Step Children
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Tracy9377
Posts: 73 Member
When I married my husband, I inherited his 2 kids. I have bent over backward for almost 3 years now to try to create a happy, healthy, nurturing home, and foster a friendship with them. I am well aware that their Mom does things differently than their Dad and I, but that's ok. I'm at my whits' end now. I'm sick of going out of my way to create meals for them so that they can tell me what a great cook their Mom is, and how "disgusting" my cookiong is. I've recently made it a "no dessert" offense for them to be rude and insulting that way. "No thankyou" is just as effective. As for their Mom, in my opinion, Kraft Mac and Cheese is not a delicacy, flour tortillas with sour cream is not a meal, and microwaving frozen waffles doesn't make you a chef. I try to just agree with them, "Yes, I'm sure your Mom is a very good cook", and "We do things different than your Mom does because it's different - not wrong." Then there's the lying, tattling, tantrums, and back-talking. I have never laid a hand on them, nor will I ever, but I can see how some people get to that point.
I've told them that I'm glad they have their Mom, and if she ever wants to start being polite and kind, then I would like that, and we could be nice. I've acknowledged their Mom's positive attributes. I told them numerous times that I'm a friend, and that I don't take the place of their Mom.
They don't know why she hates me, and neither do I. ,.... anyhow, is there anyone who has been through this maching called "blending a family" and come out the other end in one piece. Before we got married, people told me it would be difficult, and I believed them ... I know what "difficult" is. Getting through rush hour traffic is difficult. Seven mile hikes are difficult. P90X is difficult. This makes "difficult" look like a walk in the park. They shouldn't have told me that it would be "difficult". That's vague. They should have said, "It's like drilling screws through your toes while pulling your hair out and listening to nails on a chalkboard and sitting in boiling menudo. That would have been much more accurate.
I feel a little goofy writing this. It's like I'm whining and moaning, and expecting others to come and validate me. How pathetic. Hmmm .. maybe that is what I'm doing. (Busted) Either way, if you're going through what I'm going through, and you feel like you're permanently stuck on a Merry-go-round propelled by a jet engine, then you're not alone. ...and if you've been on this ride, riden it, and arrived at your destination on the other side, please let me know. I'd love to hear some success stories, as long as they don't end with you checking into a hotel with padded walls.
I've told them that I'm glad they have their Mom, and if she ever wants to start being polite and kind, then I would like that, and we could be nice. I've acknowledged their Mom's positive attributes. I told them numerous times that I'm a friend, and that I don't take the place of their Mom.
They don't know why she hates me, and neither do I. ,.... anyhow, is there anyone who has been through this maching called "blending a family" and come out the other end in one piece. Before we got married, people told me it would be difficult, and I believed them ... I know what "difficult" is. Getting through rush hour traffic is difficult. Seven mile hikes are difficult. P90X is difficult. This makes "difficult" look like a walk in the park. They shouldn't have told me that it would be "difficult". That's vague. They should have said, "It's like drilling screws through your toes while pulling your hair out and listening to nails on a chalkboard and sitting in boiling menudo. That would have been much more accurate.
I feel a little goofy writing this. It's like I'm whining and moaning, and expecting others to come and validate me. How pathetic. Hmmm .. maybe that is what I'm doing. (Busted) Either way, if you're going through what I'm going through, and you feel like you're permanently stuck on a Merry-go-round propelled by a jet engine, then you're not alone. ...and if you've been on this ride, riden it, and arrived at your destination on the other side, please let me know. I'd love to hear some success stories, as long as they don't end with you checking into a hotel with padded walls.
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Replies
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Oh I hear ya!! I am dating a man with two such children. Notice I said dating, not living with and not married to! The sad thing is that if we ever get married we will never have our "own" family.
Their mother will always be around and part of their and our lives.
I don't know about you but I don't like coming in last!
Friend me...we can talk!!0 -
I'm sorry with how your stepkids are treating you.
