Frustration with friends...

twocsmom
twocsmom Posts: 120 Member
edited October 5 in Motivation and Support
Wondering if anyone else has experienced this...I'm doing really well on this weight loss journey-I'm down 41 pounds in 4 months. The weight is coming off consistently, I'm still overweight, my doctor is pleased and says my goal weight is perfect, I still enjoy food-including eating out and my favorite sweets-just all in moderation. I eat an adequate amount of calories a day. Yet people still think they should tell me:

1. They are worried about me (even though they admire my hard work) because I'm pushing myself too hard
2. My face is getting too thin (coming from a friend who was supposed to do this journey with me...)
3. You'll be too thin if you lose 30 more...you're already too skinny (uh....no I'm not, I'm still overweight according to my BMI and my doctor)

What is it with people? Why can't they just celebrate with you?????

On the flip side of that I love MFP friends and I have one really good friend who is so encouraging and supportive-she holds me accountable and I love that...wish they could all be like that.

So...is it jealousy? Is it true concern? Or are people just being not so nice?

Replies

  • JeSuisPrest
    JeSuisPrest Posts: 2,005 Member
    Was just told by a good friend I am beginning to look anorexic. Just emailed her photos of what that really looks like! I'm 5'2" and now 131...hardly too thin.
  • CRSE1214
    CRSE1214 Posts: 196 Member
    Sounds like someone whose a little insecure about their own weight issues.
  • Krushchev
    Krushchev Posts: 178 Member
    When I first started losing weight, my family was convinced that I had a drug problem, then a thyroid problem, then an eating disorder. I think they just didn't want to admit they were too lazy to do the same things I was, lol. I know it sounds mean, but really I think if you REALLY want something & put your mind to it, you can do (almost) anything. (Sorry, idk about leaning to fly via positive thinking.)
  • IsleOfThanet
    IsleOfThanet Posts: 49
    Check out the topic I just posted ... "Intolerance of Sexy Peers" . It links to a research study from an academic article. Just reading the brief abstract made me want to read the whole article.
  • MJ7910
    MJ7910 Posts: 1,280 Member
    sounds like they just don't get it. if they are not in a frame of mind where they want to eat healthy and exercise they are not going to understand.
  • rileysowner
    rileysowner Posts: 8,330 Member
    I have heard the same thing. I personally think that people don't know what a healthy weight looks like. I simply smile, nod and ignore them. Their heart is in the right place it is their knowledge that is lacking.
  • juleseybaby
    juleseybaby Posts: 712 Member
    I have heard the same thing. I personally think that people don't know what a healthy weight looks like. I simply smile, nod and ignore them. Their heart is in the right place it is their knowledge that is lacking.

    ^^^ This
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
    Jealousy is part of it. Guilt is another. You are making choices that maybe they themselves WANT to make but haven't. Seeing your success makes them feel guilty. Also, if you have been carrying that 40 pounds for very long, then that is all they know of you. That is their normal. A thinner you is not normal to those around you. They will get used to it!

    You look great, congrats on your success!
  • themommie
    themommie Posts: 5,033 Member
    I think it is a combination of things. But I think part of it is people are not use to seeing you thinner also most people dont lose quite a bit of weight on their own in a short amount of time. Most people that do lose a good deal of weight due it with the help of surgery. Just keep doing what you have been and reach for your goal. As long as your dr thinks you are shooting for a healthy weight and you are happy with that goal that is really all that matters
  • H_Factor
    H_Factor Posts: 1,722 Member
    I have heard the same thing. I personally think that people don't know what a healthy weight looks like. I simply smile, nod and ignore them. Their heart is in the right place it is their knowledge that is lacking.

    ^^^ This

    x3. Everyone is different, but I think for most folks, they are trying to be positive (i.e., they realize you are working hard and have obviously made good progress so they want to show you they have noticed)...but they are ignorant at the same time. They don't know what to say because they have not been on this journey...or at least have not been successful on the journey. I suspect, for some, maybe there is some jealousy...but I think, for most, they are just trying to be supportive, but don't know how. Take it as a positive and acknowledge the gesture...but know that you have more work to do. Your pals on MFP understand the challenges on this journey.

