Family; they just don't understand

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melcasa
melcasa Posts: 60 Member
in Motivation and Support
(quick back story: I'm 23, I live at home -trying to start my career so I can have my own place again-, I live with my parents, boyfriend, and my little brother -who just started college so he's only home on the weekends)

I made a grocery list last night and put in on the kitchen counter so I can go out today and get all fresh fruits, veggies, and chicken breast.

My mom and brother just got home from the store (they are both in good shape and are at their correct BMI's) I walk into the kitchen to see what they purchased and much to my chagrin...fried chicken, chocolate cake, and pre-made sandwiches.

First instinct MUST CONSUME THE DELICIOUS SMELLING FOODS
Thankfully second instinct kicked in which was RUN AWAY FROM THE DELICIOUS SMELLING FOOD

So now I'm here. Right now I don't think I will be eating any of that bad bad food. It just concerns me because I know this will keep happening. I'm currently looking at getting my own food and eating my own stuff everyday. Sorry mom family meal time will just have to be a little different!

Family can be great but they can also be so blind! Anyone else have an experience like this?!
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Replies

  • LeanMeanFitnessMachine
    LeanMeanFitnessMachine Posts: 659
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    I understand what you're going through - the worst is when your own family doesn't support you KNOWING you're trying to make changes for the better in your life. My mom is constantly making dinners laden with fat and butter and cheese and salt - its terrible! And she knows that for the past year and a half I've started eating healthy and exercising a great deal to get in shape. She'll also go to the grocery store and buy all these tempting foods - Tastycakes, potato chips, poptarts, etc. - and buys like 2 apples. Really, Ma?

    Its frustrating because I feel like sometimes the people around me are working against me instead of with me. You just have to "keep calm and carry on" with your life change.

    Best of luck!!
  • SheRa1964
    SheRa1964 Posts: 155
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    I think you need to have a real talk with your mother. Even if they are at the good BMI those kinds of foods are just not good for you. Tell Mom you are trying to be healthy. Plus if you are 23 you should be buying your own food. I think if you had a real talk with your Mom maybe she'd work with you?
  • EMc4452
    EMc4452 Posts: 187 Member
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    Yes. I don't live at home but I visit from out of town often. So I will stay with my parents about one weekend a month. My mom used to purposely bake for my visits and keep chocolate and other goodies around. It wasn't until I actually talked to her about it that she changed. I told her that I have pretty particular food choices these days and I wanted her to not get offended if she makes those things and I don't eat them. She then began buying me Greek yogurt, hummus, and fruit for my visits. I think you just need to communicate your goals to your family.
  • chubiD
    chubiD Posts: 260
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    I don't have the exact same problem, but I'm a vegetarian and my bf (whom I live with) is not (and loves his meat). We have to compromise; he'll make meat for himself, and a side dish, and then I'll cook something else for me. It's about finding a happy medium, but you need to make sure you talk to your family about this. Let them know that you wanna get in better shape and eat in a healthier way, and how important it is for you that they help you.

    Hope you can work it out!
    Dani
  • Pepper2185
    Pepper2185 Posts: 994 Member
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    For me, it's eating at the in-laws:

    A "healthy home-cooked meal" will easily run me over 1000 calories, and they've got appetizers and dessert on top of that.

    She knows I prefer clean, healthy food - but she covers everything in cream sauces.

    I'm lactose-intolerant - and she puts cheese in everything and whipped cream on all desserts... and says "you need to live a little, you can't always be worried about what you eat."

    You just have to prepare your own food as often as you can, and realize that many people aren't watching what they eat as closely as you may be, as frustrating as that is.

    /end rant.
  • SheRa1964
    SheRa1964 Posts: 155
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    I think sometimes parents (my mother did this and now my husband) try to show you they love you by food. My mom was notorious if you are having a bad day have a cookie. You (and me) have to take control of our own lives. I think all we can do is try to explain to those we love and then make good choices ourselves. Either by going out and getting a salad or just saying no or limiting our snacks.

    I also try to show people I love them by the food I make but I do it by making something healthy. I want the people I love to BE healthy.
  • ajbeans
    ajbeans Posts: 2,857 Member
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    I understand how hard it is to deal with that temptation. However, if they're healthy and in good shape, you can't expect them to completely change their eating habits because you are changing yours.

