Why can't my family understand?
1Corinthians13
Posts: 5,296 Member
My mother is telling me that I am "scary" thin. "Looking way too thin and fragile." She says she's not the only one concerned.
Here are my stats:
I'm 5'2". My weight bounces around between 110-115, depending on the day. But it usually stays in the middle. I run. My carb/protein/fat ratio is 45/30/25. As a runner, I need more carbs, not so much fat. I try not to eat too many processed foods. I eat a lot of veggies and fruit. I get my calcium and fiber and everything else. That is why I'm on this site - to learn to eat correctly, to eat the foods that will fuel my body to run and keep me healthy in the long run.
My weight is not too low for someone of my height and frame. My mom says I'm too thin, but my sister is only about 3 pounds heavier than me. The thing is that our weight is distributed differently.
My mom is getting very concerned, and I am getting really annoyed. Why can't she get it? No one in my family is overweight, not my immediate family anyway, and yet she gives me a hard time for being healthy. What do I say to her? How should I handle this?
Any suggestions?
Here are my stats:
I'm 5'2". My weight bounces around between 110-115, depending on the day. But it usually stays in the middle. I run. My carb/protein/fat ratio is 45/30/25. As a runner, I need more carbs, not so much fat. I try not to eat too many processed foods. I eat a lot of veggies and fruit. I get my calcium and fiber and everything else. That is why I'm on this site - to learn to eat correctly, to eat the foods that will fuel my body to run and keep me healthy in the long run.
My weight is not too low for someone of my height and frame. My mom says I'm too thin, but my sister is only about 3 pounds heavier than me. The thing is that our weight is distributed differently.
My mom is getting very concerned, and I am getting really annoyed. Why can't she get it? No one in my family is overweight, not my immediate family anyway, and yet she gives me a hard time for being healthy. What do I say to her? How should I handle this?
Any suggestions?
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Replies
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My mother is telling me that I am "scary" thin. "Looking way too thin and fragile." She says she's not the only one concerned.
Here are my stats:
I'm 5'2". My weight bounces around between 110-115, depending on the day. But it usually stays in the middle. I run. My carb/protein/fat ratio is 45/30/25. As a runner, I need more carbs, not so much fat. I try not to eat too many processed foods. I eat a lot of veggies and fruit. I get my calcium and fiber and everything else. That is why I'm on this site - to learn to eat correctly, to eat the foods that will fuel my body to run and keep me healthy in the long run.
My weight is not too low for someone of my height and frame. My mom says I'm too thin, but my sister is only about 3 pounds heavier than me. The thing is that our weight is distributed differently.
My mom is getting very concerned, and I am getting really annoyed. Why can't she get it? No one in my family is overweight, not my immediate family anyway, and yet she gives me a hard time for being healthy. What do I say to her? How should I handle this?
Any suggestions?0 -
Sorry for what your going through....she seems understanding and it seems you can communicate with her perhaps bring some materials that explain body fat BMI and a healthy lifestyle to her and explain that you are within your correct weight and doing the right thing:flowerforyou: a lot of time family just needs to see "evidence" ..0
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I can relate except in a different way.Everytime I lose weight there is always someone in my family that is smaller or better than I am.My mom and my sister are bad for this.They both are heavier than I am now and it used to be that I was heavier than both of them.But no matter how much weight I have lost the are a pound lighter than me everytime.I just gave up tell them how much I weigh.I am proud of me and the success I am producing in my body.Just keep doing what your doing.Sometimes family just doesn't understand where your coming from.:flowerforyou:0
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Do what I do with my parents. I tell them to quit bugging me or I'll just stop visiting. That I would rather stay home than come over and be pestered.
Or you could schedule a doctors appointment for a basic check up and have her go with you and ask the doctor what he thinks of your weight.0 -
Print out your daily food intake with the breakdowns of carb/protein/fats and your exercise with that. That should show her that you are getting all the nutrition you need. Then tell her to get the same thing from your sister. I bet you probably eat more in a day than she does but because of the types of food you eat and the exercise you do you are smaller.
My mom doesn't say anything but I have a sister that at one point we were the same weight but I exercise and eat healthier so I looked smaller/thinner. I tried to tell her starving herself all day and then eating a huge meal was not working for her. But what do I know?