    I experienced what you did at a similar time. I also lost 40 something pounds in my first 4 months. I also received the "wow, you're looking good" and then gasps of surprise when they heard I wanted to lose more. I think I got caught up in the "press clippings" for a bit...I let the complacency creep into my mind for a few months where I wasn't as fierce....my losses really slowed up (granted, part of that was due to reasons other than complacency and more related to body adjusting to more intense exercise...and I was making changes in my body...but complacency was at work here as well). It was during that time that I found MFP and then immersed myself in the community and the power of MFP. all of the encouragement and inspiration on MFP helped me get back into the zone...helped me find my fierce again. I have been in the zone since the beginning of October, losing another 20ish pounds since then and rock solid ready to achieve my goal. Along the way, I have accepted that my friends and co-workers are simply trying to be supportive when they tell me that I don't need to lose anymore.
  • Peanutmanda
    Peanutmanda Posts: 103
    I have been having a really hard time with this too! I finally started to stand up for myself. Im 5' 7ish 8" 151 lbs.. I AM NOT TOO THIN, & YES I CAN AFFORD TO LOSE A LIL MORE! :explode:

    I sometimes wish people would keep their opinions to them selfs.. They want their body at a certain look, and I want mine at a certain look.. The look of a girl the worked her butt off to look amazing in a bathing suit. :tongue:

    Its not their body.. They don't have to deal with it. Keep goin girl! You are doing awesome! :flowerforyou:
  • JediMaster_intraining
    JediMaster_intraining Posts: 903 Member
    When I started my journey, my grandma flat out called me anorexic because I wouldn't eat tacos. Now she says I'm more beautiful than before (kinda makes me feel offended lol)! Maybe once they see you are doing this for health reasons as well as personal achievement they will come around. But it's not uncommon for our friends to try and make you feel guilty for not eating this or not wanting a soda. :flowerforyou: I mean after all, if that's what you used to do with them they miss it or just are jealous of how much hotter you'll look compared to them!
  • ashhend
    ashhend Posts: 3
    First I think you look great and congrats on such great progress! I have 48lbs to go...hoping to have off by April.

    I too have had similar reactions. My friends would taunt me with my favorite foods, try to discourage me with the plateau theory and tell me my fave is thinning too much. Some even started to act funny towards me because I would suggest activities that did not involve eating and drinking (what we always seemed to do). Eventually I lost some friends, but I look at it like a snake shedding skin....gotta get rid of the old stuff you don't need anymore because its deadweight lol. Shedding it makes you so much more vibrant and will give you a stronger commitment with negativity removed from your life. I have been really lucky because as a teen my mom went from a size 26 to to about a 9 after being diagnosed with diabetes. She serves as such a good example of determination and committment. She also gives me a lot of perspective on the different issues I will face along the way. Lucky to have her. If anyone ever wants to talk about things like this...Inbox me!!!
  • Enginette
    Enginette Posts: 123 Member
    Jealousy is part of it. Guilt is another. You are making choices that maybe they themselves WANT to make but haven't. Seeing your success makes them feel guilty. Also, if you have been carrying that 40 pounds for very long, then that is all they know of you. That is their normal. A thinner you is not normal to those around you. They will get used to it!

    You look great, congrats on your success!

    Agree to the nth degree! This is why we all need to do this for OURSELVES! Not anyone else! Stay focused on your goals and just smile and nod when you hear the negative feedback. You will only be happy when you have achieved YOUR goal...not anyone else's. Please do not let this deter your motivation! Hang in there! You are doing great!
  • nlepine84
    nlepine84 Posts: 145 Member
    I think it's a bit of jealousy - Are the people commenting out of shape or working on losing weight as well? They could be wishing they were as dedicated as you.
    On the other hand, people could just be worried that it's all you are focused on and being obsessed can be unhealthy, but then again your health is a PRETTY important thing to focus on!

    Keep working at it, sounds like you've done amazing so far!
  • gbl4
    gbl4 Posts: 16
    I've experienced this as well! I think it is a reaction of self-reflection of what they would like to be doing themselves and have not yet started or are not doing, and as a result, the negativity portion comes from some guilt/jealousy, but also their perception that you are "judging" them for not exercising like you or eating whatever lifestyle diet you choose - when in fact this is not true. I set goals for myself and attempt to make dietary changes for what I think is best for myself, in return I do get negative feedback that I am "doing too much" or "I thought you don't eat that"... it is a process, so I am making my best attempt!

