Sick of the negativity
Beezil
Posts: 1,677 Member
Not on here! In my life. I know people say to just avoid it, ignore it, brush it off, etc. But what if it's coming from those closest to you? How do you deal with it? My husband lately has been really tearing me down. When I took my update photos the other day and was flipping through them, he made this comment about the one where I was flexing my arms. "Ew, that is NOT attractive." I mean, really? All I could think was WOW, really?! It made me cry pretty bad, and he apologized but then got mad at ME for being upset still. Like it's my fault his honesty upset me...?
Anyways. It's not just that. He often tries to get me to eat junk, or encourages me to over eat. Says I'm getting too skinny. Yesterday he said I look fine, but if I lose anymore weight I won't be attractive to him anymore.
I still want to lose 20 more pounds!
Then there is my sister, and not so much her husband - but he doesn't help either. My sister is over 300lbs, she has a lot of health problems because of it. And it all started when she had her gall bladder removed. I've been telling her for years as nicely as I can that she needs to change her diet and exercise some. She hasn't. She won't even try. But she asked me to burn her some copies of Turbo Fire for her birthday this year, and I did. I also bought her a resistance band to get her started, and she hasn't even tried 1 workout! It really makes me mad. She acts like she doesn't care at all how unhealthy she is, and other times it seems like she really wants to change... but I don't know.
Her unhealthy habits really bother me, and I'm finding it harder and harder to be around her anymore. Her and her husband went out to dinner and took me with them the other night - I figured, they know I'm trying to be more healthy and lose weight, so they'll go somewhere that has healthy options, right? Wrong. They went to Popeyes, and all there is to eat there is fried, greasy chicken. So I'm like... Awesome. I got a small cup of red beans - which is actually pretty bad for you. But I had to eat something! They sat and ate a bunch of fried chicken, french fries, biscuits with butter and soda right in front of me like it was no big deal. They kept offering to buy me some too, which really pissed me off! They knew damn well I can't/won't eat that crap. I guess I just don't understand why the people who are supposed to love me the most in my life are hurting me the most...
I don't know what to do anymore.
Anyways. It's not just that. He often tries to get me to eat junk, or encourages me to over eat. Says I'm getting too skinny. Yesterday he said I look fine, but if I lose anymore weight I won't be attractive to him anymore.
I still want to lose 20 more pounds!Then there is my sister, and not so much her husband - but he doesn't help either. My sister is over 300lbs, she has a lot of health problems because of it. And it all started when she had her gall bladder removed. I've been telling her for years as nicely as I can that she needs to change her diet and exercise some. She hasn't. She won't even try. But she asked me to burn her some copies of Turbo Fire for her birthday this year, and I did. I also bought her a resistance band to get her started, and she hasn't even tried 1 workout! It really makes me mad. She acts like she doesn't care at all how unhealthy she is, and other times it seems like she really wants to change... but I don't know.
Her unhealthy habits really bother me, and I'm finding it harder and harder to be around her anymore. Her and her husband went out to dinner and took me with them the other night - I figured, they know I'm trying to be more healthy and lose weight, so they'll go somewhere that has healthy options, right? Wrong. They went to Popeyes, and all there is to eat there is fried, greasy chicken. So I'm like... Awesome. I got a small cup of red beans - which is actually pretty bad for you. But I had to eat something! They sat and ate a bunch of fried chicken, french fries, biscuits with butter and soda right in front of me like it was no big deal. They kept offering to buy me some too, which really pissed me off! They knew damn well I can't/won't eat that crap. I guess I just don't understand why the people who are supposed to love me the most in my life are hurting me the most...
I don't know what to do anymore.
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Replies
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Sis needs to start SLOW. Real slow. ie... walking for 30 min. Once she gets that, then move onto some light cardio.
Diet. She needs to just pick ONE meal a day to change. ie.. a nice salad for lunch vs burgers/ fries/shake. That's a neg 800+ calories.
She can eat whatever on the other two meals. Once she gets used to that, try to change one of the other two meals. Or change her snacks from potato chips to air popped popcorn with olive oil and light salt.