I hope you can get them to see but sometimes reasoning with family is hard.0 -
Maybe you should go see your doctor and voice their concerns. When doc congratulates you on being fit and healthy just pass that news along. Then they can argue with your doctor about what is healthy and what isn't.0
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You may just have to face the facts...you are an adult and cannot please everyone all the time, other's opinions are too fickle and trying to please others is a recipe for unhappiness and poor self esteem...and it doesn't have to be that way.:noway:
Here are a few tips that have worked for me...
1. I just listen and say "I hear you" - I neither agree or disagree. No arguements!
2. I made my opinion of myself MY opinion - not the skewed perceptions of my family
3. I don't compare myself with anyone, not my sister or my super fit best friend
4. Usually people project their feelings - when this happened for me, I realized that I was bringing up the idea of weight isssues in others...
5. When I changed, it made others uncomfortable - I was out of my comfort zone and they wanted me back to where I was, a person that THEY felt comfortable with...but its my health and body
I hope this helps!0 -
All really great suggestions - thanks to everyone for your fast responses!
I have a doctor's appt. lined up for Monday, so I think I'll mention while I'm there my mother's concerns.
And printing out my exercise/food log is also a good idea. I think I'll do that before I go to my mom's this weekend.
And if that doesn't work, the rest of you are right - I just have to tell my mom that I hear her and appreciate her concern but that this is my life, I'm healthy, and we'll have to agree to disagree I suppose. It's just frustrating. :frown:0 -
one more suggestion-- tell 'em to stick it-- :bigsmile:
Of course, that could be why I haven't spoken to my dad in five years-- :noway: 0 -
Ahhhh...family! If my sister gains weight, I'm too skinny and she mocks me for being underweight (I'm 5'10'' and 136 lb) If she loses weight, she calls me a pig!! She called me a PIG!
And that's why she and I don't talk that much anymore. I miss my sister, but I'm just fine without her emotional roller coaster comments.0 -
Well, you're a 28 year old woman so talk to your Mom woman to woman. You will ALWAYS be one of her babies but sometimes our parents need to see us as grown-ups! Tell her that you appreciate her concern and that she cares enough to look out for you but that you feel like you are living a healthy lifestyle. After you speak with your Dr., just use that as fuel for the fire that you are indeed a perfectly happy, healthy young woman...0
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Well, you're a 28 year old woman so talk to your Mom woman to woman. You will ALWAYS be one of her babies but sometimes our parents need to see us as grown-ups! Tell her that you appreciate her concern and that she cares enough to look out for you but that you feel like you are living a healthy lifestyle. After you speak with your Dr., just use that as fuel for the fire that you are indeed a perfectly happy, healthy young woman...
In short-- tell her to stick it. :laugh: 0 -
and this is why I like you lolone more suggestion-- tell 'em to stick it-- :bigsmile:
Of course, that could be why I haven't spoken to my dad in five years-- :noway:0 -
Well, you're a 28 year old woman so talk to your Mom woman to woman. You will ALWAYS be one of her babies but sometimes our parents need to see us as grown-ups! Tell her that you appreciate her concern and that she cares enough to look out for you but that you feel like you are living a healthy lifestyle. After you speak with your Dr., just use that as fuel for the fire that you are indeed a perfectly happy, healthy young woman...
In short-- tell her to stick it. :laugh:
You're funny, Marla.
I sent her an email just explaining the ratios and what's healthy for a runner...etc..etc...she didn't write back. So I'm not sure what that means (but I know she's online cuz she wrote back about something else). So...I guess I'll just lay low and hope she doesn't say anything more!0 -
I'm 5'2 also. Everytime I'm at my moms house, she tries to make me eat more. My mom and her boyfriend use those oversized plates and sometimes even have 2nd helpings! And ya wonder why you're gaining ma???
They don't get it. I'm getting thin AND healthy! They say I'm too skinny because my collar bones are showing. Eh.. whatev ma!
I just ignore her. Seems like I don't know what I'm talking about when I try to explain it to them so... I keep it shut.
