Fallen to my darkest place yet!

Carrie6o6
Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
edited September 19 in Motivation and Support
I know I have not been around in a loooooong while. Im on and off here. I have been doing well however until these past few weeks... (right before TOM)... It has been my worst in the year I have been doing this!!

I have basically been binging all week long! Any junk food I can find... I buy junk food... at the kitchen I work at I eat the fries, the pizza, the hummus! I go next door to the gas station which has AWESOME ice cream! I binge on my easter chocolate!! I have gone mad!!

My weight has shot up from 182lbs to 190lbs!! I HOPE HOPE HOPE its just water weight! I know a few will be real! I have been only drinking about 1 litre a day when I usually drink 4! Last Wednesday I got extremely depressed... The worst I have been in a long time to where even thoughts of suicide came about because I felt so bad about the way I looked and felt that there was no hope. I have been sooooooo cranky! VERY cranky and irritable... Ive completely gone off the deep end! I don't know what to do anymore.. I know right now I am over emotional... but im just having a really hard time right now for some reason! :frown:
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Replies

  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    I know I have not been around in a loooooong while. Im on and off here. I have been doing well however until these past few weeks... (right before TOM)... It has been my worst in the year I have been doing this!!

    I have basically been binging all week long! Any junk food I can find... I buy junk food... at the kitchen I work at I eat the fries, the pizza, the hummus! I go next door to the gas station which has AWESOME ice cream! I binge on my easter chocolate!! I have gone mad!!

    My weight has shot up from 182lbs to 190lbs!! I HOPE HOPE HOPE its just water weight! I know a few will be real! I have been only drinking about 1 litre a day when I usually drink 4! Last Wednesday I got extremely depressed... The worst I have been in a long time to where even thoughts of suicide came about because I felt so bad about the way I looked and felt that there was no hope. I have been sooooooo cranky! VERY cranky and irritable... Ive completely gone off the deep end! I don't know what to do anymore.. I know right now I am over emotional... but im just having a really hard time right now for some reason! :frown:
  • lotusfromthemud
    lotusfromthemud Posts: 5,335 Member
    What's going on?

    Is something happening in your life/family/environment/work that's making you feel not right? Whenever I "lose control", it's because something's going on. . .and it's usually something I'm not acknowledging

    Know that this is a safe "place" for you.:heart:
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Nothing could be better! My husband was laid off about 2 months ago, but we are doing awesome.. He is back to work this week.. It seems things in life are going great! The only thing different is that I have become quite busy with music and getting ready for school... Even though I am busy... I still have time for me and family..

    For some reason I have just been having more panic attacks... I havent had them in about 3 years! I dont know whats going on! Im becoming so paranoid too! I know at time the summer makes me feel really bad about myself because most girls start wearing tank tops and shorts... but I hate my arms, and my legs so I dont.. Then I feel bad for my husband.. who I know LOVES me the way I am no matter what.
  • MTGirl
    MTGirl Posts: 1,490 Member
    First - take a deep breath. Be calm for a moment. The world has not ended - yet!

    O.K. - maybe you need to sit down with paper and pen and review what you want/need and why you want/need it. Diet wise, health wise, life wise. Your post screams to me that you are missing something. Something big. Figure it out - if you don't already know it. You need to process what's going on inside you - like NOW. Take a walk, think, mull over what is churning inside you. What hurts so bad that you are trying to drown it with food and when that isn't working are having suicidal thoughts? Process it honey. Here, on paper, with a friend or family member you trust.

    Then when you get a clear grip of the issue, work on solving it or processing it or whatever you need to do. Then, and trust me on this, that 8 lbs, a lot of which IS water weight, won't be so big of a problem! Plus, you'll be back on track and able to tackle the healty eating/exercise thing better.

    And, if there really is no issue that is bugging you - get a check up. There may be a hormonal issue.

