Fallen to my darkest place yet!

Options
Carrie6o6
Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
in Motivation and Support
I know I have not been around in a loooooong while. Im on and off here. I have been doing well however until these past few weeks... (right before TOM)... It has been my worst in the year I have been doing this!!

I have basically been binging all week long! Any junk food I can find... I buy junk food... at the kitchen I work at I eat the fries, the pizza, the hummus! I go next door to the gas station which has AWESOME ice cream! I binge on my easter chocolate!! I have gone mad!!

My weight has shot up from 182lbs to 190lbs!! I HOPE HOPE HOPE its just water weight! I know a few will be real! I have been only drinking about 1 litre a day when I usually drink 4! Last Wednesday I got extremely depressed... The worst I have been in a long time to where even thoughts of suicide came about because I felt so bad about the way I looked and felt that there was no hope. I have been sooooooo cranky! VERY cranky and irritable... Ive completely gone off the deep end! I don't know what to do anymore.. I know right now I am over emotional... but im just having a really hard time right now for some reason! :frown:
«1

Replies

  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Options
    I know I have not been around in a loooooong while. Im on and off here. I have been doing well however until these past few weeks... (right before TOM)... It has been my worst in the year I have been doing this!!

    I have basically been binging all week long! Any junk food I can find... I buy junk food... at the kitchen I work at I eat the fries, the pizza, the hummus! I go next door to the gas station which has AWESOME ice cream! I binge on my easter chocolate!! I have gone mad!!

    My weight has shot up from 182lbs to 190lbs!! I HOPE HOPE HOPE its just water weight! I know a few will be real! I have been only drinking about 1 litre a day when I usually drink 4! Last Wednesday I got extremely depressed... The worst I have been in a long time to where even thoughts of suicide came about because I felt so bad about the way I looked and felt that there was no hope. I have been sooooooo cranky! VERY cranky and irritable... Ive completely gone off the deep end! I don't know what to do anymore.. I know right now I am over emotional... but im just having a really hard time right now for some reason! :frown:
  • lotusfromthemud
    lotusfromthemud Posts: 5,335 Member
    Options
    What's going on?

    Is something happening in your life/family/environment/work that's making you feel not right? Whenever I "lose control", it's because something's going on. . .and it's usually something I'm not acknowledging

    Know that this is a safe "place" for you.:heart:
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Options
    Nothing could be better! My husband was laid off about 2 months ago, but we are doing awesome.. He is back to work this week.. It seems things in life are going great! The only thing different is that I have become quite busy with music and getting ready for school... Even though I am busy... I still have time for me and family..

    For some reason I have just been having more panic attacks... I havent had them in about 3 years! I dont know whats going on! Im becoming so paranoid too! I know at time the summer makes me feel really bad about myself because most girls start wearing tank tops and shorts... but I hate my arms, and my legs so I dont.. Then I feel bad for my husband.. who I know LOVES me the way I am no matter what.
  • MTGirl
    MTGirl Posts: 1,490 Member
    Options
    First - take a deep breath. Be calm for a moment. The world has not ended - yet!

    O.K. - maybe you need to sit down with paper and pen and review what you want/need and why you want/need it. Diet wise, health wise, life wise. Your post screams to me that you are missing something. Something big. Figure it out - if you don't already know it. You need to process what's going on inside you - like NOW. Take a walk, think, mull over what is churning inside you. What hurts so bad that you are trying to drown it with food and when that isn't working are having suicidal thoughts? Process it honey. Here, on paper, with a friend or family member you trust.

    Then when you get a clear grip of the issue, work on solving it or processing it or whatever you need to do. Then, and trust me on this, that 8 lbs, a lot of which IS water weight, won't be so big of a problem! Plus, you'll be back on track and able to tackle the healty eating/exercise thing better.

    And, if there really is no issue that is bugging you - get a check up. There may be a hormonal issue.

    :flowerforyou:
  • MyaPapaya75
    MyaPapaya75 Posts: 3,143 Member
    Options
    There is no where to fall its made up in our heads as a place where we can be..there is no wagon to fall off of either.....Youve simply been enjoying food a little bit too much and if you dont want to reach 200lbs by weeks end you could always take a brisk walk and have a nice salad for dinner and make a plan for the rest of the weeks to come...making a plan of attack always helps......:drinker: Good luck in your journey
  • Roxy34
    Roxy34 Posts: 146
    Options
    Dark places suck! Find that string of hope and hang on tight and pull yourself up, up, up!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Look in the mirror and focus on what you LOVE about yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for starting this thread! Letting your negative feelings go, instead of holding them in is a WONDERFUL start!

