talking to a loved one about weight loss
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GreenGettingLean
Posts: 252 Member
Long story short: I very much want to talk to my mom about the need for her to lose weight. However, I don't want to upset her or overstep my bounds.
She has struggled her entire life with weight and has been morbidly obese for as long as I can remember. Her metabolism is totally out of whack (she's the "eats 700 calories a day" person, with all of those calories coming in the form of junk food at night) I recently learned that her doctor put her on high blood pressure medicine, which really alarmed me. Recently, she had what she called a "heart attack scare." Not totally sure what that means, but it would scare the hell out of me. She's only 43. I don't want to lose my mom to obesity. She and my dad divorced when I was a kid, and all of her family lives out of the area. I'm definitely her strongest support system and closest friend, not to mention I'm her daughter, and I want her around to see her grandkids.
The good signs: She acknowledges my progress and even made a MFP account, but hasn't used it or logged on in a long time. My mom also recently joined Weight Watchers, but doesn't actually keep track of her points and has only attended a few meetings. This is a very personal and sensitive issue for me, one that I've been struggling with for years. My mom is like my best friend, and I know that she's hiding many other issues behind her weight. I just want to see her happy and healthy.
What should I do, if anything at all? Any advice is appreciated, as I really have no idea where to go from here.
She has struggled her entire life with weight and has been morbidly obese for as long as I can remember. Her metabolism is totally out of whack (she's the "eats 700 calories a day" person, with all of those calories coming in the form of junk food at night) I recently learned that her doctor put her on high blood pressure medicine, which really alarmed me. Recently, she had what she called a "heart attack scare." Not totally sure what that means, but it would scare the hell out of me. She's only 43. I don't want to lose my mom to obesity. She and my dad divorced when I was a kid, and all of her family lives out of the area. I'm definitely her strongest support system and closest friend, not to mention I'm her daughter, and I want her around to see her grandkids.
The good signs: She acknowledges my progress and even made a MFP account, but hasn't used it or logged on in a long time. My mom also recently joined Weight Watchers, but doesn't actually keep track of her points and has only attended a few meetings. This is a very personal and sensitive issue for me, one that I've been struggling with for years. My mom is like my best friend, and I know that she's hiding many other issues behind her weight. I just want to see her happy and healthy.
What should I do, if anything at all? Any advice is appreciated, as I really have no idea where to go from here.
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Replies
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my mom has lots of health issues as well with high blood pressure and diabetes. i would love for her to join me here as well but she hasnt wanted to yet.. im hoping that seeing me lose the weight will make her want to join.0
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I would definitely try to talk to her about it! She obviously wants to do it if she has joined MFP, and has been paying for WW.
I know that's it a tough subject to discuss, and even if it upsets her, it's probably more because she know what she has to do and is scared, more than you talking to her about it. The only thing that I CAN say (being in her shoes), is that if you are not ready to be 100% commited, you will probably not succeed... ;(
My mom lives about 6 hours away from me, but she is by far my strongest support (Other than my husband who is FANTASTIC, but just doesn't get it!)
Wish I could offer more advice...
I will be thinking of you, and hope that you can help your mom out!!
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Unfortunately, you are doing what you can do. You cannot change your Mom, no matter how much you want to. If you keep showing success and stick to your plan, she may be inspired by you to make changes.
My daughter needs to lose weight but if I say anything to her, it becomes an ugly scene. Instead, I talk about my work outs (without expecting her to join me) or when she is over for dinner, I make a very healthy meal. I read Oxygen magazine and Women's Health ( although I prefer Oxygen). I leave the magazines on the coffee table and she will leaf through them.
Lately, she has instituted some changes herself and has started walking a lot and asked to borrow some dumbells so she could work her arms. I lent her the weights and don't ask her how it is going. I noticed she had lost weight and told her that I did...but I don't go on about it. She needs to change herself.
No amount of nagging will make anybody change...it has to come from within.0 -
in my experience, it's REALLY hard to make someone change if they are unwilling or don't care to. maybe you could keep talking about how great you feel and your progress and inspire her. maybe go shopping together and pick out some nice clothes that are a little snug that you know she could fit into when she loses weight? or maybe go on walks with her and sign up for a 1k walk/run and work up to a 5k- it could be a great bonding experience. maybe you can suggest that its been a dream of yours to go something like that with her and you can take baby steps toward that goal? or you can tell her how much you love her and getting in shape makes you realize the importance of health and you want her around for a long time so you wish she could join you on your journey toward good health?
just some suggestions :-)
good luck!0 -
Just stick to it yourself. You can't force anyone to do anything, but you can influence them... Maybe she needs to see the results first hand to finally commit to losing weight herself.
Can you cook a meal for her, go for a walk together?
