can hers. My GF and I rarely workout together, because we chose to do it differently. We only ever fought when we tried to do it the same.0 -
Thank you one and all. I just want to avoid any unnecessary fighting and stress. I have set goals, big and small, and I am getting there. Trust me, it's not that we dont love each other, she just cant see it from my side and if she did, she still has to make sure that she is the answer not part of the problem. She started in again this morning after she got to do her 6am bootcamp, I take care of the kids in the am. That is our arrangement, I work as a nurse for an agency and usually go in around 11a to 11p. I had asked her to please stop bringing up the calorie counting and tracking of the food, I had been tracking and had planned on putting it in MFPal, she began to get on her pedestal and I asked her to stop, I dont want to fight or argue or resent what is going on, I said I would do it and I would, but when it gets pushed onto my plate everyday, Im starting to not want to do it just to piss her off. My focus is on making sure I eat healthy and get my workout in for the day. I told her the most important thing right now is to get the kids off to school on time. I asked her to help me get them out the door. She has called me since leaving for work. I made her a smaller salad and just left it alone, I just wanted her out the house and out of my hair before she started overanalyzing or retreading old ground. I do love her very much, but its apparent I am not going to get any support from her just criticism. I do believe in myself and I know I am on the right track. Im not wishing anything other than some humility for her and a slice of humble pie. I try to be supportive in all facets of our relationship but I dont understand is why she thinks I will ever do things her way all the time. Its just not realistic, we are two different people that grew up differently. Our approaches to anything are usually pretty different. We tried working out once together, but I dont care to. I dont need the aggravation. Im not a runner, I caught up with her during a run during camp and she kept bumping it up a stride or two to stay ahead. She plays to win, I get that, but winning isnt everything to me, I just wanted to show that I could keep up. I sprinted the last 25 feet and she kept saying Oh I thought you were breathing sooo heavy, I thought you would pass out. Are you sure you are okay? Im lightskinned so when I work out, I vasodilate and Im very flushed/red. I know my limits and I know when to slow down. I can swim for an hour straight with no rest, I stop because of muscle fatigue, so its gravity that is my big enemy at the moment. If I hear any comments toight or in the am, she is fixing her own lunch from now on.0
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I hope things get better for you and I certainly understand your frustration. I get zero reinforcement from my husband, either negative or positive. He's not making any effort to lose the 20-30 pounds he needs to lose. I've even made jokes about my butt at least getting smaller and all I get is a grunt in return. Seriously, a non-committal grunt. If I skip on a high carb meal item, I get questioned about my motives: "is there something wrong with it?" "Are you eating WEIRD (ie. low carb) again?"
I've realized that I have to just do this for me. Whether or not anyone else notices is not important to me because I'm doing this for me. I know that I'm wearing pants today that were far too tight for me to wear last March. I don't expect anyone else to notice and I'm sure no one will.
I hope you're able to communicate to your wife exactly how you're feeling and how her actions are hurting you.0 -
@sfoust66, I hear ya, I just figured she knows me best so she would notice first and say something first. I dont want pity but I would like some encouragement. Congrats on wearing the pants. Most guys I know dont get too worried until their partner starts looking hot, invite him to a class if you go to one, or he can go to a different class. Ive actually had women come up and give me some nice compliments about my intensity and motivation. I even had one girl, who I never talked to, come up and say it was cool to see me again, she didnt know what happened to me. Its nice to know that Im not that bad and I know my wife gets encouraging words from other guys. She looks hot, she looks fit. I get it. Just didnt think it would apply even just a smidge to me. I try to treat everyone the same. I know what it is like to be very big, I still am, but I am well on my way to health and fit. Im only getting older and I want to look good, feel good and do some very fun stuff like the Xtreme games. Just to say I did and I ve been in it. That's all I want, I did tell her that it wasnt helping my outlook and its starting to cross THAT line. I look at myself first to see what is at fault and where I have erred . Im not perfect by any means but I dont seek perfection, Im seeking just being a better me.0
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I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I understand. I lost 90 pounds before meeting my husband, and in the past year I've gained back ALMOST FORTY!!!! I feel like a fat cow, and I just want to lose weight.
I wish he would be more supportive.. for instance.. He'll ask me if I need anything, while doing laundry and I'll ask for a glass of water, and he'll bring me soda. Or I'll ask him to pick up some milk to go with dinner, and he'll come in with a pizza..