    Hang in there, things will get better!! :flowerforyou:
  • réalta
    réalta Posts: 895 Member
    Options
    once you can identify the cause you can gradually work on it, if you ever want to chat i am here :flowerforyou:

    stress makes me eat too!!! do not give up, get back on track right this minute, you CAN do it, take it one small step, one day at a time . . . . :flowerforyou:
  • memaw66
    memaw66 Posts: 2,558 Member
    Options
    Hang in there sweetie. This too shall pass!!!

    If it doesn't seem to get better maybe some counseling is in order. It might be good to talk to someone nuetral. We are all here and want to tell you what we think you want to hear, but a counselor will make you look at all sides, good and bad, whether you want to or not. It's just a suggestion.

    Chin up!!!

    Memaw
  • staceyw37
    staceyw37 Posts: 2,094 Member
    Options
    First - take a deep breath. Be calm for a moment. The world has not ended - yet!

    O.K. - maybe you need to sit down with paper and pen and review what you want/need and why you want/need it. Diet wise, health wise, life wise. Your post screams to me that you are missing something. Something big. Figure it out - if you don't already know it. You need to process what's going on inside you - like NOW. Take a walk, think, mull over what is churning inside you. What hurts so bad that you are trying to drown it with food and when that isn't working are having suicidal thoughts? Process it honey. Here, on paper, with a friend or family member you trust.

    Then when you get a clear grip of the issue, work on solving it or processing it or whatever you need to do. Then, and trust me on this, that 8 lbs, a lot of which IS water weight, won't be so big of a problem! Plus, you'll be back on track and able to tackle the healty eating/exercise thing better.

    And, if there really is no issue that is bugging you - get a check up. There may be a hormonal issue.

    :flowerforyou:

    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:
  • jbrascia
    jbrascia Posts: 16
    Options
    When we become too introspective it can cause anyone of us to have an anxiety attack.
    Take the focus off yourself and your weight and go for nice long walks or runs...get involved in volunteer work that truly means something to you and the anxiety and panic attacks will go away.
    Wishing you lots of sunshine and summer breezes.......may the peace of God fill your heart and mind.....:heart:
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Options
    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:

    I have had panic attacks and depression before.. But I have never had treatment. Depression is very common on both sides of my family. But I do not agree with meds at all! I know with my uncle they messed him up really bad... He was better off with out them. My dad reacted really bad to any meds they tried giving him. I dont think my condition is that bad. I think I just have my ups and downs.. and for some reason am just really down at the moment.
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Options
    First - take a deep breath. Be calm for a moment. The world has not ended - yet!

    O.K. - maybe you need to sit down with paper and pen and review what you want/need and why you want/need it. Diet wise, health wise, life wise. Your post screams to me that you are missing something. Something big. Figure it out - if you don't already know it. You need to process what's going on inside you - like NOW. Take a walk, think, mull over what is churning inside you. What hurts so bad that you are trying to drown it with food and when that isn't working are having suicidal thoughts? Process it honey. Here, on paper, with a friend or family member you trust.

    Then when you get a clear grip of the issue, work on solving it or processing it or whatever you need to do. Then, and trust me on this, that 8 lbs, a lot of which IS water weight, won't be so big of a problem! Plus, you'll be back on track and able to tackle the healty eating/exercise thing better.

    And, if there really is no issue that is bugging you - get a check up. There may be a hormonal issue.

    :flowerforyou:

    I have no idea how to do this! I dont know what I want (most of the time) or what I need! But I will think on these things :smile:
  • MTGirl
    MTGirl Posts: 1,490 Member
    Options
    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:

    I have had panic attacks and depression before.. But I have never had treatment. Depression is very common on both sides of my family. But I do not agree with meds at all! I know with my uncle they messed him up really bad... He was better off with out them. My dad reacted really bad to any meds they tried giving him. I dont think my condition is that bad. I think I just have my ups and downs.. and for some reason am just really down at the moment.

