Dealing with a manipulative, passive/aggressive ex

This makes me sad. My ex and I ended our marriage this way, with him being crazy. He went on meds, got himself figured out, we forgave each other, but his jealousy still rears its ugly head periodically....and because I'm so ****ing nice, I take it...and kindly tell him to shove it when our girls aren't around. Then we are good again. I've come to the conclusion that I'm his mother and he needs to me to scold him every so often for him to get his **** together.

He is a nice guy but has no clue about how to deal with emotions and real life.

My step-father said, "Living Well is the best revenge."

When I think back to that marriage, it angers me. When I look into the eyes of my two grown children, I can still see a trace/hear a trace of the aftermath of the entire saga and it angers me.

But what have I accomplished...hmmm, a 4 year college degree in 3 1/2 years, full time employment, secure future, my dream home, a wonderful husband with two beautiful children (last one in last year of high school), loving in-laws, and a wonderful life!

The ex will always be there to manipulate and control, to make comments and continue with the mental games <eyes glazed>. When he doesn't take the kids, make him tell the kids why. And change your plans with a smile...the people in your life will understand and be happy for the extra time and your children will be grateful when they are older.

BTW--the ex is on marriage number 3 and two small children to raise with wifey 3!

Stop telling him you have plans.... Of course if he is passive aggressive he will want to de-rail your fun.. keep it between you and your date, don't even tell your kids...

Maybe you like the drama too though? At some point you have to decide to move on, and just be civil and have minimal interaction with him.

I don't like the drama- that's why I left. I don't know how he found out about my plans (maybe one of the kids said something?) I just don't see how having kids with him gives him the right to tell me what I can/can't do.

It doesn't give him any right to tell you what to do. He has a right to care about his kids, but it sounds like he is over the line.

I have a friend, a co-worker , who was in a verbal disagreement with his ex during the 'exchange' she slapped him and then felt like he would report her so she filed a complaint- he was arrested and she then recanted her story... but if she was really bad, he would have been on probation, and lost his law- enforcement job, and she would not be getting the 1200/ month, as he would probably have to take a lower paying job. So now she drops the kids off with his Dad, so he doesn't get in the same position. Maybe something like that would work for you? Have a family member 'deal with him. Also the kids will tell you everything and tell him everything, they love both of you and believe you are both right, so don't talk about adult issues in front of the kids....

I don't speak ill of him in front of the kids, but he does the exact opposite. I just LOVE it when they come back and say that their dad said I was lazy, stupid, retarded, etc....

My step daughter (4) tells her mother that I talk crap about her all the time. Inf fact it is just the opposite. I bought her a digital photo keychain for Christmas last year (she loves photography) and she toook it home. Mom put a bunch of pictures of her and her boyfriend on it, and SD wanted to show me. I commented on how pretty her mom is. When she brings her mom up in EVERYTHING I do with her (paint her nails, prepare lunch.. EVERYTHING) I usually make a positive comment, and try to deter the discussion.. For example.. "My mommy likes apples too"... You're mommy is a smart woman, apples are yummy and healthy. I like to dip them in peanut butter, do you want to try".. But she tells her mom I say all these bad things about her. I have asked my husbands best friend to leave my home, because he trash talked mom in front of step daughter..

I spoke with my psychology instructor about this, and he said that she does these things to show her mom that she is loyal to her. She tells me that mommy talks bad about me too.. I doubt it, I honestly doubt mommy has time to think about me at all, or the will to put that much energy into me.. Ya know..

Just a thought..

I was in an abusive relationship with my son's father. When he found out I was going on vacation for a week, he called children services to try to prevent the vacation, made up a ton of lies etc. All he did was give me a knew friend. The case worker and I became great friends. I babysit her daughter often..

I was able to just stop dealing with X tho' because he backed out of my son's life..

Step daughters mom, and DH cannot have a civil interaction, she thinks when we had to cancel due to transportation issues, that it was to effect her plans..it wasn't at all.. we don't put that much thought into her.. we have two 4 year olds, and we're newlyweds.. we don't have time to sabotage her life... Long story short, we stopped telling step daughter anything.. We didn't even tell her we were getting married until the day of the wedding, because we knew mommy would withhold visitation.. We keep our private life private and we don't tell the kids about plans until the last moment...

Good luck! Hugs.. I hope it gets better