friendship is dying, when to say goodbye?

godblessourhome · October 2011

a friend and i met at a knitting class three years ago and hit it off. we would meet twice a week to knit. about 6 months into our friendship, we started running together. she would come down to my area twice a week (my area was on her way home from work) and i would drive up to hers once a week. we did several 5k runs and walks together, including costumes. we got together for supper and movies with a group of friend once a month.

for the last year, we haven't had much in common. she has stopped knitting (she says she doesn't have the time). she has stopped running (she says she doesn't have the energy). getting together for supper and/or a movie has been difficult and frustrating. the last several planned events haven't happened for one reason or another, sick kids (mine), too tired from the dog waking her up or long day at work (hers).

when we do get together, we no longer have common hobbies (we don't even watch the same tv shows), so it is harder and harder to find topics to talk about. we are opposites in personality - she is shy and serious; i am out-going and whimsical. we also have fundamental differences in our home life - she is single; i am married. she is a career women working downtown; i am a stay-at-home-mom. so no commonality there.

i know she is frustrated with the amount of time it takes me to communication with her. she will email me about doing something and it takes me several days to get back to her on if it will work. she will call at noon and leave a message to do something at 6 that night. when i call back at 4:30 because i've been gone all day, she is irritated that it took that long to return a call.

right now, she is on a trip and we are supposed to get together to view pictures and catch up when she returns. the easy way to help the friendship end is just to not get together with her after her trip. time passes and it's difficult to get together and we both just stop bothering, right? no dramatic declarations or fight or drawn-out goodbyes or anything...

i do really like this girl. she is nice, smart, a good listener, generous. i will miss spending time with her if i decide not to continue the friendship. i have several acquaintances that i enjoy spending time with but not as often as i was hanging out with this friend. however, i feel she will be more impacted by a loss of our friendship than i would.

so would you end it or try to save it? if you vote to save it, some suggestions for finding common interests/activities again would be appreciated.

rluxie · October 2011

I have a friendship like yours for 20 years. About 7 years ago i drifted away and my friend let me. I was suffering from depression and rarely left the house except for work. (I was the working friend, however, we were both married with kids.). When her youngest graduated from HS I forced myself to attend his party. For 3 years I hadn't seen anyone. My friend and I spoke 3 or 4 times a year on the phone and I sent birthday presents to her through my husband or I would drive to her home at 6 in the morning and drop them in her mailbox. She had no idea because she never pushed it. Today we are the same as we had been prior to that. My depression is gone but she often says, "Why didn't you tell me?" I don't respond, how can I? What I really think is why didn't you know something was terribly wrong? I know she was busy raising her children as was I somehow we survived.

It sounds like you have outgrown the relationship. That is ok. But you are the one who takes days to respond to an email or hours to return a call for something to do that evening. Maybe she's upset because taking hours to return the call to say you can't go leaves her without options to ask someone else to go. She asked you first; she's been left no alternative.

Friends come to us while they are needed and drift apart. Ending the friendship the way you suggest is probably the kindest way to do so. But should she not take the hint and call or email and invite you, respond asap with your decline. Eventually, she will stop inviting you and your friendship can be one of those beautiful memories held safely in your hearts.

ajbeans · October 2011

I'm not a sentimental person, as my husband likes to remind me often. :-P But I guess I would just let things slide and see what happens. If you think of her and want to get together, then get together. If she contacts you and wants to hang out, then do it. But don't force it. People grow and change, and I personally feel like long-term friendships are only possible if neither person changes, or if they only make changes that they can both make together, and I don't feel like that's healthy. I've had several friends that have gone by the wayside, not because of any animosity, but just because we've grown apart. It's normal, and it's ok. I would still be there for any one of those people if they needed me, and I know they'd be there for me.

I guess it just depends on *why* you want to hang onto the friendship. If you feel there would be a void in your life without her, then make it work. But if it's just that you don't want to let go of the friendship because you don't want to feel like a bad person, that's not really a good reason to force the issue if you're naturally growing apart.

goodasgoldilox165 · October 2011

"i do really like this girl. she is nice, smart, a good listener, generous. i will miss spending time with her "

This is an awkward time in your lives...but it seems that the two of you have something worthwhile!

It does sound as if she is going through some difficult times - perhaps there is more going on than you know at the moment.