    :flowerforyou:
  • MyaPapaya75
    MyaPapaya75 Posts: 3,143 Member
    There is no where to fall its made up in our heads as a place where we can be..there is no wagon to fall off of either.....Youve simply been enjoying food a little bit too much and if you dont want to reach 200lbs by weeks end you could always take a brisk walk and have a nice salad for dinner and make a plan for the rest of the weeks to come...making a plan of attack always helps......:drinker: Good luck in your journey
  • Roxy34
    Roxy34 Posts: 146
    Dark places suck! Find that string of hope and hang on tight and pull yourself up, up, up!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Look in the mirror and focus on what you LOVE about yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for starting this thread! Letting your negative feelings go, instead of holding them in is a WONDERFUL start!

    Hang in there, things will get better!! :flowerforyou:
  • réalta
    réalta Posts: 895 Member
    once you can identify the cause you can gradually work on it, if you ever want to chat i am here :flowerforyou:

    stress makes me eat too!!! do not give up, get back on track right this minute, you CAN do it, take it one small step, one day at a time . . . . :flowerforyou:
  • memaw66
    memaw66 Posts: 2,558 Member
    Hang in there sweetie. This too shall pass!!!

    If it doesn't seem to get better maybe some counseling is in order. It might be good to talk to someone nuetral. We are all here and want to tell you what we think you want to hear, but a counselor will make you look at all sides, good and bad, whether you want to or not. It's just a suggestion.

    Chin up!!!

    Memaw
  • staceyw37
    staceyw37 Posts: 2,094 Member
    First - take a deep breath. Be calm for a moment. The world has not ended - yet!

    O.K. - maybe you need to sit down with paper and pen and review what you want/need and why you want/need it. Diet wise, health wise, life wise. Your post screams to me that you are missing something. Something big. Figure it out - if you don't already know it. You need to process what's going on inside you - like NOW. Take a walk, think, mull over what is churning inside you. What hurts so bad that you are trying to drown it with food and when that isn't working are having suicidal thoughts? Process it honey. Here, on paper, with a friend or family member you trust.

    Then when you get a clear grip of the issue, work on solving it or processing it or whatever you need to do. Then, and trust me on this, that 8 lbs, a lot of which IS water weight, won't be so big of a problem! Plus, you'll be back on track and able to tackle the healty eating/exercise thing better.

    And, if there really is no issue that is bugging you - get a check up. There may be a hormonal issue.

    :flowerforyou:

    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:
  • jbrascia
    jbrascia Posts: 16
    When we become too introspective it can cause anyone of us to have an anxiety attack.
    Take the focus off yourself and your weight and go for nice long walks or runs...get involved in volunteer work that truly means something to you and the anxiety and panic attacks will go away.
    Wishing you lots of sunshine and summer breezes.......may the peace of God fill your heart and mind.....:heart:
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:

    I have had panic attacks and depression before.. But I have never had treatment. Depression is very common on both sides of my family. But I do not agree with meds at all! I know with my uncle they messed him up really bad... He was better off with out them. My dad reacted really bad to any meds they tried giving him. I dont think my condition is that bad. I think I just have my ups and downs.. and for some reason am just really down at the moment.
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    First - take a deep breath. Be calm for a moment. The world has not ended - yet!

    O.K. - maybe you need to sit down with paper and pen and review what you want/need and why you want/need it. Diet wise, health wise, life wise. Your post screams to me that you are missing something. Something big. Figure it out - if you don't already know it. You need to process what's going on inside you - like NOW. Take a walk, think, mull over what is churning inside you. What hurts so bad that you are trying to drown it with food and when that isn't working are having suicidal thoughts? Process it honey. Here, on paper, with a friend or family member you trust.

    Then when you get a clear grip of the issue, work on solving it or processing it or whatever you need to do. Then, and trust me on this, that 8 lbs, a lot of which IS water weight, won't be so big of a problem! Plus, you'll be back on track and able to tackle the healty eating/exercise thing better.

    And, if there really is no issue that is bugging you - get a check up. There may be a hormonal issue.