    I think it's worth mentioning to your mom, just so that she understands why you're going to be buying food for yourself. That will keep them from eating your stuff, and hopefully it will keep her from being offended if you don't partake in the family dinner. Perhaps you can make dinner once in a while -- it will help her out, and you can control what's available for you. Maybe you can work together to make sure that there's something at every meal that you're willing to eat. A salad, or if there's a sauce for something maybe it can be served on the side, etc.

    All that being said, you don't have to completely stop eating all that stuff if you don't want to. You can choose to eat those "bad" foods in moderation. I use quotes because I don't believe that any food is truly "bad" if it's eaten in moderation. If you want to have dessert one evening, that would be fine -- just have one serving, and don't do it for every meal of every day all week long. If you want to splurge and have fried chicken with the family, have one piece, follow it up with a yummy salad, and drink lots of water to flush out the sodium. If you want something that will put you over your calorie goal, work out a little more to balance it out. You need to remember that these foods will be around you -- they're not going away. So you need to figure out a way to deal with this for the rest of your life. If you feel that you can reasonably eliminate all those foods from your diet for the rest of your life, then great. But for most of us, that's not realistic. So you need to figure out how you can balance out those less healthy foods without going crazy with them. Staying healthy without feeling deprived is the ultimate goal. Because if you just cut out these foods until you hit goal weight and then go back to your old habits, you'll put the weight right back on, and that's not what you're going for.
  • soniaa777
    soniaa777 Posts: 126 Member
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    until you start buying your own food or do the shopping of your own healthy food, this will continue to happen.
    you can start seeing your healthy food as your food and the junk as their food. you wouldn't eat your co-workers lunch or food out the work fridge right? you can look at it that way. the junk is not yours!
  • SheRa1964
    SheRa1964 Posts: 155
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    Excellent Idea!
  • DanceForever904
    DanceForever904 Posts: 611 Member
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    my family is a little different. mine is more of the "your looking great!!" "do u want a cookie?" WTH!!! oh and one time my grandmother put the cookie in my mouth!!! i took it to the nearest trash can!!! FRUSTRATING!!!
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
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    (quick back story: I'm 23, I live at home -trying to start my career so I can have my own place again-, I live with my parents, boyfriend, and my little brother -who just started college so he's only home on the weekends)

    I made a grocery list last night and put in on the kitchen counter so I can go out today and get all fresh fruits, veggies, and chicken breast.

    My mom and brother just got home from the store (they are both in good shape and are at their correct BMI's) I walk into the kitchen to see what they purchased and much to my chagrin...fried chicken, chocolate cake, and pre-made sandwiches.

    First instinct MUST CONSUME THE DELICIOUS SMELLING FOODS
    Thankfully second instinct kicked in which was RUN AWAY FROM THE DELICIOUS SMELLING FOOD

    So now I'm here. Right now I don't think I will be eating any of that bad bad food. It just concerns me because I know this will keep happening. I'm currently looking at getting my own food and eating my own stuff everyday. Sorry mom family meal time will just have to be a little different!

    Family can be great but they can also be so blind! Anyone else have an experience like this?!

    Yup... and the most common complaint they have with me is "you arent living if you eat like that all the time".. or the constantly repeating "would you like some more? are you sure? Seriously, are you sure? Im going to get some more, I can get more for you?"... over and over and over...

    Im at the point where I do not visit with the majority of my family... They are all heart disease, heart attacks, strokes, COPD, diabetes, reproductive-related problems, blood pressure and cholesterol.... They keep eating poorly and expect me to 'live' their ways... and I refuse to!

    I was once asked about what my menu will be like for Thanksgiving, and what I was planning for Christmas dinner. I explained that, we are providing a great dinner with all of our favorites using only fresh ingredients. When I get the question of "WHAT" I am making, I tell them that I would rather not share that information because no matter what I make, Im going to get those same droning comments and Im in no mood to hear their opinions.