My question is where is your husband during all of their lying tantrums? Does he allow them to talk to you this way? Any discipline (not physical--things like no phone or computer)? Does he an open line of communication with his ex?0 -
Who do they primarily live with mom or you and dad? And if they don't live with you how often are they at your house?0
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I'm sorry with how your stepkids are treating you.
My question is where is your husband during all of their lying tantrums? Does he allow them to talk to you this way? Any discipline (not physical--things like no phone or computer)? Does he an open line of communication with his ex?
I agree wholeheartedly. Your husband should be stepping up and enforcing some respect for you. The children sound like they need to be disciplined.0 -
Who do they primarily live with mom or you and dad? And if they don't live with you how often are they at your house?
We have equal parenting time: one week on, one week off.0 -
I'm sorry with how your stepkids are treating you.
My question is where is your husband during all of their lying tantrums? Does he allow them to talk to you this way? Any discipline (not physical--things like no phone or computer)? Does he an open line of communication with his ex?
I agree wholeheartedly. Your husband should be stepping up and enforcing some respect for you. The children sound like they need to be disciplined.
He's usually right there with me. They do need discipline. It seems like we spend more time enforcing punishments than anything else. We tried charging them money for misbehaving, we tried taking priveleges (that worked out to be arbitrary at best), we tried the reverse ("reward system"), we had them in counseling, we tried to communicate with their Mom (that was a disaster), we tried a token system, and a few other creative idear. He has been awesome at being supportive - even of my "creative" ideas for fixing the problem. Even when he disagrees with me, he doesn't do it in front of the kids. If it weren't for how supportive he is, I'm sure this relationship wouldn't have lasted this long. I know a lot of "second-wives" have it much worse than I do. Maybe I need to just take my lumps and be thankful for what I do have. My grandmother used to say, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself - you're building character." Maybe she was right.0 -
No, you don't sound like you're whining! Parenting is hard work all by itself without doing it to someone else's kids. I have an 8-year-old stepdaughter and while our relationship is not as difficult as yours, it IS trying at times. We have a horrible relationship with her mother and the entire reason she lives with us is because his daughter was in a abusive/neglectful home. I'm thrilled his daughter is in love with me and loves my cooking, etc, but it does get trying the few times her mother has her it's McDonald's and toys every single time. The kid doesn't understand her mom is 6 months behind in child support and so every cent of our money is going towards caring for her (she literally came to us with the clothes on her back, so we had to furnish an entire kids room, etc. immediately) so she's not going to think we're the better parents because we're putting nice clothes on her, buying educational materials for her, and buying her healthy food and vitamins. Such is life, and I'm so sorry your situation is so hard to deal with. It's difficult to parent a child that isn't biologically yours, especially when some of the "adults" involved won't act as such.0
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No, you don't sound like you're whining! Parenting is hard work all by itself without doing it to someone else's kids. I have an 8-year-old stepdaughter and while our relationship is not as difficult as yours, it IS trying at times. We have a horrible relationship with her mother and the entire reason she lives with us is because his daughter was in a abusive/neglectful home. I'm thrilled his daughter is in love with me and loves my cooking, etc, but it does get trying the few times her mother has her it's McDonald's and toys every single time. The kid doesn't understand her mom is 6 months behind in child support and so every cent of our money is going towards caring for her (she literally came to us with the clothes on her back, so we had to furnish an entire kids room, etc. immediately) so she's not going to think we're the better parents because we're putting nice clothes on her, buying educational materials for her, and buying her healthy food and vitamins. Such is life, and I'm so sorry your situation is so hard to deal with. It's difficult to parent a child that isn't biologically yours, especially when some of the "adults" involved won't act as such.
Thanks - wow -- it sounds like your situation is more difficult than mine - just in a different way. I have gained a new respect for step-parents.0 -
Who do they primarily live with mom or you and dad? And if they don't live with you how often are they at your house?
We have equal parenting time: one week on, one week off.