    :flowerforyou:

    I have no idea how to do this! I dont know what I want (most of the time) or what I need! But I will think on these things :smile:
  • MTGirl
    MTGirl Posts: 1,490 Member
    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:

    I have had panic attacks and depression before.. But I have never had treatment. Depression is very common on both sides of my family. But I do not agree with meds at all! I know with my uncle they messed him up really bad... He was better off with out them. My dad reacted really bad to any meds they tried giving him. I dont think my condition is that bad. I think I just have my ups and downs.. and for some reason am just really down at the moment.

    Yeah - it's the "for some reason" that you need to figure out!! Not all meds are bad, but nonetheless, you can probably lick this without them. You do need to figure out the why's though and work them through. And if there is a hormonal imbalance or medical issue, you would benefit greatly from getting that taken care of. We care about you and kind of like having you around!! :heart:
  • tig3rang3l
    tig3rang3l Posts: 270 Member
    ditto!

    if you have suffered from panic attacks before or depression, you should see dr anyway. these things can take on a life of their own (that is, the chemicals cause changes which can then spiral). and subsequent bouts (untreated) can be deeper and longer. so please, since you're calling out for help, make an appt to see dr.
    YOU MATTER :heart:

    I have had panic attacks and depression before.. But I have never had treatment. Depression is very common on both sides of my family. But I do not agree with meds at all! I know with my uncle they messed him up really bad... He was better off with out them. My dad reacted really bad to any meds they tried giving him. I dont think my condition is that bad. I think I just have my ups and downs.. and for some reason am just really down at the moment.

    From someone who has been there... go to the doc. Depression makes everything way too big to handle on your own, and isn't something you should try to defeat on your own. Medication isn't always the answer, but depression is a chemical thing, and it can be helped with medication while being monitored. The research gets better and better all the time. If you are absolutely dead set against it still, there are behavioural therapies you can try which will help a lot.
  • JJs25th
    JJs25th Posts: 204 Member
    I agree: take a breath, and journal your thoughts. But I am also very concerned about the suicidal thoughts. Please make an appointment with your Doc. I do not know how old you are, but if you are either pregnant or perimenapause -- hormons will do what you have described. (I was 5 months pregnant before a home test was positive, and I started "the Change" in my 30's.) This is esepcially true if you have worked thru depression before. Having it in the family makes it more likely that you are clinically depressed. Don't write off meds totally because of how your family members reacted. Remember men react diferently than women, and depending upon when they sought treatment -- many new things have happened in this field. Get some advice from your doctor; they may surprise you and just recommend a therapist.
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    I suffer more from panic attacks than depression... Once again most of the males on my dads side suffer from panic attacks.. dad, grandpa, uncle, cousins.. Suicidal thoughts.. I thought those were normal.. Doesnt everyone have them once in a while? I am not too concerned about them. I could never do it. Im a sissy and I have children and a husband. I would feel way too bad for my family. Its just not worth it for me... Doesnt mean I dont still have the thoughts now and then. But they are the least of my concerns!

    I want to thank you all for your support too! I didnt think coming here would make me feel any better. Although I am still feeling down I will think on the things you have told me to do.
  • mesgy123
    mesgy123 Posts: 1
    Hi
    If you must eat try and eat from this feel good food list
    http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_foods_raise_serotonin_levels
    when you get low serotonin (the feel good brain chemical) it makes you feel depressed ,the foods on this list make you fell better Hope this helps.Any thoughts of suicide need IMMEDIATE discussion talk to someone close to you about how you are feeling Good Luck
  • DEAR GIRL,

