What the heck is wrong with me?!?!?!!????

╰☆╮PilatesPOPster╰☆╮ · October 2011

I start the day off good. But as the day goes on I get worse and worse. I stress eat. I boredom eat. I eat just because I stress ate and boredom ate so I start feeling like "why not. I already failed for the day". I don't know what the heck is wrong with me!
I have my goals in sight. I don't want diabetes. I don't want to end up soooo sick like my biological father. I don't want all the illnesses that come with being overweight! I want to be around for me kids for a long long time. I'm only 21 YO and I have my entire life ahead of me! I want to be happy and healthy and have self confidence! I want to feel pretty again.......
WHY do I keep sabotaging myself?

I feel like such a failure. I'm failing myself. I'm failing my kids.

And worst of all......I recently got into a HUGE fight with my fathers wife. She is so over weight that her health is at risk. She can't walk well, she cant brush her own hair, clean her own house or bathe herself. She lives in filth and for a week my kids and I were staying with her. I snapped. I couldn't stand living in the filth and I refused to be a maid, or bathe a grown women, to someone who, if she would just get off her *kitten* and lose some weight, could do these things on her own. But she refuses.
But how am I any better? Yes, I can clean, cook, bathe myself, and do everything on my own. I do not depend on anyone for these things. BUT...I'm basically refusing to do anything about my weight. And while it's not to the extreme as hers, how am I any better? I meant everything I said in the argument her and I had...but maybe the things I said to her are things that *I* needed to hear about myself as well? That's depressing. I don't want to be anything like that women. I can't stand her as a person. I hate what she's all about....and it pisses me off that in a way I am just like her (as far as the weight aspect).

SO...WHY is that not enough to motivate me? I feel alone. My boyfriend is losing pounds every time he turns around! He doesn't even try! My daughter is naturally skinny. I'm sure my son will be too once he grows out of the baby fat stage. It's frustrating that I have to work so hard and being thin doesnt come so naturally for me. But I know that that is life and I have to accept it.

I'm rambling- sorry.
Every time I get like this I look at a picture I have. 1 week after my daughter was born, he was in ICU...just woke up from basically being dead, and he was holding my daughter...it was the 2nd time he had seen her. (first time was the day she was born- next day he was hospitalized) all because of his weight. This picture makes me 1) angry at my father for not taking care of himself. 2) cry my eyes our and 3) feel motivated to get off my behind and do something to avoid ending up in that same situation.
But as soon as I put that photo away and it leaves my mind...that's it. I lose motivation all over again. I want to tape it to my mirror or something but I can't handle seeing it all the time.

What is wrong with me?!!!

groomchick · October 2011

You are beating yourself up.... Don't you think you would respond better to dangling carrots than beating yourself with a club. Forgive yourself for being human and start again.:flowerforyou:

JamesonsMommy · October 2011

First of all *HUGS* try making healthy snacks more available

If the bad stuff isn't there to eat you won't eat it

good luck on your journey

Butterbuns30 · October 2011

All I can do is hug you because I feel the same exact way (she says while sitting at laptop, eating a hersheys with almonds bar and an orange soda). *Sigh* this is going to be a very tough road.

carlitamargarita · October 2011

All your reasons for losing weight are good ones, but of course the best reason to do it is for yourself - because you will feel better. Looking better is just a bonus. I too, often feel like it's too much effort, but you know, if I come here every day and track what I've eaten and put in my exercise - it makes me feel good! Not only to see that I am doing well, but to actually feel better, both physically AND mentally after having had a work out! We had a "Biggest winner" contest at work. One of my friends came in 2nd. She is significantly overweight, works full time and has 2 little kids. Just going to the gym after work and walking the treadmill saw her lose a significant amount of body fat! I am so proud of her! I, on the other hand, was working hard at work, not eating as much as I should have, was doing more weight training than cardio and managed to gain weight!!! I am "only" 2 pounds overweight, based upon my BMI, but I am 30 pounds heavier than I was when I graduated from college. I was sooo disappointed. In the last year I have been working out, doing boot camp, etc, but I didn't see any results. HOWEVER! This past week, I decided to start all over again. I am focusing on the cardio and eating small, frequent meals and you know what? I"ve already lost 3 pounds!! In less than a week! You CAN do it! Just remember that it's one step at a time. Slow and steady wins the race! Good luck!

dmpizza · October 2011

Just relax.
You are fine and you are nothing like the person you think you are.
You list your goal as 21 pounds. Is that all? You write like you have 300 pounds to lose.
I strongly suggest you get whatever counseling you can afford.
I am sure there are clinics where you can afford a therapist.

