Parent-Children

XiaoRuRu
XiaoRuRu Posts: 83
edited October 5 in Chit-Chat
I am really feeling confused. In the last 2 years, my parents fight like cats and dogs. They have always argued about things and as a child they never hid the fact from me. They always said "that's part of a relationship, sometimes you fight" so that I knew what to expect as an adult. I have always appreciated that. But it's gotten worse lately.

My dad works at home most days and teaches 2 days a week. Business is slow and he's feeling really low for not contributing as much. My mom is overworked and underpaid. But she feels too old to leave her job and find a better one. So the stress is quite high.

But now I have mom crying on one shoulder complaining about dad and life, and dad crying on the other shoulder complaining about mom and life.

Tuesday is my dad's birthday, so he rescheduled his classes for Wed/Thurs as opposed to his usual Tues/Wed. He neglected to tell mom because he assumed she would know that was his plan. It came out that she had lunch plans. With a man from work. Well the **** (pardon me) really hit the fan then. I don't think my mom would ever cheat on my dad, but now he feels like she is because she never told him about this. And if he had taught on Tues, he wonders if he would have ever known.

Meanwhile, mom had been trying to get her degree. Which means as someone with a full-time job, she was struggling with school and spent most of her home time studying. This put dad out because he spends most all day alone and wanted to spend time with her. All of his selfishness drove her to quit school after being just 5 courses shy of her bachelor's.

The hurt goes back and forth here. I'm supposed to see them today. I'm 22 and I want to sit them down and just tell them how stupid they are being. They stopped focusing on each other's happiness and started focusing on their own individual happiness, which has made them both miserable. They both have improvements to make and I blame them both equally.

But if I start to speak to them about it, I know they will buckle down and hide behind "we are the parents, you can't talk to us like that." Which is the mentality they have always had. It's always been about being right with them. They battle over who is right. And if collectively they are wrong and I am right, then the three of us go it about how right they are because they are the parents.

How do I convince them to hear me? I feel like I am the only one trying to save their marriage while they pretend to. If they don't want to save it, that's fine. They can get a divorce if that means peace in all our lives. But divorce would mean admitting being wrong and I don't think they'll do it. I think they will continue to be at war with each other in perpetuity rather than admit being wrong.

How can I be the adult when the adults are acting like children?

Replies

  • sandislim
    sandislim Posts: 264
    Say what you feel you need to say, but don't be fooled - you cannot be responsible for anyone elses relationship, you cannot mend or fix it - that's their job. But you cannot be voiceless either, so say what you need to and they will do what they need to do. Try as hard as it is, not to get caught up in their problems, give your honest opinions then let it go. Its difficult, I'm in the same sort of situation at the moment .
  • PeaceLuvVeggies
    PeaceLuvVeggies Posts: 375 Member
    Holy *kitten*. I went through ALL of this back in October. My mom and my dad are currently getting a divorce. Every single fact you mentioned happened to me. What ended up happening was that my dad got super depressed, had to go to a psychiatrist, got meds, tried to kill himself, scarred me and my brothers for life [I can safely say it's HIS fault I have really bad anxiety now] and yeah, divorce. I moved away, and still keep in contact with them both but my brothers are stuck in the mess they have created and cannot get out of it just yet.

    It sucks. Maybe your parents will be more mature than my parents were. *fingers crossed for you* Good luck.
  • melizerd
    melizerd Posts: 870 Member
    While disagreements and arguments are part of a relationship and aren't something to be ashamed of there is a fine line between allowing your child to see that and leaning on your child. No parent should take their problems to their child, I don't care if they are grown, about their relationship with their partner (especially the child's other parent). It's not fair to the child.

    No one but the people in the relationship can be responsible for that relationship and making your child feel responsible is despicable!!
  • cba4994
    cba4994 Posts: 147 Member
    I'm sorry your parents have put you in such a painful position. You have a very mature insight into what is going on. Even though you will always be their child, you are an adult now and have the right to speak up for yourself and respectfully tell them they are putting you in a very painful and inappropriate place. Try to share your insight with them and encourage them to get a marriage counselor that can guide them through this rough time (instead of putting you in the middle). Tell them you love them both, understand that they are both having a hard time and think they need an objective person to help them communicate better. As far as the cost, most good health insurances will pay a good bit for marriage counselling. Hang in there. I'm sorry you are going through this.
  • PeaceLuvVeggies
    PeaceLuvVeggies Posts: 375 Member
    While disagreements and arguments are part of a relationship and aren't something to be ashamed of there is a fine line between allowing your child to see that and leaning on your child. No parent should take their problems to their child, I don't care if they are grown, about their relationship with their partner (especially the child's other parent). It's not fair to the child.

