I just broke up with my boyfriend - food.
MommyWilson
Posts: 58
Well, I’m in a bit of a funk today, but I need help so I’m going to be the most real that I’ve ever been.
I’m able to maintain this sunny demeanor most days, but I’m so tired today. I keep having this doctor’s voice replaying in my mind. (Let me give you some back ground information.) I’ve been having this horrible neck/back pain for quite a while, so I scheduled myself an appointment and went in. The doctor went on and on about my morbid obesity category, like I didn’t know. Hello, I see myself every day! As if this conversation wasn’t embarrassing enough, he never even looked at my back. Can you believe that? No prescription for pain medicine, or an x-ray, but he did recommend me for a nutrition and exercise plan along with some physical therapy. What a joke that was!
Well, I cancelled on those because that would just be torture to go into a military gym and have them tell me things that I already know. I’m fat. I know I’m fat. So, on my own, I knocked my calories down to 1000-1200 and I’ve gone walking to the commissary a couple of times (about 3 miles there and back going the long way), rode a recumbent bike for 20 miles at a time, popped in some of the dusty exercise tapes I had, and even attempted to jog at the track. The first week I lost 10 pounds, and this week nothing. And I’ve started getting headaches in addition to the current neck pain. What do I do when the doctors don’t care?
To make matters worse, I’m dealing with all this emotional garbage with my dad. I bought this book that forces you to confront issues. It asks why do you think you over eat? Why do you think you over ate as a child? What are you hungry for now? These questions were blank in my book for days, and when I finally acknowledged them, I cried and had my own questions.
I think I over eat because it’s a bad habit I got in childhood.
I actually can’t remember much at all. What I can remember is wanting to be anywhere other than home… was I subconsciously trying to make myself unattractive to my father? I can remember getting into fights in school and always winning… but no one knew that the reason I always won was because my dad taught me how to take a punch. Teachers would describe me as having a lack of “self control”, or being “mean spirited”; but what if I was just mimicking what I saw at home and trying to get help? I can remember kids saying the cruelest things to me and my handi-capped sister, which only reinforced the things I was being told by my father; things like “You’re ugly. No man but me is ever going to love you.” Aside from my mother, who was forced to constantly work, and my sister Jen, who was enduring a nightmare of her own… Food was my only comfort. I became addicted to the sweetness, to the loving feeling that I got (which I now know was just a chemical reaction). Food didn’t yell, or hit, or name call, or judge me, or expect anything of me. Food was my friend.
Now, I’m hungry for my happiness. I’m hungry for acknowledgement. I’m hungry for encouragement. I’m hungry for being able to walk into a store and not shop in the plus section. I’m hungry for going to a park and second guessing the sturdiness of the bench. I’m hungry for being the parent that I never had. I’m hungry for change.
It’s time. I don’t want my kids to remember me like this or end up like this. This is the only area of my life where I haven’t seen successes, but I hope to. I don’t want to be the before picture anymore.
I’m able to maintain this sunny demeanor most days, but I’m so tired today. I keep having this doctor’s voice replaying in my mind. (Let me give you some back ground information.) I’ve been having this horrible neck/back pain for quite a while, so I scheduled myself an appointment and went in. The doctor went on and on about my morbid obesity category, like I didn’t know. Hello, I see myself every day! As if this conversation wasn’t embarrassing enough, he never even looked at my back. Can you believe that? No prescription for pain medicine, or an x-ray, but he did recommend me for a nutrition and exercise plan along with some physical therapy. What a joke that was!
Well, I cancelled on those because that would just be torture to go into a military gym and have them tell me things that I already know. I’m fat. I know I’m fat. So, on my own, I knocked my calories down to 1000-1200 and I’ve gone walking to the commissary a couple of times (about 3 miles there and back going the long way), rode a recumbent bike for 20 miles at a time, popped in some of the dusty exercise tapes I had, and even attempted to jog at the track. The first week I lost 10 pounds, and this week nothing. And I’ve started getting headaches in addition to the current neck pain. What do I do when the doctors don’t care?
To make matters worse, I’m dealing with all this emotional garbage with my dad. I bought this book that forces you to confront issues. It asks why do you think you over eat? Why do you think you over ate as a child? What are you hungry for now? These questions were blank in my book for days, and when I finally acknowledged them, I cried and had my own questions.
I think I over eat because it’s a bad habit I got in childhood.
I actually can’t remember much at all. What I can remember is wanting to be anywhere other than home… was I subconsciously trying to make myself unattractive to my father? I can remember getting into fights in school and always winning… but no one knew that the reason I always won was because my dad taught me how to take a punch. Teachers would describe me as having a lack of “self control”, or being “mean spirited”; but what if I was just mimicking what I saw at home and trying to get help? I can remember kids saying the cruelest things to me and my handi-capped sister, which only reinforced the things I was being told by my father; things like “You’re ugly. No man but me is ever going to love you.” Aside from my mother, who was forced to constantly work, and my sister Jen, who was enduring a nightmare of her own… Food was my only comfort. I became addicted to the sweetness, to the loving feeling that I got (which I now know was just a chemical reaction). Food didn’t yell, or hit, or name call, or judge me, or expect anything of me. Food was my friend.