That's a tough schedule. Very hard on the kids when they jump back and forth like that.0 -
I haven't been through this but i wanted to comment on it. I think the mom has a lot to do with their behavior. It makes me sick that even as a "mother" people can't just grow up and act like an adult. I think once the kids grow up they will see how you are a better person and feel bad for how they treated you. I say stay strong, don't give in to the mother BS, and it will surely pay off in the end. Kids will always take their parents side... that is until they are old enough to know how to act like an adult and know right from wrong. Be patient. You can do this! It will be worth it. and keep acting like you respect their mom....even if you don't.
GOOD LUCK!
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I'm sorry with how your stepkids are treating you.
My question is where is your husband during all of their lying tantrums? Does he allow them to talk to you this way? Any discipline (not physical--things like no phone or computer)? Does he an open line of communication with his ex?
I agree wholeheartedly. Your husband should be stepping up and enforcing some respect for you. The children sound like they need to be disciplined.
He's usually right there with me. They do need discipline. It seems like we spend more time enforcing punishments than anything else. We tried charging them money for misbehaving, we tried taking priveleges (that worked out to be arbitrary at best), we tried the reverse ("reward system"), we had them in counseling, we tried to communicate with their Mom (that was a disaster), we tried a token system, and a few other creative idear. He has been awesome at being supportive - even of my "creative" ideas for fixing the problem. Even when he disagrees with me, he doesn't do it in front of the kids. If it weren't for how supportive he is, I'm sure this relationship wouldn't have lasted this long. I know a lot of "second-wives" have it much worse than I do. Maybe I need to just take my lumps and be thankful for what I do have. My grandmother used to say, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself - you're building character." Maybe she was right.
I'm really sorry. I reread my post and I feel like it sounded unkind. I'm sorry that you and dad can't communicate with mom-she may not even know what is going on with the children's behavior because of the lack of communication. I have 5 children. My 3 littlest (girls ages 10,9, and 7) go to their father's house every other weekend. Their stepmom and I have definitely had our ups and downs. It's been a little over 4 years since she came into the picture and very recently we started communicating effectively. She has recently told me a bit about how my girls were behaving towards her for a while when they came over-it was so bad at one point that she was completely convinced that I was "training" them to hate her. Apparently they were very disrespectful-I didn't even know it, because their father won't communicate at all, and stepmom and I couldn't communicate for a long time without arguing. It was a difficult situation.
I got married a year and a half ago and my girls started displaying the same, disrespectful behavior with my husband. I made sure that they know that he works hard to support our family, is the man of our home, and he will be respected-it took a while though. One thing that my children expressed to their stepmom verbally was that they felt if she hadn't come into the picture their father and I would still be together. This is odd because he and I were done well before she came into the picture...perhaps you and dad can sit down with the kids and just ask them how they feel. They could have some sort of fantasy that mom and dad might have gotten back together someday, and getting it all out, including any misperceptions they may have about you, could help. It seems to have helped with my girls and their stepmom. Also, they seemed to feel like if they loved their stepmom or stepdad, they were betraying mom or dad. I make sure to tell them often that their heart is very big and has room for all of us, they shouldn't feel like they are hurting me or dad by loving other people too-that they are very special and God gave them lots of people in their lives to love them. It does take a while for things to settle down, it's a big change to have a blended family, and it's definitely not an easy one. I do hope things get better for you and the whole family. Good on ya, too, for stepping up and trying to be the best stepmother you can be for your husband's children.0 -
I'm sorry with how your stepkids are treating you.
My question is where is your husband during all of their lying tantrums? Does he allow them to talk to you this way? Any discipline (not physical--things like no phone or computer)? Does he an open line of communication with his ex?
I agree wholeheartedly. Your husband should be stepping up and enforcing some respect for you. The children sound like they need to be disciplined.
He's usually right there with me. They do need discipline. It seems like we spend more time enforcing punishments than anything else. We tried charging them money for misbehaving, we tried taking priveleges (that worked out to be arbitrary at best), we tried the reverse ("reward system"), we had them in counseling, we tried to communicate with their Mom (that was a disaster), we tried a token system, and a few other creative idear. He has been awesome at being supportive - even of my "creative" ideas for fixing the problem. Even when he disagrees with me, he doesn't do it in front of the kids. If it weren't for how supportive he is, I'm sure this relationship wouldn't have lasted this long. I know a lot of "second-wives" have it much worse than I do. Maybe I need to just take my lumps and be thankful for what I do have. My grandmother used to say, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself - you're building character." Maybe she was right.
