What would you do? - Mopey, girly, relationship question

photo_kyla
photo_kyla Posts: 322 Member
edited October 3 in Chit-Chat
I'm in a long distance relationship. I lived in Italy from January-June this year and started dating my boyfriend there at the beginning of February. We have talked about it a lot and want to stay together in the future, but right now all definite plans are up in the air because of his work, visa issues, and my schooling. The basic idea is that sometime within the next 2 years he will come to the US to work here and I will move to that city and we'll get a place together. Until then it's just long distance and vacations when we can manage. He did come to visit me in the US for 6 weeks in August and September and I plan to go to visit him for 2-3 weeks over Christmas.

His work is insanely busy, so often the only time we get to talk is on weekends. Usually he'll say "Let's talk on Wednesday evening after work" but when Wednesday has rolled around, all hell has broken loose at work and he's putting out fires there until he has to RUN to catch the last train home. He only has internet at work of at an internet cafe (they close at 9:30pm), so he can't contact me from home, and usually by the time he gets there he only has energy to eat and collapse before getting up the next morning and going again.
He tried to text me shortly after I moved back but it didn't work. His cell provider charged him $3 and the text never went through. He also hasn't had time to find a calling card there with anything close to reasonable rates to call me, but I can here so I call him. The only way he can get in touch with me is through facebook or Skype.
We have a general plan to Skype on Saturdays but about half the time, he doesn't show up. I'll wait for half an hour to an hour and then call and he always apologizes profusely and has a reason (he ended up having to work, he fell asleep and didn't realize the time, he was talking to his family [on the other side of the world] on the phone, etc.) and we'll talk for 30-45minutes (or until my phone card runs out) and make a date for Sunday. Those he *usually* makes.
This week was typical: we rescheduled Wednesday and Thursday. He didn't show up Saturday so I called and a) he had just gotten done talking to his family and b) the temperature just dropped and he's worried he'll get sick if he spends too much time outside. (The internet cafe is a 30 minute walk.) We talked for 45 minutes (phone card died) and made a date to Skype today at 7:30pm his time, 10:30am mine, at his request to finish catching up and continue our conversation.
Today I got up, got dressed etc, got on the computer by 9am and started on homework while waiting. Five minutes before our scheduled time, he sent me a message saying "I've got to run to a birthday party (in fact the car is waiting for me outside) as we speak..I won't be able to come online skype tonight,but we spoke yesterday night. Wednesday evening would be a realistic time to talk after work,if that's ok with you."
I felt so let down. I sent him a message telling him that I felt like I'd been stood up and that since he was the one setting the time, he either knew about the party or this is a last minute thing that was more important than talking with me. I don't *think* I used any language that will be read as too mad or emotional. (I reread it a few times to double-check before sending.)
It really upset me this time. While I was gone, my 2 closest friends also moved out of the country so I don't really have a sounding board for this (hence putting it here).

Am I being too sensitive about this? It's possible. That TOM is just ending. I need a little clarity and any helpful advice you can give.

Replies

  • april_beth
    april_beth Posts: 616 Member
    my question is: do you want to do this for the next two years? maybe you two should do your own thing and meet back up in a couple years if that's what is meant to be.
  • charityateet
    charityateet Posts: 574 Member
    I'm sorry that is just sad....I know you guys are in a relationship but I think you meed to make some friends that are closer to you so you aren't waiting on him......xoxo
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    I can't even imagine how hard that is.


    You DO need to ask yourself if you can do this for two more years. If you decide you can then you really need to ask for more of his time, and for him to make more of a point to talk to you.

    I'm currently in a long distance relationship as well, it's been over a year and a half and I have no idea when the gap is going to be bridged.

    Does he text you at all? Through the day? I mean some time has to be made, something has to give. If my communication was that little, I'd end it. But that's just me.


    What you need to ask yourself is do you love this man enough that the wait is worth it, do you love him enough to know that the pain right now is temporary? Do you trust him enough to know that he is committed to this.


    You're more than welcome to friend me if you want. I know how rough and lonely it can be.


    And I agree... make friends. Don't sit around and mope and be alone like I do. lol
  • photo_kyla
    photo_kyla Posts: 322 Member
    I love him and I miss him. And the two years part is incredibly up in the air. Its possible he could be here as soon as November. He's already been offered one job, but his current company is better projects if they can jump through all the hoops for visa paperwork.

