breastfeeding/pcos nutrition question - long, sorry

Thank you both very much

The thing is that I lost down to 170 after a few weeks of delivering and I got hungry and ate when I was hungry. I gained 8 pounds by increasing my food. I wasn't monitoring my calories, so maybe I was eating too much of the wrong things which was cereal, rice, and some sweetish things. For some reason I was craving sweets so bad.

I have no idea what to eat anymore. I don't know where I am going to get those extra 'good' calories from and how I am going to lose instead of gain. Somehow I feel so scared of creeping over 180. Really... I am very scared.

Aisha

PS your daughter is very cute. The time does go by fast. I can't believe my first son is already 2 y 3 m old. I want him to stay little and keep cuddling with me hehe..

Gosh you are all so supportive and nurturing. I am sure many feel like I do about their weight in that it's such a sensative area and really has so much relationship with how we feel about ourselves and our happiness. It does for me anyway. I want to do what is best for me and for my baby of course. He was born prematurely, at 33-34 weeks because my appendix not only ruptured but I became septic and the surgery has a high risk of preterm labor. But there was no choice in taking that risk. It was all very traumatic. Apparently though my appendix had been inflammed off and on for a number of years, in other words for a very long time I was walking around with an appendicitis that could rupture any time. I had the same symptoms with my first son at 33 weeks and went to the hospital but they didn't realize it was my appendix because everything moves. It didn't rupture but it was one of the worst pains ever in my life. I remember having this pain off and on for a few years before that. So the surgeon told me that it ruptured and the infection spread everywhere inside and inside it's very sterile. The blood circulation was cut off called for a long time, years. Anyway, I always wondered why I felt bad and I always had elevated white cells. The drs always asked me if I was feeling alright. I said ehh I'm alright. Fatigue and feeling bad is so common that they don't really look too much into it. I chalked it off to all sorts of things.

The reason I'm writing all that is because I feel like I'm becoming a new person. Things that I can't believe I went through, lived through, and I gave birth without an epidural - not my choice but I didn't have a choice. Like I said, it was EXTREMELY traumatic how everything happened. I can't believe our health system is like this in America. As you can tell I have a little bitterness left, but that is passing more and more everyday. I managed to go through all of this, things I couldn't have imagined I would go through....and I have a healthy litle baby, very little but healthy. And, so losing weight was something I could never fully accomplish and I think I can do it. I pushed a baby out with NO meds AT ALL. I couldn't walk and was shivering to death from infection from the appendix issue... I CAN do this. I have motivation and belief.....I am just trying to figure out how to really accomplish this. I want it so bad.

I guess the time isn't now to try to push myself too hard since I'm feeding my baby, but I want a new life. I don't feel like I've been living. I feel like I've been passing my days with my daily routines. My weight is extremely important to me because it's hard to have energy to enjoy my toddler and newborn when I can hardly keep my eyes open. It's gotten better since my newborn sleeps through the night, well at least 5 hours anyway straight.

I know I didn't face the hardest test in the whole world going through this ordeal, but it was enough to change how I feel. It was like a big kick in the bum. So I was hoping to utilize this motivation to get me through the changes and adopt a new lifestyle.

Aisha