Ridiculous parents!!

deanadimples
deanadimples Posts: 419 Member
edited October 4 in Chit-Chat
I know this isn't fun and games, but I guess I need an opinion. Or maybe just a vent to any ear out there that will understand.

I've been divorced 6 yrs. Last time my kids were at their dads (daughter 15/son 12), my dau was sick with a fever and didn't perform in her music performance (she's in a local symphony w me). BUT....dad and his oh so delightful wife let her go out with her BF (despite her 101 temp). I knew they would do this. The music thing involves me so they will do anything to upset that tree branch. When he came home, I asked my son if she went out Sat night and he said she went out with her BF. This is his only involvement.

Needless to say, dau got in trouble and her music teacher cut her. Why teach lessons to a girl who won't perform cuz she has a BF? When I told my dau, she immediately attacked her brother with a remote and proceeded to berate me (she's oppositional defiant...and step mom uses her defiance with me to play us against each other). After ber lBF took her phone for texting (step mom) and smirking while I was talking to her, she took the home phone and called her step mom to tell them how she was "ratted out by her brother".

Here's the diliema...my daughter is never in the wrong with them. (Step mom wants to be her BFF in the "we hate mom crusade".) And because she got in trouble for attacking her brother and getting mouthy with me, MY SON IS IN TROUBLE with them!

Apparently HE cannot tattle (he was only answering a question honestly)....but my 15 yr old can call and tell them he did and that isn't tattling??? I even got a text from step mom saying my son was LYING...how was that possible when my own dau said she went out!?

My BF was so upset when I got a text from stepmom saying son was in in big trouble for lying, he called my ex . First time they have talked and we've dated 4 yrs. Then his wife texted me as my ex husband and told me "he" doesn't want anymore calls from my *kitten* BF. Real adults here.

He just left with his dad...and his dad told him once again he's in trouble. WTF

This just sickens me. I can't talk to my ex because his wife won't let him. And you can reason with him because he will do what SHE wants. My poor son is a good kid, he's in gifted & talented, is honest and nice as can be. Now for the next 48 hrs he's going to be in trouble for being honest by people who call themselves parents, even though thy won't attend a single little league or football game and had never seen their kids perform in music shows. All because his wife is a 50 yr old bully who doesn't want to deal with kids.

I just feel helpless. It's not like I can call DHS for a kid being in trouble for something stupid because they aren't "beating him". Anyone have some advice on how to deal with this backwards parenting???

Replies

  • AnninStPaul
    AnninStPaul Posts: 1,372 Member
    I have no answers...but applaud your efforts and consistency. Well done!
  • MissFit0101
    MissFit0101 Posts: 2,382
    This makes me sad. Isn't your son old enough to choose whether he wants to go visit his dad or not?
  • drvvork
    drvvork Posts: 1,162
    That's emotional abuse and my only advice (I've raised steps and watched the spirit of my own chldren get sucked out by step-parents). Is to just sit back and let your children know you love them... you may have to go as far as to tell the daughter to go and live with Dad and her Step Mom... I had to do that - it was about 2 months later when my daughter called and asked to come back home. It is extremely heart-wrenching. My children are both grown adults and are still very close to me even though their young years were rough for me to watch but they had to learn on their own that my intentions were in good faith and never a foul word about Dad to either. My children have and still are at odds but someday they will have to come into their own on that and can only pray it happens before I die. I don't know if you are religious but I have a faith and will pray for your situation(s) in the hopes it doesn't take as long as mine did to straighten out. :heart:
  • 0PhAtDaDdY
    0PhAtDaDdY Posts: 569 Member
    Take him back to court for higher increase in child support which you can do every few years this might wake him/them up....
  • angee1126
    angee1126 Posts: 185 Member
    Wow....sorry to hear that.....I've been in this position before....and since your kids are old enough to make a decision whether they want to go or not, your son should have stayed home with you. I've given one of my sons that option when the Ex and his wife were constantly telling him he's in trouble....(well the wife knows not to tell my boys anything now cuz I'll knock the **** out of her lol) But yeah, my ex does the same thing with his loser wife and my boys know how he will do anything she says. All i can offer is to continue to stay strong & don't take their crap!
  • cppeace
    cppeace Posts: 764 Member
    sorry for all your trouble hon.. Glad you got it all out and hope it starts getting better soon
    Would hug ya if I could
  • mmoyer1978
    mmoyer1978 Posts: 124 Member
    I don't have an answer either, just a wishful thought: someone needs to punch the 50yr old teenager in the throat. Not that you could ever really do that because she sounds like the kind of woman who would press assault charges even though it's what she deserves. But it's fun to think about...
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
    Unfortunately, I cannot comment on this because there are too many people involved and i only have one person's take on the situation.

