Looking for support-death in family

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mleoni092708
mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hi MFP friends. Been away a few days. It's a long story but my husband's mother passed away tues morning and it's been quite difficult. He had a difficult childhood and they were estranged and hadn't spoken in 14 years. We got a call she was close to death in FL (we're in PA). My husband wanted to say goodbye so we hopped a plane and made it there. She passed away just hours after we visited her. I feel so incredibly drained. I'm trying to be super supportive of him and handle everything to reduce his stress. He's not taking it well. I think everything from his past kinda hit him at once. If anyone has advice for me on how to help him better, I'm all ears. I had a good childhood and have a hard time relating to what he's going through.

I'm so exhausted, I've completely lost my appetite all week. We came back to work today but I think it was too soon. Thankfully the weekend will be here soon :)

I could use some ((HUGS)) please.

xoxoxo

Replies

  • gcineas
    gcineas Posts: 121
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    HUGS
  • rubystar07
    rubystar07 Posts: 52 Member
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    Please be sure to be gentle on yourself in the upcoming days. Maybe that means focusing on other things, just trying to eat healthy, but not letting MFP or counting be a stress producer, you've already got enough on your plate. Or maybe that means sticking to counting as something normal to hold on to. Whatever would reduce your stress.
  • ameerah77
    ameerah77 Posts: 37 Member
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    (((Hugs))) to you and your husband. I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes just being a listening ear can be helpful. And pray. God will help you all through this. I will be praying over this situation also.
  • metco89
    metco89 Posts: 578 Member
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    I am sorry for your loss. I know from personal experience at times like this there are no words that can be spoken to comfort us. I am sending prayers for you and your family. Big hugsss.
  • purpletrillium
    purpletrillium Posts: 124
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    Hugs, and prayers. Take it day by day, and give each other extra hugs.
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
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    Ok oooooooooooooo HUGS!!!!!! I am very sorry for your loss.

    Realize how fortunate it was that you received a call and were able to have those few hours before she passed. Your husband will land on his feet and recover from the shock of the loss. Let him go through the stages of his grief which is surely complicated because of the relationship he had with his mom. You're his support and it's understandable that you are upset and concerned. Things will return to normal but her death remains. Hopefully he made peace with himself regarding their relationship.

    Best
  • DKing33
    DKing33 Posts: 78 Member
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    Sending lots of Hugs... My father in law passed away suddenly this summer. MY husbands family is quite complex as well. I just tried to do whatever I could to make things easier for everyone. I allowed myself a break to get some extra rest as well. This time is very emotionally draining. Hang in there.
  • blueimp
    blueimp Posts: 230 Member
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    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ BIG hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    My best suggestion is to take care of yourself so you can continue to be supportive and caring of and for your husband. Sometimes big issues of the past need the help of a professional - a clergyperson or counselor - to undo those knots.
    Blessings on you and your family.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
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    I understand this completely. My mother and I have been estranged and she is terminally ill. She is trying to form a relationship with me. It is hard because there is a lot from the past that I am having a hard time forgetting. However, since I do not want to regret anything after she is gone, I am doing my best to connect with her.
    I believe that you are doing everything that you can do for your husband, allowing him to process everything, handling it all, and giving him support. Will he talk with you about how he feels? If so, that is the best therapy. He needs to share his regrets and the pain he feels or he will never be able to move past the way he is feeling. Chances are, he is angry and hurt that he had a crap childhood and never got the mother that he wanted and never will have that. The best advice that you can give him is to let him know that each day he will feel better and the pain will get less and less.
    Hugs to you. And, give your husband lots of warm hugs. He probably needs that the most from you, right now.
  • quietlywinning
    quietlywinning Posts: 889 Member
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    (((hugs)))) I am so sorry. You are doing what he needs - being there, listening, being supportive, helping wherever you can. Just realize this will seem to go on and on, at times. There is a lot of extra grieving to go through, with the missed years due to estrangement. It is very complicated, but you will get through it best by going through it together.
  • LethaSue
    LethaSue Posts: 285 Member
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    Give yourself time and hopefully your jobs and family will lend support and allow you time to heal. Don't expect too much too soon, I beleive it takes a good year to get past that rawness. Sometimes those close to you expect too much to soon, so do what you need to reach out and express your feelings to others who will listen, just as you have. ((((Hugs)))) I understand.
  • Angelic1971
    Angelic1971 Posts: 6
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    Allow him to grieve and you need to accept and grieve that he will likely not be the man he once was, at least that's what happened to my husband. He has not been the same man and I have had to accept it and learn how to love him this way. The loss of a parent is so traumatic, especially the circumstances he and his mother were under. Men generally don't want to talk, at least not my husband. My husband just wanted to be with me, no words; just together; knowing I was there was what he needed. The first year is the hardest because of all the firsts, our first Christmas was a solitude one, he wanted nothing to do with his dad and brother, there are reasons because of this situation. He just couldn't stand the idea of celebrating, but he did do Christmas with the kids. I hadn't seen my father in over 10 years and discovered his death by accident on the internet, and I grieved him so hard because the opportunity of finding him and making things right was gone, and I lost hope. I missed him despite the conditions of our relationship and miss him more now knowing that he never called me when he was in the hospital and I could have gone to see him, Your husband got closure, he got to say goodbye. He will find solace in that eventually. Everything will feel too soon for a long time because he lost her too soon. His entire outlook on life has changed and you will have to find a way to love each other through this. He will be okay and so will you. Be there for him and let him be there for you. You are both going through this,TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!
  • mleoni092708
    mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
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    Thank you so much. It was kind of a miracle they were able to locate us at literally the last minute. She was already unresponsive, but we were able to talk to her. The nurses in the hospice said they believe the people can still hear you even though they can't respond. I guess there were studies done showing the brain lighting up when people were touched or spoken to while in this state. I am going to go ahead and believe that, it gives us peace knowing he was able to communicate with her.