    Yeah - it's the "for some reason" that you need to figure out!! Not all meds are bad, but nonetheless, you can probably lick this without them. You do need to figure out the why's though and work them through. And if there is a hormonal imbalance or medical issue, you would benefit greatly from getting that taken care of. We care about you and kind of like having you around!! :heart:
  • tig3rang3l
    tig3rang3l Posts: 270 Member
    Options
    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:

    I have had panic attacks and depression before.. But I have never had treatment. Depression is very common on both sides of my family. But I do not agree with meds at all! I know with my uncle they messed him up really bad... He was better off with out them. My dad reacted really bad to any meds they tried giving him. I dont think my condition is that bad. I think I just have my ups and downs.. and for some reason am just really down at the moment.

    From someone who has been there... go to the doc. Depression makes everything way too big to handle on your own, and isn't something you should try to defeat on your own. Medication isn't always the answer, but depression is a chemical thing, and it can be helped with medication while being monitored. The research gets better and better all the time. If you are absolutely dead set against it still, there are behavioural therapies you can try which will help a lot.
  • JJs25th
    JJs25th Posts: 204 Member
    Options
    I agree: take a breath, and journal your thoughts. But I am also very concerned about the suicidal thoughts. Please make an appointment with your Doc. I do not know how old you are, but if you are either pregnant or perimenapause -- hormons will do what you have described. (I was 5 months pregnant before a home test was positive, and I started "the Change" in my 30's.) This is esepcially true if you have worked thru depression before. Having it in the family makes it more likely that you are clinically depressed. Don't write off meds totally because of how your family members reacted. Remember men react diferently than women, and depending upon when they sought treatment -- many new things have happened in this field. Get some advice from your doctor; they may surprise you and just recommend a therapist.
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Options
    I suffer more from panic attacks than depression... Once again most of the males on my dads side suffer from panic attacks.. dad, grandpa, uncle, cousins.. Suicidal thoughts.. I thought those were normal.. Doesnt everyone have them once in a while? I am not too concerned about them. I could never do it. Im a sissy and I have children and a husband. I would feel way too bad for my family. Its just not worth it for me... Doesnt mean I dont still have the thoughts now and then. But they are the least of my concerns!

    I want to thank you all for your support too! I didnt think coming here would make me feel any better. Although I am still feeling down I will think on the things you have told me to do.
  • mesgy123
    mesgy123 Posts: 1
    Options
    Hi
    If you must eat try and eat from this feel good food list
    http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_foods_raise_serotonin_levels
    when you get low serotonin (the feel good brain chemical) it makes you feel depressed ,the foods on this list make you fell better Hope this helps.Any thoughts of suicide need IMMEDIATE discussion talk to someone close to you about how you are feeling Good Luck
  • FITFORLIFE1944
    FITFORLIFE1944 Posts: 135
    Options
    DEAR GIRL,

    YOU DON'T THINK YOUR CONDITION IS THAT BAD? ANY THOUGHT OF SUICIDE IS PRETTY BAD. CONSIDER A THERAPIST,THEY DON'T GIVE MEDS RIGHT AWAY,THEY TRY TALKING THINGS OUT. ALSO HELPING OTHER PEOPLE,IF YOU CAN IS SO GOOD FOR YOU.IT SHOWS YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE,SO MANY HAVE PROBLEMS. MY SON WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL WITH PANIC ATTACKS. WHAT YOU HAVE IS SERIOUS. PLEASE GET HELP. ALSO, WE SAY WE DON'T KNOW WHY WE FEEL AS WE DO, BUT USUALLY DOWN DEEP,WE REALLY DO KNOW THE ANSWER. SOMETIMES WE THINK WE CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT,SO WE JUST SAY WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY.
    I HOPE YOU CAN COME TO A POINT WHERE YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER. A PANIC ATTACK IS NOT THE SAME AS DEPRESSION BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT SUICIDE THAT IS DEPRESSION OF SOME KIND. THE TWO THINGS ARE CLOSELY RELATED.
  • JJs25th
    JJs25th Posts: 204 Member
    Options
    I hope you are doing better today. As you can see some of us are worried about you and we hope that you have made an appointment with your doc.:flowerforyou:
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Options
    Thanks! I am doing much much better. I am feeling great actually. I did not make an appointment with my doctor however and I don't plan on it. This happens often around TOM... But I was just really down at the time and needed to vent about it.

    I have decided to start logging my food again, something I havent done for a while and am kinda just starting over... Giving myself a fresh start with it all. I only have 28lbs to go! I can do this! :smile:

    Thank you for checking back up on me :flowerforyou:

Categories