    I'm sorry you are having a rough time and I hope everything works out. :flowerforyou:
  • elvb
    elvb Posts: 423 Member
    This is my worst fear for my older two children. Thankfully, their father lives in CA and I'm in OH. I can only imagine what his wife would say/do to my kids.
    Are these people only "weekend parents"? It might help ease your sons mind, remembering this, if it's the case. He doesn't LIVE with these people and only has to be in "trouble" for 48 hours. Deal with it, then go home, where he knows he is loved and appreciated. My heart breaks for your poor boy!!!
  • HazelElfwand
    HazelElfwand Posts: 83
    Im so sad to hear your story. The bond you and your children have will not be broken but a stupid stepmom. She will never take your place. Your daughter and you will grow closer if you continue to be there for her. Sit her down and explain to her why you didnt want her going out. If her bf wanted to come over to take care of her, cool! But you didnt want her getting more sick and you had her best interests at heart! Keep being there for her, and you cant control what your ex does. Just continue to teach your kids to be honest and true to themselves. Theyre being teenagers...I remember that phase. :) Good luck
  • MeredithRN
    MeredithRN Posts: 119 Member
    This makes me sad :-/

    My son's father doesn't see him but once every 9-13 months and just recently married a woman from the Philippines he met who not only has never met his kids, but isn't even a part of the same culture. This isn't my rant however, I'm just saying- I can't imagine what will be happening for me down the road.

    As a product of divorce- can your son choose to not go? I refused to go when I was in 6th grade. Its crap that the "authorities" don't get involved unless there is physical going on... emotional damage can leave scars too.
  • Leslietheriot
    Leslietheriot Posts: 303 Member
    It's all childish bs. I'm assuming that his current wife knew that he had children when she married him. I have been in 3 different relationships where the men had children...small children...that I helped take care of. I made it a point to befriend the mothers of the children so we had a support network and the children were put first...was not always easy to befriend them but it eventually worked because they finally realized that I was in it for the best interest of THEIR children or they realized that I loved the children enough to provide a safe, loving environment for them while the mother was out partying or whatever. But anyway, my point is that I went out of my way to put these children first and to give them the life they deserved...NOT to use them against anyone else. She sounds like a ***** and if he cannot see what she is doing or if he is condoning his wife's behavior or just following her lead as not to cause trouble in his home then he isn't much of a man either. It sucks that they are playing your children like that and in the long run the only ones that will be hurt are the children.
  • MeredithRN
    MeredithRN Posts: 119 Member
    I don't have an answer either, just a wishful thought: someone needs to punch the 50yr old teenager in the throat. Not that you could ever really do that because she sounds like the kind of woman who would press assault charges even though it's what she deserves. But it's fun to think about...

    This made me laugh!
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    I don't know where you are but I do know that here in California, once the kids are 12+ it is really up to them who they want to live with and if they want to visit the other parent.

    Your son has a choice as does your daughter. I would send her to live with her father. She is old enough and sounds manipulative enough that this would probably be the best option for you in regards to her especially if she is getting her brother in trouble with them deliberately. It would probably be best for your son for her to go to her dads' as well. Just be aware that especially with her ODD, she will be bouncing back and forth between you and her dad as long as you let her. Any time one or the other of you makes her angry, she will want to live with the other parent.

    Your son can choose not to go to his dads. The only thing is, he needs to be the one to tell them this, in writing and photocopied by you. You cannot be the one who says he can't go because then they can get you in trouble over not following visitation rules. They may make a stink anyway but tell them to consult a lawyer with the letter and the lawyer will tell them they are up the creek without a paddle.

