Socially Awkward--that's me

kappyblu · December 2011

It's actually quite sad how socially awkward I am. Just this morning, on my way into work, I ran into an old friend whom in my opinion is one of the nicest ladies you'd ever want to meet. She helped me and my family out in ways that made me feel like she was an angel. Meeting her was actually a major turning point in my life. But after a while, we lost touch and saw each other around town every now and then. Now this morning, of course I was on my way into work, and she was on her way to a class (I work at a major university) and we didn't have much time, but I still wish that I had kept in touch with her. She invited me to coffee sometime, which I am looking forward to. But it always happens that I run out of things to say about 10 minutes into the conversation. (this happens with most people I talk to as well, actually most people) I have tons of interests, I just find it hard to put everything into words and struggle to keep my confidence going. Which leads me to the awkwardness.

I usually eat lunch alone in a dining room full of people. I have my book with me kind of as a shield so no one will sit with me. I love to read, I do it all the time...but I feel like I use it to avoid talking to people. I also try to find a table that is the most private, out of the way, against the wall, in a corner, out of sight table I can find. I talk with my co-workers all the time during the workday, but only a few minutes at a time. It's those long situations that I dread. This isn't anything new, I've always done this.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you cope? I appreciate any suggestions anyone can give. Thanks!

zippo32 · December 2011

I do this.
Just like on this site, I give myself little challenges. Daily, I make it a point to talk to someone/ to approach someone/ to greet someone.
Being alone/ safe feeling will always be there for you. You're good at that. Engaging people is the challenge.
People are nice. They say nice things, normally.

Kirsty_UK · December 2011

Sorry you struggle with that. I'm not too bad now, but I had depression for a while and struggled a lot with it then.

My advice would be this
- dont avoid social situations, just go with little and often and build it up - avoiding it builds fear which builds pressure and then you avoid it even more! with lunch, it's ok to have some quiet time alone if that's what you want, not just avoiding something else, if you want a short time with them over lunch, put your lunch slightly out of synch so you only overlap by a shorter time and work up to it
- dont feel like you have to be the one to make conversation all the time - a conversation is a two way thing - it's equal, and they need to converse as well, it's not purely your responsibility to make it flow - and with your work colleagues, that's a group, and sometimes, you may not even need to speak at all
- ask questions - have some standard ones that work with everyone, like have you got anything nice planned for the weekend? seen anything good at the cinema lately? did you manage to get away on holiday this year? something to get them talking, and follow it up with further questions that show you've been listening (but not like a grilling/interview!)
- and finally, realise that sometimes you just dont have anything to say to someone, and that's ok, it doesn't make you dull or uninteresting!

Conversation, particularly with work colleagues, is a valuable tool, and bonding can help your relationship with them for work purposes as well.

card603 · December 2011

I'm the same way, right down to the book. I think that the only way to deal with it, is to put the book down and find a place in the center of things. Find an empty seat in the cafeteria. I can put myself out there for a while, but I tend to revert back to my natural comfort zone. It gets lonely, but if I realize that it is my own fault that I'm isolated and not others actively isolating me, I feel better. I've thought about trying anti-anxiety meds, but that raises my anxiety. Ironic, huh?

trlyblssd79 · December 2011

Sometimes I do find it awkward to interact socially with people too. I think my reason is that I am in daycare so my interaction is with infants - 5 years old ALL day long.

My husband is the most social person in the world (he has strangers sharing their life story with him within the first 5 minutes of meeting him)! I love going out with him because he always keeps the conversations flowing smoothly with whoever we group date with.
Maybe you have a friend who is a social butterfly that you can hang out with and take mental notes for when you go out on your own. Don't feel as if you have to be the one to hold down the conversation. Do you have mutual interests or friends you can ask her about. Also, it doesn't have to be a long get together.

andiechick · December 2011

Hi hun, I do know a bit of how you feel.

When I was younger, I was painfully shy,but I knew I didn't want to be like that for the rest of my life and decided to change.

Make small steps, start with a smile at someone, try and make eye contact when you do it. Don't expect to just suddenly jump into a full on conversation, but give yourself small targets to achieve, making conversation with people you know, until you feel ready and confident to talk to someone you don't know.

I suspect your divorce may have knocked your confidence and you've just focused all your energies on your kids, but now its your time. You've done a great thing putting yourself back into education, that would take some strength, now use a little bit of that strength to build on your social life

:flowerforyou: Andie x

emergencytennis · December 2011

My kid has Aspergers Syndrome and I am probably somewhere on the spectrum myself. We misinterpret facial expressions and other social cues.

Social ease is like maths - some come to it naturally and others have to work hard to master the basic skills. For my daughter she has to learn social rules like it is a foreign language; with persistent and regular practice.

If you feel that your lack of social fluency is a hindrance and you are unhappy about it then I strongly suggest you find someone to teach you, in just the way that you would find a French teacher if you wanted to live in France (I am assuming you live in a first-world country). Your GP could certainly refer you to a speech therapist who deals with adults in this situation.

