Lighten Up People

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 3 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, Leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud Splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.