I'm really sorry. I reread my post and I feel like it sounded unkind. I'm sorry that you and dad can't communicate with mom-she may not even know what is going on with the children's behavior because of the lack of communication. I have 5 children. My 3 littlest (girls ages 10,9, and 7) go to their father's house every other weekend. Their stepmom and I have definitely had our ups and downs. It's been a little over 4 years since she came into the picture and very recently we started communicating effectively. She has recently told me a bit about how my girls were behaving towards her for a while when they came over-it was so bad at one point that she was completely convinced that I was "training" them to hate her. Apparently they were very disrespectful-I didn't even know it, because their father won't communicate at all, and stepmom and I couldn't communicate for a long time without arguing. It was a difficult situation.
I got married a year and a half ago and my girls started displaying the same, disrespectful behavior with my husband. I made sure that they know that he works hard to support our family, is the man of our home, and he will be respected-it took a while though. One thing that my children expressed to their stepmom verbally was that they felt if she hadn't come into the picture their father and I would still be together. This is odd because he and I were done well before she came into the picture...perhaps you and dad can sit down with the kids and just ask them how they feel. They could have some sort of fantasy that mom and dad might have gotten back together someday, and getting it all out, including any misperceptions they may have about you, could help. It seems to have helped with my girls and their stepmom. Also, they seemed to feel like if they loved their stepmom or stepdad, they were betraying mom or dad. I make sure to tell them often that their heart is very big and has room for all of us, they shouldn't feel like they are hurting me or dad by loving other people too-that they are very special and God gave them lots of people in their lives to love them. It does take a while for things to settle down, it's a big change to have a blended family, and it's definitely not an easy one. I do hope things get better for you and the whole family. Good on ya, too, for stepping up and trying to be the best stepmother you can be for your husband's children.
After reading this...... WOW! This is such a good point of view!0 -
Wow...Thats a tough one to be in, I am very sorry that you are being treated this way. My son has a stepmother who is really nice to him, and I ALWAYS talk to him about being nice and respectful to her, to always say thank you and please, help around the house, ect.0
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When I remarried I had a son from my first marriage. There were plenty of times when I was caught in the middle between my son and my husband. I've had to talk my husband down off the ledge and get him to let me handle the discipline and I've had to get after my son to be respectful.
In the early years I was always upset because there have never been any rules or bedtimes at my ex's house. It's a fly by the seat of your pants kind of place. Our son has reflux issues and they don't make any kind of effort to provide food that won't hurt him later. That irritates me to no end.
It used to bother me that we were the "strict" house and he could do whatever he wanted when he was there. I was always afraid that one day he would say he wanted to live there instead. He just turned 12 and I know he's not going any where. He has told me on more than one occasion that he likes the consistency around here. It's comforting. He knows that my husband and I will always be there for him, as will his father.
I'm sure it's difficult for you. I don't know how long you've been in this situation. It does seem to get easier as time goes on.0 -
hey there... I myself also have a blended family.. but we made it work. your husband really needs to step in and get his children
in check. He also needs to speak to their mother about the negativity that she's passing down to their children
I feel for you because when family life isnt right it seem like everything you try to attempt will be extremely hard..but you will do just fine..
Please speak to your husband regarding your feeling..:flowerforyou:
And she probably hates you because she feels like your living the life that she was suppose to live...0 -
My mother has been married four times. I won't even get into the men she chooses to be with... But anyways... It pisses me off. I mean... You want to be with the father right? You don't want to be with the kids. That was just part of the package. Quite frankly when I was younger I looked at my mothers mates as *kitten* who don't give a **** about me. I felt like I was just dragged into having to play nice and try and appease my mom. Like I had no control in my life. I felt like I was expected to like and accept whoever she wanted to be with... And then all of a sudden HE'S THE BAD GUY!
