Husband Sabotage

Dauntlessness · November 2011

So, I have been married 10 years, 11 years in January to an amazing man that has been so supportive of almost everything I do. We have been through really bad times and really good ones too and he has never treated me any different. We really do love each other and plan on spending the rest of our lives together.

Since my weight loss journey I have lost weight and he has gained it. We both need to get out wedding rings re-sized, mine smaller, his bigger. Right now we are the same weight for the first time ever but I am skinnier because I work out.

He is used to having a super high metabolism and he was able to eat what ever he wanted in the past, but now that he is getting older, its not really working that way anymore. I try to make cal meals for dinner but it seems like every time I do he says "I will eat it" but complains that it is not my normal cooking. Like last night, I usually make a pie crust for chicken pot pie with 2 sticks of butter in it (Thats 1600 calories just in the butter, not including the flour) so I used Bisquick as a compromise. It was 250 calories less per serving. It was really yummy too. Again, he complained. I am not putting him on a crazy diet or anything, I am trying to create the best of both worlds. Now I keep running out of good low cal recipes because I dont want to serve sub par food...even though its homemade and pretty good.

He is so picky about his lunches and he eats out almost every day. If I pack his lunch, (like if he has a sandwich) which he will only eat once a week, maybe twice, everything has to be packaged separately. The turkey in a bag, cheese in a bag, tomato is a bag, lettuce in a bag, mayo in a Tupperware, etc etc. I still make it for him because its healthier then the alternative even if its a pain. But then, he wont tell me what he wants for rest of his lunches and he wont eat TV dinners or anything like that. Its really not my responsibility. I will make it for him, but I will not choose what he wants. That leaves me boxed into a corner.

He also will buy food or bring home food that is not good for me. I take responsibility for me part in it. Sometimes I will agree and go get a whoopee pie from the store. It is so tempting when he asks if I want Chinese food and it means I dont have to cook or when he tempts me with cold stone creamery ice cream. I don't want to say no because I feel like I deprive him of stuff he wants. I have suggested that he eat that stuff on his own but...again, He is eating unhealthy for lunches and I dont want that either... When we tried doing that before, it didn't last long anyways.

He started doing exercise videos at home because he refused to go to the gym with me, even though its free for me to bring a friend every day. He has stopped doing the exercise videos and when I suggest he should, he refuses. I asked him to go for walks with me, he refuses. I realize I cant make him exercise, and I don't nag him about it either but once in a great while I ask if he wants to do it with me just as a reminder.

He says "Good Job Honey" and supports me when I accomplish something. I just don't think he really understands the gravity of how hard I work. I am exercising for food, that's what I am doing now. I know I have the option of not eating the food he brings home but it is sooo hard not to be tempted when he is eating something I want in front of me.

Don't get me wrong, he is a great man. He is so loving, loyal, funny, and is a great husband that most girls would give their left leg for. lol I just need to figure this one out. In a marriage, you really do become one and some choices have to be made together. What happens when the other person doesn't cooperate?

Thanks for reading. (please be nice about your responses)

Ephena · November 2011

I wish I had an easy answer to that one but I'm not so good at healthy relationships, one thing I have learned is that you have to talk to each other. Like really talk. Sit him down and explain to him everything you just told us, maybe he didn't understand or things the way you thought he was. Try to get him to see things from your perspective.

Good luck!

Jill_newimprovedversion · November 2011

*BUMP* (to read later- and comment myself)
I hope you get some helpful responses.

doramouse · November 2011

He is a grown man - he makes his own choices. If he complains about what you cook, let him make his own dinner. And he can make his own lunches or go out. The whole packing each item in a separate bag.........well, that is your thing and if you don't mind, then you don't mind, but You can't control his eating or his exercise.
Sounds like you are working hard - good for you!!! Focus on your own journey and he'll come around. And if he doesn't - that is his choice. We all get tempted to eat take out chinese. I too love the break from cooking and know it won't kill me. It just makes my weight loss journey all that much longer. But I don't want to not each take out or get the occasional ice-cream. What worries me is that you are doing it to make him happy, rather than having it occasionally to make YOU happy.
If he wants to get an ice-cream, he can have one. If you say no thanks, he can still have one. If he doesn't still get it for himself - that is HIS CHOICE and you don't have to feel guilty about it. He's all grown up and can make his own decisions.
I get it - I do almost everything with my husband and it can feel weird to do something different BUT this is for you - and you have to just focus on that...........he'll come around when he's ready. And if he doesn't - you can't let it alter what you do.

