hello :) SUPER LONG!

So after a total of about 9 months on mfp, i decided i would finally introduce myself lol...
really though, i feel like at this point in my journey, it would be a good time to start fresh and introduce myself all over again. a lot of this is going to sound really bad, and I promise that I really don't want to offend anyone; just trying to share my point of view on everything.
I started on here in March of 2011, and to be honest, it seemed as easy as (insert something healthy for pie here). I found that I actually had to work to eat 1200 calories, and all of my exercise calories, and I easily lost about 16 pounds. I had about another 10 pounds to go in around august. To be honest (I feel like such a brat saying this) while reading the message boards, I honestly couldn't figure out why people were having such a hard time. my self-control was at an all-time high at that point. I could refuse ice cream, cookies, and pie without a second glance. I had a snotty mindset that I was somehow better and on a higher level than everyone else on mfp. It seemed like most people had at least 50, or maybe even 100 pounds to lose. They would discuss how much better they felt after exercising, how hard it was to avoid their favorite foods, and how much more energy and stamina they had. Maybe it was because I had never had a huge realization like that, or how much control over myself I had at that point, but I just couldn't relate to most of the people on here. Therefore, I decided to pretty much go it alone and try to lose the last 10 pounds.
August came, and although I was disappointed that I hadn't reached my goal by the beginning of the school year, I was happy with the progress I had made. Then I got sick. One weekend my friends and I went fishing out on a boat in the lake, and I got horribly seasick. For the next 3 days, I was throwing up, dizzy, lightheaded, exhausted, and hardly eating anything. After I felt better, I stopped counting calories for a while. I had lost about 8 lbs, but obviously not in a good way, and I knew that I needed to get back up close to where I was before and lose the weight the right way. So that weekend, when offered ice cream, I took it. I ate cookies, pie, chips, and a whole bunch of other unhealthy things, without counting a single calorie.
Then school started. From then on, I pretty much spent all of my time either at class, doing homework, or at meetings for clubs i was in or practices. i started eating when i was bored, but more often, i ate to procrastinate. i became depressed at how much work i had to do and how little time i had to really enjoy life. additionally, it was very hard to find time to exercise.
one day, i realized that things were really getting out of control. i was eating huge "snacks", even to the point where i felt sick afterwards. i did a little research and while reading an article about binge eating disorder, i realized that most of the symptoms described me perfectly. this was a huge blow, and i felt defeated as i realized that i probably could not beat this on my own, and i had nowhere to turn for help. i have considered talking to a counselor, but honestly, i am much to frightened to tell anyone about this, let alone my parents or someone i have never met. i broke down last night, feeling like i couldn't do this anymore. eating is taking over my life. i'm scared to go out with friends and try on old clothes, and even when i get the motivation to do homework, i feel sick, tired, and disgusting from eating so much.
the final hit came this morning when i weighed myself. i put my weight into mfp, and thats when i realized that i had 46 pounds to lose. almost 50 pounds. before while i was still losing, i kept telling myself that i could do this, because "its not like i have 50 pounds to lose or something." and now i do. and i feel sick about it. sick that i let it get to this point, sick about how i feel and look, sick at what i have done to myself.
i don't want this to sound overdramatic or snotty or anything; i've just been having a hard time the past few weeks. i'm hoping that by finally coming clean and telling everyone the FULL story, not the abridged "yesterday was hard, but i'm back on it today!" story, maybe i can accept where i am and really being again. thanks for listening and reading my ridiculously long post. maybe one day, some good will come of my story. thanks for letting me share my journey (or at least the beginning) with you!