Domestic Violence
pain_is_weakness
Posts: 798 Member
I need some help. I have a friend, a fellow military wife, who's husband also suffers from PTSD. Couseling helped but with his new job he litterally does not have a free moment to seek the type of help he was getting. They are good friends of mine, I love her husbadn and her very much and I know he was/is a good guy. He came home very screwed up, as did my husband. Both of them seen horrible things (they served together for many tours).
Problem: I feel that their relationship is very violent. They have kids, and she doesn't work (can't afford child care). She said she wants to leave, I know she does, but really she can't afford it. has no friends/family that can afford to help her until she gets on her feet. I have no room at my house. (I have a 3 bedroom and already 7 people living here). I understand her situation, very much. I know realistically she can't just leave, the shelters she checked into give you a place to stay for a few days, but she still needs money to survive. Some of her kids are still in diapers.
I know she belittles her, he tells her he will kill her, sleeps with a gun next to the bed at night, has hit her, grabbed her neck. Newest thing: telling her that she can never be anytihng other than a corner girl! yes, that had to have hurt!
I was there once when I helped her call the police, problem is most of our police force is prior service and actually put the blame on her for not understanding his needs better, my mouth dropped!!!! We live in California and it is mandatory that he be taken in if he touched her, out of three times called they never once took him in, said they didn;'t see a mark on her (gotta love that military brotherhood when it is used like that, gag!) I called and acted like her to make a complaint the next day and nothing happened!
The list goes on and on, you would be amazed what he does.
What advice can I give her? Does anyone know of a program where she can go for free that might give her a job, place to live, childcare? She needs all three. She might be able to leave for a day or two, and she has, but then she has to return because of money situations, which is really dangerous for her to return after she leaves.
She basically just wants to leave, let him live his life and her live hers. He is not the type to fight for custody of the kids (too much responcibility) so what can she do?
Problem: I feel that their relationship is very violent. They have kids, and she doesn't work (can't afford child care). She said she wants to leave, I know she does, but really she can't afford it. has no friends/family that can afford to help her until she gets on her feet. I have no room at my house. (I have a 3 bedroom and already 7 people living here). I understand her situation, very much. I know realistically she can't just leave, the shelters she checked into give you a place to stay for a few days, but she still needs money to survive. Some of her kids are still in diapers.
I know she belittles her, he tells her he will kill her, sleeps with a gun next to the bed at night, has hit her, grabbed her neck. Newest thing: telling her that she can never be anytihng other than a corner girl! yes, that had to have hurt!
I was there once when I helped her call the police, problem is most of our police force is prior service and actually put the blame on her for not understanding his needs better, my mouth dropped!!!! We live in California and it is mandatory that he be taken in if he touched her, out of three times called they never once took him in, said they didn;'t see a mark on her (gotta love that military brotherhood when it is used like that, gag!) I called and acted like her to make a complaint the next day and nothing happened!
The list goes on and on, you would be amazed what he does.
What advice can I give her? Does anyone know of a program where she can go for free that might give her a job, place to live, childcare? She needs all three. She might be able to leave for a day or two, and she has, but then she has to return because of money situations, which is really dangerous for her to return after she leaves.
She basically just wants to leave, let him live his life and her live hers. He is not the type to fight for custody of the kids (too much responcibility) so what can she do?
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Replies
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Here's a start. I've been there, minus the kids and not having a job. It's scary and horrible. I wish you and your friend the best.
http://www.bcdonline.com/sucasa/Hotline_List.pdf0 -
I would say a hotline or perhaps a woman's shelter if one is nearby.0
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Does she have family that she can go to?
Are there any social services other than shelters that can help.
