I Need to Rant ;_;

Umeboshi · April 2009

Ok..i fell off the wagon a whlie back and this site had really been working for me.... since then I gained all the weight i lost back which was about 8 pounds. ;_;

Then today I get into bed (which isn't mine. it's my grandma's as i've been living at her house while she's been out of town for several months) and the bed is broken. It's my fault. I seriously broke one of the wooden boards supporting the mattresses, so now the head of the mattress sinks to the floor if i sit on it.
I've already been having horrible self image these past few weeks and now i feel like i don't even want to be alive. Not suicidal but at the same time i do feel that way about myself.

I also found out today that the reason I've been more depressed (barely having energy or motivation to do anything including going to class and bathing more than 2 times a week) and having irregular periods and having NO sex drive at all is because i most likely had a miscarriage several months ago. It would have been the ONLY chance for me to have a baby with my boyfriend (we're planning to get married in a couple years) because he is on HRT. He's transgendered and now can't have kids. Permanently.

I probably gained that weight so fast because of the miscarriage and depression.

Umeboshi · April 2009

Ok..i fell off the wagon a whlie back and this site had really been working for me.... since then I gained all the weight i lost back which was about 8 pounds. ;_;

Then today I get into bed (which isn't mine. it's my grandma's as i've been living at her house while she's been out of town for several months) and the bed is broken. It's my fault. I seriously broke one of the wooden boards supporting the mattresses, so now the head of the mattress sinks to the floor if i sit on it.
I've already been having horrible self image these past few weeks and now i feel like i don't even want to be alive. Not suicidal but at the same time i do feel that way about myself.

I also found out today that the reason I've been more depressed (barely having energy or motivation to do anything including going to class and bathing more than 2 times a week) and having irregular periods and having NO sex drive at all is because i most likely had a miscarriage several months ago. It would have been the ONLY chance for me to have a baby with my boyfriend (we're planning to get married in a couple years) because he is on HRT. He's transgendered and now can't have kids. Permanently.

I probably gained that weight so fast because of the miscarriage and depression.

mrsyac2 · April 2009

Im going to be blunty honest- You need to focus on losing weight and getting healthy first- Your 18 right now and need to focus on you- Children shouldn't be priority right now-
I read your profile and you say every time you start you quit and within so much time you packed on 100lbs if you don't change your eating habits the weight will get higher and higher.
You have got to focus on you getting active and eating right and sticking to it without quitting-

You breaking the bed should have been your AH HA moment seriously-- Im sure you don't want to get too big where you have to put blocks under your bed to hold you up- Or that you get too big to sit in seats ect..
Your are still young and it is easier now for you to lose weight then say in 10 years-

aprilvet · April 2009

So sorry to hear all that.:frown: We're here for you.

cyndeebee · April 2009

So sorry, Hon, for everything you're going through. It's a lot you've had to bear these past weeks.
Don't know if this will help, but something I saw in your letter was that you're looking back, trying to decipher where you got derailed. But the fact that you're here, back at MFP, means that you've gotten back on track. So rather than looking back and trying to find out the cause, try to look forward. Anticipate what lies ahead for you...

All sadness is a trial...and a growing opportunity. If you do choose to look back, maybe you might try how you're looking back...

Instead of saying "What went wrong? Why did this happen?" you might try saying "Wow...Look what I've just been through...and look at how well I survived." Because you did. And you will.

As far as the broken bed, when I weighed a mere 110 pounds a few years ago, I broke a bed in exactly the way you described. By myself. And not by jumping on it or anything. Stuff happens. Broken beds are, in NO way, a reflection of the person we truly are.

Blessings. Take care of yourself.

Noday543 · April 2009

If you most likely had a miscarriage then you need to go to the doc and get checked! There are certain procedures they have to do afterwards... and that might be leading to the depression! Pick your head back up start excersing and eating healthy and you should feel a million times better!!! You will not onyl have more energy but feel better because you are bettering yourself! TRY TRY AGAIN and good luck!

plussized · April 2009

I think we've all broken beds. At least I know I have, more than one! It's ok. Things happen. The bed can be easily fixed.

You know, weight loss isn't something you can force yourself to do. If that is how its starts, you will never finish. You have to be strong through it all. It's going to be tough, but I promise you it is possible. Maybe, and please don't take offense to this, maybe it isn't the right time for you to focus your 100% to it. I'm not saying you're going to be big forever, or even that you should stay big. What I am saying is that maybe you need to get some other factors of your life under control first. If it was, indeed, because you had a miscarriage, you need to focus on making sure you are ok from that, physically and mentally.

