Boyfriend Help!

mjg08060
mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
edited October 4 in Motivation and Support
Hey guys.
So I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I am 21. This means we have been together since I was 14. Lately I have felt a little disconnected from him. I don't know if its because I am so busy with my studies but either way, it is unusual. First, my sex drive has well, vanished. The second thing is, every time he meets new friends he hangs out with them all of the time and its kind of upsetting. He texts me when hes going to a party and it just feels like he is rubbing it in my face. So I guess my two questions are: Is it normal for sex drives to decrease over time and is it healthy? and also, am I wrong to be upset that when he gets new friends he basically blows me off? Even on weekends when I am not busy he hangs with friends. Has anyone been in a long relationship and had this problem? What did you do?

Replies

  • Ritala1987
    Ritala1987 Posts: 135 Member
    i am 24 and have been with my, now husband since we were 14 also. there have been times when sex drive (on my part) has been low, although in saying that, its usually when i am unwell or tired. there have never been major "dry spells" in our relationship, and at the moment its better than ever! but im pretty sure its normal, especially after SO long being together, and everyone is different. it may also be because you are upset with him that this is happening aswell. I definatley think that you have a right to be upset with him blowing you off, i also think its healthy to spend time apart ( not all the time though) maybe you should start doing the same and see how he reacts!!!!
  • itsshadowwithane
    itsshadowwithane Posts: 114 Member
    ! i think its probably normal for sex drive to slow down a bit...but the times where you spike that drive back up should do it!..

    2. he should be inviting you to parties with him at least some of the time

    3. he should be wanting to spend time with you!
  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
    Well i think the sex drive part has a lot to do with the way he's acting towards you and you feeling disconnected towards him.

    honestly, you're young. i'd take a break and see what else is out there if it were me.
  • mjg08060
    mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
    Thanks for the insight. Its not a major dry spell but it comes and goes in phases. I think your right, maybe time away from him will make it better. I think once I get some space he will see what I am feeling but it will allow us to appreciate things more.
  • jalara
    jalara Posts: 2,599 Member
    To put it bluntly, you're growing up and growing apart. It's rough, it sucks and it hurts but most everyone goes through it at some point.

    Neither of you are the same people you were when you were 14, but it's hard to walk away because you've grown accustomed to the other person's presence. It's okay - that's supposed to happen.

    But at 21 I believe people need to spend time figuring out who they are as individuals as well as cultivating the person they will grow into. It's hard to do that when you're attached to someone else.

    This isn't to say that young love shouldn't or won't survive. It's just to say that that is the exception, not the rule.

    If you're reaching out to an online forum for support and help, odds are you already know in your heart of hearts what is right for you, but are having trouble coming to terms with it. And that's okay.

    Not sure if this helps, but maybe it will help you consider a different perspective?
  • MIMITIME
    MIMITIME Posts: 405 Member
    A four hour daily commute is a lot. Between your school and your commute, I am sure you are exhausted most of the time. You may be trying to do too much at one time and it could be interfering with your quality of life. You have lost quite a bit of weight and look beautiful in your photo. Maybe you should just try to maintain until you get a break from school. With your busy schedule, your boy friend may feel like you don't have time for him. I expect your lack of sex drive is tied into your exhaustion as you are very young. I am an old lady. I always tried to do all and be all. Some times you have to put on the breaks and regroup. Good Luck
  • Captain_Mal
    Captain_Mal Posts: 945 Member
    I hate to be the one to say this BUT.... If you and him have only been with each other dating wise since you both were 14, maybe it's time to go out and meet some new people. What you interpret as him "blowing you off" may just be him hanging out with new people. It could be possible the relationship has run it's course. Maybe taking some time apart, possibly dating other people even would clarify your feelings for each other. As far as sex drive goes, it's normal for it to wane at times. I would suggest just being open with him about how you feel. Maybe it's just miscommunication.
  • Fa_Cube_Itch
    Fa_Cube_Itch Posts: 5
    Losing sex drive at 21 is not normal. But maybe the relationship ran it's course? I dunno. You *should* have a talk with him to see if he's feeling the same.
  • mjg08060
    mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
    Poisongirl- a lot of people have suggested that, for us to take a break. I think the hard part about that is he is all I know, literally and the attachment runs deep because he went through a lot of family problems with me as a support person. The other thing is, how to you leave when you live together and your afraid of being alone?
  • waynehowie
    waynehowie Posts: 6
    My wife and I have been together since we were 21 and we are both 40 now. I have learned that a sex drive is a very complicated thing and that it takes alot of work from both people for things to work out in the bedroom. But most importantly a sex life is not what counts later on down the road. Communication, trust, respect.... are but just a few things that will make a relationship work in the long run. Once you have some kids, mortgage, business, career that takes you from home.... and the list goes on, the very last thing that is the glue that holds you togehter will be sex. I am 40 now and I know when I am 70 and no longer care about sex my wife will be the person I want to spend all my free time with.
  • Eleanorjanethinner
    Eleanorjanethinner Posts: 563 Member
    Hi there,

    I guess it's time for you to assess what you want from a relationship with a boyfriend.

    Have a good think, maybe write it down, talk to your friends and then consider is your boyfriend fufilling his side of the bargain?

    If not, can you talk to him about it and will he change or is it time to find someone who will work with you?