    No one but the people in the relationship can be responsible for that relationship and making your child feel responsible is despicable!!

    I completely agree. That is the #1 reason I left New York in the first place! My parents always leaning on me and complaining about each other set me off.
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    You don't live at home with them do you? If you do, I feel for you. Eesh.

    Ultimately this is between them and doesn't involve you so I would keep out of it. Let them cry on your shoulder if you can't see any way around it but don't get in the middle. Everything they say to you needs to be in one ear and out the other.

    Or you can step up to the plate. Take them to lunch (less likelihood of a public scene) and lay down the law - no more crying to you about how bad things are if they aren't going to make an effort to fix them. You could always tell them it is childish for one parent to try to pit their only child against the other parent. That should straighten them out in a hurry.
  • twinmommy3
    twinmommy3 Posts: 28 Member
    I am a parent, although a much younger parent than yours. I hope my kids never have to go through this. If I were you I would suggest to them to seek out a marriage counsellor. If they truly want to resolve there issues, a councellor will give them the tools. If they are fooling themselves he/she will help them see that. Do let them know their actions are hurting you, they may be so focused on themselves, that they are not seeing the how its affecting you.
  • PippaJo_
    PippaJo_ Posts: 233 Member
    They need counseling, seriously - whether together, or apart. They're obviously not happy with the way things are, but they're not using good methods to deal with that unhappiness. I'd suggest that to them.

    As for you - yeah, you can't get in the middle of it. If you're out of the house, great - stay that way! :-) Don't let them 'lean on you' beyond a minimal amount - if it gets uncomfortable, say something like 'I really think you need to talk about this with Dad' or say 'You know, I love you and want to listen to you, but 'm not really qualified to help you out, here - I'm not a therapist, and you're putting an awful lot of weight onto me.' Stand firm, and walk away, or put the phone down if necessary, for your own mental/emotional health.

    I know all about the 'I'm the parent, you're the kid, how could you possibly know anything' stuff, too. Let me tell you, it never ends. :-P

    But seriously, don't get in the middle. This is *their* relationship to fix or destroy - and if you let them put you in the middle, it will eff you up. You need to put yourself first. I have a friend who ended up moving home while trying to finish her PhD dissertation, and got into the middle of her parents' issues....and it messed with her so much that it screwed up her dissertation deadline, and three years later, she's still at home, because she hasn't been able to find a job in her field yet.

    Make sure you're living YOUR life, not theirs, because anything else will screw you up, and that's no way to live.


    (Also? Not everybody fights, especially loudly, miserably, and in front of the kids. Please don't think that 'that's just the way relationships go' - because it isn't, and you don't have to settle for that in your own life.)
  • XiaoRuRu
    XiaoRuRu Posts: 83
    (Also? Not everybody fights, especially loudly, miserably, and in front of the kids. Please don't think that 'that's just the way relationships go' - because it isn't, and you don't have to settle for that in your own life.)

    Oh I know. What I meant was that they made sure I understood that relationships aren't perfect and you aren't always going to get along. I haven't settled for arguments in my love life. My boyfriend and I don't. If he hurts my feelings I say "hey, this is what happened and it hurt my feelings." and he says the same thing. We try to be very honest. And I feel like we doing relationships better than my parents. Which is just...sad.
  • melizerd
    melizerd Posts: 870 Member


    (Also? Not everybody fights, especially loudly, miserably, and in front of the kids. Please don't think that 'that's just the way relationships go' - because it isn't, and you don't have to settle for that in your own life.)

    THIS! Just because people have disagreements does NOT mean everyone fights and yells or is miserable. I've been happily married 10 years already and I can count on one hand the number of REAL fights we've had, everything else has been minor and we sit down and work it out talking like real adults.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    why don't you write them a letter about it? it shows that you have been seriously thinking about it, and that you're not just blurting out whatever comes to mind.
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
    They've put you in a horrible position. They are abusing your relationship with them complaining about the other as if you were a friend and an adult, but the minute you say something to their unliking your suddenly their child. You need to tell them to quit coming to you with this crap, because it sounds to me like they aren't wanting support, but wanting you too see how they aren't the bad guy and the other one is doing everything wrong. Either which way, they need to step up and have some maturity and class and keep their children, no matter what the age, out of their arguments.
  • XiaoRuRu
    XiaoRuRu Posts: 83
    Thanks for the support everyone. And for being as irritated by this as I am. I feel justified now.

    I'm planning on talking to my dad about what he can be doing to help mom. His I think I can help him with and he genuinely seems lost. I think that it would ease some of mom's tension if he could do more around the house since he is home 5 days out a week. He think he is useless in the kitchen, but anyone can follow an easy recipe.

    We'll see. I have hope for them. I saw them yesterday and they seemed to be okay, but who knows.
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