Once you've begun to talk to someone about whats going on, maybe you will find that it is easier to focus more on weight loss. I've learned to work out at the gym when I'm frustrated with nobody to talk to. It helps me clear my mind and keeps me away from mindless binging, but even still I have slip-ups. I have times where I'm so angry/sad/mad/whatever at myself that I just binge. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and we all have challenges to overcome with weight loss. But, being healthy isn't only about weight loss, it's also about taking care of yourself in EVERY sense of the word.

I wish you the best, and hope that you don't take any offense to anything I've said. Also, I hope that you can get the help and support you need from whomever you wish to receive it from.

:flowerforyou:

ivykivy · April 2009

Don't feel bad the old beds are easy to break even with a regular weight person. Anytime I hear the word slat I think 1955 bed!

I am truly sorry about your miscarriage. But it is a blessing that it has not endangered your life. When the time come for you to marry you can always adopt lovely ready made children- they are the best kind:flowerforyou:

Carl01 · April 2009

Not being critical or judgemental but you also need to surround yourself with some stability.

Please seek that out and not just an arm around the shoulder here exclusively...that is okay but isn`t going to sort out all the complicated issues you have going.

mrsyac2 · April 2009

Ok..i fell off the wagon a whlie back and this site had really been working for me.... since then I gained all the weight i lost back which was about 8 pounds. ;_;

Then today I get into bed (which isn't mine. it's my grandma's as i've been living at her house while she's been out of town for several months) and the bed is broken. It's my fault. I seriously broke one of the wooden boards supporting the mattresses, so now the head of the mattress sinks to the floor if i sit on it.
I've already been having horrible self image these past few weeks and now i feel like i don't even want to be alive. Not suicidal but at the same time i do feel that way about myself.

I also found out today that the reason I've been more depressed (barely having energy or motivation to do anything including going to class and bathing more than 2 times a week) and having irregular periods and having NO sex drive at all is because i most likely had a miscarriage several months ago. It would have been the ONLY chance for me to have a baby with my boyfriend (we're planning to get married in a couple years) because he is on HRT. He's transgendered and now can't have kids. Permanently.

I probably gained that weight so fast because of the miscarriage and depression.

have you seen a doctor since your "most likely miscarriage"? How about you schedule and appt with your OB/GYN as a first step- just by looking they can tell you alot- thats a start then talk to them about a nutritionist

ngwife4life · April 2009

Just thought I'd throw this out there...

This weekend, I hopped on my bed. It broke. My husband had sat on it a week prior to that (it's on his side) and when he got up, we heard it crack. We laughed about the 3 year old bed breaking in a place where we rarely ever sit (the foot of the bed) and moved on. So, technically he broke it but boy, did I feel fat. The screw itself completely chopped in half so I say it was a defect! Or at least that's what I tell myself...

Chin up and just get moving. You've got your whole life ahead of you!

Umeboshi · April 2009

Thanks everyone for all the comments and support. I really appreciate it.. @.@ I just really needed to throw that all out there.

Umeboshi · April 2009

Im going to be blunty honest- You need to focus on losing weight and getting healthy first- Your 18 right now and need to focus on you- Children shouldn't be priority right now-
I read your profile and you say every time you start you quit and within so much time you packed on 100lbs if you don't change your eating habits the weight will get higher and higher.
You have got to focus on you getting active and eating right and sticking to it without quitting-

You breaking the bed should have been your AH HA moment seriously-- Im sure you don't want to get too big where you have to put blocks under your bed to hold you up- Or that you get too big to sit in seats ect..
Your are still young and it is easier now for you to lose weight then say in 10 years-

Thanks for the input but I have to say that I take all that you said as very rude and judgmental...
I'm obviously aware that i'm overweight and thats why im on this site to begin with. Like i said, i needed to rant and this community has always been very nice to me so i thought if i were going to spill my guts anywhere like that it'd be here. I didn't expect to have to explain and defend everything.

For starters, I wasn't trying to have children, and ive been trying to deal with the fact i won't ever be able to with my partner. Finding out I lost the one chance to have children with her is devastating even though now wouldn't be the right time to have one.

Also, when i gained that 100 I was dealing with depression while in an extremely abusive relationship which started when i was 14, then recovering from post traumatic stress disorder along with further depression triggered by the abuse... it was not under normal circumstances by far.