    YOU DON'T THINK YOUR CONDITION IS THAT BAD? ANY THOUGHT OF SUICIDE IS PRETTY BAD. CONSIDER A THERAPIST,THEY DON'T GIVE MEDS RIGHT AWAY,THEY TRY TALKING THINGS OUT. ALSO HELPING OTHER PEOPLE,IF YOU CAN IS SO GOOD FOR YOU.IT SHOWS YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE,SO MANY HAVE PROBLEMS. MY SON WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL WITH PANIC ATTACKS. WHAT YOU HAVE IS SERIOUS. PLEASE GET HELP. ALSO, WE SAY WE DON'T KNOW WHY WE FEEL AS WE DO, BUT USUALLY DOWN DEEP,WE REALLY DO KNOW THE ANSWER. SOMETIMES WE THINK WE CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT,SO WE JUST SAY WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY.
    I HOPE YOU CAN COME TO A POINT WHERE YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER. A PANIC ATTACK IS NOT THE SAME AS DEPRESSION BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT SUICIDE THAT IS DEPRESSION OF SOME KIND. THE TWO THINGS ARE CLOSELY RELATED.
  • JJs25th
    JJs25th Posts: 204 Member
    I hope you are doing better today. As you can see some of us are worried about you and we hope that you have made an appointment with your doc.:flowerforyou:
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Thanks! I am doing much much better. I am feeling great actually. I did not make an appointment with my doctor however and I don't plan on it. This happens often around TOM... But I was just really down at the time and needed to vent about it.

    I have decided to start logging my food again, something I havent done for a while and am kinda just starting over... Giving myself a fresh start with it all. I only have 28lbs to go! I can do this! :smile:

    Thank you for checking back up on me :flowerforyou:
  • mfpme
    mfpme Posts: 1,106 Member
    Dear Carrie6o6,

    Please seek professional help as soon as possible. Life is worth living. We all care about you.

    mfpme
  • spicy618
    spicy618 Posts: 2,114 Member
    Research PMDD.

    PreMenstrual Disforic Disorder... if you are on birth control YAZ treats this along with being a contraceptive.

    Good luck
  • Vanessa1969
    Vanessa1969 Posts: 144 Member
    I know that you said that you don't want to be on drugs, and I understand completely where you are coming from because I am the same way, but you might want to consider taking something for them.
    I suffer from anxiety attacks, I have for years, and they will come and go. Last year I suffered from the worst one yet, I really was convinced I was having a heart attack and almost went to the hospital. I couldn't take a deep breath, I had numbness in my hands and the most terrific pains in my chest and down my left arm. The next day I made an appointment with my doctor and found that it was a classic anxiety attack. She prescribed Lorazapam (same type of drug as Valium which is Diazapam) as a sedative.
    I took a couple for two days and it totally did the trick. One in the mid morning and one before bed for the next two days and I was totally fine. They are not something that you have to take every day, I have only taken one other pill since the original attack when I felt another severe attack coming on, they can be used only when you absolutely need them.
    Sedatives aren't going to be appropriate for every case of anxiety, it will be dependant on the type of attack that you suffer from. Also any narcotic, including sedatives, aren't for everyone as they are drugs that you will very easily become dependant on, and you will build up a resistance to them very quickly if they are taken on a frequent basis. Everyone knows what a classic abuse drug that Valium has become and that is why I have always been against them and have not taken them before. But, if you take them infrequently they can really be very beneficial. I haven't used them for almost six months now, but I am glad that I have them around in case I have another attack like the one last year.
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    Research PMDD.

    PreMenstrual Disforic Disorder... if you are on birth control YAZ treats this along with being a contraceptive.

    Good luck

    Thanks! I do have 10 of the symptoms.. but thats just your typical PMS :tongue:
  • sassekel
    sassekel Posts: 114 Member
    I agree with Vanessa, I suffered from panic disorder years ago and was prescribed anti depressants and a few valium for emergencies. The valium worked well for me but the other meds not so much. There are plenty of different options available, if you continue to suffer serious symtoms do yourself a favor and see your doctor let them know your feeling about meds, they will work with you on something that works for you personally. There is help available if you need it. good luck:flowerforyou:
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
    Well Carrie, I am glad you had MFP to turn to.

    I am glad you are feeling better.

    You have done so well and now only have 27 pounds to lose.

    Shake it off, sit up straight-shoulders back, you had lovely arms and face!! Be proud, sweety!