Even an emergency shelter will give her the tools on how to go about getting out of her marriage...or they can direct her to teh right place. They are not just there for you to stay for a couple of days and send you home.0 -
Im not a medical counsellor or a medical professional, but your friend may want to either keep copies of the police reports of when they were called out and then get an order of protection, even if he goes psycho on her and demanding of her
if she has proof of his behavior ,its a start.........truly l wished I could help you, but local authorities may be her only solution...........I hope she suceeds .........Lloyd0 -
Try looking online for organizations in your area, but she needs to be the one to contact them. Staying in the home with abuse is her fault, too. By keeping herself and her children in that situation she is partly to blame. Suggest a program to her and more counseling for him. It will only escalate and until she's seen this there is little to be done, especially for you.0
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You're making excuses for him.
She needs to get out. If she doesn't and this escalates (and it will) she and her children will be in a worse position or dead.
Get out. Go home to her family. Go to the police. Whatever. Make something happen. Go to a shelter. Leaving and dealing with diminished income and financial hardship will be difficult, but not as difficult as the time her kids will have growing up in an abusive household and/or without a mother and/or a father in prison.
PTSD is just a cop out excuse for not dealing with his anger/stress.0 -
You're making excuses for him.
She needs to get out. If she doesn't and this escalates (and it will) she and her children will be in a worse position or dead.
Get out. Go home to her family. Go to the police. Whatever. Make something happen. Go to a shelter. Leaving and dealing with diminished income and financial hardship will be difficult, but not as difficult as the time her kids will have growing up in an abusive household and/or without a mother and/or a father in prison.
PTSD is just a cop out excuse for not dealing with his anger/stress.
Actually PTSD is a real disease and it's proven that the traumatic experiences actually change part of the brain. He needs help. A soldier who comes home with PTSD is just as wounded as one who comes home missing a leg.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14728092
That being said, while he gets the help she needs to try and get out of the house. There are plenty of hotlines and shelters she can go to. Could she perhaps get a job at a daycare where she could take her kids?0 -
http://www.ebccenter.org
this is for the East Coast but they may direct you to a West Coast facility for help0 -
Y well, she doesn't really have family. She was a foster kid, never adopted. Doesn't have close aunts and uncles and both her parents live out of state and don't talk to her, plus her dad and mother were abusive to her so they aren't much help.
I could see how this would be her fault if she didn't want to leave, but she does and has, but when her kids have needs she can't provide she has to go back. I studies victimology, I know most cases the woman is in love with that man, but she isn't, she is litterally just trapped, to thos eof you who provided web links thank you! I will check those out now0 -
She needs to seek help .. and get out of that household. I believe she can seek councilling and support through the military, too if I'm not mistaken. If he is as bad as you say he is .. things will not improve .. not without help. If she chooses to stay, she is not only putting her life in jeopardy, but the safety of those children (both physcially, mentally and emotionally). THEY are watching this "show" every painful and terrifying moment of it .. and are learning skills from it...which are horrifyingly corrupt and damaging.
I don't believe he is "too busy" .. Not for a second! No one is 'too busy' to stop themselves from doing catastrophic damage .. to the family unit. People die under THESE circumstances .. including children! This is not just bad behaviour .. It could turn out to be lethal.
Please, help her seek councilling and safety. There are places with the means to help battered women find a satisfactory haven and further find skills and tools to be able to provide a life for those kids.
Please .. don't take this lightly .. I'm sure you must FEEL it in the pit of your stomach! .. I don't even know these people .. and I feel it!0 -
She (or you) need to keep checking for shelters. There are hotlines she can call as well. At the very least, one of these places could probably give her more information regarding her options.
She has got to get out now though. The longer she stays the worse it will get.0 -
She needs to seek help .. and get out of that household. I believe she can seek councilling and support through the military, too if I'm not mistaken. If he is as bad as you say he is .. things will not improve .. not without help. If she chooses to stay, she is not only putting her life in jeopardy, but the safety of those children (both physcially, mentally and emotionally). THEY are watching this "show" every painful and terrifying moment of it .. and are learning skills from it...which are horrifyingly corrupt and damaging.