Now, I’m hungry for my happiness. I’m hungry for acknowledgement. I’m hungry for encouragement. I’m hungry for being able to walk into a store and not shop in the plus section. I’m hungry for going to a park and second guessing the sturdiness of the bench. I’m hungry for being the parent that I never had. I’m hungry for change.
It’s time. I don’t want my kids to remember me like this or end up like this. This is the only area of my life where I haven’t seen successes, but I hope to. I don’t want to be the before picture anymore.
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Replies
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Well, I’m in a bit of a funk today, but I need help so I’m going to be the most real that I’ve ever been.
I’m able to maintain this sunny demeanor most days, but I’m so tired today. I keep having this doctor’s voice replaying in my mind. (Let me give you some back ground information.) I’ve been having this horrible neck/back pain for quite a while, so I scheduled myself an appointment and went in. The doctor went on and on about my morbid obesity category, like I didn’t know. Hello, I see myself every day! As if this conversation wasn’t embarrassing enough, he never even looked at my back. Can you believe that? No prescription for pain medicine, or an x-ray, but he did recommend me for a nutrition and exercise plan along with some physical therapy. What a joke that was!
Well, I cancelled on those because that would just be torture to go into a military gym and have them tell me things that I already know. I’m fat. I know I’m fat. So, on my own, I knocked my calories down to 1000-1200 and I’ve gone walking to the commissary a couple of times (about 3 miles there and back going the long way), rode a recumbent bike for 20 miles at a time, popped in some of the dusty exercise tapes I had, and even attempted to jog at the track. The first week I lost 10 pounds, and this week nothing. And I’ve started getting headaches in addition to the current neck pain. What do I do when the doctors don’t care?
To make matters worse, I’m dealing with all this emotional garbage with my dad. I bought this book that forces you to confront issues. It asks why do you think you over eat? Why do you think you over ate as a child? What are you hungry for now? These questions were blank in my book for days, and when I finally acknowledged them, I cried and had my own questions.
I think I over eat because it’s a bad habit I got in childhood.
I actually can’t remember much at all. What I can remember is wanting to be anywhere other than home… was I subconsciously trying to make myself unattractive to my father? I can remember getting into fights in school and always winning… but no one knew that the reason I always won was because my dad taught me how to take a punch. Teachers would describe me as having a lack of “self control”, or being “mean spirited”; but what if I was just mimicking what I saw at home and trying to get help? I can remember kids saying the cruelest things to me and my handi-capped sister, which only reinforced the things I was being told by my father; things like “You’re ugly. No man but me is ever going to love you.” Aside from my mother, who was forced to constantly work, and my sister Jen, who was enduring a nightmare of her own… Food was my only comfort. I became addicted to the sweetness, to the loving feeling that I got (which I now know was just a chemical reaction). Food didn’t yell, or hit, or name call, or judge me, or expect anything of me. Food was my friend.
Now, I’m hungry for my happiness. I’m hungry for acknowledgement. I’m hungry for encouragement. I’m hungry for being able to walk into a store and not shop in the plus section. I’m hungry for going to a park and second guessing the sturdiness of the bench. I’m hungry for being the parent that I never had. I’m hungry for change.
It’s time. I don’t want my kids to remember me like this or end up like this. This is the only area of my life where I haven’t seen successes, but I hope to. I don’t want to be the before picture anymore.0 -
Keep up the good work. It is hard to deal with the things that hurt us so deeply. But the fact that you aknowledge them and want different for your family is good. Look to God he can heal everything, especially the broken heart you were left with, thanks to a rough childhood. I will be praying for you and I wish you the very best in life. Good luck on the weight loss and May God bless you and your family.:flowerforyou:0
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Wow!!! It took a lot to come out with all of that information. Does it feel better to get it off your chest? It's amazing how our chldhoods can have such an impact on how and who we are as adults. I had a great childhood but my Mom didn't and she also had overeating and stress eating problems. not to mention awhole array of other mental problems so I am no stranger to dealing first hand witht these issues. I know we don't know eachother but I am a great ear to listen and can usually offer up good advice or at least comfort. Feel free to email me anytime.
As for your doctor...it doesn't sound like he cares much about what the actual problem is and is blowing you off because of your weight. Second opinion maybe? Although the stresses of being overweight can cause pain, it sounds like the severity of your pain is definitely more than just your weight.
