This doesn't have to do with mfp, but it does that it causes

AmysNewBeginning
AmysNewBeginning Posts: 244 Member
edited October 5 in Motivation and Support
ok, this is so not mfp related but this is part of what has caused me to not be on here as much as i would like, and i'm about to lose my mind...I have a SERIOUS question please. Has anyone ever had/does have/ or know someone that has a small child that has anxiety? This little girl has came to my daycare for 4 weeks now, & cries all day long. She wants to be held all the time & I can't give her that one on one attention. She is 18 months, & still takes a bottle with formula & cereal in it! So wrong I know, but that isn't my call. The family is working with me, they even just now brought me a pacifier to see if that helps. NOPE. Every time I leave room she cries, she cries ALL THE TIME. When she gets here in the morning she opens her arms to me, so I know she likes me, but I am about to lose my mind. In 12 years doing daycare this is the hardest child I have ever had to get adjusted, and to listen to a child cry for 3 hrs at a time isn't cutting it. I want this work out, but I just don't know if it is going to. I think it is anxiety with all the kids. If I hold her she is fine. I am desperate, so if anyone can give me some help other than alcohol or drugs, please help me. :sad:

Replies

  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
    is there some kind of special toy that she likes, maybe something from home that reminds her of mom? it may not work out anyway, she may just need more time or to be with mom. after 4wks you would think she would be adjusting. hold her as much as you possibly can, maybe if you bring her in something special, and she only gets it when she doesnt cry? i dont know, even as a sahm my kids never had that bad of separation anxiety! maybe look up super nanny and see what she says! i know im not much help!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I was that child! Apparently, every time my mom left me with someone else (aunts, grandparents, close friends) I would cry when she left and not stop until she came back. It's severe separation anxiety. I wonder if the home life is a little less than ideal. My parents fought constantly and I think that has a lot to do with how I was as a baby and toddler.

    I don't have any advice for you, just the idea of the possible cause. Hope it gets better.
  • trybefan
    trybefan Posts: 488 Member
    Wow, that's tough. I have worked with kids like this, they were on the Autism Spectrum and about a year older. Some things to consider would be a comfort item from home, sometimes that works. Any type of video that the child likes? Unfortunatly, there is some thin ice treading at this point as to not enable the child, but such a tough battle.
  • raisingbabyk
    raisingbabyk Posts: 442 Member
    Maybe the parents can bring you a baby carrier that way she can be close to you but you have your hands free?
  • Salinat
    Salinat Posts: 36
    Def Separation Anxiety. Ask Mom to bring a photo of the family. Allow the child to keep it close. My 4 year old is going through it!
  • dlcam61
    dlcam61 Posts: 228 Member
    If you know and trust a local pediatrician that would be step one. The parents obviously know something is up, but don't know what. They need to get her evaluated and they also need to switch up her diet. Are they first time parents? Sounds like they are, and they sound like they need help with their daughter. It sounds like separation anxiety, but normally (as you well know) kids get over it and move on. She's still very young though, and she sounds like she is terrified of being away from mom & dad. It's possible she isn't getting the attention she needs at home and is really desperate for human contact. It's hard for you, but imagine what the parents are going through. I would wonder what their attitude about this situation is, are they truly concerned or do they brush it off as nothing? Could be serious attachment issues with the parents. Seek medical advice though, she could have other issues too that need to be addressed, and if her diet is not adequate she would be having a hard time adjusting and would feel awful all the time. My kids act like that when they are sick, but not for 4 weeks. Best of luck, sorry I can't think of anything more at this time, but if I do I will come & post again. :flowerforyou:
  • MummaAimz
    MummaAimz Posts: 81 Member
    Sounds like she is getting spoiled at home! My daughter used to cry all the time after comming home from daycare and I realized it was because my daycare provider would carry her around ALL DAY, especially if she wined for it. I put a stop to that right quick. Maybe have a chat with the parents about how much time she has at home to sit in a playpen and play or on the floor or whatever. I know it's hard to listen too but they will eventually stop crying and move on with life. If you just make an apperance everytime she starts crying, tell her shes ok and then go about whatever you were doing that might help...giving in just adds fuel to the fire. It's hard to look after kids with anxiety...i feel for ya
  • Phoenix24601
    Phoenix24601 Posts: 620 Member
    I had a child like that when I worked day care. As much as it stunk I wouldn't hold him all day like he wanted. What worked is three things that are one. First the child brought their favorite animal from home and the mom sprayed it with her perfume. Two, the child had a picture of the mom with his play things (it was laminated - they have teddy bears I think that have a photo pocket in the front). Three, the child had one of his mom's favorite blankets (which was also perfumed) to have during nap time.
    It worked in my class, but every child is different.
  • DietingMommy08
    DietingMommy08 Posts: 1,345 Member
    My son did the same thing for 3 mos at his first daycare when I started going back to school. "/

    Bring a favorite blanket or stuffed animal from home. Put on some soft music, maybe a baby einstiens cartoon (the toys on it, ect always caught my sons attention). Either she has severe seperation anxiety or mom is the type that is ALWAYS holding her at home.