I love this part from "Pride and Prejudice."

``I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,'' said Darcy, ``of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.''

``My fingers,'' said Elizabeth, ``do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault -- because I would not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution.''

Galletakek · December 2011

im like this to lol ..but i dont even know what to say after hi and how are you... lol.. i guess thats why i love the internet

true story sad story =.=..... but when i warm up to ppl if they last that long... im tons of fun

... bahaha i really only have one friend.. and its cause im soo shy : /

Jesusinme4life · December 2011

I am very socially awkward myself down to where aside from the friends I am making here and the friends I have made on Facebook I don't have any "reality" friends. My friends are my husband, 4 year old daughter and 2 years old son. I never know what to say either and pretty much avoid places that I will have to find something to have to talk about. I am praying as I lose weight and have more confidence this will change.

kappyblu · December 2011

What's ironic is, my oldest daughter (she's 7) is a social butterfly. She's a lot like her dad (my ex-husband). She always wants to invite people over to our house. I always find some excuse to avoid this. I can't keep avoiding this forever. I don't want to confine her, but find it so difficult to have anyone other than family to our house.

capriciousmoon · December 2011

I'm the same way and also have social anxiety, so I started meeting with a lady that I out into social situations with so I will get some practice. I live in a state where I don't know anyone and have no friends or family. Left on my own I would probably just stay inside all day and play video games.

emergencytennis · December 2011

What's ironic is, my oldest daughter (she's 7) is a social butterfly. She's a lot like her dad (my ex-husband). She always wants to invite people over to our house. I always find some excuse to avoid this. I can't keep avoiding this forever. I don't want to confine her, but find it so difficult to have anyone other than family to our house.

It is the same in our house. My two youngest children are very social and always want friends over.

This builds up with practice as well. Seven year olds don't notice you at all. You provide a playmate and some snacks and the visitor kiddo won't even see you. You will have to interact with the parent who picks up, but this is brief and you can anticipate and practice the exchange - they had a lovely time, your child is very polite, thank you for letting them come, yes, we should do this again, bye bye. I reckon you should have lots of playdates at your house as practice while the kiddoes are young, because the children themselves don't notice you at all, they really don't.

jr1985 · December 2011

I'm sorry that you are struggling with this...

I don't profess to be an expert by any means, but I do have a bachelors degree in Psychology, and some of what I learned in my classes, hopefully you will find interesting/helpful...

A lot of communication is non-verbal. I would suggest reading Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" book... It was written like in the 30's but still has a lot of valid points.

A point that he made that I found very interesting was that he said that if you wanted to make someone your friend... you should treat them as if you were a puppy and they were your owner coming home from a day at work... Act like you REALLY like them and are soooo excited to see them and that you just know that now that the two of you are together that you are going to have a blast...

Make eye contact and smile at people. Think of something of interest to THEM... even if it doesn't necessarily interest you, and ask them questions about it... If they are passionate about it, they will not only be happy to share, but you might end up being interested in what they have to say after all and learn something new.

People also tend to like people better that will touch them... But when we talk about touch... especially with basically a stranger... there is a fine line between friendly and creepy... stick with like a half second light touch on the arm or the shoulder, as a greeting when you see someone.

Maybe invite just one person out for lunch or away from the office so that you are not threatened and can get to know them a little better... Hope that this helps! Good luck!

gods_gal · December 2011

You have gorgeous eyes!! My hubby and son have pretty blue eyes also. Anyway, this book has been helpful to my family and me:
http://www.dalecarnegie.com/secrets_of_success/?keycode=google06_GBBranded&gclid=CIzW05aX4awCFcqa7Qod6Dhpng

Also, engage them by asking them about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves and being a good listener is a good trait.

Hope this helps.

Blessings,
Bonnie

emergencytennis · December 2011

I am going to be a b here and say that reading self-help books is useless. Also, don't touch anyone unless you feel absolutely comfortable doing it; don't touch people as part of a regime you are experimenting with.

if you feel your social anxiety is debilitating then get on to your GP and get a therapist. Don't muck around with looking into people's eyes because someone on this forum said so.

rosebarnalice · December 2011

I hear you! The worst for me is what I call "cocktail party chat"--one on one conversation with someone who I may or may not know well, wherever it may occur (elevator, store, dining room,etc.)

Here's a trick when you've run out of things to say: ask the other person a question. People LOVE to talk about themselves, and so you can keep a conversation going by the most innocuous of questions:
"what a lovely pin you're wearing. Was it a gift?"
"I see you got the peas--did you like peas when you were a child?"
"have you seen the new Muppet Movie?"

DisneyMommy · December 2011

When I feel a lull in conversation happening, I will just ask the person about themselves. People love to talk about themselves as the poster above said. It's very true and can keep a conversation moving.

Socially Awkward--that's me

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