    We do this for ourselves only and I think as long as you are in a healthy body fat % range and you feel fit and strong, you are not "too thin" - Keep up the good work in your journey! :-)
  • Ephena
    Ephena Posts: 610 Member
    I have experienced this quite a bit lately. I think some of it is a lack of knowledge about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it, some of it is jealousy because I'm succeeding at my goals and various people in my life aren't but refuse to join me and truly try to make the necessary changes to their lifestyles. And some is fear, how does this affect our friendship, how does this affect the dynamics of how people react to us when we hang out together in public, especially in a bar or club setting.

    It was really starting to get to me and mess with my head until I realized my mom's sniping and pushing of food on me was because she felt bad about her eating habits and how she had regained a ton of weight she had lost (in a way not even remotely healthy way). And my best friend's comments about me getting too skinny was fear that our friendship would suffer as I made changes to become and stay healthy while she isn't ready to do that yet.

    My mom will never change, she's too stubborn. I reassured my best friend that I love her like a sister and I am not going away, just my fat is. She laughed and now tries to make sure when she has us over for dinner that what she made is "Niki safe".
  • FaithHopeBELIEVE
    FaithHopeBELIEVE Posts: 626
    Was just told by a good friend I am beginning to look anorexic. Just emailed her photos of what that really looks like! I'm 5'2" and now 131...hardly too thin.

    Oh wow! I'm 5'2" and 114! Our healthy weight range for a small from is 104-110. The nerve of people.
  • Tierra1983
    Tierra1983 Posts: 9
    My experience is misery loves company. I tell the people that have stupid things to say, "well I see myself naked and you DON'T." You're face is not too thin! You look fine! And if you're doctor says you're goal weight is good then you go girl! Don't worry about the "haters." =)

    Tierra
  • rileysowner
    rileysowner Posts: 8,330 Member
    I am astounded how such a large number of people assume this is coming from jealousy or some other less than positive motive. It could be, and likely sometimes is, but they are your friends. I would hope that if you are going to give anyone the benefit of the doubt and assume the best intentions behind their clumsy attempts to be supportive and show their concern over the heath of a person they care for, it would be your friends. I know giving them the benefit of the doubt is much more positive for you than assuming bad intentions.
  • JeSuisPrest
    JeSuisPrest Posts: 2,005 Member
    Was just told by a good friend I am beginning to look anorexic. Just emailed her photos of what that really looks like! I'm 5'2" and now 131...hardly too thin.

    Oh wow! I'm 5'2" and 114! Our healthy weight range for a small from is 104-110. The nerve of people.

    It's all good, what she doesn't realize is that it motivates me to keep going! ;)
  • knittnponder
    knittnponder Posts: 1,953 Member
    I have a friend who recently lost a bunch of weight rather quickly. I admit to thinking he looked too skinny but I figured it was just because my mind hadn't caught up to his weight. I was used to seeing him bigger and needed time to get my brain wrapped around his loss. He is now a healthy weight and his blood pressure is good whereas before it was high. I never said a word to him about it and I'm glad I didn't. Now I've gotten used to his new look and think he looks healthy and really good. I was looking at a picture of him last Christmas compared to how he looks now and he really does look healthy and fit. Last year he was not only overweight but had a pallor to him and looked unwell. Just try to brush off the comments and give them time to adjust to the new you. They'll probably come around once they get used to your new look.
  • MJ7910
    MJ7910 Posts: 1,280 Member
    I have a friend who recently lost a bunch of weight rather quickly. I admit to thinking he looked too skinny but I figured it was just because my mind hadn't caught up to his weight. I was used to seeing him bigger and needed time to get my brain wrapped around his loss. He is now a healthy weight and his blood pressure is good whereas before it was high. I never said a word to him about it and I'm glad I didn't. Now I've gotten used to his new look and think he looks healthy and really good. I was looking at a picture of him last Christmas compared to how he looks now and he really does look healthy and fit. Last year he was not only overweight but had a pallor to him and looked unwell. Just try to brush off the comments and give them time to adjust to the new you. They'll probably come around once they get used to your new look.

    exactly. their mind hasn't caught up to how you look now. they'll get there when they are used to seeing you look different and healthier.
  • shellyc7182
    shellyc7182 Posts: 261 Member
    People don't know what a healthy weight looks like.

    And they probably certainly don't know what YOUR healthy weight looks like. They might be so used to seeing you a certain size, and it's just something they'll have to GET OVER. You keep doing your thing and hopefully your success will motivate them to live healthier!
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