I don't believe he is "too busy" .. Not for a second! No one is 'too busy' to stop themselves from doing catastrophic damage .. to the family unit. People die under THESE circumstances .. including children! This is not just bad behaviour .. It could turn out to be lethal.
Please, help her seek councilling and safety. There are places with the means to help battered women find a satisfactory haven and further find skills and tools to be able to provide a life for those kids.
Please .. don't take this lightly .. I'm sure you must FEEL it in the pit of your stomach! .. I don't even know these people .. and I feel it!
not taking it lightly at all, i am doing all i can and so is she but finding a place is very hard!0 -
Maybe you can help her out with a place to stay until she finds a shelter. I think if she really wants out, do what you can to help her out. While he's away go get her and the kids. It sounds like a dark path she'd be walking down if she stayed with him.0
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I lived in Hawaii, the most militarized state in the US. Most of my friends got married to military around 18, and 2/3 ended up abused. Not even exaggerating. The girls had a similar problem: most of the cops were sensitive (or paid off) by the military, so the girls would visit their neighbors and tell them her situation. If the neighbors ever heard anything, they'd immediately call the cops for her. She'd always call, too. The cops let it slide a few times, but when the neighbors got involved the cops bucked down and took more action. Sad to say, every one of those marriages end in divorce. Ultimately she needs to get out, so find a friend or a family member who'd be willing to house her until she can get back on her feet.0
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How does your husband feel about it? Is there a good enough relationship to go to his CO? Maybe it will take someone in authority to get him to go to counselling or help her. Or, the CO's wife? A leader in your community is what I'm saying.0
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She'll need to be the one to make the decision but she does have options...she could check into a women's shetler and they should be able to assist her in filing a restraining order. In the restraining order she can request to have immediate possession of the home (even if it is a rental). She would have to go to court to request that she be given immediate possession of the home and that he have zero contact.
She should also consider if she does NOT leave the impact that will have on the children. They will be witnessing the abuse and can really have a HUGE negative impact on them.
I don't agree that she is part of the problem, domestic violence is an ugly cycle and when you have no resources it can seem impossible to leave. (been there, done that, have the t-shirt)
Survivors of DV can also suffer from PTSD - so she should also inquire about therapy for her and her children. If he is working, she can file for divorce and immediate custody of the children and also request for a temp. child support order - although she shouldn't rely on his assistance, if he doesn't care about having custody he may quit his job to spite her.
If law enforcement is not assisting her, SHE needs to be the one to pitch a fit and demand to speak to the officers captain or superior officer. She should continue to complain until she gets someone on the phone that will listen and take her seriously.
Law enforcement is trained to take these types of situations seriously, regardless if the assailant is a family member, friend, etc... - Keep in mind that I am NOT saying that law enforcement NEVER screws up and protects "one of their own" - just saying that they do receive extensive training in regards to DV and she has recourse if she feels that she is being treated unfairly/unjustly.
Honestly, she may not be ready to leave- maybe she is telling you she WANTS to leave, but in her mind she's conflicted (no resources, no $$, kids to take care of, etc..). It took me 8 years to leave my ex-husband.
She should discuss her circumstances with an emergency shelter and they can let her know what type of resources they can assist her with (housing, filing for divorce, etc..).
Here's the link & phone # to the national domestic violence hotline and resources for each state:
http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/
1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−32240 -
Document EVERYTHING.0
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All the CA shelters:
http://www.bcdonline.com/sucasa/Hotline_List.pdf
Keep in mind that CA is a big state, but it also has a ton of shelters (especially near LA). If there is not one in her immediate area she can try driving to one that is further away. This would probably be better anyway, as it would put more physical distance between her and her husband.
Hotline:
http://dahmw.org/0 -
You're making excuses for him.
She needs to get out. If she doesn't and this escalates (and it will) she and her children will be in a worse position or dead.
