What to do?
I keep asking myself…what to do…what to do. Nearly three years ago my wife decided to leave because she didn’t like who I had become. She told me that at that point she would rather punch me in the face than look at me. She also wanted to further her career so she left January 2009. Since that time I have worked very hard to change who I had become and improve myself, not for her but for me! I have succeeded in changing my physical appearance and my lifestyle. I am happy with who I am now. I see her about twice a month because she lives 400 miles away and to be honest that has worked for me until now. She is a me, me, me person, she is her own favorite subject, she takes forever to get ready to do anything and always has to one up everyone else.
In any event three years is a long time apart and it will never be the same as it was because I don’t feel the same way. Now here comes the kicker…the one person who cared enough to ask how I was when she left was a female co-worker the same age as my daughter (28). During the last three years we have had lengthy conversations about life in general and other things. We went to functions together and get along really well. She was also married but she filed for divorce because her husband cheated on her . Well its come to a point where there is a connection between us is there on every level and I can be me when I am around her, we have the same interests and have both lost weight.
Here is where I need the advice…do I file for divorce and give this a shot or do I stay married and call it a mid-life crisis?
In any event three years is a long time apart and it will never be the same as it was because I don’t feel the same way. Now here comes the kicker…the one person who cared enough to ask how I was when she left was a female co-worker the same age as my daughter (28). During the last three years we have had lengthy conversations about life in general and other things. We went to functions together and get along really well. She was also married but she filed for divorce because her husband cheated on her . Well its come to a point where there is a connection between us is there on every level and I can be me when I am around her, we have the same interests and have both lost weight.
Here is where I need the advice…do I file for divorce and give this a shot or do I stay married and call it a mid-life crisis?
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Replies
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why haven't you divorced? it's been 3 yrs since she's left...
i'm going through something similar. i always want to make sure i make decisions with a clear head, not clouded by someone, something, or even emotions. i want to make value based decisions on everything and that's what i'm trying to do with my situation.
i wouldn't divorce for another woman.. so if this woman hadn't come along, would you have stayed with your wife?0 -
the last sentence threw me off
buddy, you have been divorced for a while. go through with the legalities.0 -
Are you divorcing your wife for this woman or because it is time? If it's finally the right time or you just needed a kick in the pants to get you to realize that it is past time then i see no problem.
Sounds like you should get a divorce regardless... Odd advice to give a stranger, but you asked
Best of luck to you all!0 -
Whaaaaaat? That was my quick romance novel as I site here in the orthodontist office! Still married? Can I give you my romance novel answer? Divorce-find true love & live happily ever after! But you have the ultimate decision.....will you promise to post your "happily ever after" ?0
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Keep in mind that I am not a marriage counselor...
You said that things were not the same and you don't feel the same way about your wife. Regardless of whether you want to get involved in another relationship, I think you owe it to your wife to be up front with her and tell her that it is time to truly move on. This should not be about the current relationship. It should be about how you feel about your current wife.
A lot can change in 3 years, and maybe she is looking for an "out" to this, too. It seems obvious that she moved on with her life. I can only wonder why, after 3 years, you are still married? But, not mine to question. This is the here and now, and if you really don't feel attached to your wife, I think you should break it off. But, don't do it for the new relationship. Do it for you and for her.
The new relationship is not even an issue, in my opinion, and should not be what you are basing this decision on.0 -
You've been apart for your wife for a long time, and by the sound of it neither have you have worked towards a reconciliation during the past three years. Assuming that is the truth, I would have a talk with her and decide where to go next. If there is no chance of reconciliation - I would say it's time for you to move on with your life.
It might be hard, but I would refrain from a relationship with your friend until you are both legally single. Anything can happen during a divorce/separation.
And good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
^^^This is the gospel truth right here. You just need to make it legal and move on with your life. I would in the meantime pursue the relationship with the woman(she is over 18 so she can make her own decisions) and see where that road leads. Life must go on my friend, and an old Airman like yourself deserves to be happy...lol.buddy, you have been divorced for a while. go through with the legalities.0 -
I will NEVER date someone my child’s age or younger. I will NEVER cheat no matter what our living arrangements are. As long as you are still legally married, you will be breaking a vow. You also said “mid life crisis” so you must know that is probably the case. Long term, it rarely works. Good luck though..0
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It sounds as though your wife has left the marriage long ago,you have not.
