How do I say this to my MIL?

mrsmellymac
mrsmellymac Posts: 236 Member
edited October 5 in Chit-Chat
Idk how to say this to my MIL without upsetting her:

She recently picked up smoking again. She had stopped smoking for almost 15 years and she picked it up, out the blue, and started chain smoking more than anyone I've ever known. Seriously about every 5 minutes.

I get so sick from her smoking. Not only that, but I have a 9 month old and I really don't want her 2nd hand smoke around him. Hubby and I hate smoking, we hate the smell, we hate everything about it. She reeks of it. She comes over every day to play with the baby and when she leaves I have to scrub him down head to toe and wash his clothes because he REEKS of cigarettes. My whole house smells. The smoke sticks to my couches and I have to Febreeze them. She smokes outside but she comes in immediately without "airing" herself out. Sometimes she comes inside the car after smoking outside and it smells SO bad. I have to roll down the windows and she complains about the cold but I can't take the smell.

I just came back from vomiting because when I walked into my kitchen, all I smelled was cigarette smoke from her coming inside. It made me so nauseous...

How do I tell her this? I love her to death, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. But its so detrimental to her health, my health, and my SON'S. I don't want us to suffer for her bad habits. And I'm sick of vomiting.

Replies

  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
    Sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and MIL and express these concerns directly. If she quit for 15 years, then she knows what it's like to deal with the side effects of smoking, so bring it up to her. Be nice, but be direct and honest.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    Say, "Smoking is not allowed in or near our home. If you can't respect that, you can't come over every day. We have a duty to protect our child and we are serious."

    Then stick to your guns!
  • xLyric
    xLyric Posts: 840 Member
    You need to do what's best for the baby, that's what is most important. But keep in mind that something in your MIL's life has triggered the smoking again. Something could be stressing her out big time.

    But overall, your son's health is the most important thing.
  • chefchazz
    chefchazz Posts: 427 Member
    if you hate something or anything that much and its affecting your child......SPEAK UP! theres no f*@king way id deal w/ that! ever!
  • GinoATC
    GinoATC Posts: 60
    What is a MIL
  • Becoming_A_Butterfly
    Becoming_A_Butterfly Posts: 2,534 Member
    Would it help to have your husband join you in the conversation so it feels more united? Maybe soften it with your concerns for her health too. It certainly isn't doing her any good to have started again. But it is your house, so draw the boundaries, but remind her you love her and want her to be healthy, and maybe ask how you can help her to quit again.
  • elzettel
    elzettel Posts: 256
    I have a bit of different perspective. My son was born with one lung and was very ill (he's doing wonderful now). My mother was the smoker and I had no qualms with telling her to make a choice. Your grandchild or your cigs. Bottom line...I was the one in the NICU next to my child on a vent....hurting someone else's feelings was at the bottom of my list...no matter how much they meant to me. I wasn't rude and she was well aware of the situation. Sit down with your MIL and explain how you feel and encourage her to become healthy so she can spent years with her grandbaby because she is an important part of his (and your) life. It may be difficult but if she cares about you and your family (which I suspect she does) she'll understand where you are coming from.
  • SamMorBelsmom
    SamMorBelsmom Posts: 164 Member
    Express the concerns about your son first. If she is going to listen to anything, it will be that she needs to be good for him. And if she is ignorant enough to not do it, then tell her she can't keep seeing her grandson until she can control the smoking the day of. My girlfriend smokes and she wears a nicotine patch on the days she is going to see her granddaughter because her son told her she stunk the house up even though she smoked outside. Its a trade off that most people understand....smoke or hold my grandson....If she does get offended, she will get over it. And make sure your husband sticks with you.
  • tiptoeketo
    tiptoeketo Posts: 271 Member
    Ummm.. remind yourself that it's 2011. We now know all of the health concerns related to smoking. You need to tell her that she needs to smoke outside, not only for the baby's health but for all of you. There is no reason why she should expect to be allowed to smoke in your home.

    I am an ex-smoker, and would find no offence to being told this. It would only bring more shame to my nasty habit.
  • sam363
    sam363 Posts: 204 Member
    Talk to your husband and it might be better coming from him. Either one of you needs to tell her your concerns for her health and maybe ask her if there is anything that is bothering her or why she decided to start smoking again. She might feel stressed or had something happen that has made her pick up the habit again. That being said she needs to know that she can not smoke around your child or smell of smoke when she is around him or your home. Not only is it not healthy for your child but it's also making YOU sick. Reassure her that you love having her around and that she is more than welcome in your home and around your child when she is smoke-free.
  • MoMoves
    MoMoves Posts: 36
    I know when I need to really address something sensitive with my MIL, I make my hubby do it. She just receives what has has to say better than what I have to say. She doesn't over analize what he says. She knows his love is unconditional. And it's with love that this topic needs to be addressed. I'm not saying skip out of the conversation, but rather let him take the lead.

