Dealing with sabotage?

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Rheatheylia
Rheatheylia Posts: 53 Member
in Motivation and Support
I am so freaking sick of dealing with people who seem like they want to sabotage my health and fitness goals. You know, the person who says you need to stop loosing weight, the person who practically shoves the cake down your throat (or cries cause you don't want to try it), the person who says you should stop being healthy because it makes them feel bad about being unhealthy. How do you guys deal with these people?!

My worst saboteur is my sister, I just can't deal with her right now. I can't tell her off because she's "sensitive" and I can't avoid her because, dang it, I love her.

I've really tried to change my life recently. I've been incredibly unhealthy (living on my diet of candy and pasta) and constantly sick my whole life, I'm pretty much the definition of "skinny fat": BMI of 22 and body fat of 33%. I've been eating better recently, exercising, and generally feeling awesome. Whenever I try to talk about how awesome I've been feeling (or making healthy choices around her) she hits me with this horrible backlash which usually takes one of two forms.

1. She cries. I'm hurting her: she's scared for my health because I'm counting cals and not wolfing down some pie. Or I'm hurting her by making her feel bad about her own health choices. This also includes buying me food/candy and then pouting when I don't eat it (luckily doesn't happen so often now we're married and in separate houses)

2. She yells. I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm wrong, I'm making bad health decisions, and I'm not listening to her. The yelling usually takes the form of some horrible misinformation like "it's impossible to get fat on natural foods" or "it's cruel to eat sprouts, they're baby plants who never got the chance to live!" (seriously, she got really mad at me for talking about eating sprouts today, I thought she was kidding...)

Sorry for the super long post, I'm just at my wits end with her. Is there anyone else out there dealing with a similar situation?

Replies

  • Fayve
    Fayve Posts: 411 Member
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    Wow, this echoes the relationship with my own sister almost word for word. For me, it just got better with time. It took a long time for her to accept that I wasn't the mirror image of herself. It hurts to not be able to inspire her to live a healthier lifestyle, but that's not a choice I can make for her. We live in different towns so I guess it's not 100% the same, but I really understand what you're going through!
  • GeneaCindy
    GeneaCindy Posts: 148 Member
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    Agree to disagree. Tell her you don't want to talk about it - and don't share info that is likely to make her go off. I know it is hard, but I am in a place where I am losing and my sister is not. She is supportive, but I know she feels bad, so I just don't share a lot with her now. It's obvious that I am losing, so I don't want her to feel like I am rubbing her nose in it by talking about it. Sounds like your sister may just be a bit envious. Don't let her thwart your efforts to be healthy. Talk with your MFP friends about your goals - we are here to support you!

    P.S. If she cries when you don't eat the crap she gives you, that's ok. I learned after having to send my kid to his room that no one ever dies from crying :)
  • Qarol
    Qarol Posts: 6,171 Member
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    I'm sorry...I don't know anyone like this. I wouldn't tolerate either form of behavior from anyone.
  • ilookthetype
    ilookthetype Posts: 3,021 Member
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    Does she eat veal or eggs?
  • supertracylynn
    supertracylynn Posts: 1,338 Member
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    I learned after having to send my kid to his room that no one ever dies from crying :)

    THIS.
  • floweringcurrant
    floweringcurrant Posts: 112 Member
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    I think it is really okay to set a boundary for yourself! I have dealt with this same type of situation multiple times, but not to that extreme extent. At one point I just said "you know what, I really value your opinion and your place in my life, I hear what you are saying and I hear your concerns. At the same time, I am taking care of myself, I feel great, and I am not willing to talk about it/argue about it anymore."

    If your sister, or who ever else confronts you like that, cannot handle that, that is not your problem, it's theirs! There is only so much responsibility you can try to take when it comes to other people. The people in your life need to know that, while you value their concern and opinion, you are not going to allow them to manipulate and guilt trip you.

    You deserve respect and support and that's it!
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
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    To be brutally honest, I dont care how sensitive a person is, related or not... its none of their business to begin with. I ran into my MOTHER at her job (she is a third shift worker). I havent seen her in almost a year and she did the 'I cant believe my eyes' look when she heard me say hi and took a good look...

