Funnies

Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

__________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________ _________ _________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes..

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?


WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

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