Get out. Go home to her family. Go to the police. Whatever. Make something happen. Go to a shelter. Leaving and dealing with diminished income and financial hardship will be difficult, but not as difficult as the time her kids will have growing up in an abusive household and/or without a mother and/or a father in prison.
PTSD is just a cop out excuse for not dealing with his anger/stress.
Actually PTSD is a real disease and it's proven that the traumatic experiences actually change part of the brain. He needs help. A soldier who comes home with PTSD is just as wounded as one who comes home missing a leg.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14728092
That being said, while he gets the help she needs to try and get out of the house. There are plenty of hotlines and shelters she can go to. Could she perhaps get a job at a daycare where she could take her kids?
Agreed - PTSD is a real disease. I was recently diagnosed with chronic PTSD, after many years of living with an abusive father and husband. It screws up your head, decision making, etc...
Although that is NO reason to hurt someone you love.
I do think he may be using PTSD as an excuse to react poorly in stressful situations. Just like some alcoholics use their drinking as an excuse for their poor behavior.
Let me put it this way - there are plenty of alcoholics and drug addicts that DO NOT hit their wife/kids/signifcant other. His violent reaction is his choice and noones fault but his own.0 -
You're making excuses for him.
She needs to get out. If she doesn't and this escalates (and it will) she and her children will be in a worse position or dead.
Get out. Go home to her family. Go to the police. Whatever. Make something happen. Go to a shelter. Leaving and dealing with diminished income and financial hardship will be difficult, but not as difficult as the time her kids will have growing up in an abusive household and/or without a mother and/or a father in prison.
PTSD is just a cop out excuse for not dealing with his anger/stress.
Actually PTSD is a real disease and it's proven that the traumatic experiences actually change part of the brain. He needs help. A soldier who comes home with PTSD is just as wounded as one who comes home missing a leg.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14728092
That being said, while he gets the help she needs to try and get out of the house. There are plenty of hotlines and shelters she can go to. Could she perhaps get a job at a daycare where she could take her kids?
I am not saying it's not a valid psychological syndrome. I'm saying it does not excuse his actions. I'm sorry he has experienced this trauma, but he is aware of it and he needs to deal with it via counseling, medication or both. There IS NO EXCUSE for taking it out on his wife and family. I have absolutely no sympathy for a person that falls back on these kinds of excuses for hurting others, rather than dealing with them. Life is hard sometimes. Sack up and deal with it like a man.0 -
road dog is 100 percent correct
ever hear of Charles Whitman? He had very similiar problems...........what did he end up doing?
He shot his wife, his mother in law, then went to the top of the U.T tower and shot and then about 14 innocent people walking in , near or around the University of Texas campus back in 1966........and he was in the Navy
dont make excuses for him, please ,he is sick
and remember, do whats best for those babies, dont hesitate, put an order against him, document everything and get out.......
Ill pray for your friend and hope that she finds the way............Lloyd0 -
I am retired military. I think all Air Force bases have a domestic violence hot line. I don't know about the other branches of service, but she should be able to get help at the base Family Support Center, or whatever the equivalent is for her base.
If she doesn't get the help there that she needs, and she feels that she or her children are in danger, then she MUST contact her husband's commander or First Sergeant and get help. Yes, it will probably hurt his career. But at the end of the day, he will get the help he needs and she will be assisted to get to a safe place. Better than her dead and him in jail.
I hope everything turns out OK for her. Good luck.0 -
Look I agree he needs help did you say his new job was with the military?
If she is going to leave tell her to start slowly hiding money so she has the funds to go.0 -
there should be an ombudsman for her to contact...or the base chaplain. they hear these things all the time...it happens all the time.
I contacted the ship's ombudsman (Navy) who helped me the best she could...the chaplain contacted his CO and he was forced to hand over his family pay....for 1 month. If she's really concerned about her children then she will leave. She has to want it though. Money or a place to stay shouldn't be an issue.