ncole3 · November 2011

I understand your dilemna although I am not married. May I suggest that you ask him how he feels & be prepared for any response. He may have reservations but he won't really voice them until you really ask. As far as him coming to the gym, let him come on his own...when he is ready. You must be responsible for what you eat. It may help to have your food & snacks prepared so you are not tempted with evil things like "Cold Stone Cremery"! I have mentally replaced ice cream with good ol' nonfat yogurt....I just love the calorie alternative! Just my 2cents. I hope things gets better with hubby. :happy:

dustyhockeymom · November 2011

Your husband and my husband sound pretty similar. My husband wants to be healthy and thinner in theory, but doesn't want to eat differently and doesn't want to exercise. He likes to eat whatever he wants. And honestly he is probably could if he would exercise. My husband is very very supportive of me, but isn't changning his habits and will eat whatever he wants. Right now he is reguarly eating left over halloween candy daily while sitting right next to me. What I have realized is that I can't do anything to change him. I can only take care of myself and make choices for me. If he wants to go to a specific restaurant, I will either ask for a different choice or make the best possible choice at the restaurant he wants to go to. I can't talk to him about his choices or his fitness because all that does is cause him to dig his heals in and be stubborn. It will backfire. I have seen him making really slow shifts just based on seeing my success and setting a good example is all I can do. Take care of yourself and love him and support him regarless of his bad choices. Just don't let his bad choices impact you, even if it's hard.

cinditree · November 2011

That sounds frusterating, my husband is pretty supportive, but not fully on board. We really can't change anyone against their will. I know what I would do is pray about it and pray for my husband, that is what I do when I feel frusterated and we are not on the same page. I can't change him, but God can! I don't know where you stand on that, but it is what has worked for me

Sp1nGoddess · November 2011

You can't drag him along with you but you can be a good example and it sounds like you are - ( I have the same Chinese food, wings, etc. dilema....with my family) Maybe ask him to go for a walk or run with you, maybe you can train together for a charity race? Do a couch to 5K together? My husband yo-yo diets and yo-yo exercises. He gave up his gym membership not too long ago - I knew then that he is just not ready to do what it takes to be healthy. I find candy wrappers hidden in strange places... I would explain to him that bringing tempting or 'trigger foods' into your home is not supporting or helping you. Explain how important it is for you to be healthy and that he can help by not tempting you. Maybe (like my husband) he can stash his unhealthy snacks somewhere that you won't see them. If the does something healthy or supportive thank him or compliment him in some way. Men like to know that they are needed. Best of luck!

TiffanyW1014 · November 2011

I have to remind my husban ho wemotional this journey is. for the past 6 years I have weighed more than my husband (and he is 6'7'') now that I finally weigh less thank him it sometimes feels that he is trying to sabotage me. I know he means well but he does not understand how hard this is for me and what it mean to me to be healthy. Dinners are not fun at my house, he loves fast food and so do I but I have really been attempting to cook a lot of chicken type dinners and if he eats he eats and if not well then he is on his own. I try to explain to him that I am doing this for us and our family (mostly me) but if he isn't going to fully support me I'm still not stopping. Good luck but please remember that there are others out there in this situation so we all need to stick together!! Good luck!

GemmieNoWobbles · November 2011

Sounds kinda similar to me and Ben. I nag and nag him to make lunches rather than him buying not so great food from the canteen, if anything he should save money eating the food we have already bought rather than spending more money on other food. Annoys me something wicked. This morning I actually got hold of his wheely computer chair that he was sat on and wheeled him into the kitchen to make his lunch as he wouldnt get off the computer and refused to make lunch... hahahaha... he made his lunch this morning as I bascially dragged him into the kitchen and tipped him off his chair!!

Honestly though hun, there is only so much you can do. YOU eat healthy and stick of eating what you know you should, if he wants to buy ice cream or whatever let him but dont give in. Hopefully in the end he will see how amazing you are doing and encouraged to join you. Until then you cant actually make him.

Keep strong and do this for YOU!

fitplease · November 2011

He is a grown man - he makes his own choices. If he complains about what you cook, let him make his own dinner.

Maybe you can design meals together that you would both like to eat. Some couples even enjoy cooking together. Maybe he can pack his lunches with you on some nights?

As for exercise, don't push. Just tell him how good you feel when you do it. I know this helped me to try c25k. My sister brags about how great running makes her feel. So, I got curious when I read how many MFP'ers enjoyed this program. Who knows, maybe your hubby will try something when you least expect him to.

jdworth · November 2011

Well first off...grats for your weight loss and staying truly motivated to stay fit and healthy. As a person who up and down when it comes to weight loss and hitting the gym..the hardest part is getting back to it and then maintaining the daily routine. As most would agree...I don't like referring to it as a "diet"...but a healthy life change style. That would probably be my first advice to suggest to your husband. Your not trying to pressure anything on him...but I take it that this is the man whom you love and cherish and want to enjoy the rest of your life with and your probably just thinking big picture...ways down the future.