From reading your profile i noticed that you have no idea what an eating disorder is like or what it's like to actually live with being overweight and not just needing to lose for vanity and extra fitness. You don't understand how hard exercise is, how hard it is to deal with social prejudices, how painful it is to go clothes shopping with friends and wish you could wear what they can.

Next time, instead of judging without knowing all the circumstances, try to either be supportive or don't say anything at all. Especially in a case like this.

To Carl:

Not being critical or judgemental but you also need to surround yourself with some stability.

Please seek that out and not just an arm around the shoulder here exclusively...that is okay but isn`t going to sort out all the complicated issues you have going.

On a separate note entirely : thanks for the concern.

I actually see a therapist for the issues i mentioned above, and my life is fairly stable with college/a steady relationship/a good relationship with my parents/ etc... My main problem these past few months has been the hormonal issue messing with my mood and causing my depression to come back.

mrsyac2 · April 2009

I actually used to be fat!!!- I may not have been morbidly obese #1 because I won't let myself get that far #2 my family and friends would intervene before it got that bad - I got too damn big but I busted my *kitten* and stop eating junk and got myself down and I still have more to go as far as weight loss.

Nobody bashed you but if you would like to take it that way fine.
And just cause you didn't get pregnant doesn't mean that you can never have kids however I don't take back that you shouldn't worry about them now there are plenty of same sex couples having kids.

If you feel offended I am sorry but that is the risk you take when you post on a forum- getting all types of opinions- and I am blunt and to the point and I actually tried to sugar coat your post- But your right if I don't have something nice to say I shouldn't- But what one considers nice another person does not.

Sorry for whatever has gone in your past we all have demons in our closet some use them as a cop outs or as a crutch others use them as motivation to be better-

cyndeebee · April 2009

Hi again, Sleepy Kitten...

Just checking in, and hoping you're feeling somewhat better today.
As far as the responses you got here, take what's valuable to you, discard what isn't. I don't think anyone intended to be rude, but sometimes our "good advice" can sound like sermonizing.
I agree with the ones who said that the first thing on your agenda should be seeing a doctor. A check-up, to assure you that you're fine, could lift your spirits...and if you did have a miscarriage, you'll need to be checked out, to make sure there are no complications.
And I'll share this with you: I'm a bit of a loser at love and relationships, so I never thought I'd have the little girl I always wanted. I was single, not interested in ANY relationship...What were my prospects for having a child???
But there is a power in the Universe that works behind the scenes. Almost 12 years ago, out of the blue, a family member called me up. She had serious health problems...and she was pregnant. She asked me if I'd raise her child. First reaction was "Are you kidding?" (because I was 43 at the time). But then the idea took hold. And today, I'm the LEGAL mom of a beautiful almost-12 year old girl.
My point: Never say never.
Just take a day at a time. When that feels like too much, break it down into hours, minutes...
And let your life unfold the way it is meant to. I've been in the world long enough to know that life is full of wonderful surprises.
Wishing you the best!

Umeboshi · April 2009

I actually used to be fat!!!- I may not have been morbidly obese #1 because I won't let myself get that far #2 my family and friends would intervene before it got that bad - I got too damn big but I busted my *kitten* and stop eating junk and got myself down and I still have more to go as far as weight loss.

Nobody bashed you but if you would like to take it that way fine.
And just cause you didn't get pregnant doesn't mean that you can never have kids however I don't take back that you shouldn't worry about them now there are plenty of same sex couples having kids.

If you feel offended I am sorry but that is the risk you take when you post on a forum- getting all types of opinions- and I am blunt and to the point and I actually tried to sugar coat your post- But your right if I don't have something nice to say I shouldn't- But what one considers nice another person does not.

Sorry for whatever has gone in your past we all have demons in our closet some use them as a cop outs or as a crutch others use them as motivation to be better-

It was kinda obvious to see you were (and still are) at least belittling me for being "morbidly obese", which shouldn't happen. I do want to lose the weight for my health and so i can feel better about my appearance, but if someone wanted to stay around this weight I don't think anyone should be judgmental about it. It's a choice and some people find bigger women (and men) to be beautiful. Smokers hurt their health too and people aren't half as mean to them. :P And I do not use anything as a crutch or a cop out. I just was stating the facts of what happened to me. Since all that I have made a ton of progress in my life.
Also, same sex couples adopt or have kids from donor sperm. I was talking about having biological children with both me and my girlfriend's DNA.