I can see that you are very different - and so more likely to end up with occasional rifts - but there is great value in those differences. Friendships like this can bring new light to an old world - for you both. It is good to have a different angle on things. (One of the great things about MFP friends is the way they are so varied)

There must be something that you could still connect over? Something not too time-consuming perhaps? -I'd say, don't put the fire out completely - tend it gently and see if the tiny flame rekindles in the future.

kit_katty · October 2011

Hmm... it sounds like it's both of you who aren't accomodating or whatnot. If you decide you want to save the friendship, I'd suggest maybe seeing if you two could take up a new hobby together, that sort of thing. Also, you would need to have a talk about how to communicate better, do you have a cellphone she could call or text rather than you ending up getting back to her because she left a message at home not work, can you check your emails more often, etc. If you don't want to save the friendship, well, it was nice while it lasted, these things do happen. But I'd suggest maybe having a frank talk with her either way. So she knows it's not you being mean or anything.

godblessourhome · October 2011

Maybe she's upset because taking hours to return the call to say you can't go leaves her without options to ask someone else to go. She asked you first; she's been left no alternative.

actually, the couple of times that it happened, i would call her back to say i could go, but she would reply that she was no longer interested in doing it. i am reading between the lines that the reason is because she was frustrated with the amount of time it took me to call her back. maybe not.

i don't have a cell phone and i won't get one.

it takes me time to get get back to her on email because i have differing schedules to figure out. i have to make sure hubby is free to watch the boys, that he is willing (normally it is fine, but sometimes it is not), that the boys don't have an activity, that i am not busy with something else. yes, i could get back to her sooner, but that is probably not going to change.

i believe she is depressed/becoming depressed and takes the wait as a personal attack against her.

godblessourhome · October 2011

I'm not a sentimental person, as my husband likes to remind me often. :-P But I guess I would just let things slide and see what happens. If you think of her and want to get together, then get together. If she contacts you and wants to hang out, then do it. But don't force it. People grow and change, and I personally feel like long-term friendships are only possible if neither person changes, or if they only make changes that they can both make together, and I don't feel like that's healthy. I've had several friends that have gone by the wayside, not because of any animosity, but just because we've grown apart. It's normal, and it's ok. I would still be there for any one of those people if they needed me, and I know they'd be there for me.

I guess it just depends on *why* you want to hang onto the friendship. If you feel there would be a void in your life without her, then make it work. But if it's just that you don't want to let go of the friendship because you don't want to feel like a bad person, that's not really a good reason to force the issue if you're naturally growing apart.

good food for thought! thanks.

godblessourhome · October 2011

I can see that you are very different - and so more likely to end up with occasional rifts - but there is great value in those differences. Friendships like this can bring new light to an old world - for you both. It is good to have a different angle on things. (One of the great things about MFP friends is the way they are so varied)

i agree.

godblessourhome · October 2011

But I'd suggest maybe having a frank talk with her either way. So she knows it's not you being mean or anything.

i knew i would get that advice.

it should be simple to do, but i hate confrontation.

ProudMomoftwo · October 2011

I have a similar friendship here.
We were seeing each other ALL the time and really quick friends for about 5yrs. Many things in common. Always at each others house. Always helping each other out with things or projects or whatever. Even had an American Idol tv night once a week.

Once her house burnt down and all her attention focused on rebuilding, our differences really started to show.
Her kids are much older than mine and her free time was consumed by the new house. She stopped riding her horses ( our main commonality ) and going on group rides. She stopped her guided ride business too ( which we were a part of as well ).
I felt like there was a rift between us but I understood why.
Can't say I would be any different if our roles were reversed.
We are still friends and see each other about every 6months or so at some event or another. We still send each other silly emails a couple times a month or she might email me if she thinks I could use something ( like when they had some trees taken down she thought my Dh might like the wood ).
She emailed me when she picked up a trailer load of melons b/c she thought I would like a bunch of them - and I did!
I saw her Dh in the grocery store - She sent me some pics of him in a parade on his new motorcycle...things like that.
Maybe this is where your relationship with this friend is going. It is still a friendship but things have changed on one or both end and neither of you are making the same amount of effort to keep it going that you once were.
That is ok.
It doesn't have to be so intense to be a good friendship.
The intensity burned itself out and now you will like to maybe get together now and then when schedules permit.
I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

Keep pushing forward....

godblessourhome · October 2011

Maybe this is where your relationship with this friend is going. It is still a friendship but things have changed on one or both end and neither of you are making the same amount of effort to keep it going that you once were.
That is ok.
It doesn't have to be so intense to be a good friendship.
The intensity burned itself out and now you will like to maybe get together now and then when schedules permit.
I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

thank you so much for posting this! i tend to see thing is black and white, and this opened up a whole new line of thinking for me. i kept thinking our friendship had to be similar to what it was or it was done, but maybe there is room for another casual friend that i don't get together with that often. i appreciate your insight!

Italianyc84 · October 2011

I don't think you HAVE to say goodbye or end the friendship; you don't have to "break up". Just get together when you can (since you say you still like her). You may not be as close as you were before, but that's ok.

friendship is dying, when to say goodbye?

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