Okay now that I have maybe shared how they may be feeling... And please don't take this offensively... There are only two people they will EVER really have that relationship with in their life. Their mom and Their dad. I mean... He's already been divorced once right? Who knows what will happen in the future... Maybe you will both grow old together and live happy romance filled lives... But I know in my case I wanted to protect myself from feeling abondoned again. From feeling like every little comment "tortillas and sour cream Is NOT a meal" was spitefully taken out to make me choose. "I've mAde it clear when she starts being nice" I mean whether you have these feelings about her whether she's a total ***** to your husband it doesn't matter! That is their mom you're talking about! I have a LOT of resentment towards my mother for the abusive situations she put me in, but you better believe I'm not going to let someone make comments like that about her!
Again, this is my experience and my thoughts. If it's that bad go to counciling... But make them know that you love them and that you aren't just tolerating them because you're with their father. And any comments they make about you is only because they feel like you're trying to take the place of someone they love unconditionally intentionally or not. Refrain from EVER saying anything bad about their mother because it's only going to cause you more resentment.
And lastly, be happy with the commitment you made to your husband and with whatever makes you happy in life.
P.S. Sorry if I offended or didn't hit the nail on the head. These are just my thoughts.
Edit: all these comments like"discipline your kids and get them in check" disgust me. Whether they are children or not they are PEOPLE just like you with FEELINGS and disregarding that as them just being brats is wrong. They ARE going to grow up and they ARE going to resent you for it. Work WITH them nit against them in the new life YOU chose for them.0 -
This was very well expressed, from the other point of view(the one in the middle).My mother has been married four times. I won't even get into the men she chooses to be with... But anyways... It pisses me off. I mean... You want to be with the father right? You don't want to be with the kids. That was just part of the package. Quite frankly when I was younger I looked at my mothers mates as *kitten* who don't give a **** about me. I felt like I was just dragged into having to play nice and try and appease my mom. Like I had no control in my life. I felt like I was expected to like and accept whoever she wanted to be with... And then all of a sudden HE'S THE BAD GUY!
Okay now that I have maybe shared how they may be feeling... And please don't take this offensively... There are only two people they will EVER really have that relationship with in their life. Their mom and Their dad. I mean... He's already been divorced once right? Who knows what will happen in the future... Maybe you will both grow old together and live happy romance filled lives... But I know in my case I wanted to protect myself from feeling abondoned again. From feeling like every little comment "tortillas and sour cream Is NOT a meal" was spitefully taken out to make me choose. "I've mAde it clear when she starts being nice" I mean whether you have these feelings about her whether she's a total ***** to your husband it doesn't matter! That is their mom you're talking about! I have a LOT of resentment towards my mother for the abusive situations she put me in, but you better believe I'm not going to let someone make comments like that about her!
Again, this is my experience and my thoughts. If it's that bad go to counciling... But make them know that you love them and that you aren't just tolerating them because you're with their father. And any comments they make about you is only because they feel like you're trying to take the place of someone they love unconditionally intentionally or not. Refrain from EVER saying anything bad about their mother because it's only going to cause you more resentment.
And lastly, be happy with the commitment you made to your husband and with whatever makes you happy in life.
P.S. Sorry if I offended or didn't hit the nail on the head. These are just my thoughts.
Edit: all these comments like"discipline your kids and get them in check" disgust me. Whether they are children or not they are PEOPLE just like you with FEELINGS and disregarding that as them just being brats is wrong. They ARE going to grow up and they ARE going to resent you for it. Work WITH them nit against them in the new life YOU chose for them.0 -
My mother has been married four times. I won't even get into the men she chooses to be with... But anyways... It pisses me off. I mean... You want to be with the father right? You don't want to be with the kids. That was just part of the package. Quite frankly when I was younger I looked at my mothers mates as *kitten* who don't give a **** about me. I felt like I was just dragged into having to play nice and try and appease my mom. Like I had no control in my life. I felt like I was expected to like and accept whoever she wanted to be with... And then all of a sudden HE'S THE BAD GUY!
