How would you deal with this?

mommyoftwins05
mommyoftwins05 Posts: 645 Member
edited October 2024 in Chit-Chat
My oldest has major fits. We just started him at therapy so we can try and figure out whats up. Its been going on for years.. He will throw stuff, punch and kick holes into walls, call us bad names and so on... his fits are bad! also lately he has been slacking on his homework and then purposely takes his sweet time in the morning like he's purposely trying to miss the bus.. now the other day he did do a bunch of homework.. which was nice... but this was after I told him...

No field trip!

Well I had emailed his teacher telling her.. no response..got a 2nd permission slip (so i figured she didn't get it) well I emailed her again about it... and my son comes home and says momma my teacher talked to me about the field trip and says she'll talk to you tomorrow about it and told me to get up and get ready tomorrow too.. (which is today) well I volunteer today.. so basically she'll bring it up then... also my fiancee has been off of work for over a month.. so I really dont have the money either for it.. and he mustve told his teacher that because she said she'd try and help with that..

But anyways I feel that I should stand by my answer.. and that it really ticks me off that she brought it up to my son. because now she has his hopes up on going. the field trip is to a planetarium so I'm sure she'll say he should go because its eduacational.

what would you do

Replies

  • Araldia
    Araldia Posts: 22 Member
    Do they correspond to anything? They sound very much like the meltdowns my autistic spectrum boys have.
  • CallieDerenthal
    CallieDerenthal Posts: 170 Member
    he was told he wasn't allowed to go because of prior behavior. if you already told him he wasn't going and you allow him to go now then he won't believe you next time you tell him he's going to suffer consequences for his actions. his teacher needs to mind her own business!
  • ohiogal614
    ohiogal614 Posts: 6 Member
    You are the Mom! Not the teacher... So I think you need to do exactly what your gut tells you to do either way, it has to be your decision. Then be prepared to take any grief and stick with your decision. The teacher is not with your son 24/7 and does not realize what you go thru.
  • mommyoftwins05
    mommyoftwins05 Posts: 645 Member
    Do they correspond to anything? They sound very much like the meltdowns my autistic boys have.

    Its like his mood just changes.. it can be as simple as you can't do something and he will flip out. or if you tell him to go to bed...and you keep repeating because he isn't going he'll flip.. its like walking on egg shells with him
  • CoryIda
    CoryIda Posts: 7,870 Member
    My son (he's 9) has ADD and has a lot of those symptoms... not quite as destructive, but definitely similar. It is a HUGE challenge.

    I hope the therapy helps your child.

    Having a set routine and making sure that you have open communication with the teacher - daily or weekly emails or phone calls - can make a big difference.

    My son's teacher has this wonderful thing she calls a communication log, which is a notebook that is kept in my son's backpack at all times. If she has something she needs to make sure I am aware of, she takes the notebook out, writes me a note, and puts it back into my son's backpack. I check his backpack and read/reply, then put it back in. Likewise, if I have an issue that I need to address, I do the same thing.

    That doesn't necessarily mean that my son remembers to bring home paperwork (he didn't miss a field trip but he did miss picture day because he "lost" the papers that were sent home several times) all of the time, but it does mean his teacher and I are well aware of what is going on and can be more proactive about helping him.
  • Araldia
    Araldia Posts: 22 Member
    And oops forgot to say that it is just as educational for your boy to miss a trip and learn a lesson about consequences. You are not punishing him so much as preparing him. Actions have reactions, and he needs to learn to deal with them.
  • mommyoftwins05
    mommyoftwins05 Posts: 645 Member
    You are the Mom! Not the teacher... So I think you need to do exactly what your gut tells you to do either way, it has to be your decision. Then be prepared to take any grief and stick with your decision. The teacher is not with your son 24/7 and does not realize what you go thru.

    Yeah, I gotta feeling monday (the day they go) if he gets put in another classroom he is going to flip out.. which will be good for the school to see..
  • Alexdur85
    Alexdur85 Posts: 255 Member
    Stand by your answer. Some advice I need to take myself.

    You should look into love and logic. I have a friend who it has worked well on and it worked on my girls but then I stopped using the technique. They have youtube videos and you can check out the books at the library. It makes a lot of sense.
  • Araldia
    Araldia Posts: 22 Member
    My son's teacher has this wonderful thing she calls a communication log, which is a notebook that is kept in my son's backpack at all times. If she has something she needs to make sure I am aware of, she takes the notebook out, writes me a note, and puts it back into my son's backpack.