My biggest pet peeve, is.. It takes me about 2 minutes to recognize the alarm clock is going off. It takes him about 2 seconds. He turns it off and goes back to sleep, instead of waking me up, or letting me know it's going off.. therefore, 3 out of 5 days, I am sleeping too late to get a work out in.
I want to go for a walk in the evening, and he complains that we need couple time..
And when I did lose 5 pounds, he was like "that's nice honey"..
And 20 minutes later, informs me he lost 20 and is now 10 pounds LIGHTER than me..
It hurts and it's frustrating..
If it helps.. I understand how you feel0 -
I'm sorry that you are having a tough time with this. I am seriously OCD about tracking everything I do on this plan and have been wishing/hoping/praying that my husband would start his own journey. He's very supportive of me and is proud, but he needs to tackle his own weight issues. Late last week, he told me he is now ready - said I inspired him - and he will be doing it his own way. I don't care how he does it - I just want him to do it so we have many more happy years.
Keep up the great work. Boot camps scare me! Let us know how your competition goes in October.0 -
@mrsandrews, my wife keeps hitting the snooze, I know she is up. I usually put the clock or cell phone out of reach of the bed so I have to get up, once Im up, I gotta go, then Im up. Keep at it. Like it has been said, you have to do this for you.
@skcornett, my wife was the one that inspired me, I use to take care of myself, I swam 2 miles a day and ate whatever and it never showed, well, that has bit me in the *kitten*. I know the weight will be coming off, slow but sure, but Im curious to see how my frame will look, Im pretty broad shouldered. Thanks again everyone for the support, I just dont know who else to talk to and it seems everyone has similar issues. I thank you all for your perspectives and opinions.
I was very inspired by Chris Evans transformation and his dedication to working out, hence the Captain America pic, I know I will not look like that but I can perform on the MUD MAN X competitions and that is all that matters to me.0 -
Here's a thought...Make one of those therometer things they use for fund raising goals. In the bulb section put where you started and for the degrees put mini goals. Make one for weight, inches and whatever other ultimate goals you have. Fill in up to where you are and how far you have come. Perhaps (since you are not a logger but are trying to be) this will help her see how far you have come!
It will also be a great visual reference for you too!0 -
I understand completely what you mean about not getting support. I'm trying to be healthy, but my family has a tendency to purchase junk food and when I'm really angry the easiest way out is usually what I want. I'm trying to stop letting them get into my head and their junk into my stomach and on to my hips and thighs. First you need to decide what it is you need from your spouse and then you need to talk with her. If her response isn't what you want to hear then you need to decide how you are going to deal with this. You might also try telling her how much you admire her and appreciate her weight loss. It sounds like she is really intent on staying in shape. She might need some confirmation of how well you think she is doing and how beautiful and hot you think she is. She might be scared that you don't find her attractive and that you might leave her. Keep wooing her and supporting her. Tell her you love her and value her and she just mmight really surprise you.0
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Wow, I can so sympathize with some of you. Any time I tried to diet, my husband would stop at Sonic and buy me a cream slush or a milkshake. When I told him I couldn't eat it, he'd get mad at me, so I'd eat it just to keep the peace. Not sure why he did that. He's out of my life now because he was abusing our daughter and when he got caught he killed himself. So I'm going to do this on my own now, for ME.
My dad aggravated me the other night when we were out at a restaurant. I'd eaten okay, but we were celebrating a birthday and they had ice cream cake. I hadn't allowed for that in my calories for the day, so I politely refused. My dad kept pushing me to eat a piece. I told him, "You have always told me I needed to lose weight...don't sabotage me now!" He backed off and left me alone about it.
Funny how the people we love and who love us are the worst ones about sabotaging our efforts...0 -
Its not a question of how much I love her, I tell her every day. To me she is a marvel, but at the same time, she needs to know that she cannot control everything, it will drive people nuts. We have two beautiful girls and I still love chasing after my wife. She just needs to accept that I will not always do things her way or the way things are written. I follow the spirit of the law, not to the letter but upon the intent it was made. I believe there should be a bit of wiggle room in everything.
On the up side, just finished boot camp and now I have to get the girls ready for dinner then bed. Thank you all.0
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