    I trust him and I know that he is committed. He can't text or call, his cell provider sucks. When I lived there, we would talk all the time. Now the internet (skype, facebook) is the only option.
  • Healthyby30
    Healthyby30 Posts: 1,349 Member
    Honestly it sounds like he doesn't make you a priority in his life and continues to come up with lame excuses. I mean who can fall asleep that much or get caught up doing other things? Obviously you aren't number one in his mind or he wouldn't be oversleeping and forgetting and losing track of time.
  • Captain_Mal
    Captain_Mal Posts: 945 Member
    I think I'd consider this as a fling and it's time has passed. I myself wouldn't realistically sit around and wait for that 2 years to roll around because most likely it won't happen that way. I suggest to just remain friends if that's possible and move on with your life in the here and now. A lot can happen in 2 years, would you really want to root up your life if he actually manages to move to the US in 2 years?
  • amazon0782
    amazon0782 Posts: 22
    Take a break and let him contact you instead...If he loves you he will definitely try to reach you .... make friends... meet people around...get engrossed in your life...studies or whatever you are doing...if he needs you he will be there with you !
  • mandemonious
    mandemonious Posts: 217 Member
    my question is: do you want to do this for the next two years? maybe you two should do your own thing and meet back up in a couple years if that's what is meant to be.

    ^^This. Sounds like you prioritize the communication more than he does. I've been in a long distance relationship on and off with my current partner. One time that lasted for almost 2 years. We didn't have the time zone challenge (which is very very tricky), but there were still plenty of times that I felt slighted. So we decided that maybe we should back off of all the expectations and definitions and be more of friends for a while. Best. Decision. Ever.

    Wasn't easy. But seriously, if we hadn't done that, we would not still be together. 5 1/2 years and still digging each other :love:
  • Monica_has_a_goal
    Monica_has_a_goal Posts: 694 Member
    Hun please understand I'm going to be bold and blunt but I only want to help you.. so dont be offended..

    DUMP HIM! .. Long distance love is very hard to handle and I'm sorry but you realize that what im saying is true.

    You as a person are very valuable and although you want to continue this relationship, You're right!! He chose the birthday party over your conversation and spending time with you.

    Please dont plan 2 more years of heartache.. Get out now while you still can and while you obviously love each other(maybe you love him more) distance and busy lives take priority over a scheduled chat. And it should .. for BOTH of you!

    If he moves here.. fine.. reconsider then.. If NOT, well I'd say, hurting a lil now is better than planning a life with someone who isnt there for you, and may never be there for you if your plans fail.

    I'm sorry hun.. *big hug* :brokenheart:
  • mandemonious
    mandemonious Posts: 217 Member
    Honestly it sounds like he doesn't make you a priority in his life and continues to come up with lame excuses. I mean who can fall asleep that much or get caught up doing other things? Obviously you aren't number one in his mind or he wouldn't be oversleeping and forgetting and losing track of time.

    Here here to minds thinking alike. Truth :)
  • luv2runsgf
    luv2runsgf Posts: 48
    Wow - tough situation. Like others have said, it sounds like you are not his #1 priority. As hard as it might be you owe it to yourself to have a full life. Get involved in something that makes you happy, go out with friends and if he realizes that you are his priority he will make the effort. In the meantime live your life - today is all you are guaranteed so don't waste it. Hugs!
  • leilaphoenix
    leilaphoenix Posts: 839 Member
    I've got into a long distance relationship after what was initially a summer fling and now I'm happily settled with the same man, been living together for 3 years now and just bought a house. So I know all about the difficulties of long distance.