    I have mentioned therapy to him several times in the past, but he gets upset with me, so I don't push the issue.

    I may see how he's doing in a few weeks and mention it again if he doesn't seem to be getting better.
  • mleoni092708
    mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
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    Allow him to grieve and you need to accept and grieve that he will likely not be the man he once was, at least that's what happened to my husband. He has not been the same man and I have had to accept it and learn how to love him this way. The loss of a parent is so traumatic, especially the circumstances he and his mother were under. Men generally don't want to talk, at least not my husband. My husband just wanted to be with me, no words; just together; knowing I was there was what he needed. The first year is the hardest because of all the firsts, our first Christmas was a solitude one, he wanted nothing to do with his dad and brother, there are reasons because of this situation. He just couldn't stand the idea of celebrating, but he did do Christmas with the kids. I hadn't seen my father in over 10 years and discovered his death by accident on the internet, and I grieved him so hard because the opportunity of finding him and making things right was gone, and I lost hope. I missed him despite the conditions of our relationship and miss him more now knowing that he never called me when he was in the hospital and I could have gone to see him, Your husband got closure, he got to say goodbye. He will find solace in that eventually. Everything will feel too soon for a long time because he lost her too soon. His entire outlook on life has changed and you will have to find a way to love each other through this. He will be okay and so will you. Be there for him and let him be there for you. You are both going through this,TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!

    I'm so sorry to hear your story. A lot of what you said about your father sounds like what he wants to tell me but can't quite find the words. I know, I'm forcing myself to eat healthy now that I'm back home and that's possible. I don't really know what to say, it just really stinks right now and I feel absolutely terrible for him but so blessed that we made it in time for him to say goodbye.
  • rubystar07
    rubystar07 Posts: 52 Member
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    I have mentioned therapy to him several times in the past, but he gets upset with me, so I don't push the issue.


    Maybe he just needs more time. Just knowing that you are supportive of the idea may plant the seed so he can see therapy as good and normal. I wouldn't suggest pushing him, just gently letting him know that if he would find it helpful you are in total support of him, whatever he decides.
  • BlJohnston77
    BlJohnston77 Posts: 54 Member
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    ((HUGS)) Sorry to hear about your loss death is never easy to deal with. My only suggestion is to be there for your husband but not so much that you drain yourself. That really is not any right words to say when someone passes away. I just listen and comfort them as much as possible. Let him deal with his emotions in a healthy as possible way. Have him try and think postitve about the situation I know that sounds stupid but death is not a bad thing. It hurts the people around them and may even make some mad. Idk I wish people didn't have to die and everyone could live forever!!!! ((HUG))
  • kalexander2005
    kalexander2005 Posts: 223 Member
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    I lost my son a few years ago -- he was 18 and he committed suicide, so I have a little knowledge of the sense of shock that people can experience in these situations. I think the most important thing you can give a person (and yourself) is TIME. It takes a long, long time to have a sense of balance after a devastating loss. A long time! Second, I would let him talk if he wants, be quiet if he wants, eat if he wants, drink (a little) if he wants. Let him be his own guide to what he needs. Only he can know exactly what he's feeling and even that will be confusing for a while. Third, I recommend reading The Shack. It was the first thing I did for myself after my son died, and that was within three weeks or so. If he's up to reading at all, I think it may offer some comfort. I also read Jon Piper's 90 Minutes In Heaven (the chapter on Heaven I read over and over) to calm myself. Warning, I had horrible panic attacks that came out of nowhere and I wasn't prepared at all for that. It helped me later to know that others had experienced that after a loss. Be prepared for unpleasant surprises. God Bless!
  • mleoni092708
    mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
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    I'm so sorry about your son. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I will be watching him closely. I suffer from panic attacks so I know what to look for. I spoke to him a few minutes ago and asked him how he was doing. He said "huh? I'm fine, why?" .....Um WHY??? He's acting like everything's perfectly ok and that scares me that this is going to lead to a major meltdown. Nobody said life is easy I suppose.

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