Best of luck to you.

msfitmom · October 2011

Nothing whatsoever is wrong with you. That's the first thing you need to understand.

If any of this were easy, there wouldn't be a multimillion dollar industry out there devoted to weight loss and fitness. There wouldn't be millions of people on Weight Watchers. There wouldn't be thousands of people on this site.

There is nothing wrong with you. You're human, and you sometimes allow your emotions to guide your decisions about food.

Stop.

Make a plan. Many people think that they can just change years of behavior one day with the snap of a finger. That is an unrealistic expectation.

Make a plan. Sit down with a pen and paper and decide what you want in terms of health and well-being. Not just weight loss, but feeling physically and mentally better. What will you TRULY need to get there? Being skinny will not help your situation with your father and stepmother. So really think about what you need - what do you need to be happy, long term?

Once that's on paper, figure out what you will have to do to get there. Will you have to lose weight? Maybe. Will you have to carve out an hour a day to take a walk? Maybe. Will you need to spend one day a week cooking healthy food or cleaning out your pantry or moving the TV out of your bedroom? Maybe.

Make a plan. Write it down, and read it every. single. day. Then decide on ONE thing you're going to do each day that will get you closer to your goal.

That's it. Don't leave your life, your happiness, and your health to chance. Take control of it, one do-able step at a time. You're allowed to feel sorry for yourself a little. And this post was that. Now, take a deep breath and own your life. Take the necessary steps to make it yours. For you, for your kids. Start now with that plan, and begin your journey tomorrow.

Feel free to message me if you need help and more motivation. I feel your pain, believe me. And it's possible to make a change for the better, I promise you.

sjtreely · October 2011

Unless you're hungry, food isn't the answer. To become the person you're meant to be, seek out what the real problem is and deal with it.

prettyprpro · October 2011

Hey girly, I read your entire post. And I want to let you know that there is nothing wrong with you. We are all human beings and we all have that sense of "why am I talking about someone when I need to do it too." First thing first, STOP comparing yourself to others. You can only do what YOU can do. You control your own destiny. Take this losing weight thing one day at a time. Count your calories. If you fall off the horse, get it back on it again. I wish you the best of luck in this journey.

banjobaby · October 2011

"But how am I any better?"

first of all you are here! you are acknowledging that you need/ want to get healthy. that's huge. we all make mistakes, we all slip up. it happens. but the mere fact that you are being conscious of these problems you are having (boredom eating etc) is a sign that things are changing for you. in my experience, this whole getting healthy thing is a process. it doesn't happen over night.

stop comparing yourself to everyone else and no that nothing is wrong with you. finding that inner motivation - that pull to become healthy, to work your butt off (literally) for what you want - is not easy! but you can do it! just keep going, one foot in front of the other. one day at a time. that's it. just keep trying. eventually you will look back and those one days will have become months and then a year...

also, please know that you are not alone! so many of us feel exactly like you do!

brooke4fitness · October 2011

I'm 25 years older than you. The choices you make TODAY determine where you will be when you're my age. Don't let yourself feel like a victim. It sounds like you haven't exactly been raised with good roles models. But you're in control now. Find some. Do it for you. Picture in your mind what you want to be 10 years from now. 20 years from now. You can be that! If you focus, your kids will have an advantage because they WILL have been raised with a good role model.

You can do this! We're all on your side cheering you on.

savannahd18 · October 2011

I completely agree. I understand that when you are stress eating, it really is only the salty, crunchy, sweet, etc snacks that feel and taste good, but try to have fruits and veggies instead, you can eat so much more with so much less calories. Good luck!