Small steps0 -
When I lost weight awhile ago...(damn, should have stuck with it) I had people trying the same thing. Beer, wings etc, when they knew I couldn't. so they'd say "want a beer?" I'd say...yah, i'd love one, but not gonna have one. of course, I'd be pissed off later, but I'd try not to show it.
You can only control what you can control. So, try not to let other people bring you down...which I know is hard.
next time, ask where they are going for din-din. If somewhere you don't approve, simply, don't go -- and politely decline. Or offer another spot.
this is YOUR life to live, not there's. So they can go pi$$ on a tree.
For your hubby...yah. Us men always say dumb *kitten*. It's in our DNA.
maybe just talk to him and let him know some of the comments he says - and how it really affects you.
other than that...i say, "water of a ducks back" and put it behind ya.
good luck,0 -
Not on here! In my life. I know people say to just avoid it, ignore it, brush it off, etc. But what if it's coming from those closest to you? How do you deal with it? My husband lately has been really tearing me down. When I took my update photos the other day and was flipping through them, he made this comment about the one where I was flexing my arms. "Ew, that is NOT attractive." I mean, really? All I could think was WOW, really?! It made me cry pretty bad, and he apologized but then got mad at ME for being upset still. Like it's my fault his honesty upset me...?
Anyways. It's not just that. He often tries to get me to eat junk, or encourages me to over eat. Says I'm getting too skinny. Yesterday he said I look fine, but if I lose anymore weight I won't be attractive to him anymore. I still want to lose 20 more pounds!
Then there is my sister, and not so much her husband - but he doesn't help either. My sister is over 300lbs, she has a lot of health problems because of it. And it all started when she had her gall bladder removed. I've been telling her for years as nicely as I can that she needs to change her diet and exercise some. She hasn't. She won't even try. But she asked me to burn her some copies of Turbo Fire for her birthday this year, and I did. I also bought her a resistance band to get her started, and she hasn't even tried 1 workout! It really makes me mad. She acts like she doesn't care at all how unhealthy she is, and other times it seems like she really wants to change... but I don't know.
Her unhealthy habits really bother me, and I'm finding it harder and harder to be around her anymore. Her and her husband went out to dinner and took me with them the other night - I figured, they know I'm trying to be more healthy and lose weight, so they'll go somewhere that has healthy options, right? Wrong. They went to Popeyes, and all there is to eat there is fried, greasy chicken. So I'm like... Awesome. I got a small cup of red beans - which is actually pretty bad for you. But I had to eat something! They sat and ate a bunch of fried chicken, french fries, biscuits with butter and soda right in front of me like it was no big deal. They kept offering to buy me some too, which really pissed me off! They knew damn well I can't/won't eat that crap. I guess I just don't understand why the people who are supposed to love me the most in my life are hurting me the most...
I don't know what to do anymore.
As far as the sister goes, there's unfortunately not a whole lot you can do. Just as it was with you, something will have to "click" with her before she realizes she's slowly killing herself. You can subtly encourage her and everything, but until SHE realizes something needs to change, you're taking too much of her burden on yourself.
As for your husband....that's a little more touchy. He's belittling your progress and I believe that is not something a spouse should ever, ever do! If he can't be 100% supportive, then keep the comments & snide remarks to himself.
Maybe sit down and have a hard core heart to heart with him about how him being so unsupportive really hurts you. Again, you can't change someone else, only they can do that, but with your husband, you can definitely deserve a serious discussion about his attitude towards your progress to better yourself. Maybe it's also a bit of insecurity on his part? Like you're gonna get skinny and hot and leave? IDK.
Good luck, sweetie!0 -
I also hate when negativity surrounds me in life and although its hard I jus always try to imagine how much worse things could really be. Or I rely on good friends to and remember how much I have to really be thankful for and just ignore the negativity. Any time you or anyone else is in need or wanting motivation don't hesitate to reach out to me I love sending positive vibes and motivating others! Have a great friday!!0
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you look fantastic and we're here for you. I don't know what else to say- I could post a comment that came from my alleged best friend but all I can really say is haters hate & losers lose.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it healthy.
Do what you're doing and I agree with the avoiding them.
