Do I say something?

VeganInTraining
VeganInTraining Posts: 1,319 Member
edited October 5 in Chit-Chat
So my friend who has always been pretty average in size is really starting to gain weight. I don't want to jump in and say anything to offend her but at the same time her size is directly proportional to her terrible diet. (cereal, frozen meals and fast food) So, do I lovingly tell her that she should really watch what she eats or let her figure it out on her own? Another dynamic is that she was anorexic in college so I would hate to say something and her go back to that but I also would hate for her to find herself in a position where she has a lot of weight to lose and it's causing health problems
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Replies

  • april_beth
    april_beth Posts: 616 Member
    i know your intentions are good but i doubt she'll see it that way...think about yourself and being overweight...you most likely would have been offended if someone siad something to you. the way i see it is *i* started to do something about my weight when *i* was ready...kind of like giving up ANY bad habit, youll only do it when you are ready...
  • 2knoxs
    2knoxs Posts: 81
    Envite her to MFP. :)
  • 76wendyful
    76wendyful Posts: 202
    Envite her to MFP. :)
    this ^^
  • kb455
    kb455 Posts: 679 Member
    If I were you, I would NOT say anything to her about it. I'm sure she's well aware that she is gaining weight. Just be a friend to her and IF/WHEN she asks for help, then give it.
  • lambeas
    lambeas Posts: 229 Member
    Hey

    Maybe before you come right out and ask her about her weight, maybe say something like:

    I've noticed you are not your happy/energetic self, is anything going on?
  • Tujitsu56
    Tujitsu56 Posts: 392 Member
    I agree. And when you invite her, just mention that it's not only about weightloss, but living healthy/longer in general. More about fitness. The other thing I've been telling friends is about the great people on here and how it is soooo much more positive than facebook. At least it is for me.
    Envite her to MFP. :)
  • curlyclo
    curlyclo Posts: 243 Member
    Yikes that is a tough one! It depends on her personality. For me, anyone saying anything about it caused me to lose my motivation and actually set me back. I had to decide to do it on my own.
  • curlyclo
    curlyclo Posts: 243 Member
    Hey

    Maybe before you come right out and ask her about her weight, maybe say something like:

    I've noticed you are not your happy/energetic self, is anything going on?

    And I agree with this too.
  • slimkitty
    slimkitty Posts: 418
    It's a tough situation. I gained over 30 pounds in a relatively short time and no one said anything to me. When I go back and look at those pictures, I keep asking myself - How come no one cared to say anything to me? But, I don't know how I would have reacted if anyone actually expressed concern about my weight gain. You are a good friend and she is lucky to have you, but I don't know what the right thing to do is.
  • SpitfireStacey
    SpitfireStacey Posts: 158 Member
    yep, talk to her about this place (MFP) and your journey. Ask if she wants to run/walk/hang out with you without saying "hey you're getting fat, join me in weightloss" Just suggest healthy and active things for you guys to do together rather than the usual sitting in starbucks/mcdonalds/whatever. If she's a good friend she might see what you're doing and appreciate your tact.
  • ✰✰ajaks1229✰✰
    ✰✰ajaks1229✰✰ Posts: 107
    Envite her to MFP. :)

    Yep, this. People can only make changes for themselves if they are ready to. Good luck. You are a good friend for being concerned in the first place!!! :)
  • Jacquibennett
    Jacquibennett Posts: 95 Member
    I wouldn't say anything, I know I get really grumpy with people that mention things like that to me out of the blue, would probably result in a comment like "Thanks, I do have a mirror!!" Lol. How about start a conversation about your weightloss and your dieting. Maybe even ask her advice on something, but you'll be getting her to think about dieting without pointing out her weight. Might work. Good luck! :)
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    I don't think you should say anything unless she brings it up, and even then, tread very carefully. That is a very personal topic, and it won't come off as genuine concern no matter how nicely you approach it.

    I agree that comments from others are not what pushes a person to make lifestyle changes. That doesn't happen until that individual makes up his or her own mind about it, and unsolicited advice from others is likely to do more harm than good.
  • 2knoxs
    2knoxs Posts: 81
    When you envite her, tell her its for you, that you are working really hard and would love her daily encouragement. This site is contagous...get her here and it will do the work for you!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    OMG!!!!

    Why do people who are watching their diets suddenly turn into the food police? Leave your friend alone. She's probably smart enough to notice her pants getting tight.

    If she asks for your help, give it. Otherwise, unless you want her to be your former friend, keep your trap shut.
  • Captain_Mal
    Captain_Mal Posts: 945 Member
    I would invite her to go walking/ running/ work out with you instead of bluntly telling her she's getting fat. :smile:
  • crystal_loga
    crystal_loga Posts: 106 Member
    Maybe tell her you are looking for a "walking/exercising friend" and see if she would be open to the idea of working out with you. Make it about you not wanting to do it alone, and would love for her company to help you get through it. Be very careful not to make it seem like she needs to loose weight, if she's overweight, she knows it. No need to send her into a tailspin if she has had anorexic problems before.
    This is a tough one, good luck!
  • SpitfireStacey
    SpitfireStacey Posts: 158 Member
    It's a tough situation. I gained over 30 pounds in a relatively short time and no one said anything to me. When I go back and look at those pictures, I keep asking myself - How come no one cared to say anything to me? But, I don't know how I would have reacted if anyone actually expressed concern about my weight gain. You are a good friend and she is lucky to have you, but I don't know what the right thing to do is.