I can`t imagine at this point any reconciliation so why torture yourself over it,move on and try to be happy.0 -
This here JT - get it done!the last sentence threw me off
buddy, you have been divorced for a while. go through with the legalities.0 -
Dont start one until one is finished. AND by finished I mean divorced physically, emotionally and financially.
Not sure which state you live in but I sure would hate for ex to get a whif of the new girlfriend and decide to take you to the cleaners.
Just protect yourself and dont base any decisions on your emotions. Sleep on it.0 -
It might not work with the 28 year old, but you know it won't work with your wife. If it were me I would get divorced (why delay something you probably already know you want), and go for the 28 year old, just keep in mind that it might not work out and you will be fine on your own. Gotta be happy with yourself before you can be with someone else right. Oh and just to let you know these things can work, I am 28 and my fiance is 41. His ex wife cheated on him and he had decided to get a divorce and they were separated when he met me. He took that chance and finalized the divorce and I guarantee he is happier now... it's been 3 years. Oh and he has a 21 year old daughter, we get along very well 0
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the last sentence threw me off
buddy, you have been divorced for a while. go through with the legalities.
This^^0 -
You've been apart for your wife for a long time, and by the sound of it neither have you have worked towards a reconciliation during the past three years. Assuming that is the truth, I would have a talk with her and decide where to go next. If there is no chance of reconciliation - I would say it's time for you to move on with your life.
It might be hard, but I would refrain from a relationship with your friend until you are both legally single. Anything can happen during a divorce/separation.
And good luck! :flowerforyou:
^^^ this. . .You need to be honest with your wife and settle that first before making a concrete decision. . . that way nobody gets hurt.. . . I don't know how long you and your wife have been married, but I have seen many marriages work out when people sit down and are honest about what caused the separation to begin with. . Often times there is failure to communicate which causes discention and division. Nothing is impossible. . . but PLEASE take time to think it all through. . and like I said really know what you want before moving on. . . speaking from experience it can cause a lot of pain to all that are involved if not handled right. just my thoughts. Good luck to you. . may you have many blessings and much happiness in your future. . whatever your decision. 0 -
Im sorry but if you're living in separate homes for the past 3 years what is there to save? 400 miles away? if you dont feel the same love you had before its time to let it go and be happy.. Im not saying pursue anyone .. this is a big decision.. and you need to take time to make it... think of how she treated you before .....that should make your decision for you.. someone who truly wholeheartedly loves you.. WIll NEVER be mean and hurtful like that ever! Life is too short....0
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It's so hard to give advice not knowing all the details. I would never advise anyone to get a divorce unless there was abuse involved, failed attempts at counseling, and after both parties have spoken and agree the marriage is over. Remove the 3rd party from the equation and talk to your wife about what to do next. There has to be some reason y'all haven't filed for divorce yet. If it's financial, then you've got to sort all of that out, too. People reconcile at the oddest times, in the most enexpected ways. Talk to your wife.
Life is short, and we all desire happiness and love. You've got to figure out where your happiness lies and what love means to you. Good luck to you.0 -
File for divorce.0
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It's so hard to give advice not knowing all the details. I would never advise anyone to get a divorce unless there was abuse involved, failed attempts at counseling, and after both parties have spoken and agree the marriage is over. Remove the 3rd party from the equation and talk to your wife about what to do next. There has to be some reason y'all haven't filed for divorce yet. If it's financial, then you've got to sort all of that out, too. People reconcile at the oddest times, in the most enexpected ways. Talk to your wife.
Life is short, and we all desire happiness and love. You've got to figure out where your happiness lies and what love means to you. Good luck to you.