    So you might think I'd say keep your chin up but
    He also hasn't had time to find a calling card there
    and the way you describe the situation just seems so one-way. I know he is 'busy' but seriously, if he is too busy to make you a priority then that's worrying....
  • Deckershann
    Deckershann Posts: 272 Member
    It's hard, but it's not impossible. Like other people have said though, is this what you want for the next few years? I'm married, and I have spent more time away from my husband than I have with him.
  • hd2208
    hd2208 Posts: 33 Member
    Thats a pretty rubbish situation you are in honey. Long distance relationships are hard. I have been with my partner 13 years now and last year due to work commitments and us both wanting to move back to scotland we did the long distance thing again, 8 long months of skype and facebook (we were ini the same time zone which helped). This was the third time we had been 300+ miles apart and eah time we have learnt a little bit more about how to do it right for us. Relationships take time and you both have to work hard at it, it sounds like you are working harder at it than he is and oyu ahve to try and work out if this is a guy being a guy type thing, or if its cause he is struggling with it all. When things got difficult between us and we felt to emotional to skype we often emailed each other, big long emails about how we feel, how bad we wanted it to work and how we couldnt wait to be together, we also argued over emails about lots....its good cause you can read it back before you hit send :) Like other people have saud, dont put all your eggs in one basket....get out there and make some friends (its not easy but possible) and have a long hard think about what you want out of the next two years. No easy answers honey, good luck, keep smiling and keep your chin up. X X X
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
    I was going to say dump him too. He doesn't seem like he is making you a priority or even making time for you. He went to a party instead of talking to you....he had to know prior to last minute that he was going to a party, why not contact you before and arrange another time? Hope you haven't bought that ticket for Christmas time yet. Sounds like he will have another reason to be busy.

    So sorry sweetie. I know it's rough.
  • vsetter
    vsetter Posts: 558 Member
    I would agree with the others. Let him take the lead. Let him make you a priority. You might learn a lot about the relationship based on how he reacts.

    In the meantime, try to make some new friends in the area. Go out once and a while and enjoy life. Don't sit at home waiting.
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,450 Member
    Honestly it sounds like he doesn't make you a priority in his life and continues to come up with lame excuses. I mean who can fall asleep that much or get caught up doing other things? Obviously you aren't number one in his mind or he wouldn't be oversleeping and forgetting and losing track of time.

    Here here to minds thinking alike. Truth :)

    exactly.
    The long distance thing CAN work but you both have to be putting the work in and making regular effort to communicate. Some challenges are legitimate but a lot of what hes telling you is not.
    I think you need to stop editing yourself and trying not to sound upset. You have a right to be. Tell him your concern. Put the ball in his court. If you keep getting excuses - move on.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
    I hate to say this, but you need to let this one go. Sometimes, the timing is just wrong. Obviously, he's not ready to move and be with you so let him go and move on. Agree to remain friends and talk when you can. Take the pressure off. If, in two years, he wants to rekindle things, think about it then.
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    I was in a long distance relationship and am now married to him, but hun, this is not how our long distance relationship worked, he was falling over himself to talk to me, text me, email me, any contact, got up REAL early EVERY day, there was at least a 5 hour time difference and sometimes more, and even if it was a ten minute call, or sometimes a 7 hour call.....yes we almost bankrupted ourselves, but any and every chance we got, over and above our 'other' life, so no going out to parties instead of a pre arranged call.

    I think you need to face that he is not that into the relationship and is making all manner of excuses rather than tell you the truth.

    So very sorry xXx
  • HartJames
    HartJames Posts: 789 Member
    The cold hard truth is, he's just not that into you.

    If he was, he would find a way. You would have no doubt. He's not the one, at the very least, not right now.

    You may be missing out on your Mr. Right while youre emotionally tied up with a guy who seems to see you as a loose end and after-thought.

    You deserve more, bottom line. When "it's" right, you KNOW. Doesn't sound like you know. Therefore....
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,458 Member
    Actions speak louder than words.



    Been where you are. Cut your losses.
  • Awkward30
    Awkward30 Posts: 1,927 Member
    I'm sorry, but this reminds me of the movie 'he's just not that into you.' if he cared about you then he would fix his cell provider so he could Skype you on his phone, he would have gone to get a new calling card instead of going to a birthday party. It sounds like you are getting walked all over and nobody deserves that.

    I'm sorry, but you deserve to have someone put as much into the relationship as you do
  • photo_kyla
    photo_kyla Posts: 322 Member
    I know that everyone thinks the worst of him, but I do have to say something in his defense. He is INCREDIBLY busy. It's a 1 1/2 hour commute to work each way and he works 10-12hr days 5 or 6 days a week. I will sometimes be online at what is 9pm his time and he will pop up on skype to say "hi" while he is having a skype conference with other departments about work projects, and he is still in the office for this. They often have events and client meetings on evenings and weekends. And this is Italy, lots of places close down on Sundays.
    When I cam back to the US, we were apart for 6 weeks, then he came over for 6 weeks to visit, and he's been back there for 5 weeks. The reason he got such a long vacation (instead of the 3 weeks Italian standard) was because he told his boss about his plans and his boss doubled his time. He got back and didn't even get a chance to unpack his suitcase for over a week.
    And I know that I am not his number one priority right now, that is work and he has been very clear about it from the start. We both have to practical about that. His focus right now is work and mine is school.
    But when we are together, we're happy; even if it's something as uneventful as doing laundry and making the bed.