~Jo :flowerforyou:0 -
You know, I'm sure most of her concern stems from the difficulties you've been going through. I'm sure her real concern is how you are handleing the divorce and all the stuff that goes along with that. It's just easier for her to bring up something she can see - and she probably doesn't want to touch that subject. So maybe, next time she asks just let her know that you are taking care of yourself and you are handling the separation/divorce thing and that you appreciate her concern and love her very much.
My old boss used to complain about his mom always griping about something - if he was eating or something like that. Was the same thing everytime he saw her. One day she was pushing something on him and he had the brilliant idea to just look at her and say "I love you too Mom. Thank you for your concern." Sincerely - not sarcastically, and gave her a big hug. She had tears in her eyes and really backed off on bugging him about what he was eating. Sometimes moms of grown ups don't express love very well. Maybe she is just trying to tell you she loves you and is concerned for you. Just a thought anyway! :flowerforyou:0 -
say I'm too skinny because my collar bones are showing. Eh.. whatev ma!
I just ignore her. Seems like I don't know what I'm talking about when I try to explain it to them so... I keep it shut.
~Jo :flowerforyou:
My mom says the same thing about my collar bone. I LOVE seeing my collar bone that way! haha. Looks like I might have to just keep waving it off and ignoring it. I don't know. This was the first time she said I was "scary thing" though, and it really upset me. I mean, they see me eat! I don't get it! I even ate 2 huge-*kitten* Gerideli brownies she made on my bday that were heavenly...0 -
It would upset me too. Just show her how much you eat and workout. You're her baby girl and she will worry no matter what.say I'm too skinny because my collar bones are showing. Eh.. whatev ma!
I just ignore her. Seems like I don't know what I'm talking about when I try to explain it to them so... I keep it shut.
~Jo :flowerforyou:
My mom says the same thing about my collar bone. I LOVE seeing my collar bone that way! haha. Looks like I might have to just keep waving it off and ignoring it. I don't know. This was the first time she said I was "scary thing" though, and it really upset me. I mean, they see me eat! I don't get it! I even ate 2 huge-*kitten* Gerideli brownies she made on my bday that were heavenly...
Mmmm.. those brownies sound yummy.0 -
My old boss used to complain about his mom always griping about something - if he was eating or something like that. Was the same thing everytime he saw her. One day she was pushing something on him and he had the brilliant idea to just look at her and say "I love you too Mom. Thank you for your concern." Sincerely - not sarcastically, and gave her a big hug. She had tears in her eyes and really backed off on bugging him about what he was eating. Sometimes moms of grown ups don't express love very well. Maybe she is just trying to tell you she loves you and is concerned for you. Just a thought anyway! :flowerforyou:
Awwww that's sweet. See, we nag because we care.0 -
one more suggestion-- tell 'em to stick it-- :bigsmile:
Of course, that could be why I haven't spoken to my dad in five years-- :noway:
ahhhhhhh hahahahaha you sound like me
:laugh: 0 -
BTW I think you look great!:flowerforyou:say I'm too skinny because my collar bones are showing. Eh.. whatev ma!
I just ignore her. Seems like I don't know what I'm talking about when I try to explain it to them so... I keep it shut.
~Jo :flowerforyou:
My mom says the same thing about my collar bone. I LOVE seeing my collar bone that way! haha. Looks like I might have to just keep waving it off and ignoring it. I don't know. This was the first time she said I was "scary thing" though, and it really upset me. I mean, they see me eat! I don't get it! I even ate 2 huge-*kitten* Gerideli brownies she made on my bday that were heavenly...0 -
It's funny. I had a discussion with my daughter about weight. Unfortunately she is going down the path of eating poorly. She is a 16 year old girl and although we only have healthy food in the house, she buys junk at school or eats a LOT of the healthy stuff (eg a box of Mary's Oragnic crackers in one sitting as opposed to a serving)
My mother used to always comment on my weight and tell me I needed to lose weight. She was right but I hated hearing it. Mothers have a way of getting under our skin.
The one thing I realized though was that although my Mom complained about my weight, she never told me how to change it. I was large when I was 13 or 14 but I never had the tools to lose it.