    Also, what do you consider your role is? Are you putting effort in too? or are you both taking each other for granted? Long term relationships take ongoing work, I think. (after 11 years of marriage and 18 years of being together in total).
  • mjg08060
    mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
    A four hour daily commute is a lot. Between your school and your commute, I am sure you are exhausted most of the time. You may be trying to do too much at one time and it could be interfering with your quality of life. You have lost quite a bit of weight and look beautiful in your photo. Maybe you should just try to maintain until you get a break from school. With your busy schedule, your boy friend may feel like you don't have time for him. I expect your lack of sex drive is tied into your exhaustion as you are very young. I am an old lady. I always tried to do all and be all. Some times you have to put on the breaks and regroup. Good Luck

    I most certainly think this has a lot to do with it and I feel bad because I am not always here and I am a busy person. I am sure my lack of sleep and abundance of homework is kicking my butt lol. Regrouping would be great :)
  • gracielou09
    gracielou09 Posts: 32
    Can you see yourself without him? Are you dependent on him? If your unhappy in your relationship tell him! you should be about to talk to him about anything after dating for so long. And sometimes people grow apart and this is very normal. Honestly I think he is treating you unfairly. Oh and the sex drive thing is totally normal. I go through it too especially under stress which seems to be what you are going through.
  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
    Poisongirl- a lot of people have suggested that, for us to take a break. I think the hard part about that is he is all I know, literally and the attachment runs deep because he went through a lot of family problems with me as a support person. The other thing is, how to you leave when you live together and your afraid of being alone?

    Well it's a risk, and you have to decide if the possibility of finding someone you're ultimately more compatible to grow old with is something that is worth it to you.

    I met my now husband when I was 19. He was also my first serious relationship. Had I known then what I know now, I would have waited and not rushed into everything and dated around to really decide what I needed and wanted. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I think I would have not settled quite so fast.
  • mjg08060
    mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
    To put it bluntly, you're growing up and growing apart. It's rough, it sucks and it hurts but most everyone goes through it at some point.

    Neither of you are the same people you were when you were 14, but it's hard to walk away because you've grown accustomed to the other person's presence. It's okay - that's supposed to happen.

    But at 21 I believe people need to spend time figuring out who they are as individuals as well as cultivating the person they will grow into. It's hard to do that when you're attached to someone else.

    This isn't to say that young love shouldn't or won't survive. It's just to say that that is the exception, not the rule.

    If you're reaching out to an online forum for support and help, odds are you already know in your heart of hearts what is right for you, but are having trouble coming to terms with it. And that's okay.

    Not sure if this helps, but maybe it will help you consider a different perspective?


    Yes it does help a lot. That thought has most certainly come across my mind. Another persons insight is nice right now. I think your right though, I think I do know how I feel about it and whats hard is making the adjustments to let go.
  • mjg08060
    mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
    Poisongirl- a lot of people have suggested that, for us to take a break. I think the hard part about that is he is all I know, literally and the attachment runs deep because he went through a lot of family problems with me as a support person. The other thing is, how to you leave when you live together and your afraid of being alone?

    Well it's a risk, and you have to decide if the possibility of finding someone you're ultimately more compatible to grow old with is something that is worth it to you.

    I met my now husband when I was 19. He was also my first serious relationship. Had I known then what I know now, I would have waited and not rushed into everything and dated around to really decide what I needed and wanted. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I think I would have not settled quite so fast.

    What you just said helped a lot. It is nice to hear of your opinion from personal experience. The thing is, if I am second guessing it now I am sure I will in the future too.
  • mjg08060
    mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
    Can you see yourself without him? Are you dependent on him? If your unhappy in your relationship tell him! you should be about to talk to him about anything after dating for so long. And sometimes people grow apart and this is very normal. Honestly I think he is treating you unfairly. Oh and the sex drive thing is totally normal. I go through it too especially under stress which seems to be what you are going through.

    I am independent, most certainly. In some aspects, I feel like he depends on me for a lot. I am happy with him almost all of the time, a lot of the things he does makes me smile even if they are silly. We talk quite a bit but the problem is he seems to be a brick wall. He has this worry that if he expresses his emotions it will result in a huge fight, but it never does. The things that I am unhappy with are usually about his friends and his choices in life. I like to have fun but he has developed this new lifestyle of smoking and drinking more than ever and I am not sure I could value that for the rest of my life. I think between that and the friend problems, I am getting pushed away. I don't want to be someone to tell him to give up what he is doing so I won't leave but I don't want to leave. Its this stubborn battle. I am happy to hear about the decreased sex drive under stress lol. I was becoming concerned there.
  • mjg08060
    mjg08060 Posts: 104 Member
    Thanks for all of the feedback guys, seriously, I appreciate it a bunch!!! Its nice to hear of a non-biased opinion because his friends and my friends have different views of it.
  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
    Can you see yourself without him? Are you dependent on him? If your unhappy in your relationship tell him! you should be about to talk to him about anything after dating for so long. And sometimes people grow apart and this is very normal. Honestly I think he is treating you unfairly. Oh and the sex drive thing is totally normal. I go through it too especially under stress which seems to be what you are going through.

    I am independent, most certainly. In some aspects, I feel like he depends on me for a lot. I am happy with him almost all of the time, a lot of the things he does makes me smile even if they are silly. We talk quite a bit but the problem is he seems to be a brick wall. He has this worry that if he expresses his emotions it will result in a huge fight, but it never does. The things that I am unhappy with are usually about his friends and his choices in life. I like to have fun but he has developed this new lifestyle of smoking and drinking more than ever and I am not sure I could value that for the rest of my life. I think between that and the friend problems, I am getting pushed away. I don't want to be someone to tell him to give up what he is doing so I won't leave but I don't want to leave. Its this stubborn battle. I am happy to hear about the decreased sex drive under stress lol. I was becoming concerned there.

    My husband has always had a problem opening up and talking about his feelings. He's 34. It doesn't get better. You'd think after being together 7 years it would. Nope.

    Seriously, do yourself a favor and take a break. You'll be thankful you did.
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