    My husband - WOW what a guy! He is eating healthy along with me, aside for a few things he likes me to make for him (he LOVES my garlic-herb mashed potatoes and homemade stuffing), but he eats about 90% of what I prepare for our meals.. and I love him for it! He even dropped a good 25#'s too!

    My friends all support me with my decisions on my weight loss, and the foods I consume and often praise the fact I have such control... I tell them that it really doesnt take control, it just takes dedication and staying focused...

    But, I wont jeopardize myself when family is too busy ruining all the hard work Ive achieved, and my husband will not stand for anyone who cuts me down or cuts my cooking down... he has even told his mother off for being VERY rude at my Thanksgiving table... and she isnt invited again ever after that incident.
  • rosalee87
    rosalee87 Posts: 221 Member
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    On the same boat; I understand I have lost a lot of weight but I'm trying to maintain so I will swap out some foods. Like last night my parents and I were Thanksgiving shopping and we were grabbing Cool Whip for those darn pumpkin pies and I grabbed theirs then got a "Fat Free" whip for me and my dad kept staring at me then said "just don't lose more weight you're already looking too thin and you're starting to look sick" HEY! I'm eating, just making healthier food choices..like Fat Free Cool Whip is any better - not good.
  • Fatbuster205
    Fatbuster205 Posts: 333 Member
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    I agree with the above comments. I am having the opposite in that I explained very clearly to my Mum (I don't live my parents but have meals with them, weekends etc). and she is being fantastic. Since spraining my knee she has been taking me to the supermarket and I think I have taught her a few things such as reading labels - the main rule I have is I look at the 100g column and if it is over 5% fat it goes back! The only exception is oily fish. I think she was impressed with the amount of fruit and veg I bought and eat! One comment which may help in addition to everyone else's - try not to think of food as good or bad. Foods which are "bad" are fine occasionally. I have found that my palate has changed a little and I am enjoying low fat food much more now. That doesn't mean to say I won't occasionally have a McDonald's or something. I just try and stay focused on my ultimate goal which is health. If i end up with a normal BMI and am well toned even better LOL!! Good luck but have a really good talk. Alternatively buy yourself a small fridge for your room!
  • LeighYan91
    LeighYan91 Posts: 129
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    MY family are the same they buy all the food I try not too eat and its sometimes testing :(
  • pinkstp
    pinkstp Posts: 220 Member
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    CNN had an interesting article relating to this: http://bit.ly/tZUV0U I find it more related to the whole "what are you making for Thanksgiving/Christmas" issue. When people ask what I'm eating I say that I like it, I don't say that I'm eating it because I'm on a diet. That seems to curb a lot of the questioning, for me.

    I'm fortunate in that I've been super picky my whole life (well not fortunate for that, but what comes next...) so my family has learned to accommodate me or see the food in the dog dish haha ;) My friends on the other hand are supportive of my weight loss, but constantly invite me out to dinner/drinks. I partake sometimes but I find it's actually a good challenge for me when I do because it makes ME responsible for my actions.

    Just because your family/friends buy tempting food, etc., doesn't mean necessarily they are trying to sabotage you (although it is clearly obvious in some of the examples people have been posting!) but I think you should embrace the opportunity to reinforce to yourself (and your family, if it's a big or recurrent issue) that you can survive without the junk ;)
  • Libby81
    Libby81 Posts: 734 Member
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    My husband - WOW what a guy! He is eating healthy along with me, aside for a few things he likes me to make for him (he LOVES my garlic-herb mashed potatoes and homemade stuffing), but he eats about 90% of what I prepare for our meals.. and I love him for it! He even dropped a good 25#'s too!

    My friends all support me with my decisions on my weight loss, and the foods I consume and often praise the fact I have such control... I tell them that it really doesnt take control, it just takes dedication and staying focused...

    But, I wont jeopardize myself when family is too busy ruining all the hard work Ive achieved, and my husband will not stand for anyone who cuts me down or cuts my cooking down... he has even told his mother off for being VERY rude at my Thanksgiving table... and she isnt invited again ever after that incident.