As for your husband... I'd tell him straight up a marriage license is NOT a license to dictate what YOU look like or to hurt your feelings. IT STOPS NOW. he's either part of the solution, or part of the problem and who needs more problems in their life?
lay down the law honey so ppl KNOW where you stand0 -
Why are you makin the choice to spend time with these people? Use your time to spend with people who you feel good around. Blood lines are not necessarily the only way to create a family.0
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Unfortunately, there's not much you can do for your sister. For a long time my husband asked me to be healthier but I just couldn't do it until I was ready. She has to be ready.
I'm sorry about your husband. You do look fantastic at your current weight but if you're not happy and feel you need to continue to lose weight then I would assume that you know what is best for you. I couldn't imagine having an unsupportive husband.
You've done a great job and you should be surrounded by people that recognize and congratulate you on your achievements!0 -
Social pressures are all around, even with and especially the people we're closest to. While it is a good idea to try to encourage one another, it's important to keep in mind a word Aretha Franklin taught me by spelling it out called 'Respect'. Each person has one body and for good reason. We're the ones in charge of it, have to deal with it, celebrate its successes and manage its failures (even failures we ourselves aren't responsible for such as disease or deformity). This morning I got a lecture about how I need to take a multi-vitamin, exercise more and eat a cheeseburger from a co-worker who clearly had a ways to go until he reached his goal. What makes people want to be so controlling of others? Perhaps our own lives are such a mess that it's just easier to dictate to others. In any case, give helpful advice when it is wanted, express concerns where it's needed, then step away to hope and pray they make the right decision. Having said all this, I need to practice it more myself.
Negativity is a bear to handle on a daily basis and though no one should be subjected to it, we're only affected by things we allow to affect us. I try to recognize it for what it is and focus more on developing myself in a positive way.0 -
My thoughts on this matter are that you are doing it FOR YOU. Your husbands comment "but if I lose anymore weight I won't be attractive to him anymore" wasn't right & leads me to ask what you weighed when you married him. Was it where you are now or was it where you will be if you lose another 20 pounds. Either way, he needs to support you & not torpedo your progress with comments like that. You are doing this to get healthy & to be happy with how you look.
Now in regards to your sister, hopefully she will see the changes in you & it will give her the push to get healthy too. If it is possible, I would speak with her doctor to get suggestions on what she CAN do & then you would also have the doctor supporting you if you were to tell him/her what you are trying to do. Just take it slow & be patient.0 -
Oh my! I would be so excited if my sister burnt me a copy of Turbo Fire!!!
Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully they will come around. . . and if they don't well at least you'll be healthy and HOT! You have worked hard and you deserve to be very proud of yourself!!!
~ Jamie0 -
Sounds like a tough period for you. I don't really have any advice because all of our situations are so unique. I do know however, that if people's negativity starts to make you feel unwell it has to change. It has to be confronted, worked on, or left behind. I know, easier said then done but ultimately, people can act like diseases from the outside with their negativity. You will get sick in the end.
It's unfortunate that your sister has not taken the first steps toward changing but you know that's not within your power to change or responsibility to do so. Your own transformation is work enough and likely weighs on your shoulders; trying to fix her too is too much. I would recommend simply refusing (kindly of course) to go out to restaurants with them anymore. Be clear about why, and if they would like to go out with you still, then it will be a place that has healthy options available.
She's just not ready yet for change and if it happens, it will happen in it's own time and fashion regardless of how much it makes you feel like banging your (or her) head against the wall lol.
Hang in their buttercup, don't let other's darkness extinguish your light!0 -
As much as you love your sister, nothing will happen until she has that epiphany. That she asked you to burn the dvds means that she admires what you have done, even if she contradicts that in other ways. But the light bulb in her head hasn't clicked on yet. When it does, you will be there for her. It doesn't sound like she has the support from within her own home and that is making it hard for her.
In terms of your husband, if he's anyhting like mine, he's trying to be supportive but has "man brain" when it comes to supportive comments. Maybe he's even a bit jealous of all the great comments you'll get when you post the before and afters? Also, you're coming to grips with the change in yourself. Be proud - he'll get used to it!0 -
Hi hon,
Okay so I know that was hard to hear from the hubby. . . either he is jealous of your new physical appearance. . . or he is just being honest . . and not necessarily in the most tactful manner. . I would just be honest with him and tell him how that made you feel, but also take his feelings into consideration at the same time.