Okay now that I have maybe shared how they may be feeling... And please don't take this offensively... There are only two people they will EVER really have that relationship with in their life. Their mom and Their dad. I mean... He's already been divorced once right? Who knows what will happen in the future... Maybe you will both grow old together and live happy romance filled lives... But I know in my case I wanted to protect myself from feeling abondoned again. From feeling like every little comment "tortillas and sour cream Is NOT a meal" was spitefully taken out to make me choose. "I've mAde it clear when she starts being nice" I mean whether you have these feelings about her whether she's a total ***** to your husband it doesn't matter! That is their mom you're talking about! I have a LOT of resentment towards my mother for the abusive situations she put me in, but you better believe I'm not going to let someone make comments like that about her!
Again, this is my experience and my thoughts. If it's that bad go to counciling... But make them know that you love them and that you aren't just tolerating them because you're with their father. And any comments they make about you is only because they feel like you're trying to take the place of someone they love unconditionally intentionally or not. Refrain from EVER saying anything bad about their mother because it's only going to cause you more resentment.
And lastly, be happy with the commitment you made to your husband and with whatever makes you happy in life.
P.S. Sorry if I offended or didn't hit the nail on the head. These are just my thoughts.
Edit: all these comments like"discipline your kids and get them in check" disgust me. Whether they are children or not they are PEOPLE just like you with FEELINGS and disregarding that as them just being brats is wrong. They ARE going to grow up and they ARE going to resent you for it. Work WITH them nit against them in the new life YOU chose for them.
Wow Rainbow, thank so much for sharing. It sounds like you had a very hard life, but you obviously are a survivor. I wish you the best in your life, not only with your weight loss goal. I am glad to know you made it, in spite of the hell your mom put you through with her poor choices.0 -
Thank you. I have overcome so much but I wish the person I am now could have expressed how I felt then. I wish all of you the best of luck!My mother has been married four times. I won't even get into the men she chooses to be with... But anyways... It pisses me off. I mean... You want to be with the father right? You don't want to be with the kids. That was just part of the package. Quite frankly when I was younger I looked at my mothers mates as *kitten* who don't give a **** about me. I felt like I was just dragged into having to play nice and try and appease my mom. Like I had no control in my life. I felt like I was expected to like and accept whoever she wanted to be with... And then all of a sudden HE'S THE BAD GUY!
Okay now that I have maybe shared how they may be feeling... And please don't take this offensively... There are only two people they will EVER really have that relationship with in their life. Their mom and Their dad. I mean... He's already been divorced once right? Who knows what will happen in the future... Maybe you will both grow old together and live happy romance filled lives... But I know in my case I wanted to protect myself from feeling abondoned again. From feeling like every little comment "tortillas and sour cream Is NOT a meal" was spitefully taken out to make me choose. "I've mAde it clear when she starts being nice" I mean whether you have these feelings about her whether she's a total ***** to your husband it doesn't matter! That is their mom you're talking about! I have a LOT of resentment towards my mother for the abusive situations she put me in, but you better believe I'm not going to let someone make comments like that about her!
Again, this is my experience and my thoughts. If it's that bad go to counciling... But make them know that you love them and that you aren't just tolerating them because you're with their father. And any comments they make about you is only because they feel like you're trying to take the place of someone they love unconditionally intentionally or not. Refrain from EVER saying anything bad about their mother because it's only going to cause you more resentment.
And lastly, be happy with the commitment you made to your husband and with whatever makes you happy in life.
P.S. Sorry if I offended or didn't hit the nail on the head. These are just my thoughts.
Edit: all these comments like"discipline your kids and get them in check" disgust me. Whether they are children or not they are PEOPLE just like you with FEELINGS and disregarding that as them just being brats is wrong. They ARE going to grow up and they ARE going to resent you for it. Work WITH them nit against them in the new life YOU chose for them.