    That is awesome support from your husband and friends, you must be so proud of him :smile: now where did you find him? were there others :laugh:
  • pupcamper
    pupcamper Posts: 415 Member
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    Maybe they are doing you a favour because in the long run bad choices will always be around, you need to learn to lose weight inspite of them! Go out and buy your groceries and make your own meals - this is about YOU losing weight not your family or anyone else! People will always try to 'feed' you but ultimaltely what you eat it is YOUR choice!! Family isn't always the best place for you or anyone else to find support but you will always plenty of support on MFP. When you reach YOUR goal - at least you know YOU did it!! Keep running away from the bad, ddelicous smelling food!! :smile:
  • melcasa
    melcasa Posts: 60 Member
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    @leanmeanfitness
    Yeah butter and my mom are best friends, she invites butter to every meal! Thanks for sharing!

    @SheRa1964
    Well she doesn’t eat that stuff everyday (thankfully). She knows I’m trying but I think she also doesn’t understand how much effort I have to put in in order to make a change. Also I’ve been buying my own food since I was 18 so yeah. I’m unemployed at the moment so I kinda need her help!

    @EMc4452
    Oh communication…Thanks I will give it a try!

    @chubiD
    Thanks for the post. I can identify with what you are saying. Also love that you’re a vegetarian! I hope to reduce my animal protein intake as much as possible. Thanks for the post

    @pepper2185
    What an evil in-law!! Sounds like she can be a motivation though! And congrats for not throwing that cream sauce in her face!

    @ajbeans
    Yeah it’s hard to tell thinner people that you don’t want to eat cake hah! I do make dinner often when I have the time. Everyone rags on me for making the lower fat version of everything! Right now I’m trying to cut the fried stuff and things high in sodium. I want to jump start my body and get it used to better quality foods. Thank you for the post! I will be using moderation for sure!

    @soniaa777
    True.

    @RaeBae208
    Isn’t that the worst?! I don’t know why people think food is a reward for working out and eating right! Thanks for the post. Good luck and watch out for grandma!!

    @cramernh
    My family also loves food. Sorry to hear that yours is suffering from so many health problems and continuing to hurt themselves with food. I’m glad you were able to break away from that! Congrats on you and your husband making a positive life change! Thank you for the post!

    @rosalee87
    Holiday time is the worst, second only to those looks family gives you! Sometimes I take those looks as a challenge. Should I cave in or stand my ground!? I’m glad you stood your ground!

    @Fatbuster205
    I’m glad your family is supportive! I agree with the occasional things. Thanks for the support!

    @LeighYan91
    I guess we both have to have a long talk with our so called “loved ones”

    @pinkstp
    I’m trying to look at it as a challenge. I see the food, but I don’t have to eat it! Thanks for the post
  • melcasa
    melcasa Posts: 60 Member
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    @pupcamper
    you are absolutely right! Thank you for the post!
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
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    My husband - WOW what a guy! He is eating healthy along with me, aside for a few things he likes me to make for him (he LOVES my garlic-herb mashed potatoes and homemade stuffing), but he eats about 90% of what I prepare for our meals.. and I love him for it! He even dropped a good 25#'s too!

    My friends all support me with my decisions on my weight loss, and the foods I consume and often praise the fact I have such control... I tell them that it really doesnt take control, it just takes dedication and staying focused...

    But, I wont jeopardize myself when family is too busy ruining all the hard work Ive achieved, and my husband will not stand for anyone who cuts me down or cuts my cooking down... he has even told his mother off for being VERY rude at my Thanksgiving table... and she isnt invited again ever after that incident.

    That is awesome support from your husband and friends, you must be so proud of him :smile: now where did you find him? were there others :laugh:


    hehehehe... he came knocking at my door 12 years ago with a bouquet of peach roses and his younger sister to play with my at the time 6yr old daughter... hehehe... he is a keeper for sure!

    He tries everything I prepare - actually, he says he is spoiled having me because of my working as a chef for a living... he gets to try new things, comes in behind my back and taste tests things without my knowing, even though I know (he leaves a HONKIN HUGE THUMB PRINT! HAHAHAH)


    I dont think I would be where I am at right now with my weight loss journey without him. He has been wonderful! And, the best part is that he doesnt feel threatened at all or wonder if Im going to leave him for another man. That guy is stuck with me whether he likes it or not! LOL!

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