I have a confession to make.

I have once again become a closet eater. I thought I had broken that habit but it's snuck back up on me. At work, I'm known as the girl who won't eat junk food. I get praised for passing on cake, pizza, sweets and all the other junk food that comes around. I say no every time. I hear constantly that they wish they had my will power.

But what my co-workers don't know is that I USED to be that girl. I used to be the girl that said no. I used to wait until my 1 cheat day and that was it. What they don't know is that at home, I'm just like them. I just don't want them to see it because I like that they are proud of me. I like being the girl who says no.

But it's a lie and I'm sick of lying. I'm ashamed and I hate that feeling. It conjurs up all kinds of memories of my past. Hiding in my room with a bag of chips. Eating ice cream sandwiches, fudgesicles and other bad snacks and hiding the wrappers. The look of disappointment in my mother's face when she found them and berated me in front of the rest of the family for eating them. The neighbour who stopped asking me to babysit because I would eat all the snacks that were supposed to be for the kids I was babysitting! Shame. I really do hate it.

I want to go back to being the girl who says no because I was proud of that girl. Where did she go?

A few months ago, right around when I hit Onederland, I started slacking off and allowing myself a snack I normally wouldn't eat through the week. A handful of bits and bites here, a cookie there. It wasn't very often and I still worked out 5-6 days a week so I still managed to lose weight on the scale. Subconsciously, I think I started pushing the limits of what I could get away with. People were still telling me I looked good. People were still telling me that I motivated them. But little by little, my sneaking became a little more frequent. While making dinner, now I find myself snacking on whatever I can get my hands on and then "forgetting" to add it on mfp. Closet eating at it's best. I don't even want my virtual friends to know. If I could do that and still enjoy the fatty treats, why not? Who was I harming?

Well last week, a little alarm went off. I had a gain of 1.8lbs. I tried to tell myself that I was good all week. I looked at my meals from the week before and sure enough, I was pretty good. Except for all those little things I didn't add on. And instead of seeing a gain and working hard to get it back off, I went the opposite way. I ignored the alarm and pigged out on chips and chocolates for 3 days instead. And felt ashamed the whole time. Ashamed that I don't have the control I thought I did. Ashamed that I still don't have this weight loss beat. Ashamed that I haven't been honest with my friends and co-workers or even myself.

Well the secret is now out. Hello world. My name is Lisa and I'm a closet eater. But that's all about to change because this feeling of shame is not taking over my life again. I'm taking control right now before I get any further out of control. I screwed up but I'm owning it. I can do better. I have done better. I will do better again and I'm doing it one step at a time. Today is November 1st and I will not have any unhealthy snacks. And when I go to bed tonight, knowing that I did it, I'll feel pride...for the first time in a long time. And that is what is going to motivate me to do it again tomorrow.