and this...... this is what my husband would have said. i always turn everything into a financial transaction.0 -
You and your wife need to settle things between you before you contemplate another relationship. You two have lived apart for 3 years yet neither of you have filed for divorce. Why? There is no such thing as a "perfect" husband or wife. We make mistakes, we hurt each other, but you don't give up until ALL of the feelings/love are gone. You need to search YOUR soul and be truthful about what you want for your future and find out how your wife feels. This young gal should not even be a part of the equation. She is an outsider, good listener or not. Best wishes.0
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Part of the reason why we are still married after three years is this...I live a very comfortable life. I am retired military and I work for the Government as a civilian. I own my own home, a corvette, camaro, truck, boat, two motorcycles and have plenty in the bank. I pay all the bills that were created together, the wife keeps her money and pays for her vehicle and cell phone and lives with her mom in south Tx. She will get half no matter what because I live in Texas. I have stayed because I spent 3 years working on me. Now I am happy with me and see opportunities out there for me to be truly happy. Please keep in mind this is for me, not because of someone. I would like to pursue this opportunity and I know it might not work but atleast it would be better than spending all of my time married to someone I see twice a month and the rest of my time working out and alone.0
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Jeff,
I can relate. Make it official. Move on. Many before me, and even you have said, not for her or for the former marriage, or even the current relationship, but for you.
Cut ties, and find a relationship that fits the new you!
Best to you, bud!
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Part of the reason why we are still married after three years is this...I live a very comfortable life. I am retired military and I work for the Government as a civilian. I own my own home, a corvette, camaro, truck, boat, two motorcycles and have plenty in the bank. I pay all the bills that were created together, the wife keeps her money and pays for her vehicle and cell phone and lives with her mom in south Tx. She will get half no matter what because I live in Texas. I have stayed because I spent 3 years working on me. Now I am happy with me and see opportunities out there for me to be truly happy. Please keep in mind this is for me, not because of someone. I would like to pursue this opportunity and I know it might not work but atleast it would be better than spending all of my time married to someone I see twice a month and the rest of my time working out and alone.
Sounds like you've already made your decision then. Best wishes for happiness!0 -
Yes this. Why put your life on hold? Give yourself a shot at being happy with a woman who will be good for you.the last sentence threw me off
buddy, you have been divorced for a while. go through with the legalities.0 -
It sounds as though your wife has left the marriage long ago,you have not.
I can`t imagine at this point any reconciliation so why torture yourself over it,move on and try to be happy.
^this... Sign all your stuff over to a trusted family Member so she cant touch it!0 -
Finish what you started, JT. We are different people with different needs when we are truly alone. Learn who you are when you are really alone before looking at what fits. It would be a little like me shopping for new pants right now. They would look better than the old ones which are looking mighty baggy, but they wouldn't fit at all when I lost the other 30 lbs.0
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Should have added that it's probably ok for pants, which are somewhat disposable in nature, but your lady friend is worth much more than that. 0
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Really? In Texas you get half in a divorce? Oh, I guess I had that option, both previous divorces, but opted out of that, because that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be fair and walk away with what was rightfully mine, not clean house and take him for half of everything he had. But, that's me.
So, why do you see her twice a month? Does she know you and the co-worker go to functions together? Does she see other people? Are you ready to throw in the towel? If you are now a new person that you are happy with and she still can't see it, it seems like it might be time to sever the ties, BUT for that reason alone, NOT for the co-worker. She should not be any part of the decision to stay together or divorce.0 -
Really? In Texas you get half in a divorce? Oh, I guess I had that option, both previous divorces, but opted out of that, because that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be fair and walk away with what was rightfully mine, not clean house and take him for half of everything he had. But, that's me.
So, why do you see her twice a month? Does she know you and the co-worker go to functions together? Does she see other people? Are you ready to throw in the towel? If you are now a new person that you are happy with and she still can't see it, it seems like it might be time to sever the ties, BUT for that reason alone, NOT for the co-worker. She should not be any part of the decision to stay together or divorce.
I wish more women had your attitude towards divorce. A significant number of women and their lawyers try to put it to the guys. In my case the military's Former Spouse Benefit Act kicks in... Basically would get half of my military retirement, no matter what state I would file in. I would also have to pay for her medical coverage and she would get my survivor benefit plan. Meaning if I did divorce her and remarry and I died, the first wife would get 55% of my retirement for life and the current wife gets nothing. The other part is, if she were to get remarried I wouldn't have to pay her medical but if she divorces or becomes a widow then I have to go back to paying for it.
She left so I don't feel that I should have to give up anything that I bought and paid for with my hard work and own money. She has never made a house payment or put money in the bank but she sure did love to spend it. This is the Federal Governments way of thanking military veterans for their service! But in reality it makes me a slave to her for the rest of my life!0
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