    I hope it works out for you.
  • luvmybeebees
    luvmybeebees Posts: 681 Member
    Poor little one! I know how you feel - my 8 year old has been having some of those issues, and just knowing she was upset raised my anxiety levels. What we did was give her one of MY special stuffed animals, that she can have while I'm gone. I always show her that I am giving the bear kisses and lots of love that the bear will 'share' with her when I am gone. Also gave her a pix of me and my hubby in a plastic ziploc that she can look at whenever she wants.

    The mom should start holding the baby and the 'special' toy together, so the baby will relate the toy to the mom. Then she will associate it w/mom when she's gone.

    Good luck!
  • LethaSue
    LethaSue Posts: 285 Member
    Awww I feel so bad for the little girl. I feel bad for you as well because I know it has to be stressful for you too. I wonder if she has been raised in an enviroment where she was held alot. It would probabley be that she was held for security or ignored one. She might need to be in a home where she is the only child being cared for. Maybe she has never been around other little kids. I don't think I have any advice for you. I just hope she is getting the security she needs.
  • kykykenna
    kykykenna Posts: 656 Member
    Oh my soul. Have no suggestions other than what has been stated, but god love you, woman for being so patient and wanting to help. THAT is what I would look for in a daycare provider!
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,223 Member
    I was that child! Apparently, every time my mom left me with someone else (aunts, grandparents, close friends) I would cry when she left and not stop until she came back. It's severe separation anxiety. I wonder if the home life is a little less than ideal. My parents fought constantly and I think that has a lot to do with how I was as a baby and toddler.

    I don't have any advice for you, just the idea of the possible cause. Hope it gets better.

    My sister was that kid too, heck she's 30+ and she is STILL like that. Cries @ the drop of a hat over everything/anything. Our home life could be VERY chaotic and that has a HUGE impact on infant/toddler development.

    My daughter was a bit clingy, but she adjusted well to daycare. There was also another girl the same age as my daughter, so she had another baby to crawl around with.

    I would suggest that the parents, when they drop the little girl off to take the time to soothe her and if they can sneak away. Perhaps if the baby doesn't notice when they actually leave that will help. (?)

    Additionally, I'd also ask the parents to make a visit to their peditrician and verify there's nothing physically wrong with her.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I was that child! Apparently, every time my mom left me with someone else (aunts, grandparents, close friends) I would cry when she left and not stop until she came back. It's severe separation anxiety. I wonder if the home life is a little less than ideal. My parents fought constantly and I think that has a lot to do with how I was as a baby and toddler.

    I don't have any advice for you, just the idea of the possible cause. Hope it gets better.

    My sister was that kid too, heck she's 30+ and she is STILL like that. Cries @ the drop of a hat over everything/anything. Our home life could be VERY chaotic and that has a HUGE impact on infant/toddler development.

    My daughter was a bit clingy, but she adjusted well to daycare. There was also another girl the same age as my daughter, so she had another baby to crawl around with.

    I would suggest that the parents, when they drop the little girl off to take the time to soothe her and if they can sneak away. Perhaps if the baby doesn't notice when they actually leave that will help. (?)

    Additionally, I'd also ask the parents to make a visit to their peditrician and verify there's nothing physically wrong with her.

    Thankfully, I grew out of it -- before I started preschool. Probably around age 3.

    And my daughter was the opposite. I remember dropping her off at daycare when she was 3 and I stayed to talk (it was a home daycare and she was AMAZING. I'm still in touch with her 14 years later.). My daughter got mad at me for staying and was literally pushing me out the door.
  • Pisc2749
    Pisc2749 Posts: 61 Member
    I dealt with a niece that was like this until she was around 5 or 6 years old. She would beg to come to my house, then cry the entire time after my sister left. It was miserable. Some kids have no coping skills because their parent(s) never allow them to deal with uncomfortable situations, and the they are coddled too much. Children have to be able to soothe themselves at times. This sound harsh I realize, but in my years of experience with babies and children, the ones who had issues like this were also very good at being manipulative.

    What worked for me was basically ignoring the tears. I found that the less I reacted to her crying, the more she would quiet down. I don't mean completely ignore her, but act like she's not crying. Treat her like the other kids who are not crying. Sound strange, I know. I would just talk to her in a normal voice like nothing was wrong. I wouldn't feed into her emotionally.

