JUST for today...

I began traveling this road on May 1, 2011 at 245 lbs. You know the drill... being sick and tired of being sick and tired; and ready for a change. I was struggling in every area: I had spent a little over a year being unemployed and while I had just begun a new career, I was behind on everything with no more savings. My life was so busy, because I refused or just couldn't say that two letter word that seems to roll off the tongue of others. For some reason I couldn't say "no" and the results was a schedule that was out of this world. I am not one who likes to sit idle and I needed something to do, but now I realize that I can't do everything. Being a workaholic is a true problem and something that I am recovering from. I was a leader in many areas in my church, had joined a celebrate recovery group to help with over / emotional eating, feelings of loneliness and rejection, over working, and issue with the past. I was involved with a couple of homeless organizations; had a women's ministry for women who just need time away (away from whatever was a problem at the time) as well as several other time consuming tasks. I was always going and come or was that going and going? I lost track. I felt overwhelmed. While God had really helped me through my time of unemployment, I still felt afraid, and the set back of using my savings had me constantly feeling worked up over my finances. I also had an issues with my weight after taking prednisone (a steroid) and couldn’t lose the weight with was depressing. I also had a concern with my breast on my very first mammogram - where they thought they saw something so I had to go back several times for more testing. I had been eating out of control, not because I was hungry but instead because I was tired, lonely, confused, afraid, unsure, you name it... I ate to stuff every feeling down even positive ones. Yes, I ate when I was excited, happy, or to celebrate just about anything.

My days and nights were spinning out of control and I didn’t have the power within myself to do anything about it. When I attempted to fix it, it would only get worse. My emotions, at times, were just as crazy (I sometimes felt several emotions at once – which was not good for me or those around me). On May 1, (D Day – Decision Day) I began the day by looking at 1200-1500 calorie diet plans on the internet; I began a work out regime (mainly cardio: walking the treadmill and elliptical for 45 minutes each, and incorporating toning (3 sets of 15 on each machine – alternating arms and legs every other day). I now weigh in at 229. I had gotten down to 217.5 but I sabotaged my own eating plan a few weeks ago, which is another reason that I joined this site. It has been difficult getting back on track. I get so mad with myself sometimes because I know the right / correct things to do but instead I do those things that I know I shouldn’t. I am not sure why and at this point I realize that I don’t have to answers to “why” any more. I just want handled. I don’t want to walk into 2012 still struggling with the same old crap. I want to be over it already.

This is a journey. I began looking at my journey when I travel every day – whether to work, church, grocery store, etc. Over the past month, I have notice huge cracks in the ground from the drought that we had here in Dallas Fort Worth over the summer. I notice potholes, accidents, flat tires (I have even had a few myself), I noticed distractions (people talking on phones and not paying attention, putting on make-up, arguing, etc.). I have seen traffic jams like you wouldn’t believe. But there are days when the journey is smooth sailing. There are many days that I get in my car, but in nice cd (I calling it rollin’ music), I buckle up and arrive at my destination not really paying attention to the fact that there were no obstacles, no speed bumps or any other problem for that matter. This weight loss (nutrition and exercise change) is so like that journey. I know that as long as I make a decision to keep on rollin that I will eventually get to my destination, no matter what is going on around me. The days when they are good, they are really good. But there are bad days, there are those days when I just go there and I know that I shouldn’t. There are times when I am thrown so far off course that I can’t recognize my own street when I see it and there is not GPS to help me along. I continue with caution searching for that one thing that looks for familiar so that I can get back on track. I had lost 27.5 lbs when I weighed in on September 1, and yes I am bit disappointed that I allowed myself to go up to 229. That 11.5 lbs gain hurts but it hasn’t taken me out of the game. I have lost a total of 16 pounds and I celebrate that today. I celebrate me and the effort that I have made. I have agreed to not wallow in self-pity, setbacks, and things of the past. If I don’t celebrate me, who will? I can’t wait around for some else to pat me on the back (not everyone is happy about the success of other but there are those who are genuinely pleased.

This is my journey and I realize that I have to make the most of it. The two letter word “no” that I hated to share with others. I am not sharing it with myself. No, you cannot have that. No, that is not good for you. No, that is too much. No, you are not hungry. No, drink your water instead. I am beginning to prepare meal plans, which is not only keeping me organized with my food and journaling but it is also saving money at the grocery store. I have got to say that it also helps with time management as well. I only have to grab and go in the mornings when leaving for work. This week will be a great week. There will be days that I will be able to get my exercise in. I have identified those days and will try extra hard to do something that requires movement. I am grateful today because although I am not where I want to be, I am also not where I was and I have today to begin anew. I am willing… one day at a time.

A friend of mine that I met a gym a while back is a recovering addict. I met her in an aerobics class and we have worked out countless hours together. She has invited me to a few of her NA meetings to listen to her speak. I am firm believer that you can learn something in every circumstance and from every one. We all have our own struggles (our own drug of choice) for some it may be abuse, anger, hatred, self-hatred, cutting, molesting, porn, over eating, reading, or working to escape this world and not only our own hurts habits and hang-ups but those of others. We all screw up and want to be forgiven and we want a way out of it. As I listen to this friend speak, her group began quoting “Just for Today” which I have paraphrased and changed the wording to fit my own journey… I know that I am going to do it!!! My Mission will be Accomplished!

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Just for Today
(PARAPHRASED)

Tell yourself:
JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery,
living and enjoying life without the abusing food or anything else that is unhealthy for me.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in God who
believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a plan. I will try to follow it
to the best of my ability.
JUST FOR TODAY, though, I will try to get a better
perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on
my new associations, with positive people who are not leading me down the wrong path and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow
Gods way, I have nothing to fear.

I have made the decision to turn from my past way of doing things. I surrender every burden of the past and fear of the future. The gift of today is now in proper perspective. I accept and enjoy life as it is right now. I accept the reality of today, so as not to deny my faith or bring unnecessary suffering. Today is a gift with no guarantees. With this in mind, the insignificance of the past and future, and the importance of my actions today, are real for me. This simplifies my life. I am focused my thoughts today. I will not trust my feelings when I am trouble. In sharing my past or new things that come up with others in my same shoes, I discover we are similar, that we share common bonds. Opening up with others - to share trials, disappointments, hardships but most especially the good things that happen with my day allows others to share theirs day with me – and in this way God will work through us.

I have no need to fear and I am learning every day to forgive myself for past mistakes, realizing tomorrow is not yet here. I will make time to meditate on the positive and take a personal inventory which will help me to gain serenity and guidance throughout this day. I will take a few moments out of my daily routine to thank God, for giving me the ability to cope today.

“Just for today” applies to all areas of my life. Reality has to be dealt with on a daily basis. Today, I no longer will make excuses for I am. I will find fulfillment in living today. With God guiding me I lose the desire to abuse my body to much or not enough food and lack of a healthy exercise regime. Perfection is no longer a goal today; I can achieve adequacy. If I stay connected with the nutrition and exercise plan for one day it is a miracle.

I am responsible and living is possible. I will daily replace loneliness and fear with the love of the fellowship and the security of a new way of life. Self-pity and resentments are replaced by tolerance and faith. I have been given the freedom, serenity, and happiness I so desperately sought. A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If I do not take time to appreciate both, I might miss something that will help me grow. The principle for living (TRULY living guides me when I use them).

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My success is the fact that I feel good and I feel that I CAN do it today!