It's great that you have cut calories and are working out more but 1000-1200 calories a day is NOT!!!!! enough at all!!!! That is probably what is causing your headaches. For example: I am 5'8 and currently 148 lbs. Before I do any working out at all I should be eating 1330 calories a day to keep myself healthy, on days I work out (5 days a week from 60 - 90 mins.) I need to consume at least 2000 - 2100 calories. It's commonly thought that just cutting your calories will do the trick but that's not true at all. You need to adjust your calories according to how active you are...the more active, more calories, so on and so forth. Otherwise cutting your calories is pointless, you can actually gain weight by not eating enough calories!!
i hope some of what I said has helped and if you have any questions at all i am fairly knowledgeable in health and nutrition and will do my best to help. Your story touched me and I couldn't resist responding.0 -
I too am a military spouse(oddly enough we are also in NM)...so I understand your frustration with the Dr. I am surprised that they didn't give you the standard "vitamin M"! they seem to think that Motrin cures all! Of course I think that half the time they don't take spouses seriously. I have left many a dr's office in tears because I didn't feel that they were able to address my issues. I went thru a time when I had a serious condition but they didn't take me seriously and told me that needed to just go home a lose weight. It turned out that I had a genetic abnormality that need constant monitoring. But I had to insist that they do test after test to find it. Bottom line be your own advocate and ask to see someone else if you feel like your needs aren't being met!
onto your weight loss efforts.....you are doing great! 10 lbs is alot! I don't know what your particulars are but 1000-1200 seems low. I am at 180lbs and my calories are 1460. Is that what MFP recommended??
you sound like you are very motivated and are working out...do you eat any of your exercise calories?
anyways...don't try to tackle it all at once...it'll make you crazy!:flowerforyou:
Just work on you...that is ultimatly the only person you have control of.0 -
See counselling. Take good care of yourself. :flowerforyou:0
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That fact that your acknowledging that you had a crappy past is a step in the right direction. I have some similar issues. As I worked through them I realized that there is nothing I can do to change the past. I will not forget, nor can I really forgive...but I can make my present and future the best is can possibly be!!For my son, I had to let go of the awful things that happened. My weight has a connection to my past. I let go of what happened and now I can focus on my child and my husband and my health....it's a learning process. You can do it. You CAN do it!!!
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I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I absolutely know how overwhelming it can be. First of all, please please please go see a different doctor. I know it can be hard, and potentially expensive, but there are good doctors out there and I think that the first step to learning how to love and take care of yourself is investing in things that help, not hurt. Doctors who ignore and bully you are not in the helpful category.
I don't know if this is helpful to you right now or not (I think there was only a certain time in my life when I could take this advice), but I can say that I think that 3 years ago I was in the same place you are in now, especially in relation to dealing with your memories of your Dad. Three years ago I started going to therapy, and for a while I was skeptical, but now I can look back and see how much it helped. I "graduated" from therapy several months ago, and I am very thankful that I invested in it. It took me a little while to find the right person, but once I did I actually started moving forward instead of staying in the same cycle I'd been living in my whole life. I can't say I've met all my goals, but I have met some, and I feel a freedom to move forward and change that I didn't have before.
Anyway, I'm sure you know what you need, and you just needed a good vent, but that is what I have to offer.
Good Luck.0 -
That was a lot to share, and hope that lightened your load a little. You are going through a lot, so hang in there.
When I read about your Dr, my first thought was you need to get a second opinion. Last summer I went through what I call WRPS (weird random pain and swelleing ) I had to see 7 Drs before I was referred to a specialist. A Dr would look at me and say I was swelling because I was overweight and the heat come back in a week if it was still happening. One would tell me to take advil, the next told me to stop, the 3rd said advil... I think one finally sent me for blood work to shut me up. Through it all I think they just saw the fat girl and didn't look any further, it was easy to blame it on the weight and use that to explain away any slight abnormalities. Dr number 7 actually treated me like a person and finally referred me to a specialist who also thought I was a hypocondriac at first, but eventually the blood work told her there really was something wrong. It doesn't help that the diagnosis was a rare autoimmune disorder. The point is you know your body and you know when something is not right. Don't let them brush you off!
As RockChic said your headaches may be due to not eating enough. I know most reccomend you don't go below 1200 calories unless you are being monitored by a Dr. I am at 269lbs and the site set my calories at 1460 to lose 2lbs a week before adding excercise calories. I have been steadily losing since I started focusing on it at the end of January.
I wish you all the best in your journey!
:flowerforyou:0 -
Best way to sum up military doctors are douche bags seriously- They suck- I refused to go see them anymore so I pay for my own insurance through my job and use my husbands as secondary insurance. I hate military doctors hell they aren't even that most of the time they are just physician assistants.
Sorry your in a funk but atleast you know what your reasons are now so you can move forward.
Best of luck0 -
I thought what you wrote was extremely honest and I am sure it was difficult. I commend you for having the courage to tackle this battle. I have a love/hate relationship with food and I still have gotten down to the reason for my crazy food/diet/exercise cycles. So you are totally on the right track by facing the battle full force.
I want to tell you that I think you are beautiful. Words wound the spirit so much more than people realize. It makes me sad that you were told that you were told those horrible things as a child. They obviously scarred you. None of those things were/are true. I know you will never forget them, but at least now you know that they are completely untrue.
It sounds like you are on your way to a new you. Eat less/move more...it works! Good luck!0
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