As for your sister. .if she is that heavy and has been like this for a considerable amount of time. . she is going to have to start out slow with things like just walking. . she is not going to be able to jump right into turbo fire. . I know that you want the best for her. . my neice has lost over 100 lbs since jan on here, but she was over 300lbs and I know for her it was hard just to do the walking at first. . so maybe if you two live close you could offer to go walking with her. . that would give you two time together and encourage her. Now if it is hard for her to get time. . you could perhaps get her a copy of Biggest loser power walk where they are only doing 1mile at a time and you can do it in your living room. . this would allow her to gain self confidence in her abillity to get the workout done.
Just a thought.. as far as diet. . you can make kind suggestions, but understanding that bad habits don't change overnight. . it has to be a little at a time. I know it is hard to see the people you love and care about harming themselves. . I did it with my dad. . but if they are not ready to change or you try to make them. . these are the people that are taking a drive to sneak food. . or hiding things around the house. . so just try making small suggestions to her, gently. .
Wishing you all the luck in the world. . * friend me if you like* Jade0 -
You are doing a fabulous job with your weight loss! Keep it up! I agree with one of the other posts, your sister will lose weight when she is ready. Sometimes, no matter how much we care, we have to wait for our loved ones to realize their health is important too. I wanted to lose weight for a long time before I was ready, and when I got ready no one could stop me! Hopefully your sister will have that day come for her. You've given her the tools and a great incentive by watching you lose so now it is up to her. As for your husband's remarks, it IS your body and you know what is comfortable and what makes you happy. I looked at your progress/photos and you are doing a great job! Do what feels right for YOU!0
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Thank you so much everyone - you've all given me a lot of positivity here and a lot to think about. I guess it is time to accept the fact I can't change my sister's ways, only she can. I just love her so much, it makes it hard to just sit by and watch her kill herself. I do think my hub might just be worried of me leaving him or something - he has always been very self-conscious about his appearance. He is 6' and only weight 120-130lbs. Very skinny, but he is lean and I love the way he looks. I always have. I tell him all the time too!
Thanks again to everyone who has responded - it means so much to me! <333My thoughts on this matter are that you are doing it FOR YOU. Your husbands comment "but if I lose anymore weight I won't be attractive to him anymore" wasn't right & leads me to ask what you weighed when you married him. Was it where you are now or was it where you will be if you lose another 20 pounds. Either way, he needs to support you & not torpedo your progress with comments like that. You are doing this to get healthy & to be happy with how you look.
Now in regards to your sister, hopefully she will see the changes in you & it will give her the push to get healthy too. If it is possible, I would speak with her doctor to get suggestions on what she CAN do & then you would also have the doctor supporting you if you were to tell him/her what you are trying to do. Just take it slow & be patient.
As far as what I weighed when I met my hub- I was 15 so I was only 120-130 - but I was also anorexic. I struggled with it for years until I got pregnant. Then it kind of resolved itself... later it became an issue of over eating though. I feel like now I can get back down to 120 in a healthy way and not be sick or uncomfortable. If I am, then of course I would not push it and probably put more weight back on - but I'd like to at least try! 0 -
i think you can change your sister. Just not in the way you want her. Slow and really small steps.0
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I am so sorry your family is being so unsupportive. Your husband is a jerk! Hope that doesn't offend you. There is a more tactful way of telling you how he feels, but ultimately, it is you that gets to decide what your body looks like. Personally, from your profile pic, I would say that you look great and don't need to lose that last 20 lbs either. But you know your body better than I do and I would never try to discourage you from achieving your goals.
Your sister may not have realized that she was sabotaging your success. In the future, you might check before going out to make certain they are eating somewhere that can fit your dietary needs.
Other than that, I would say to talk to them and let them know how they are making you feel. Your husband might be worried that you are trying to look better for someone else. He might need a little reassurance that he is the only one for you. Your sister will come around eventually. Don't let her lack of effort bother you too much because it is counterproductive to nag someone. Just love her, pray for her, and continue to set an awesome example. My sister recently made the decision to change her life and she credits me as her inspiration. Just hang in there and don't let their negativity bring you down. 0
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