Wow Rainbow, thank so much for sharing. It sounds like you had a very hard life, but you obviously are a survivor. I wish you the best in your life, not only with your weight loss goal. I am glad to know you made it, in spite of the hell your mom put you through with her poor choices.0 -
You obviously had a lot of obstacles growing up. Divorce is never ideal, and it's always two sided. I'm glad to see that you are expressing your feelings. You have so much anger, although I'm sure it's justified.
I had a woman at church who told me that I should stop being angry at my ex (I'm divorced too, but I never had any kids). She failed to realize that the anger is what gave me the strength to survive him and the divorce process. Without it, I would never have had the strength to do it. I am just now getting to the point where I can see him as someone who is hurting and lost, but doesn't know how to get help - so he hurts others. That's a cause for pity, not anger - but the anger was necessary for a time, and it served a purpose. Now, I have to put it away. It's scarry, I feel vulnerable without the anger; but I don't feel happy when I'm angry either.
Thank you for your point of view. I can see why they lash out and do hurtful things, but that doesn't make it ok. It sounds like you had some very horrible step-parents. However; some of us are just trying to do a good job, and show love to children who not only don't reciprocate, but use that love as a weapon. It doesn't sound like that describes your experience. I'm walking a fine line between being understanding, and kind, and becoming a door-mat. It may make them feel better temporarily to have a punching bag, but in the long run, it doesn't really help anyone.
To be honest, your post was offensive, and made me feel defensive, although if I were totally sure of myself, then it wouldn't have. The fact is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing as a step parent. The problem is that no one does. We just do the best we can. I make plenty of mistakes, but I will continue to try to correct them. I wish you had had a better experience with your step-fathers, and should you ever find yourself in my situation, I'm sure you will know exactly what to do. And in the same breath, I hope you never find yourself in my situation.Thank you. I have overcome so much but I wish the person I am now could have expressed how I felt then. I wish all of you the best of luck!My mother has been married four times. I won't even get into the men she chooses to be with... But anyways... It pisses me off. I mean... You want to be with the father right? You don't want to be with the kids. That was just part of the package. Quite frankly when I was younger I looked at my mothers mates as *kitten* who don't give a **** about me. I felt like I was just dragged into having to play nice and try and appease my mom. Like I had no control in my life. I felt like I was expected to like and accept whoever she wanted to be with... And then all of a sudden HE'S THE BAD GUY!
Okay now that I have maybe shared how they may be feeling... And please don't take this offensively... There are only two people they will EVER really have that relationship with in their life. Their mom and Their dad. I mean... He's already been divorced once right? Who knows what will happen in the future... Maybe you will both grow old together and live happy romance filled lives... But I know in my case I wanted to protect myself from feeling abondoned again. From feeling like every little comment "tortillas and sour cream Is NOT a meal" was spitefully taken out to make me choose. "I've mAde it clear when she starts being nice" I mean whether you have these feelings about her whether she's a total ***** to your husband it doesn't matter! That is their mom you're talking about! I have a LOT of resentment towards my mother for the abusive situations she put me in, but you better believe I'm not going to let someone make comments like that about her!
Again, this is my experience and my thoughts. If it's that bad go to counciling... But make them know that you love them and that you aren't just tolerating them because you're with their father. And any comments they make about you is only because they feel like you're trying to take the place of someone they love unconditionally intentionally or not. Refrain from EVER saying anything bad about their mother because it's only going to cause you more resentment.
And lastly, be happy with the commitment you made to your husband and with whatever makes you happy in life.
P.S. Sorry if I offended or didn't hit the nail on the head. These are just my thoughts.
Edit: all these comments like"discipline your kids and get them in check" disgust me. Whether they are children or not they are PEOPLE just like you with FEELINGS and disregarding that as them just being brats is wrong. They ARE going to grow up and they ARE going to resent you for it. Work WITH them nit against them in the new life YOU chose for them.
Wow Rainbow, thank so much for sharing. It sounds like you had a very hard life, but you obviously are a survivor. I wish you the best in your life, not only with your weight loss goal. I am glad to know you made it, in spite of the hell your mom put you through with her poor choices.0
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