What would you have done?

brittanyjeanxo
brittanyjeanxo Posts: 1,829 Member
edited October 2024 in Chit-Chat
Another thread got me thinking about this.

My sister met her best friend in 8th grade (they're both 21 now) and my brother and I became friends with her and her siblings. My mom quickly became best friends with their mother, Kim. They were so close and the best of friends for 5 or 6 years. I never really cared for Kim, she always had a "I'm the Queen, do as I say" attitude. But I digress. Anyway, one year my little brother (15 at the time) got caught smoking pot somehow, or they found out he had. He got in a little trouble, just some extra chores around the house. Other than that one time, he had never gotten in trouble. Let's be honest, lots of people try it. My parents both did it when they were younger, so they didn't wanna punish him too much. When he was allowed to have friends over again, Kim's son Jose, my brother's best friend, was told by his mother he wasn't allowed to hang out with any of us, because there was obviously no supervision at my house and my mom was a horrible mother for not punishing my brother more. She never bothered to call my mom and tell her that herself, and never talked to my mom again. Her daughter, 21, still lives with her, but pays rent, and she still tells her if she finds out she was over at our house, she'll have to find somewhere else to live.

Do you think her reaction was appropriate? What would you have done?

Replies

  • SixCatFaerie
    SixCatFaerie Posts: 690 Member
    I'm with you on this one. Almost everyone has tried something at least once in their lives. I'm sure "Kim" isn't a perfect saint either. Your parents reacted appropriately (hopefully he actually gets it & never does it again) & "Kim" is just being a b*tch!

    Just my two cents...
  • emilydmac
    emilydmac Posts: 382 Member
    If I were Kim-- I would have told my kids not to smoke pot and be done with it. Other peoples kids smoke pot, and do any number of other things, it isn't my problem and I shouldn't be worrying about it if I am an adequate parent.
  • bcampbell54
    bcampbell54 Posts: 932 Member
    Parents are obviously free to make judgements that affect their childrens' lives. That's part of their job. I'm sure you believe your mom's home is a safe and good environment, but it is really up to the boy's parent to determine that fact for herself.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520 Member
    1st off .. I would reconsider how I define "Best Friend".

    I am VERY careful how I label my 'friends'. I have many .. some acquaintances, some casual, some closer, and a very select few I consider as 'real' friends.

    Even with my real friends, we may not like EVERYTHING each other does .. but, we can respect our ability to make our own choices and mistakes. Much like any family does. We can confide in each other and even offer each other advise ... but I would never call it quits because my friend didn't follow my advice.

    I may be disappointed, but I'd respect my friends enough to let them make their own mistakes...or least what I would consider as a mistake...at least for the most part. For the most part, I don't think I would consider someone a close friend if I didn't trust their judgement at least for the majority of the time.

    One particular instance comes to mind, where I had to actually push THAT envelope. I have a friend who I would consider one of my very best friends. We seldom get to see each other. It can be as little as once a year, and we can still enjoy the same level of friendship. I had to almost wrestle her to the ground, one year, because she wanted to leave a camping party we were at, very intoxicated and thought she could drive.

    I am not a fighter .. never been in a physical fight .. but .. I would have taken her on . .. in a heart beat. We were at a motorcycle rally and there camping out. She had waaay too much to drink, and all of a sudden she wanted to leave... on her motorcycle. There was no way I was going to let that happen. She thanked me the next day...and I was grateful that she was 'still with us' for me to give her a 'what for' about it. THAT's why we are friends .. I can get angry with her and give her a piece of my mind for being such an idiot, and we can still remain friends. We are like sisters, who live a long ways apart. I would expect her to do the same to me if our roles were reversed. I would do the same for my husband, my kids .. or any other member of my family. I would go that extra mile.

    Something would need to be pretty catastrophic for one single instance or event to absolve a friendship.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520 Member
    If I were Kim-- I would have told my kids not to smoke pot and be done with it. Other peoples kids smoke pot, and do any number of other things, it isn't my problem and I shouldn't be worrying about it if I am an adequate parent.