╰☆╮PilatesPOPster╰☆╮ · October 2011

Just relax.
You are fine and you are nothing like the person you think you are.
You list your goal as 21 pounds. Is that all? You write like you have 300 pounds to lose.
I strongly suggest you get whatever counseling you can afford.
I am sure there are clinics where you can afford a therapist.

Best of luck to you.

I am 21 YEARS OLD. I have 100 pounds to lose. my ticker says 21 because that is set to my mini goals. 21 pounds until I reach my first mini goal...

BetsyC23 · October 2011

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You have built some bad habits you need to change. Who doesn't have that issue? And, I'm betting you spent years building those habits so it's probably going to take a long time to change them. Maybe that motivation of your father isn't the right one for you. You aren't losing the weight for him. Maybe reminding yourself that losing weight was not part of his life, isn't the key. Maybe you need to decide why the weight is important to you and, like another member suggested, make a list of things that relate only to you and your life goals. Not your father's life. Not his wife's. Yours.

2ht2hand1e · October 2011

If it really was just as easy as getting up and moving around more ppl would be a healthy weight. I really commend you for your openness and you you could not have laid out more important motivating factors...I see a lot of my past behaviors as similar to that of a hoarders. The ppl around a hoarder tend not to understand why they do not "just clean their house," but it takes learning a lot of new skills and a lot lot of finding new ways to satisfy what food or (objects for a hoarder) does....My advice is to just not give up. Keep logging food, keep making short and long term goals to be healthy for your family....You do not want your children to feel the same as you do about your father. Show them success. You want them to achieve their dreams and you are their first and biggest example....It is wonderful that you recognize a problem and you are motivated to change. Those are the first few steps....Next choose a behavior and make that your goal for the upcoming week...A tough one is eating out of boredom...One goal I made for myself was to put a sign on the fridge that read, "Stop. If you are bored and not hungry, take a walk instead." or stretch or scrapbook or whatever away from the kitchen....then when you do that you can tell all of your friends and myfitnesspal supporters about your non-scale VICTORY!!!! I look forward to reading about all of the benifits you find on your journey to better health! GOOO GIRLL!!!!!!!!!

Silvercivic · October 2011

I asked myself that same question last night when I ate everything in my house after I had finished logging for the day. I tend to eat more when I'm tired so I guess that contributed to it... I felt like a loser idiot.

Anyway, we all go through these struggles and it is good that you can post about it on MFP. I owned up to last night's "failure", and it helped me stay on track today. I logged all of my foods before the day even began and I just focused on sticking with my plan. Losing weight is really hard and I'm beginning to realize that I will probably experience a few "bad" days every once in a while. (I had a good 3 week run before last night's disaster....) But if I can bounce back from those bad days and stick with this healthier lifestyle then I will be just fine!

Sounds like you are motivated to make a change- so do it! Try logging all of tomorrow's foods right now. Plan what you will do for your workout. And then stick to the plan!

briehill · October 2011

Don't beat yourself up over it. Try and exercise. Try and eat well. But if you don't do it one day don't stress out. There's always tomorrow. The other thing with the whole eating thing. If you know you stress eat and eat out of boredom try and do something else when you find yourself doing it (preferably before you start doing it) If you're sitting watching tv and find that you really want to just munch on something and you know it's just because you're bored not because you're actually hungry then go play with your kids, or go for a walk, what ever works for you. Also if you find that you're eating a lot of unhealthy things try not to buy them. I know you have kids so you probably have a lot of stuff for them but I"m assuming they're young enough that you can still shape what their eating habits are since you said you were 21. Get them eating right now and that will help you as well.

Something else you might want to do since you are concerned about your health, make a list of the things you'll miss out on with your kids if you don't get it under control now. It might help you motivate you. Put it someplace that you'll come across it on and off through the day to remind you why you want to lose weight. You can also take pictures of yourself now and put them up on the fridge or pantry so when you want to stress eat you see that and maybe it'll make you think twice about reaching for those cookies. Especially if you have pictures of yourself when you were smaller next to them.