    And for those people who say "you KNOW when he's the one", I honestly don't believe that will ever happen. I always have ghosts of things that happened in past relationships that come back to haunt me, so I look at everything through that filter. He is aware of times like that, from my tone of voice or expression, and stops and takes the time to help me work through those demons, and we are stronger for it. But I don't think I will ever be naively happy about love, and I CERTAINLY don't believe in love at first sight.

    As for making friends, I know I should, but the more time I spend with the majority of people in this town, the more I am struck by the fact that I don't belong here anymore. The few friends I *do* have here have their own lives that I am rarely a part of anymore. So I keep working on school and trying to get to the point where I can leave and have a career that can support me.
  • Healthyby30
    Healthyby30 Posts: 1,349 Member
    No offense but it sounds like he has every excuse in the book and you don't really want our opinions, even though you asked for it, because you defend everything he says. I think maybe you just wanted someone to reassure you instead of giving our honest opinion. Most times facing the brutal reality of a situation sucks, but that doesn't change what it is.

    Also, if you've both stated that you have other priorities in your life that come first, why are you in a relationship to begin with? It sounds like he is following through with that logic. He puts work first, while you put him before other things because from what you say it sounds like you're available whenever he makes himself available. It seems very one-sided.
  • amccrazgrl
    amccrazgrl Posts: 315 Member
    I say take the 2 year break and maintain a friendship through email. Then go ahead and date around local if the opportunity comes up. Focus on yourself. Then in a few years if your meant to be together it will happen. I'm sure you can find another male you would invest the time needed to make a relationship work.

    I can't imagine doing across the world dating like that when the other person barely has time for themselves let alone time to Skype you.
  • LFDBabs
    LFDBabs Posts: 297 Member
    Wow. Did I need to read this. My boyfriend of almost three years just moved two hours away. He's in an area with horrible cell service, has no internet at home and is crazy busy at his new job. The communication FROM him is minimal. I notice when I don't call, he steps up to the plate. I'm at the point where I'm rethinking the long distance thing and I'm only 2 hours from him. I love him, BUT...you and I both deserve to be a priority in their lives, not an option. Back WAY off....see if he steps up
  • photo_kyla
    photo_kyla Posts: 322 Member
    I am really regretting opening my heart up on this post and asking for support. There is no way I can find to delete it so please, don't respond anymore. Thank You
  • hd2208
    hd2208 Posts: 33 Member
    Your defending him because u love him and you are not ready to see his faults yet....i've been there ive done it. You only asked our opinions as you were hoping we would all say its fine, its to be expected ont worry. Whatever you do, look after yourself, put yourself first, concentrate on your studies and your life at the moment, keep in touch with your chap in whichever way works for you,just dont put your life on hold.....;ife can be too short as it is. X
  • hd2208
    hd2208 Posts: 33 Member
    sorry was typing and didnt see your last post. Look after yourself. X
  • Saffyra
    Saffyra Posts: 607 Member
    I was in a 2 year long distance relationship. We are now happily married (to eachother).

    The only reason it worked is because we BOTH valued our relationship and we BOTH worked very hard to sustain it. Losing sleep, skipping dinner out with friends, taking the same day off work so we could have a "date". Relationships are hard in the first place and big distances (and time zones) make it even harder.

    I think you know what to do. Yes, it does seem like he is forcing you to do all the work based on what you said. But you are the one who knows the real situation.

    When things don't start to add up, then make your decision. For yourself! Do what is best for you. Do get out and make time for your friends. This is healthy (for both you and him) and gets you out of the house and your mind on other things so you don't dwell on things you don't need to.

    If I were you, I'd start leaving things up to him. He is a man and capable and if you are important to him, he will absolutely come through for you and make ways to be able to contact you!

    Good luck to you. I hope you feel better and are soon reassured :)

    **Edit: I just noticed your last post. I'm sorry and I really do hope you find something to make you smile very soon.
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