**********************************************************************

To Cyndeebee

Thanks, I have been feeling much better today. I just was having a bad day and like i said needed to have a good rant. I'll be making a doctor's appointment really soon, too.

Congratulations on your child too.

My parents had me when they were in their early forties too and they were wonderful. You don't have to be super young to have a kid.
I know I can adopt a child or even give birth with all the sperm banks out there but something in me REALLY wants a biological child. I know it's easy to love an adopted child just as much though.

1Corinthians13 · April 2009

Hi again, Sleepy Kitten...

Just checking in, and hoping you're feeling somewhat better today.
As far as the responses you got here, take what's valuable to you, discard what isn't. I don't think anyone intended to be rude, but sometimes our "good advice" can sound like sermonizing.
I agree with the ones who said that the first thing on your agenda should be seeing a doctor. A check-up, to assure you that you're fine, could lift your spirits...and if you did have a miscarriage, you'll need to be checked out, to make sure there are no complications.
And I'll share this with you: I'm a bit of a loser at love and relationships, so I never thought I'd have the little girl I always wanted. I was single, not interested in ANY relationship...What were my prospects for having a child???
But there is a power in the Universe that works behind the scenes. Almost 12 years ago, out of the blue, a family member called me up. She had serious health problems...and she was pregnant. She asked me if I'd raise her child. First reaction was "Are you kidding?" (because I was 43 at the time). But then the idea took hold. And today, I'm the LEGAL mom of a beautiful almost-12 year old girl.
My point: Never say never.
Just take a day at a time. When that feels like too much, break it down into hours, minutes...
And let your life unfold the way it is meant to. I've been in the world long enough to know that life is full of wonderful surprises.
Wishing you the best!

I just wanted to say that that's amazing and a beautiful story! I'm so happy that you have the beautiful girl you always wanted!

Sleepy - I agree with most of what has been said on here. I really don't think anyone was trying to hurt you or lash out at you. We're all concerned for you - and the first thing you really need to do is see a doctor regarding the miscarraige.

Then, hard as it might be, you need to focus on you and your health. That will make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself, and then you will be able to, when the time is right, focus on the child issue. There are many other ways the two of you can have children when/if you decide to do so.

But please, get yourself healthy - mind, body, and spirit - before you worry about having children.

mrsyac2 · April 2009

I actually used to be fat!!!- I may not have been morbidly obese #1 because I won't let myself get that far #2 my family and friends would intervene before it got that bad - I got too damn big but I busted my *kitten* and stop eating junk and got myself down and I still have more to go as far as weight loss.

Nobody bashed you but if you would like to take it that way fine.
And just cause you didn't get pregnant doesn't mean that you can never have kids however I don't take back that you shouldn't worry about them now there are plenty of same sex couples having kids.

If you feel offended I am sorry but that is the risk you take when you post on a forum- getting all types of opinions- and I am blunt and to the point and I actually tried to sugar coat your post- But your right if I don't have something nice to say I shouldn't- But what one considers nice another person does not.

Sorry for whatever has gone in your past we all have demons in our closet some use them as a cop outs or as a crutch others use them as motivation to be better-

It was kinda obvious to see you were (and still are) at least belittling me for being "morbidly obese", which shouldn't happen. I do want to lose the weight for my health and so i can feel better about my appearance, but if someone wanted to stay around this weight I don't think anyone should be judgmental about it. It's a choice and some people find bigger women (and men) to be beautiful. Smokers hurt their health too and people aren't half as mean to them. :P And I do not use anything as a crutch or a cop out. I just was stating the facts of what happened to me. Since all that I have made a ton of progress in my life.
Also, same sex couples adopt or have kids from donor sperm. I was talking about having biological children with both me and my girlfriend's DNA.
**********************************************************************

To Cyndeebee

Thanks, I have been feeling much better today. I just was having a bad day and like i said needed to have a good rant. I'll be making a doctor's appointment really soon, too.
Congratulations on your child too. My parents had me when they were in their early forties too and they were wonderful. You don't have to be super young to have a kid.
I know I can adopt a child or even give birth with all the sperm banks out there but something in me REALLY wants a biological child. I know it's easy to love an adopted child just as much though.

Me talking about morbidly obese people isn't to knock them and say they aren't beautiful and that people won't find them attractive- I was talking simply because of health reasons- And no I wouldn't want to be morbidly obese but that is me personally- And when I said some use them as cop outs or a crutch doesn't mean that I was talking about you I was making a comment you are taking everything I say out of context

I Need to Rant ;_;

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