But I personally wouldn't ask her to lose the weight or anything like that... She KNOWS she needs to. Sometimes it take a long time before someone is ready for all the hard work that comes with it.
Hope your mom will see the light (the good kind). She's too young to suffer from heart disease...
Best of luck to you both. :flowerforyou:0 -
So sorry your mom is not fully onboard yet! I have the same problem with my mom, and I'm the 43 year old in this situation (she's 66). She eats few calories, but mostly cookies and then buys diet pills and fad items. The last time we talked, she had bought a freakin' "fitness belt" from Walgreens that is supposed to make you sweat or some such nonsense. I gave her this web address again, and at least she wrote it down this time. I wish I had some insight, but they just won't do this until they're ready. My mom's doctor has insisted that she lose 10 pounds, so I'm HOPING she takes this warning to heart. I did warn her not to mention the diet pills or fitness belt on the forums here! Can you even imagine? Good luck to you. I really hope your mom decides to commit!0
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Thanks everyone for your support and feedback. The subject has come up in the past, but only in a fleeting or superficial way. What I would like to do is ask her to see a nutritionist and offer to go with her to the appointment for support. Hey, we could all use time with a nutritionist, right? I think deep down she knows something must change, but as we all know, you can't change for anyone but yourself. But I see her medical issues flaring up more and more these days, and I can't imagine something happening to her because of something that I could've helped her overcome had I spoken up. 0 -
I have a similar issue with my Daughter.
My wife and I have been trying to get her to realize that she is gaining weight and she needs to "nip it" now while she is only 15 pounds overwight rather than when she is 50 pounds overweight. she is only 18 and living away from home. We hear all the time how she is "working out" but when we saw her recently we could tell she had gained. It's a struggle as a parent to give the tough love speech but that's what we did. I plan on introducing her to this sight when we bring her home this weekend.
Did any of you have your parents give you a talk about weight? and if they did, did you resent them for that?
Ed0 -
I would definitely try to talk to her about it! She obviously wants to do it if she has joined MFP, and has been paying for WW.
I don't know about that. We all know there's a significant difference between people who talk about losing weight and people who actually take action. Joining MFP and paying for WW don't qualify as taking action to me. I can buy spiffy new sets of knives and pans, but it doesn't make me a chef.
The only advice I can give is to be completely honest and compassionate with her. Once she knows why you're concerned, and she's educated about the changes she needs to make, it's her choice. That is all there is. That's the worst part of it really. You feel like you're trapped when you see loved once make choices that aren't healthy. But hey, parents do that all the time with their kids.0 -
Unfortunately, you are doing what you can do. You cannot change your Mom, no matter how much you want to. If you keep showing success and stick to your plan, she may be inspired by you to make changes.
No amount of nagging will make anybody change...it has to come from within.
I agree 100%! I think the best option is to give your mom all the tools you can give her, and maybe throw her some SUBTLE hints like "I cant wait for you to meet your grandkids in 15 years", etc. Just so that she knows you expect her to be there in the future. My mom struggles with diabetes as well and has trouble eating "healthy" foods, but she has been making an effort to at least cook one healthy meal a week. Maybe you could do the same for your mom since you live so close, make a healthy meal that tastes good to show her it doesn't have to be terrible once a week. Plus it will be quality time spent and less intrusive on her lifestyle.0 -
Did any of you have your parents give you a talk about weight? and if they did, did you resent them for that?
Ironically, my mom has been giving me the talk on weight my whole life! I was born with a dislocated hip (fixable with surgery), so it is imperative that I stay small to keep excess strain off the hip. And yes, throughout my teen years, I resented it very much - particularly considering that I was always on the smaller side anyway. Which may be why I'm now hesitant to have the same talk with her. But I think that's an unusual example, she was just doing her best to keep me healthy.0 -
Lead by example. Talk positively about your experience here. Show your excitement. It is contagious. Invite her to join or just sit with you while you are on the site. Ask if she would like to do it with you as your support. :flowerforyou:0
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Oh wow... your note brings tears to my eyes.
I lost my mom to morbid obesity 4 years ago. My mom, like yours was one of those 700 calories a day in junk food at nite when she couldn't sleep. My mom had "indigestion" for four days-- which was really a heart attack, but no one around her knew the signs of a heart attack in females. So my brother and sis in law, kept telling her to take tums.... (I live in another state)
She was 67.
But--see what's up... Why doesn't she track points? Is she fearful of what she'll find out? Is it a PITA for her to do so (Weight Watchers for some is more effort than worth). Is Mom by herself? Could it be that prepping meals for one is just too difficult? And this one is tough for us all -- is she fearful of success? Does she not think she can handle it? Controlling personalities or strong personalities have everything in check -- except an area or two. For us foodies -- its our eating-- but we can do it "anytime". When I realized the struggle of losing weight was as hard for me as it was/is-- man, that knocked me down several notches...