    I have also been in this position and I think someone telling me I was getting fat without offering a solution would NOT have helped me but if someone had approached me and said "I noticed you're gaining weight, I've been doing this thing online maybe you'd like to try it? And I've been going to the gym and I'd love a gym buddy..." I think I mgiht have actually been able to turn myself around and accept the help rather than the critisicm
  • mkallie
    mkallie Posts: 110 Member
    To some extent, people only start losing when they're ready... but on the other hand, a lot of times people become ready when they get called out. (Case in point, when my Grandma said that my legs looked good, I knew it was time to loose some weight. When she says I'm too skinny and she's worried about me, I know I'm ok. Ha.)

    If you're with her when she's committing some kind of dietary atrocity or have a replacement for something she eats all the time, you could try and suggest it in a nice and non-threatening way, like, "Oh I love _____________. It was really hard for me to give it up when I started my diet, but then I found this healthy substitute and it's even better, you should try it."

    At least that kinda helps make good suggestions without really being judgmental.
  • JustJessie
    JustJessie Posts: 162 Member
    I wouldn't say anything. Instead just lead by example. Invite her out when you go running or other physical activity, have lunch at a healthy place, or make some healthy meal for the both of you if you guys ever do girls nights. Don't be pushy just show her your changes and maybe she will follow you towards a healthy way of living. Her having an eating disorder before means that it would be easier for her to revert back to those ways if her self image becomes hurt again.
  • JustJessie
    JustJessie Posts: 162 Member
    I wouldn't say anything. Instead just lead by example. Invite her out when you go running or other physical activity, have lunch at a healthy place, or make some healthy meal for the both of you if you guys ever do girls nights. Don't be pushy just show her your changes and maybe she will follow you towards a healthy way of living. Her having an eating disorder before means that it would be easier for her to revert back to those ways if her self image becomes hurt again.
  • donworybhapy18
    donworybhapy18 Posts: 12
    I wouldn't say anything directly. She knows what's happening to her body, especially if she used to be anorexic. She'll probably start talking about it on her own, and then you can tell her how much MFP has helped you. If she's like most of us, she'll come to you when she's ready. I also like the idea of saying that you need an exercise buddy.
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
    Why not just ask her to do something active with you? Like start going to Zumba class.
  • ✰✰ajaks1229✰✰
    ✰✰ajaks1229✰✰ Posts: 107
    I agree. And when you invite her, just mention that it's not only about weightloss, but living healthy/longer in general. More about fitness. The other thing I've been telling friends is about the great people on here and how it is soooo much more positive than facebook. At least it is for me.
    Envite her to MFP. :)

    Agreed, much more positive than FB. I am also telling my friends how much I love it here!
  • fitterpam
    fitterpam Posts: 3,064 Member
    Hey

    Maybe before you come right out and ask her about her weight, maybe say something like:

    I've noticed you are not your happy/energetic self, is anything going on?

    This is the best approach if it's not something that you discuss regularly. If she feels everything is okay and/or doesn't feel like she wants to say anything to you.....you kind of have to let it lie. You can, however, still continue on to invite her to "healthy" days out or ask for encouragement with your efforts ;) People don't like hearing what they are doing is wrong....she will get defensive. But if you ask for her help to get you going or stay motivated or.....just to help you, she'll be more likely to get in the spirit of things. I've been known to say to a friend "KNow what? I'm having trouble staying motviated for the next 20....I need a buddy.....do you think you can help me jsut for the next 20 or so - I need to be sure that I'm eating healthy and exercising. It will bring into focus healthy food choices AND will open the door for you to say...."Wow, look whta I found, an article on how bad eating xxx is for you. Gee I never knew that - can you believe it?"

    I know - I'm sneaky, but ....

    AND if she does confide that something is going on do all of the above PLUS be there for her!
  • Dragongrl
    Dragongrl Posts: 186 Member
    Tell her you want to get in shape and say you need a gym partner. Getting in shape is easier when you have a partner to work out with. Ask her if she will go with you. And invite her to MFP.
  • VeganInTraining
    VeganInTraining Posts: 1,319 Member
    It's a tough situation. I gained over 30 pounds in a relatively short time and no one said anything to me. When I go back and look at those pictures, I keep asking myself - How come no one cared to say anything to me? But, I don't know how I would have reacted if anyone actually expressed concern about my weight gain. You are a good friend and she is lucky to have you, but I don't know what the right thing to do is.

    She is totally the type of person to be like "why didn't anyone say anything." (as am I, i always look back at old pics and say "why didn't someone tell me") I like the ideas of suggesting MFP but she says that I'm obcessed with it so I don't think she'd listen. Also the whole suggesting a walk or something, I have done that and her response is "why would you walk when you have a car."
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
    Envite her to MFP. :)
    this ^^

    NO! I wouldn't suggest this. As a former ED person, this would trigger so many response and mostly I'd stop eating. My mom (tricky and wise woman that she is) got my onto MFP because I had started running and she didn't want me to under eat and she wanted me to have a way to really gauge my running.
  • april_beth
    april_beth Posts: 616 Member
    then clearly she isnt ready...
  • VeganInTraining
    VeganInTraining Posts: 1,319 Member
    Envite her to MFP. :)
    this ^^

    NO! I wouldn't suggest this. As a former ED person, this would trigger so many response and mostly I'd stop eating. My mom (tricky and wise woman that she is) got my onto MFP because I had started running and she didn't want me to under eat and she wanted me to have a way to really gauge my running.

    Thanks ILTT that's brilliant and it's good to have a former ED person's input.
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