Tell her to be strong for her kids...she's not the only person to go thru this. 8 years later and i'm still alive...and don't regret a thing.0 -
www.militaryonesource.com Is a great website for all military branches and their families, with confidential referrals.0
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You're making excuses for him.
She needs to get out. If she doesn't and this escalates (and it will) she and her children will be in a worse position or dead.
Get out. Go home to her family. Go to the police. Whatever. Make something happen. Go to a shelter. Leaving and dealing with diminished income and financial hardship will be difficult, but not as difficult as the time her kids will have growing up in an abusive household and/or without a mother and/or a father in prison.
PTSD is just a cop out excuse for not dealing with his anger/stress.
Actually PTSD is a real disease and it's proven that the traumatic experiences actually change part of the brain. He needs help. A soldier who comes home with PTSD is just as wounded as one who comes home missing a leg.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14728092
That being said, while he gets the help she needs to try and get out of the house. There are plenty of hotlines and shelters she can go to. Could she perhaps get a job at a daycare where she could take her kids?
I am not saying it's not a valid psychological syndrome. I'm saying it does not excuse his actions. I'm sorry he has experienced this trauma, but he is aware of it and he needs to deal with it via counseling, medication or both. There IS NO EXCUSE for taking it out on his wife and family. I have absolutely no sympathy for a person that falls back on these kinds of excuses for hurting others, rather than dealing with them. Life is hard sometimes. Sack up and deal with it like a man.
I totally agree with everything you have to say. Yes, PTSD is real. However, that doesn't give him an excuse to abuse his wife!
I also have no sympathy for these kind of people. There are plenty of people with PTSD, I had it for a while after a series of bad events. I didn't take it out on anyone, saw counselors, and learned to move on.
I just want to say, in case anyone suggests this, although she is your friend I do not recommend you taking her in. This will endanger your own family.
Best of luck with this situation and I hope your friend can get out of this >_<0 -
PSTD can make otherwise sane people do very bad things. I have first hand experience. After my ex's last tour something in him snapped and he became a liability to himself and a very great danger to me and the general public. There is a great stigma attached with reporting it and it can ruin military careers. Luckily, I convinced him to get help but not before it destroyed our relationship. In other words, don't hold your breath that he'll get help, instead get her help through the Military Family Resource Centre (this is what it's called in Canada). There should be an American equivalent.0
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Waffle House. I'm not ****ting you. If you have a halfway decent head on your shoulders, they'll hire you. Most stores will treat you like family from day one. They pay in cash weekly, they'll almost always help you with a ride and a lot of time all the women will have the same sitter. I know its not a job a lot of people want, but they really do treat their employees well for a restaurant. And they don't put up with mean/abusive customers. If he comes looking for her, they'll put him out.0
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She needs to seek help .. and get out of that household. I believe she can seek councilling and support through the military, too if I'm not mistaken. If he is as bad as you say he is .. things will not improve .. not without help. If she chooses to stay, she is not only putting her life in jeopardy, but the safety of those children (both physcially, mentally and emotionally). THEY are watching this "show" every painful and terrifying moment of it .. and are learning skills from it...which are horrifyingly corrupt and damaging.
I don't believe he is "too busy" .. Not for a second! No one is 'too busy' to stop themselves from doing catastrophic damage .. to the family unit. People die under THESE circumstances .. including children! This is not just bad behaviour .. It could turn out to be lethal.
Please, help her seek councilling and safety. There are places with the means to help battered women find a satisfactory haven and further find skills and tools to be able to provide a life for those kids.
Please .. don't take this lightly .. I'm sure you must FEEL it in the pit of your stomach! .. I don't even know these people .. and I feel it!
not taking it lightly at all, i am doing all i can and so is she but finding a place is very hard!
I understand how hard it is .. but, what is the alternative? Paying for therapy for emotionally damaged children who are witnessing this is HARD. Those kids are stuck in the middle of all this .. THEY have no options and they shouldn't pay the ultimate price ... Planning a funeral for a family is MUCH harder yet.0
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