mental support

running_mom
running_mom Posts: 204 Member
edited October 5 in Motivation and Support
This is for mental support.

I am currently in the process of getting a divorce. I am having a very difficult time with it. We have been having issues for a couple of years but we said that we would work things out and stay together. My husband filed about 2 weeks ago. I think I'm having such a hard time because he blames everything on me. He wont take any responsibility or accountability for the things that have went wrong. Now, I know I'm not perfect in fact I will admit to my short comings in the marriage. I can be a ***** and I know how to push his buttons. I'm a horrible cook! I really do try but nothing comes out right. And, a major issue is that I don't have a sex drive with him. He always tells me how fat and gross I am but then expects me to be sexy and confident. In fact he told me that was the main reason for him leaving- he wants someone confident. I just found it so hard to be that when the one person who shouldn't think that way does and actually says it!

He went through some horrible times when he was a child and that shaped who he is today. That's the main reason why I stayed. But, I made excuses for him and let him get away with so many things. And he took advantage of it. Why is it that he can treat me so bad (things I am trying to forget about) and all I can think about are the good times? It's like I should have left him years ago because of what he has done but I am too weak and afraid. We've been together for so long I just can't picture my life without him- good or bad. Messed up I know.

I know no on knows me but I'd rather vent hear instead of my friends/family. Mainly because he is going to be in our lives forever because we have 2 kids. I don't want things to get bad. In fact if he found out about this he'd be pissed!

Would it be pathetic of me to see a therapist? I know there are people who have it so much worse. I try to think of them. I have my family and even his who support me.

Advice would be great from anyone who has been through this. You can be honest and tell me to suck it up and be a big girl... I can take it!

Replies

  • LTGPSA
    LTGPSA Posts: 633 Member
    Hi there. No, it would not be pathetic for you to see a therapist - in fact I think it's a great idea that you do. I'm sorry you've been treated poorly and have suffered as a result of it. Focus on your kids and taking care of yourself. If he loved you, he would not treat you so poorly. You deserve more out of life - nobody deserves to be disrespected. Let him go - his loss. Best of luck to you, it will get better in time. :flowerforyou:
  • jheath123
    jheath123 Posts: 101
    I think if you keep up the hard work your confidence will restore itself. You have had your confidence destructed by your ex because of his own issues and now you're free to feel the way that you deserve.
  • val205
    val205 Posts: 50 Member
    I haven't been through this before, so you can totally ignore my comments if you feel they are out of line. I'm truly only trying to help.

    I know you feel like you're in a really bad place at the moment, but have you considered the thought that maybe the relationship possibly wasn't a healthy one and in the long run that maybe it's for the best? It doesn't really sound like he is emotionally fit for any type of serious relationship.

    This gives you - yes you - a chance, an opportunity for real empowerment in your life. You have a strength inside of you - you may not feel it now, but it's there - that gives you a chance to be the real you. Stand on your own feet and be a survivor. Find your inner warrior and set a wonderful example for your children by being the best person you can be. Nobody is perfect, and yes, you have played your part but you have your kids to think of. Stand up for yourself but try to be civil to him for the sake of the kids - and then move on with your life. See a therapist if you think it will help you. Do whatever you need to do to be the best you.

    You just never know what door will open if this one shuts, and what if you choose it to be a life full of happiness and joy in a healthy relationship that you'd never even dreamed possible before? Stay strong and all the luck in the world to you! I really hope I haven't offended you.
  • namenumber
    namenumber Posts: 167 Member
    I'm so sorry--you have had it really tough, and I think it would be a great idea to see a therapist. You have lost 47 pounds, look wonderful, and you have two beautiful children! You deserve to live life to the fullest and a therapist can help you do that. The happier YOU are, the better it will be for your children!
  • PedmomJill
    PedmomJill Posts: 505 Member
    @val25-what words of wisdom! And how nice of you to share them.

    @vbrach15-I love what Val wrote. She is spot on in my opinion. A therapist is a great idea and one that will most likely help you see the great person you really are under all the critical thoughts that your husband has made you start thinking. You owe it to yourself and your beautiful children to be the best person and mom you can be. Post here all you need to!! So much great support here. :heart:
  • hannahbellelechter
    hannahbellelechter Posts: 79
    Hi,

    That sounds really rough and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's not pathetic by any means to go see a professional, in fact it would be highly beneficial to you. Psychologists are licensed and trained to deal with these kinds of things and can give you some tools that could really help you cope and build a better mentality.

    I went through an emotionally abusive relationship for two years and let the man walk all over me. Like you, I continued to make excuses for his unacceptable behavior. But I can promise you, once you've been on your own after a little bit, you will find that you will regain your independence and happiness that you so deserve. Don't ever let anyone tell you you are worthless, too fat/gross, not confident enough. Someone who loves you will love you for who you are, not what you look like, and will accept you no matter what you may have done.