Really understand where you coming from with the whole thing because I've been the heavy one in my family for most of my life. My older brother couldn't gain weight for years when he was trying but just looking at a brownie seemed to put weight on me. Good luck with everything!

nakedskeleton · October 2011

hi, well i used to boredom eat a lot as well... but it's more about self control at first. healthy alternatives and making the proper choices when you're feeling the itch to eat something. also, drink more water. it reduces cravings and hunger. no, you don't have to deprive yourself of all the good stuff, but you should avoid generally unhealthy food like fast food or soda. allow yourself one unhealthy food a day; set limits for yourself and even if you mess up, forgive it and try to keep to your goals for the rest of the day.

try other stress relievers, like yoga or going for a short walk.
before you grab for that snack, stop, and think to yourself "am i really hungry?" if you're not, try to put it down and grab some water and maybe go for a walk or try to relax and stretch. it's a difficult habit to break, but it's also connected to other aspects of our life, other than just eating.
loosing weight and becoming healthy is a lifestyle choice, so try to come up with ways to stress less and listen to your body more than your cravings.

sagetracey · October 2011

It seems you are focussing on where you don't want to be i.e. like your father and his wife. Perhaps you could try re-focussing on where you DO want to be. I have a list of how I will feel about different things as I lose weight. It's coming true. I hope this helps.

Good luck.

FrancesGallagher · October 2011

Probably you need to STOP beating yourself up and concentrate on your successes. Negative thoughts and action do nothing except replace the time you should have positive thoughts and actions. Use the food diary, record what you eat, have three meals every day (healthy foods) and a couple of snacks (an orange, apple, pear, which ever you like). The only person you can change is YOU. You can not change your father or his wife and if they choose to live as they do it is their choice, you are not responsible for that. Your responsibility is YOURSELF and your children (or child). If it stresses you too much to see your father and his wife, then try to make your contacts with them less. If there is any way to help them it might be to check with adult service through human services in your area and possibly an adult social worker could help them if they are disabled and not able to take care of themselves. It sounds as if your father's wife is a sick person and could be a self abuse case (because she doesn't do ordinary daily care of her body or living space), Good luck in whatever you decide to do but please remember that is their life and you have to make the most of yours. God bless and strenghten you, fg

╰☆╮PilatesPOPster╰☆╮ · October 2011

You guys are wonderful! Thanks for all the responses!

geekymom57 · October 2011

SO...WHY is that not enough to motivate me? I feel alone. My boyfriend is losing pounds every time he turns around! He doesn't even try! My daughter is naturally skinny. I'm sure my son will be too once he grows out of the baby fat stage. It's frustrating that I have to work so hard and being thin doesnt come so naturally for me. But I know that that is life and I have to accept it.

OK, I'm going to be a bit blunt. You're 21, you have two children who appear to be 3 and 1? 4 and 2?, you have 100 pounds to lose, an apparently unhealthy biological father and a morbidly obese stepmother. You don't mention whether your boyfriend is the father or both or either child, so that's another variable that could be in the equation. And he's losing weight without really trying, which many of us have seen in our households--my husband can lose weight very quickly as well. Very frustrating when I'm doing so much to lose so little but that's the way it is and it's not going to change.

So--you have a LOT of "stuff" going on in your life and what seems to be little or no support system. Perhaps you eat because you can--it's one of the few parts of your life you control and it gives you some sort of comfort that you're not getting elsewhere.

I quoted this part of your post because I think you're missing an important piece of why you need to do to this. You need to be healthy first and foremost for you and then for your kids. But it's my strong belief that this is also an opportunity to show your children how to cope with life and how to control the things they can control. Your daughter may be naturally skinny, but if she sees you use food as a coping mechanism, guess what she'll learn. This is huge to me. I wasn't born fat and I was a pretty normal-sized kid until my father died when I was in 3rd or 4th grade and all of sudden, food started making more and more of an appearance in our house as a comfort food. I developed habits that are taking me decades to change. Your son needs to see you model healthy eating or he'll grow up thinking "Hey! I'm a guy and guys don't need to watch what they eat because they can lose weight easily with little effort."

So my bottom line is that taking control of what you eat is an important step for you AND to role model for your young children what you want them to learn about food. There's no guarantee naturally skinny kids stay that way.

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!?!!????

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