    Of course she had to spill her "youve gotta stop losing weight, youre fine right where you are right now" and I told her that its not her concern nor her problem.... this is between my doctor and I as far as the things I am doing and I just dont care what she thinks...or anyone for that matter. When she asked how much weight I have lost thus far, and shared with her that its over 60lbs, the typical eye-roll happens and the fact that "Im not living" if I have to watch what I eat so much... Again - I remind her that is not her place nor her business to be telling me anything about this... I had to end the conversation with "You know what, Im here to pick up some things I need, saw you working over here and thought I would say hi - I didnt come over here to get the third-degree on something that only my doctor has a right to criticize. If you can be supportive, then I can just continue not seeing her because I wont put up with negativity....
  • hettylair
    hettylair Posts: 86 Member
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    My mother does what your sister does. She's just plain mean about it. Its awful. I'm a 33 year old mother of three that is having to limit visits to the grandparents house because all they want to do is sabbotage my lifestyle and make excuses for me to be too busy to work out. I decided I'm bringing along healthy foods to share at Christmas, but I will not be visiting them until the holiday. Since I have stopped going over there I have been so much happier. Its sad, but I have to set an example for my children. I need to teach them and its my job as a mother to teach them that happiness does not come from coke and chocolate. It is so so much more.
    Family Sabbotage is just plain hard.
    Hetty
    (halfway there- 36 lbs to go)
  • Rheatheylia
    Rheatheylia Posts: 53 Member
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    Thanks to everyone who replied, it's nice to know that others have gone through the same thing and have been successful! I really need to work on not sharing with her, and telling her to shut it when she tries to guilt/yell me into submission. I know it probably seems silly to most people that I'm having this problem, I've just been used to sharing everything with her and being bossed around by her my entire life. I just gotta keep being the person I want to be, and not who anyone else wants me to be.
    Does she eat veal or eggs?

    Veal, eggs, and lamb. I guess animals are free game but plants are out. It's ridiculous.
    I think it is really okay to set a boundary for yourself! I have dealt with this same type of situation multiple times, but not to that extreme extent. At one point I just said "you know what, I really value your opinion and your place in my life, I hear what you are saying and I hear your concerns. At the same time, I am taking care of myself, I feel great, and I am not willing to talk about it/argue about it anymore."

    If your sister, or who ever else confronts you like that, cannot handle that, that is not your problem, it's theirs! There is only so much responsibility you can try to take when it comes to other people. The people in your life need to know that, while you value their concern and opinion, you are not going to allow them to manipulate and guilt trip you.

    You deserve respect and support and that's it!

    Thanks! I really need to not bring anything up about it around her, I can save all my enthusiasm for my MFP friends. I really need to get better at saying "no" and not caring what other people think.
  • IronSmasher
    IronSmasher Posts: 3,908 Member
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    Nobody wants to be the fat one.

    Self first to achieve our goals.

    I've binned chocolate from my wife on many occasions, they give up and accept it eventually.
  • Hayesgang
    Hayesgang Posts: 624
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    To be brutally honest, I dont care how sensitive a person is, related or not... its none of their business to begin with.



    ^^This^^
    This is your life and you can't be so concern about making other people happy. You have 1 go round in this life, do you want to waste years making others happy or doing what is right for you. Talk to her and express how you are feeling and let her know that if she can't be supportive then you will have to re-evaluate how much time you will be able to spend with her.
  • MarciaKeeth
    MarciaKeeth Posts: 5
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    It wasn't until I was well into my 30s before I learned about boundaries. It was not something that I was taught in my family growing up. Today I still have to work at it.

    I wrote a little prayer that I used to say every day. These days I still call on it when needed:

    "Please help me to remember that I am not responsible for the feelings, actions, and reactions of others. Today, please help me to take care of myself by recognizing my own feelings and setting appropriate boundaries."
  • Rheatheylia
    Rheatheylia Posts: 53 Member
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    It wasn't until I was well into my 30s before I learned about boundaries. It was not something that I was taught in my family growing up. Today I still have to work at it.

    I wrote a little prayer that I used to say every day. These days I still call on it when needed:

    "Please help me to remember that I am not responsible for the feelings, actions, and reactions of others. Today, please help me to take care of myself by recognizing my own feelings and setting appropriate boundaries."

    Awesome, thanks! I grew up in a family where you did what you were told, period. It's hard to have to change it, to put myself first and not fret over every little thing someone thinks. I'll have to write your prayer down for future use :smile:

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