We as men can be stubborn at times and I for one catch myself living in the now...and sometimes not worrying about whats ahead. It's probably going to take some type of event to take place to get your hubby on board. For me personally, it was being diagnosed with high blood pressure, having to be put on medication and then reading/researching the effects long term...not something I could live with especially if the cause is preventable on my end. But in the long run..healthy communication is also key. Tell him exactly how you feel. Don't sugarcoat it.

thedeegan4 · November 2011

I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I went through this for the longest time. I have finally got him to get on the wagon with me. He even goes to Zumba with me now and joined the 90 day challenge. It's kind of a nice little competition between us and of course, since he's a guy he's kicking my butt in weight loss but it's benefiting the both of us. Hopefully one day, your husband will realize that he is hurting you and not helping you and will make an effort to eat better. I have a couple friend that are the same way. They complain all the time about how they need to lose weight but will do nothing to try and change. I finally gave up and learned that I can't make them do it, they have to want to do it on their own and I think that one of the girls has finally decided to give it a try.

UponThisRock · November 2011

-Stop trying to change him, won't work.

-When he brings home food that isn't good for you, if you can fit a little bit of it into your calories, then do so.

angel_eyes17 · November 2011

You have to continue to be strong against temptation. It doesn't mean you don't ever treat yourself. Treating yourself every now and then is important so you don't feel so restricted. So every now and then, when he offers you chinese food (its awesome not to have to cook) go for it. But for the most part, remain strong and refuse to eat it. I know it's difficult, but you can do it.

As far as cooking for him, make the meals you make, but just like you did with the pot pie, make it healthier. I look for healthier versions of recipes all the time and make those. I understand he may not like it, but this is where tough love comes in. Even if he complains or is not as happy with it, love him enough to be strong and do what is best for both of you and your health. I love my husband too much to make him unhealthy food. You obviously do as well because you go to such lengths to make his lunch for him. You sound like a great wife. Just give him some tough love whenever it is within your power to do so. When he is out, he does have his own free will and will eat what he wants. But do the best you can when you are making the meals.

My husband used to exercise with me. We were doing really well and then I injured my legs and had to stop. So of course, he stopped too. Now he doesn't seem to be able to get back into it. I've decided I'm just going to work out on my own, cook the healthier versions of our favorite meals and pray that he decides to make better decisions for his own sake.

Pristess · November 2011

Tough situation. You should continue to stock the cupboards with healthy foods and cook healthy. There are studies that show that typically, once one eats something several times, one actually starts to crave it. If the food is prepared and smells good, he will eat it, and you ignore his complaints. It is the change that makes him feel uncomfortable. Once the change is the norm, his complaints will go away. Otherwise, don’t concern yourself with what he eats, or if he exercises. He has to want to do it himself. You can’t have enough willpower for two people. It is just not possible. Lead by example. Do what is right for you. And pick out some dishes ahead of time from the Chinese restaurant and other favorites places that are on their weight watchers menu. Order the healthy alternative at his favorite restaurants. He can get whatever he wants. Don’t even mention it or make a big deal about it. When it comes to ice cream, get the smallest serving size possible and savor every bite. Make up for the added calories on one of the meals you eat without him.

Dauntlessness · November 2011

Thanks for the great advice. What I am getting from it is that I cant change him, I mean when I look how hard it was for myself to change, I cant imagine trying to change someone that's just not ready.

I think the best thing is to talk to him again and set some limits. Making his own choices for bagged lunches, not bringing home food (we go out to eat once a week so that's enough), unless he really dislikes a food, no complaining, only putting 1 sweet snack in the cart at the grocery store instead of several, not eating high cal food in front of me especially if I am not having a snack.

As far as guilt, I also feel so spoiled. I mean, I am stay at home, I get to tan, I go to the gym everyday spending like 40.00 a week in gas just for that, I have bought exercise equipment, new clothes, sneakers, HRM etc etc. He spends a bunch of money on electronics and stuff but I feel like I want to give back what he gives to me. I have got to stop using food to do that. Thats pretty unhealthy.

I realize that I am worth all this work, but I want to see the results. I am going to try to change my way of thinking so I respect myself but still are very supportive of him.
I have a appointment with a trainer later today to create a personalized exercise program because even though I work out 6 days a week, I am not progressing as fast as I should.

Thanks again, you all are awesome.

kit_katty · November 2011

My suggestion, have an honest talk about things. If you don't want to be tempted, tell him that you wont think him rude if he doesn't ask you, but that you don't want ice cream or chinese food. If you do, you'll suggest it, otherwise it's just making life harder for you. I wouldn't push him to eat healthier or exercise, that's his decision. As for dinners, tell him honestly that you're trying to compromise between what you used to eat full of calories and healthier foods, and see what can be done. Maybe make recipes that aren't like the ones you used to make, so there's no comparison. Also, I hear great things about www.skinnytaste.com. Good luck!

Husband Sabotage

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