I have been trying to teach my daughter the right way by example. I know nagging won't help0 -
It's funny. I had a discussion with my daughter about weight. Unfortunately she is going down the path of eating poorly. She is a 16 year old girl and although we only have healthy food in the house, she buys junk at school or eats a LOT of the healthy stuff (eg a box of Mary's Oragnic crackers in one sitting as opposed to a serving)
My mother used to always comment on my weight and tell me I needed to lose weight. She was right but I hated hearing it. Mothers have a way of getting under our skin.
The one thing I realized though was that although my Mom complained about my weight, she never told me how to change it. I was large when I was 13 or 14 but I never had the tools to lose it.
I have been trying to teach my daughter the right way by example. I know nagging won't help
That's a tough spot! I think the older generation didn't get communication as well as we do - and even I don't always "get" it! My daughter is getting quite heavy - and I've been a little stumped! She's only 13. Plus I have this neighbor (she doesn't get to see/talk to anymore!) who tells her things like you can never have a cheeseburger again . . . Go on this diet with me . . . Fat women have such a hard time . . . You can't eat pizza or chips or anything - only veges - no salad dressing. I got so fed up with her that I told her off and told the kids do not talk to her anymore. I've been trying to tell her the better way. You do need to eat veges and healthier things - yes pizza on occasion is o.k. - 1 or 2 slices not 5 or 6! And a cheeseburger won't kill you - but you don't need 2 double cheeseburgers from McDonalds either! At least she is getting correct information, hopefully it will stick if I repeat it enough!! Oh and the move your body more thing too, turn off the tv and go for a bike ride! :drinker:
I Cor - just so you know I think you look fabulous and are doing great!! Parents just don't understand sometimes! :flowerforyou:0 -
You know, I'm sure most of her concern stems from the difficulties you've been going through. I'm sure her real concern is how you are handleing the divorce and all the stuff that goes along with that. It's just easier for her to bring up something she can see - and she probably doesn't want to touch that subject. So maybe, next time she asks just let her know that you are taking care of yourself and you are handling the separation/divorce thing and that you appreciate her concern and love her very much.
My old boss used to complain about his mom always griping about something - if he was eating or something like that. Was the same thing everytime he saw her. One day she was pushing something on him and he had the brilliant idea to just look at her and say "I love you too Mom. Thank you for your concern." Sincerely - not sarcastically, and gave her a big hug. She had tears in her eyes and really backed off on bugging him about what he was eating. Sometimes moms of grown ups don't express love very well. Maybe she is just trying to tell you she loves you and is concerned for you. Just a thought anyway! :flowerforyou:
I was just going to say the same thing about her being concerned over what you are going through. She just cares that's all. Sometimes it is hard for mothers to let go of the control they have over us (That's why I live 2 1/2 hours away from mine). Feel happy she cares, some day she won't be around to push at you and you will miss that.0 -
You know, I'm sure most of her concern stems from the difficulties you've been going through. I'm sure her real concern is how you are handleing the divorce and all the stuff that goes along with that. It's just easier for her to bring up something she can see - and she probably doesn't want to touch that subject. So maybe, next time she asks just let her know that you are taking care of yourself and you are handling the separation/divorce thing and that you appreciate her concern and love her very much.
My old boss used to complain about his mom always griping about something - if he was eating or something like that. Was the same thing everytime he saw her. One day she was pushing something on him and he had the brilliant idea to just look at her and say "I love you too Mom. Thank you for your concern." Sincerely - not sarcastically, and gave her a big hug. She had tears in her eyes and really backed off on bugging him about what he was eating. Sometimes moms of grown ups don't express love very well. Maybe she is just trying to tell you she loves you and is concerned for you. Just a thought anyway! :flowerforyou:
You're probably right. I did initially lose part of the weight from not eating. That is NOT what's happening now, but it was.
And wow - what a great way that your boss dealt with his mom. Perhaps if I'm in person the next time she says something, I will try that.
I do know that my mom is my momma and just concerned, but it can get annoying. The reason it came up at all was because I was telling her what I was packing for our roadtrip to go to my sister's graduation. My mom said she had food, but I told her I wanted my healthy stuff - not that my mom packs unhealthy stuff, but I prefer low-fat PB over the whole-fat PB which she buys and no sugar jelly to her full sugar jelly and my lo-calorie bread to her full grain tons of calories bread. (I didn't put it that way, when I was talking to her by the way). And she gives me such a hard time when I'm clearly not NOT eating, I'm just eating very healthily and watching everything that goes into my mouth.0 -
You know, I'm sure most of her concern stems from the difficulties you've been going through. I'm sure her real concern is how you are handleing the divorce and all the stuff that goes along with that. It's just easier for her to bring up something she can see - and she probably doesn't want to touch that subject. So maybe, next time she asks just let her know that you are taking care of yourself and you are handling the separation/divorce thing and that you appreciate her concern and love her very much.