    Hope you feel better hun.
  • 226Muriel
    226Muriel Posts: 138 Member
    Mental support is a MAJOR CARD...when you are being delt a divorce. Sounds like there is a lot of fixing that needs to be done because of what you have been through thusfar. May I say that it isn't over yet either. Therefore, seeking professional help is the BEST thing that you could do for yourself as well as for your children. If mommy is not happy, nobody's happy. Getting yourself back on the road to womanhood will benefit all those around you who do love you.

    Been there done that....And bless my therapist everyday for making me whole again.

    HAPPY THANKSGIVING
  • val205
    val205 Posts: 50 Member
    @PedmomJill - thanks! Your words are spot on too! Hope you have a great day :smile:
  • sister_bear
    sister_bear Posts: 529 Member

    Would it be pathetic of me to see a therapist? I know there are people who have it so much worse. I try to think of them. I have my family and even his who support me.

    Advice would be great from anyone who has been through this. You can be honest and tell me to suck it up and be a big girl... I can take it!

    There is nothing pathetic about seeing a therapist. You're going through an incredibly... INCREDIBLY difficult time right now. Having someone on your side who is a trained, experienced listener that can help you sort out all the guilt, blame, anger, and pain that comes with a divorce without being caught up in the middle of it (unlike family, friends) would be a major help to you.

    I wish you the best.
  • running_mom
    running_mom Posts: 204 Member
    Im trying not to be a downer! Ive been with him since i was 18. Hes all ive ever known. I think thats what scares me too. The truth is ive always had self image issues to the point my family had a little intervention. Thats why im here trying to do it right! Its like when i think with my head i should have left long ago but when i think with my heart i dont want it to end!
  • ja4bs
    ja4bs Posts: 30
    The first day you friended me on MFP, it was after you read my story http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/ja4bs . You said you related because you were in a similar situation. Even if he is not using fists it sounds like he is definately using words, which can be so much worse. I may have some scars from my ex's beatings but his words CHANGED me. It sounds to me like you know what you need to do. Life is precious and an adventure and made for so much more than forever walking on eggshells, trying to fix situations that are beyond your control, to keep someone else calm. You are beautiful. Quit making excuses for the way you feel. No matter what he has been through, it is NOT okay for him to hurt your feelings because he is insecure. Talking to some one would be great for you. He will probably belittle it but, he is not going to like anything that empowers you. You have been with him since you were 18. Ask yourself, are you holding on because you love him or because he is all you have ever known and the unknown is scary?
  • LooseWheel
    LooseWheel Posts: 211 Member
    It's now time for 'me' time girl. You need to rediscover who you are. You first need to find what your new manta will be. Something you can write down and read and see every single day. This is one you are welcome to share as it's my personal one....

    "I am a strong, independent and beautiful woman".

    I say it, I believe it and I think it. It's hard going through the process of a relationship breakdown. It's an emotional rollercoaster that will see you sink to the depths of despair but the only way is up and you will rise to find the light again. I am on this rollercoaster and feel like throwing myself off. But the seat belt is on and I am stuck for the ride. So now I have to make the most of what i've been dealt this life. Something positive always comes from the negative. i honestly cant see that yet, but through the support on mfp I have so far, I can only think that focusing on myself is heading in the right direction for me and for my kids.

    Love hurts, it wasn't meant to, but this time it is.

    Here to fight the journey with you, sit next to you on that insane rollercoaster ride of life with our hands in the air, screaming our lungs out and just not giving a **** about whats over the next rise because WE CAN TAKE WHATS GONNA BE THROWN AT US!!

    Wow. Got that one out. Here to be a support and a shoulder to cry on :)
    Chin up, smile and go live your life for you now girl. Go for it. You deserve it.

    All the best
    Louisa.
  • cutiepie2628
    cutiepie2628 Posts: 415 Member
    It's now time for 'me' time girl. You need to rediscover who you are. You first need to find what your new manta will be. Something you can write down and read and see every single day. This is one you are welcome to share as it's my personal one....

    "I am a strong, independent and beautiful woman".

    I say it, I believe it and I think it. It's hard going through the process of a relationship breakdown. It's an emotional rollercoaster that will see you sink to the depths of despair but the only way is up and you will rise to find the light again. I am on this rollercoaster and feel like throwing myself off. But the seat belt is on and I am stuck for the ride. So now I have to make the most of what i've been dealt this life. Something positive always comes from the negative. i honestly cant see that yet, but through the support on mfp I have so far, I can only think that focusing on myself is heading in the right direction for me and for my kids.

    Love hurts, it wasn't meant to, but this time it is.

    Here to fight the journey with you, sit next to you on that insane rollercoaster ride of life with our hands in the air, screaming our lungs out and just not giving a **** about whats over the next rise because WE CAN TAKE WHATS GONNA BE THROWN AT US!!

    Wow. Got that one out. Here to be a support and a shoulder to cry on :)
    Chin up, smile and go live your life for you now girl. Go for it. You deserve it.

    All the best
    Louisa.

    nicely said:bigsmile:
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