    I wish it were that easy to just simply tell your kids to not smoke pot or do not get involved in drugs or alcohol on any level... but, I think I understand your point.

    There are all kinds of temptations out in the real world. A parent can't remove every hazard in thier child's path. The best thing a parent can do to protect their children is pay attention and mentor that child to make better and informed decisions and choices.
  • brittanyjeanxo
    brittanyjeanxo Posts: 1,829 Member
    1st off .. I would reconsider how I define "Best Friend".

    You make a very valid point. After she decided to just ignore my mom, it made my mother step back and think about what kind of person Kim is. She told my mother not to "let" me move in with my boyfriend (I was 18 at the time, and my mom loves him and was very supportive. Still live with him, BTW) and that she should lay down the rules and tell me I wasn't allowed. Just like she looked down on me because I wanted an actual career, because she thinks women should be the one to cook and clean and raise children for their man. -.-
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    When I was 15, I studied abroad for the first time. My host family would take me and my other teenage sisters out clubbing on a regular basis. I did not tell my mom about my underage drinking until the day I had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and needed her insurance information! When I told her what happened, she seemed extremely chill about it. I remember when I returned to the U.S. I told her EVERYTHING about what I had done including sexual stuff and gang related stuff...I still remember wanting to get a rise out of her (weird teenage thing), and she was very open and accepting.
    Funny thing is, tonight was one of the only nights I have had anything alcoholic to drink in a few years. I hardly drink haha. I do not smoke or do drugs either and I am 21 now lol.

    Anyways, in junior high and high school i had a friend who became sexually active at 12 and smoked/drank a lot. (obviously this is far from your situation so please understand I'm not saying it is the same >.<) My mom did not approve of her parents in many ways...BUT

    my mom trusted me, and she allowed me to hang out with my friend, have sleep overs with her etc.

    I think it is important to teach your kids that you trust them. I think the feeling that, "My parents trust me and I do not want to break that trust" (the feeling of guilt/shame) is something that needs to be instilled...

    If there is no trust to be broken...then there is also no guilt or shame in many actions which would otherwise have brought shame/guilt if trust was apparent.

    I hope this helps and I am sorry that happened >.<
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520 Member
    When I was 15, I studied abroad for the first time. My host family would take me and my other teenage sisters out clubbing on a regular basis. I did not tell my mom about my underage drinking until the day I had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and needed her insurance information! When I told her what happened, she seemed extremely chill about it. I remember when I returned to the U.S. I told her EVERYTHING about what I had done including sexual stuff and gang related stuff...I still remember wanting to get a rise out of her (weird teenage thing), and she was very open and accepting.
    Funny thing is, tonight was one of the only nights I have had anything alcoholic to drink in a few years. I hardly drink haha. I do not smoke or do drugs either and I am 21 now lol.

    Anyways, in junior high and high school i had a friend who became sexually active at 12 and smoked/drank a lot. (obviously this is far from your situation so please understand I'm not saying it is the same >.<) My mom did not approve of her parents in many ways...BUT

    my mom trusted me, and she allowed me to hang out with my friend, have sleep overs with her etc.

    I think it is important to teach your kids that you trust them. I think the feeling that, "My parents trust me and I do not want to break that trust" (the feeling of guilt/shame) is something that needs to be instilled...

    If there is no trust to be broken...then there is also no guilt or shame in many actions which would otherwise have brought shame/guilt if trust was apparent.

    I hope this helps and I am sorry that happened >.<

    Yes, you are absolutely right .. Parents should offer their children a sense of being trusted .. to a certain extent. Trusting anyone (young or old), comes with a level of risk. It is not carved in stone. Offering your children a sense of value and respect are also part of that big picture...but even trusting parents still need to pay attention to what their children are doing and who they are hanging around with.
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