My old boss used to complain about his mom always griping about something - if he was eating or something like that. Was the same thing everytime he saw her. One day she was pushing something on him and he had the brilliant idea to just look at her and say "I love you too Mom. Thank you for your concern." Sincerely - not sarcastically, and gave her a big hug. She had tears in her eyes and really backed off on bugging him about what he was eating. Sometimes moms of grown ups don't express love very well. Maybe she is just trying to tell you she loves you and is concerned for you. Just a thought anyway! :flowerforyou:
I was just going to say the same thing about her being concerned over what you are going through. She just cares that's all. Sometimes it is hard for mothers to let go of the control they have over us (That's why I live 2 1/2 hours away from mine). Feel happy she cares, some day she won't be around to push at you and you will miss that.
I used to live 6 hours away. That was too far. Now I'm an hour away. Too close. 2.5 sounds just right... haha0 -
*whispers* But when all else fails, go with the "stick it." :devil: :bigsmile:0
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*whispers* But when all else fails, go with the "stick it." :devil: :bigsmile:
gifted, marla, gifted. thanks for my daily chuckles!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
You know, I'm sure most of her concern stems from the difficulties you've been going through. I'm sure her real concern is how you are handleing the divorce and all the stuff that goes along with that. It's just easier for her to bring up something she can see - and she probably doesn't want to touch that subject. So maybe, next time she asks just let her know that you are taking care of yourself and you are handling the separation/divorce thing and that you appreciate her concern and love her very much.
My old boss used to complain about his mom always griping about something - if he was eating or something like that. Was the same thing everytime he saw her. One day she was pushing something on him and he had the brilliant idea to just look at her and say "I love you too Mom. Thank you for your concern." Sincerely - not sarcastically, and gave her a big hug. She had tears in her eyes and really backed off on bugging him about what he was eating. Sometimes moms of grown ups don't express love very well. Maybe she is just trying to tell you she loves you and is concerned for you. Just a thought anyway! :flowerforyou:
You're probably right. I did initially lose part of the weight from not eating. That is NOT what's happening now, but it was.
And wow - what a great way that your boss dealt with his mom. Perhaps if I'm in person the next time she says something, I will try that.
I do know that my mom is my momma and just concerned, but it can get annoying. The reason it came up at all was because I was telling her what I was packing for our roadtrip to go to my sister's graduation. My mom said she had food, but I told her I wanted my healthy stuff - not that my mom packs unhealthy stuff, but I prefer low-fat PB over the whole-fat PB which she buys and no sugar jelly to her full sugar jelly and my lo-calorie bread to her full grain tons of calories bread. (I didn't put it that way, when I was talking to her by the way). And she gives me such a hard time when I'm clearly not NOT eating, I'm just eating very healthily and watching everything that goes into my mouth.
Well, if it helps we understand what you are doing
Maybe she'll come around! If not you can always follow Marla's advice :bigsmile: 0 -
Hi there
I'm new to the board (as of today!) and was perusing the other posts and stumbled across yours. Your nickname caught my eye - this verse was my mantra when my husband was deployed to Iraq for 14 months.
In reading your post, it occurred to me that maybe you should remind your family of exactly what the verse says! In part, as you know, it says..."Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts..." Maybe they need to remember that they love you, so they need to trust that what you're doing is not only keeping you healthy, but makes you happy, and that they should rejoice in that truth. Sometimes our family members can be our own worst critics (other than ourselves at times!) and sometimes they need not-so-gentle reminders that ultimately it's your life and you're doing what you know is best for you. I think if you backed it up with lab work or something from your doctor, it might be the hammer that would hit the nail on the head, so to speak, and drive your point home - that you're just FINE! Congrats on all you've accomplished, on your strength and perseverance, and staying the course through the tough times! :bigsmile:0
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