    :heart: Jeannie
  • Girlfriend... I am just coming off of a 6 month bout with depression and panic attacks. They run in my family as well. Unfortunately I have passed them on to my 11 yr old son. I don't agree with meds at all but do some research on Amino acids. Check them out on vitamindiary.com. I lost 1 1/2 ft of my colon which is where sertiononis made believe it or not. If you are eating crappy food and get caught up in the cycle of cravings..you are getting little boosts of seritonon when you binge. I started taking 5-HTP which is an amino acid that makes Triptofan which in turn makes seritonin I went to a medical doc and as par for the couse he put me on some crazy tranquilers and a anti -convulsive med since I can't take anti=depressants..... I went zombie for a week....then I went to a naturopath.. she turned me onto the 5-HTP and I swear to you I felt the chest pounding and anxiety decrease in less than 1 hour. I haven't had a panic attack since. I was having them daily and they lasted most of the day. I too had suicidal thoughts even though I would never do it either, but I get the dark place you were dwelling.. I am not a religious person but I do belive in prayer and a higher power and I jut asked for help which led me to the naturopath. It is all natural stuff that your body makes that is usually used with a naturopath. I would highly reccomend one. feel free to email me and I would be happy to be a friend through this. I get it first hand. Believe it or not this just happened for me 2 wks ago with the naturopath and I am a changed woman!! Don't go conventional medicine...seek out natural remedies first!
  • weaklink109
    weaklink109 Posts: 2,831 Member
    ....(right before TOM)... It has been my worst in the year I have been doing this!!

    I have basically been binging all week long! Any junk food I can find... I buy junk food... at the kitchen I work at I eat the fries, the pizza, the hummus! I go next door to the gas station which has AWESOME ice cream! I binge on my easter chocolate!! I have gone mad!!

    I have read all your other posts since the initial one, and I understand you are feeling a bit better, but one of the reasons I think your crash was so extreme---in addition to the seratonin levels mentioned by someone in a prior post--your blood sugar levels would be rising and falling like a roller coaster due to all the carbs and sugar in what you were binging on.

    In addition to all the other ideas presented, I suggest you monitor your mental and physical state when you are eating a healthier diet. I think you will find a connection and that, in turn can motivate you to get back on course and stay there.

    I had a bout of depression many years ago, and although my problem was transient, and I, like you, am not real enthusiastic about the medical profession, there are many things that have changed in the way depression, PMS, and related issues are treateed.

    If you can find a natureopathic doctor, you are more likely to get someone focused on nutiriton and the whole you, rather than someone who's first answer is to pop a pill. (The previous sentence was written before I read the post above this one, which was not yet visible when I started my message. It only reinforces my point.)

    If you continue to have suicidal thoughts, you MUST seek professional help. If you can't force yourself to visit a professional's office, at least call the number of your local mental health crisis line. Most areas have some sort of hotline you can call. Good luck to you. I hope you will continue to stay in touch w/MFP. We all care for you and wish you the best.
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
    I live in the middle of no where where there is little to no help.

    I don't understand why everyone says the thought of suicide is so important! It has crossed my mind an uncountable amount of times as a child until now. NEVER will I act on it! I hardly ever think of it anymore... I just dont see what the big fuss about it is! Seriously! Is it NOT normal?? Tell me you havent thought about it at least once before! How uncommon is it? Is it not just human nature?

    I will monitor myself... But I wont ever see a doctor. I feel there is no need. We all have our ups and downs... It's normal! PMS is normal hahaha
  • I live in the middle of no where where there is little to no help.

    I don't understand why everyone says the thought of suicide is so important! It has crossed my mind an uncountable amount of times as a child until now. NEVER will I act on it! I hardly ever think of it anymore... I just dont see what the big fuss about it is! Seriously! Is it NOT normal?? Tell me you havent thought about it at least once before! How uncommon is it? Is it not just human nature?

    I will monitor myself... But I wont ever see a doctor. I feel there is no need. We all have our ups and downs... It's normal! PMS is normal hahaha

    Everyone's "normal" is different. I have thought about it like I am sure you have in passing like I feel so horrible some days it would be easier to manage if I wasn't here. I think that is your thought am I right? Not down to where you are planning it out. That is a BIG RED FLAG!! Research stuff about the amino acids please and you must have a health food store near you that you can purchase some of the stuff to treat amino acid deficiency. Don't let yourself wait too long. Healthy things are just around the corner!
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