    I also would question her on why she picked up habit again....what stressor in her life triggered this? Could it be something altogether more serious that she's not letting you know?

    Just my two cents. I hope the conversation works out for the best....I dispise smoking & all is effects too. So I feel you.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
    I agree with previous posts. Both my dad and stepmom died from lung cancer and there is no way I would let anyone who smokes that much around my kids. If it is making you sick definitely just need to say to her that you cannot handle her being there when she decides to smoke. I would not have her come over. meet her somewhere that she cant smoke to play with the baby. the mall has those playplaces and she cant smoke there. but you need to tell her. it is a terrible death as I watched my dad wither away. Let her know you are concerned about her health also and you want her to be there for the baby. I hate that he is not here for my kids and he never knew them!
  • SamMorBelsmom
    SamMorBelsmom Posts: 164 Member
    What is a MIL


    MIL is a mother in law. FIL, BIL, SIL....father, brother, sister....
  • Shishkeberry
    Shishkeberry Posts: 95 Member
    Tell her if she can't quit, or at least change her clothes and wash her hands before she comes over to play, then she can't see your child anymore. Your child's health is more important than her feelings.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
    What is a MIL

    mother in law lol
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,450 Member
    smoking is GROSS!
    Your house, your kid, your rules. Id make a no smoking in, on or around those 3 things rule. Make sure the hubs is on board with this and just leave it at that. She might not like it but.... thems the rulz
  • Fit4Vet
    Fit4Vet Posts: 610 Member
    When I was diagnosed with COPD, I quit smoking & made everyone else smoke outside - yes, in the cold. If you want to smoke, do it in the cold. I put up air freshners everywhere & refused to allow my child to sit in the laps of smoking people. :mad: I quit so that she wouldn't have to be around it. :explode: Everyone knows that I detest the smell - I make no effort to cover it up. My DH smokes - he reeks. My MIL smokes, she reeks, one of the kids smokes, he reeks, his girlfriend smokes & yes, she reeks. I have to air the grandbaby's clothes out when he comes b/c both of his parents smoke in the house (poor child). I don't *try* to hurt their feelings, but I don't hold back. I tell my husband, you stink (yeah, hurts, he should take the hint). I love him, but he has air freshner for when he comes in from outside.

    The point is, they love me enough to smoke outside & not bring that crap in my house. I love them enough to deal with the fact that they reek. I don't know what to tell you...I deal with it too & it sucks. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
    I agree with previous posts. Both my dad and stepmom died from lung cancer and there is no way I would let anyone who smokes that much around my kids. If it is making you sick definitely just need to say to her that you cannot handle her being there when she decides to smoke. I would not have her come over. meet her somewhere that she cant smoke to play with the baby. the mall has those playplaces and she cant smoke there. but you need to tell her. it is a terrible death as I watched my dad wither away. Let her know you are concerned about her health also and you want her to be there for the baby. I hate that he is not here for my kids and he never knew them!

    I am so sorry for your loss. I've lost 5 to smoking-related cancers myself. Nasty stuff.

    To the OP: Definitely make sure your husband is on your side with this and talk to your MIL. Set boundaries and stick to it.
  • Jennieam
    Jennieam Posts: 300 Member
    I know when I need to really address something sensitive with my MIL, I make my hubby do it. She just receives what has has to say better than what I have to say. She doesn't over analize what he says. She knows his love is unconditional. And it's with love that this topic needs to be addressed. I'm not saying skip out of the conversation, but rather let him take the lead.

    I also would question her on why she picked up habit again....what stressor in her life triggered this? Could it be something altogether more serious that she's not letting you know?

    I agree with the above comments. Also consider introducing the topic by saying that at the hospital clinic/doctors/pre-natal classes (whatever), they highlighted concerns about the effect of smoke on children ... this makes them the "bad guys",

    then you can lead into a comment, asking why she's started smoking again (who knows, she might be trying to lose weight - and you can put her onto MFP!),

    if she still intends on smoking, you could say that given the medical advice, you have to insist that there's no smoking in/near the house. If the conversation is going well, you could also suggest that she keeps some "play clothes" at your place, so she doesn't "mess up" her good clothes when she's playing with him. That way her "smoky" clothes will be kept away from your child.

    Good luck ...
  • Jeanetta10
    Jeanetta10 Posts: 74 Member
    You won't have to tell her sweetie. She can read it on this.
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