    Oh yes, these are invaluable! Keeps the teachers on their toes, and the child knows that they are responsible also.
  • daves160
    daves160 Posts: 600
    Two things;
    1. stand by your guns. It is the only way he will get the message.
    Secondly, speak to his teacher about the importance of good communication and proper etiquette about speaking with your son before speaking with you.

    I had issues like this with my brother and it really pissed me off because it undermined my plans as well as my parental authority.
  • Diary_Queen
    Diary_Queen Posts: 1,314 Member
    The mood swings sound very much like my son with ADHD and who is also Bi-Polar. No means no.... you have to stick to what you originally said. Children that act out in that way require structure
  • kerryh1976
    kerryh1976 Posts: 22
    I am sure if explain your stance to his teacher they will understand. Teachers need well behaved kids as much as parents too! I would definitely stand by your guns, and ask the teacher to back you up if they will. The trip may be educational but there are few lessons more important than realising your actions have consequences - and that is what you are teaching your son.

    Try offering the trip as a reward (perhaps with a mate) if he improves his behavour (give him something measurable he can work towards, with a timescale).

    Good luck with it all and keep strong :o)
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
    You are right. The teacher is wrong to get involved like that. She is making you look like the bad guy.
    You are the parent and it is your job to parent. His teacher should teach and not try to parent your child. You should stick with your decision, no matter how hard it is.
    Maybe a behavioral doctor can help you deal with your child's fits. It isn't easy. I have a daughter with these kinds of fits and I have learned how to help her deal with it, over the years, but I do have to stick to punishments, no matter how much it breaks my heart. Otherwise there is no consequence for the behavior.
  • jmruef
    jmruef Posts: 824 Member
    The teacher needs to be on board w/ what you decide are consequences at home - your son can't think he has an "ally" against Mom, so to speak.

    Might be a good thing to sit down with his teacher (or teahers, if he has more than one) and talk about what's going on at home re: behavior and what you're trying to do for him there so they can all be on the same page with you.
  • UponThisRock
    UponThisRock Posts: 4,519 Member
    Lay the smackdown
  • leynak
    leynak Posts: 963 Member
    I would stick with what you said in the first place. It's really not fair to you to be trying to undermine what you already said.

    I have this problem with my mom. She will bring up stuff with my kids, sometimes right in front of me, before she evens says anything to me or checks to see if maybe I had other plans. Then when I have to say no she's the good one & I end up being mean. It's just not the "adult" way to handle a situation. It's the kid that ends up getting their hopes up only to be let down. So who's really getting hurt?
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
    Agree with above only> be certain that the punishment is in correlation with the behavior. Like not overly extreme or "convenient" which I am not at all implying it is. Sounds reasonable to me. Also agree that sticking to our decisions (when well thought out and logical not emotional) and showing consistency is a good thing in parenting.

    My oldest son has several developmental issues. I would urge you to seek an evaluation starting at the school district (you pay school taxes that cover this) since his behavior is continual and not an occasional tantrum (to be expected from children). You can accomplish this by putting in writing a request for an educational eval and send to the teacher, principal and school psychologist. School districts will often do a very thorough/confidential and complete eval and can be a huge source of help (hopefully : )) Best to think of the school and teacher as partners with you in raising your son, allies so to speak. Most helpful to you and encourages the relationship and rapport between you and the teacher and school.

    Also money for school trips is always available I believe through PTA or PTO. So if you ever feel that you cannot afford but want him to attend a trip I believe you may be able to get help in the form of a substidy. Teacher's may have access to this and I do believe that it shouldn't be coming out of the teacher's pocket although surely many times it probable does.

    Good luck to your family!
  • mommyoftwins05
    mommyoftwins05 Posts: 645 Member
    I would stick with what you said in the first place. It's really not fair to you to be trying to undermine what you already said.

    I have this problem with my mom. She will bring up stuff with my kids, sometimes right in front of me, before she evens says anything to me or checks to see if maybe I had other plans. Then when I have to say no she's the good one & I end up being mean. It's just not the "adult" way to handle a situation. It's the kid that ends up getting their hopes up only to be let down. So who's really getting hurt?

    Yeah I'm not happy how she brought it up to him. She should've talked to me first... hopefully she will just take my no today and be done with it.. I don't want a whole disagreement about it
  • ThinspiredButterfly
    ThinspiredButterfly Posts: 176 Member
    sounds like he has bipolar..i have it & im the same way sometimes. i wouldn't let the teacher decide whether he goes or not.. YOU'RE his mom!! do what u think is best.if my kid acted like that, id have them pay the consequences. to me, thats more important!! u can always take him yourself when he behaves.going to a planitarium [cant spell xD] isnt a once in a lifetime thing.
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