    She is not in distress. She's young, but can understand that mommy comes back for her. If she's fed, cared for, and has toys and friends at daycare, there is no reason she should be crying that much other than to get something out of it, like she probably does at home. Sorry if others don't agree, but I've seen it first hand enough times to know that they are trying to control their surroundings and don't like it when it's not working out for them. Of course they miss mommy, she does whatever they want!
  • AmysNewBeginning
    AmysNewBeginning Posts: 244 Member
    Thanks all, yes this sucks, and I hate this. She likes me, she is happy at first then cries with the kids. Cries if I go to
    the bathroom, or heat up my coffee. She does have a blanket she brings, the mom even brought me a pacifer today!

    I was changing her diaper today, then when done, stood her up and the next one came and laid down, she friggin started
    crying cuz I was changing another diaper on someone else.

    There is no consistancy in her life, which is sad, but we can't keep going on like this. The parents hold her all the time. I will
    NOT do that, I have other children to love and play with.

    I think she needs to be with someone that only has 1-2 kids, I don't think we are a good match, and I think I am prob going to
    have to let her go. Its not fair to her, the other kids, me, or the parents & grandparents. :(

    I went to bed at 6:00 last night because I was so wiped out.

    Thanks for all your suggestions, stories, makes me feel better.

    Have a fantastic day...I am right now cuz she is asleep. :wink:
  • DietingMommy08
    DietingMommy08 Posts: 1,345 Member
    You should have a talk with the parents first and establish some ground rules at home to where they dont hold her as much.

    Give them a chance to see if you can do that and then let them go.

    If she does it with you, then she will do it at every daycare. Even if I was a daycare provider and only had a couple kids, I still woudnt hold her. U gotta show her its okay and yes give her time to learn how to soothe herself.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Thanks all, yes this sucks, and I hate this. She likes me, she is happy at first then cries with the kids. Cries if I go to
    the bathroom, or heat up my coffee. She does have a blanket she brings, the mom even brought me a pacifer today!

    I was changing her diaper today, then when done, stood her up and the next one came and laid down, she friggin started
    crying cuz I was changing another diaper on someone else.

    There is no consistancy in her life, which is sad, but we can't keep going on like this. The parents hold her all the time. I will
    NOT do that, I have other children to love and play with.

    I think she needs to be with someone that only has 1-2 kids, I don't think we are a good match, and I think I am prob going to
    have to let her go. Its not fair to her, the other kids, me, or the parents & grandparents. :(

    I went to bed at 6:00 last night because I was so wiped out.

    Thanks for all your suggestions, stories, makes me feel better.

    Have a fantastic day...I am right now cuz she is asleep. :wink:

    Oh, yes. If the parents hold her all the time, that's a problem.

    But there are so many reasons a kid could be doing this and there's only so much you can do about it. If you have to let her go, you have to. I hope you can work it out.
  • quietlywinning
    quietlywinning Posts: 889 Member
    Get her busy! I had one like that when I did daycare. I held him for awhile when he first got to my house, then said what work I had to do and handed him a second "tool" - dust cloth, whisk broom if I was sweeping, let him push the laundry basket to the laundry room and "help" me carry it to the living room sofa to fold clothes. I gave hims something to do while I fixed lunch, even if it was stirring a tiny bit of oatmeal in a plastic bowl with a plastic spoon. That way all the kids could participate with us if they wanted and I wasn't solely focused on one child, yet he was getting what he felt like was constant attention. And he quit the blasted crying. I think I went about six weeks listening to the crying before I figured out what to do. He was barely over a year old and barely walking, but could push an empty laundry basket to help him stay on his feet, and when he had to put effort into something, it changed his focus. After a chore, I would sit on the floor and have everyone play pat-a-cake or something similar, and he'd always end up in my lap, but that was fine - he didn't cry his way there and it didn't make my arm feel like it would fall off! He did eventually start to just go play with the other kids more and more, until I really wasn't all that fascinating at all.

    I wouldn't be too quick to blame the parents. There may be many factors you don't know about. If they have a doctor for the child, the doctor can deal with diet, how much she gets held at home, etc. She can adjust to the different environment as long as it is stable, so just be consistent with her so she knows what to expect. Tell her what you are doing before you do it - sneaking out or encouraging the parents to sneak just teaches her that she can't trust any of you. No prolonged goodbyes (a few minutes to let her adjust is okay, but no saying goodbye and then standing there hugging or waving or apologizing), but no sneaking, either. If she knows what to expect, she can adjust.

    You are very patient!! I can remember those days....and shudder!!!
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