    I've been the child in a similar situation so I'm pretty much speaking from experience.
  • lmelangley
    lmelangley Posts: 1,039 Member
    You're in a terrible position, and I wish I had a solution for you. Sounds to me like your ex's current wife feels threatened by you. I think the best you can do is keep on as you have been, make sure you tell your kids every day that you love them, and never ever talk bad about your ex or his current wife in front of the kids. The only alternative I can come up with is for you to ask the court for a mediator to look at your situation and try to come up with some sort of plan. But, it doesn't sound like that would work well, given how your ex and his wife are acting now. Good luck, and give your son an extra hug from us.
  • maidentl
    maidentl Posts: 3,203 Member
    While it really sucked that my parents got a divorce when I was 40 years old, sometimes I am really glad they waited until I was 40 years old. That sounds like such a mess. :(
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    This makes me very sad, my kids are so young but I worry about these things.

    Dear I hope it gets better soon and the best you can do is stay consistant. It's so unfortunate to me when one parent has to go and try and undo damage from the others.

    I'm so very sorry.

    I wish I had some advice. I'd be livid.
  • deanadimples
    deanadimples Posts: 419 Member
    Thanks for the support. It helps! I could write a book with the things this woman has told me and my kids. (Kids ARE the best birth control....I will stay with your dad forever just to spite you)...horrendous things!!!!

    I can't take him to court for more money. It all goes by income, not situation....even if I had full custody.

    I have talked to lawyers who told me unless he's a druggie or abuses them physically, I have no stance. I have visited with 2 different counselors on how to parent the daughter and her defiance nature. Both counselors saw the ill parenting on the other side. One even called them a-holes.

    I have offered my daughter to live with her dad. She told me she would never speak to me again and he told her and me "you aren't living with me". My son told my ex's mother that he wishes I would marry my BF so he'd have a dad.

    My dau texted me late tonight to say after this weekend she is never going there again. I'm not sure why but I will find out when they get back. Maybe after this weekend, neither of them will go and we will be done with it all.

    My ex is really going to hate me come spring when he gets the letter about paying for college. My oldest is graduating this year. She hates him and his wife so much she hasn't spoken a word to them since she was 13. The other 2 have tried, but I fear they are headed down the same path.
  • bluangelz
    bluangelz Posts: 33 Member
    I am soory that your kids have to go through this. They are old enough to decide NOT to visit. I am a step mom to 2 boys. I would never stand in the way of him talking to the exes! Only because I do not want to do it. In the beginning I had to be the referee between them and that got old quickly. Anyway, my oldest is now 17 and we have not seen him for 5 years now by his choice. Sadly his mother has never had a nice word to say about his dad, and she has raised him to hate his dad as much as she does. We could have taken her to court for parental alination but chose not too. We just decided to respect his choice with the hopes that when he grows up and gets older he will have second thoughts about a realtionship with his dad.

    I hope things get better for you and your kids.
  • deanadimples
    deanadimples Posts: 419 Member
    My kids came back....at 2pm today. God forbid it be the 6pm set by the courts. Oh well, I don't mind and they certainly aren't upset about it.

    When my daughter got mouthy and attacked her bro with the remote, she was grounded for 12 days. The usually week just wasn't working so she got 12 days.

    My sons punishment at his dads is the same amount of time I grounded my daughter for ATTACKING her brother physically and mouthing off to me. When I asked why he was in trouble he said "for lying". I asked him "How is telling me she went out when she did, lying?". He told me it was because he didn't know the whole story. Huh??!! She went out. It doesn't matter how long or what she did or if she went to the moon and back. He DIDNT LIE!! They are punishing him because they are mad at me. And mad at my BF for calling them out on the carpet.

    Here's the kicker. Since my son is 12 and doesn't really have a social life. His "grounding" means he has to spend the ENTIRE weekend in his room. No tv, no gaming systems. He said he read the same book 3 TIMES this weekend. It will take him 4+ visits to get 12 days.

    That is some sad parenting.
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