I've said on other posts -- there's a lot of psychosis to deal with in losing weight... its not just measuring calories and servings. See if she'll open up and drill down to see what's keeping her from being successful. I'll keep you both in my thoughts.0 -
I have a similar issue with my Daughter.
My wife and I have been trying to get her to realize that she is gaining weight and she needs to "nip it" now while she is only 15 pounds overwight rather than when she is 50 pounds overweight. she is only 18 and living away from home. We hear all the time how she is "working out" but when we saw her recently we could tell she had gained. It's a struggle as a parent to give the tough love speech but that's what we did. I plan on introducing her to this sight when we bring her home this weekend.
Did any of you have your parents give you a talk about weight? and if they did, did you resent them for that?
Ed
Maybe I'm not interpreting your situation correctly, but you're going to give her a tough love speech b/c of her freshman 15?0 -
... im hoping that seeing me lose the weight will make her want to join.
Agreed! This is how we can change things, by being examples. It's difficult to broach such a sensitive and complex subject with anyone, unless they're ready for it. Unless they're ready, confronting them will only alienate and further continue their downward spiral. Your mom's current health issues are a concern. Her doctor should bring up the obesity with her, along with treating the symptoms. Keep on your path, you will be an enormous support system for her.0 -
the freshman 15 happened in about 13 weeks. We had a conversation about weight with her before she left for
school and warned her how easy it would be to develop into bad habbits, However when we would talk to her she
would always mention her workouts. I guess it wasn't much of a tough love speech more of a "you don't want to make the freshman 15 a freshman 30.
It was uncomfortable to address with her as you don't want to "nag" however we don't want to wait till she is 50 pounds overweight
to discuss.0 -
the freshman 15 happened in about 13 weeks. We had a conversation about weight with her before she left for
school and warned her how easy it would be to develop into bad habbits, However when we would talk to her she
would always mention her workouts. I guess it wasn't much of a tough love speech more of a "you don't want to make the freshman 15 a freshman 30.
It was uncomfortable to address with her as you don't want to "nag" however we don't want to wait till she is 50 pounds overweight
to discuss.
As a more direct answer to your question, but I wouldn't have been in the quite the same position. Being a guy, and having a fairly long torso that hides extra weight really well, I probably would have had to have gained 30 lbs + extra lbs before having my parents notice. Then again, at 18 I was still eating 6 full meals/ day and not blinking *grumble*. I wish someone had mentioned something around the age of 24 or 25, though.0 -
Oh wow... your note brings tears to my eyes.
I lost my mom to morbid obesity 4 years ago. My mom, like yours was one of those 700 calories a day in junk food at nite when she couldn't sleep. My mom had "indigestion" for four days-- which was really a heart attack, but no one around her knew the signs of a heart attack in females. So my brother and sis in law, kept telling her to take tums.... (I live in another state)
She was 67.
But--see what's up... Why doesn't she track points? Is she fearful of what she'll find out? Is it a PITA for her to do so (Weight Watchers for some is more effort than worth). Is Mom by herself? Could it be that prepping meals for one is just too difficult? And this one is tough for us all -- is she fearful of success? Does she not think she can handle it? Controlling personalities or strong personalities have everything in check -- except an area or two. For us foodies -- its our eating-- but we can do it "anytime". When I realized the struggle of losing weight was as hard for me as it was/is-- man, that knocked me down several notches...
I've said on other posts -- there's a lot of psychosis to deal with in losing weight... its not just measuring calories and servings. See if she'll open up and drill down to see what's keeping her from being successful. I'll keep you both in my thoughts.
I got a little teary writing it
As for your questions, I think it's yes to all of them. Tracking calories is time consuming, weight loss is hard, it's just me and her at home, she works long hours, etc etc. Thanks for your kind words, and I will be sure to update in the future! 0 -
Did any of you have your parents give you a talk about weight? and if they did, did you resent them for that?
Ed
Yes, my Mom was after me about my weight, and yes I did resent it, and even rebelled against it. From my perspective, young women in this culture are well aware of it if they are overweight. When my daughter was little I tried to serve healthy foods so that would become her habits, but never fussed about her weight, as I would rather she feel good about her body, no matter what. Now that she's college age, I would not be critical of any weight gain, but supportive if she was requesting help. She has put on the freshman fifteen, but is still a healthy weight. Personally, I think there is so much pressure to be thin, that I wouldn't want to add to that. I loved my Mom, but her comments about my weight are still wounds, even though she is gone. I know she didn't intend to hurt me, but rather wanted to help, but hurt is what resulted. Just my experiences. Good luck to you and your daughter.0 -
Thanks msiamjan
I appreciate your input.
exactly what I was looking for.0
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